Rabbit
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "The Adventure Begins"A Boy's Story of the rural South
28 total reviews
Comment from JM daSilva
We always love our grandparents because they usually let us do whatever we want. Nice story. You have a spag problem, the vocative comma. It is a petty peeve of many editors.
I have an editing suggestion for you.
"Yes (vocative comma) Ma'am.
Howdy (vocative comma) Rabbit.
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2013
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We always love our grandparents because they usually let us do whatever we want. Nice story. You have a spag problem, the vocative comma. It is a petty peeve of many editors.
I have an editing suggestion for you.
"Yes (vocative comma) Ma'am.
Howdy (vocative comma) Rabbit.
Comment Written 09-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2013
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Thanks for reading JM and for the pointers. Both are appreciated. Bill
Comment from Eric Corsten
This is a very tasty piece. Get it?...Tasty piece?
I guess Grandma thought I would be sad too, so she made one of my favorite dinners. We had fried chicken, fresh sliced tomatoes, green beans, fried okra and rice topped with white milk gravy. I'd mention the buttermilk biscuits, but they weren't special. I pretty much got them every day.
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2013
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This is a very tasty piece. Get it?...Tasty piece?
I guess Grandma thought I would be sad too, so she made one of my favorite dinners. We had fried chicken, fresh sliced tomatoes, green beans, fried okra and rice topped with white milk gravy. I'd mention the buttermilk biscuits, but they weren't special. I pretty much got them every day.
Comment Written 09-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2013
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Thanks for reading Eric. I appreciate it! Bill
Comment from humpwhistle
Nice going, Bill. I can feel you getting into both the rhythm of the story, and the cadence of the language.
Like all the Biblical references--appropriate to the time and place.
Looking forward.
Peace, Lee
maybe invert 'heavyweight' and 'boxing'
I remember that fight--my maternal grandfather was Swedish
I like your take on the two ways to see black and white.
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2013
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Nice going, Bill. I can feel you getting into both the rhythm of the story, and the cadence of the language.
Like all the Biblical references--appropriate to the time and place.
Looking forward.
Peace, Lee
maybe invert 'heavyweight' and 'boxing'
I remember that fight--my maternal grandfather was Swedish
I like your take on the two ways to see black and white.
Comment Written 09-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2013
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Thanks for reading Lee and the comments. I'll swing back and take a look. Bill
Comment from Dawn Munro
My goodness, I wish I had a six left in this week's allotment for this charming story. The narrative voice is wonderful, the characters authentic, the plot delicious, with lots of plot action - everything about this story is sweet! I enjoyed it thoroughly!
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2013
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My goodness, I wish I had a six left in this week's allotment for this charming story. The narrative voice is wonderful, the characters authentic, the plot delicious, with lots of plot action - everything about this story is sweet! I enjoyed it thoroughly!
Comment Written 09-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2013
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Thanks for reading and the kind feedback. I appreciate virtual sixes too. Regards, Bill
Comment from Adri7enne
"When Mom and Dad dropped me off, I GET a big hug ..." GOT. Stay consistent with the past tense.
Good story, Bill. Told with simplicity, touching on the ideas of prejudice, but sticking to the story line. Almost like reading Mark Twain. I enjoyed it.
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2013
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"When Mom and Dad dropped me off, I GET a big hug ..." GOT. Stay consistent with the past tense.
Good story, Bill. Told with simplicity, touching on the ideas of prejudice, but sticking to the story line. Almost like reading Mark Twain. I enjoyed it.
Comment Written 09-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2013
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Thanks for reading Adri and the spot. I circled back around and corrected. Bi9ll
Comment from Emmat306
The tone of your story sounds older than eight years old. I do like how the story flowed. It was easy to fall into the story. I wouldn't mind reading more of Rabbit's adventure.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2013
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The tone of your story sounds older than eight years old. I do like how the story flowed. It was easy to fall into the story. I wouldn't mind reading more of Rabbit's adventure.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 09-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2013
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Thanks for reading. It looks like you are new on this site. A rating of 3 indicates that a work needs significant improvement. I'm glad to look at specific recommendations. Bill
Comment from GregRedd
Is there a sensible way to isolated recalled quotes I wonder? For things like "...grandma did usually refer to him as that damn dog." And "He's what folks call white trash."
Virge seems to switch from "Rabbit - I jes don't think that's a good idea." to "Yea - that oughta be about right." a little too quickly.
Capitalisation of championship of the world and farmer's market?
Small things to be sure.
Really liking the character development you have going throughout this chapter. Old man Caruth sounds like a real nasty piece,of work indeed.
Pacing and flow of this chapter follows on perfectly from the previous.
I don't know if it has been mentioned already but I'm starting to get a bit of Tom Sawyer, Huck Finn vibe from your writing.
Looking forward to more.
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2013
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Is there a sensible way to isolated recalled quotes I wonder? For things like "...grandma did usually refer to him as that damn dog." And "He's what folks call white trash."
Virge seems to switch from "Rabbit - I jes don't think that's a good idea." to "Yea - that oughta be about right." a little too quickly.
Capitalisation of championship of the world and farmer's market?
Small things to be sure.
Really liking the character development you have going throughout this chapter. Old man Caruth sounds like a real nasty piece,of work indeed.
Pacing and flow of this chapter follows on perfectly from the previous.
I don't know if it has been mentioned already but I'm starting to get a bit of Tom Sawyer, Huck Finn vibe from your writing.
Looking forward to more.
Comment Written 09-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2013
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Thanks for reading Greg and for the feedback. I appreciate both. Bill
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
bhogg:
There's a certain poetic justice to Rabbit's thinking
except for the fact it wasn't old man Caruthers who
actually owned Virge's momma so it's not really fair to
hold him responsible - but cool that 8 year old boy
wanted to do something in support of his best friend.
yes, I learned the lesson of being careful to answer
exactly what I was asked when I was growing up - it kept
me out of trouble without lying many a day
thanks for sharing
love,
jan
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2013
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bhogg:
There's a certain poetic justice to Rabbit's thinking
except for the fact it wasn't old man Caruthers who
actually owned Virge's momma so it's not really fair to
hold him responsible - but cool that 8 year old boy
wanted to do something in support of his best friend.
yes, I learned the lesson of being careful to answer
exactly what I was asked when I was growing up - it kept
me out of trouble without lying many a day
thanks for sharing
love,
jan
Comment Written 09-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2013
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Thank you Jan - both for reading and your kind comments. Bill
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, bill, you did an excellent job writing this chapter where rabbit decides to steal a watermelon since his relatives were wrong for owning virge's mother. did you grandmother ever find out the truth?
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2013
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this is very well written, bill, you did an excellent job writing this chapter where rabbit decides to steal a watermelon since his relatives were wrong for owning virge's mother. did you grandmother ever find out the truth?
Comment Written 08-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2013
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Thanks for reading Pam. This is written as fiction, so I would just suspect that Granny knew. Regards, Bill
Comment from Selina Stambi
Such an interesting read. So well written that I could see the action unfold in my head.
I enjoyed the feistiness of Virge and Rabbit.
A great story!
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2013
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Such an interesting read. So well written that I could see the action unfold in my head.
I enjoyed the feistiness of Virge and Rabbit.
A great story!
Comment Written 08-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2013
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Thanks for reading and your kind words. I appreciate both. Bill
