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Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "Food Court"Shorter stories
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Comment from Zue65
What a fight between twin sisters. ShallI call it verbal abuse and fat shaming or a misguided concern of a sister. I like the heated exchange of conversation which made the whole script alive. Leslie's request for ten dollars gives a semblance of the real relationship between the twin. Keep writing.
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2018
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What a fight between twin sisters. ShallI call it verbal abuse and fat shaming or a misguided concern of a sister. I like the heated exchange of conversation which made the whole script alive. Leslie's request for ten dollars gives a semblance of the real relationship between the twin. Keep writing.
Comment Written 17-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2018
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Thanks, nassus, for the kind review. Bill
Comment from GWHARGIS
Sisters are truly like that. I'll bet if someone else ha said those things to the fat sister, Leslie would have dotted their eye. I loved the limited narrative. It was a dialogue driven story and riveting. Nice characterization and use of scenery and dialogue to flesh out the characters. I really enjoyed this.
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2012
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Sisters are truly like that. I'll bet if someone else ha said those things to the fat sister, Leslie would have dotted their eye. I loved the limited narrative. It was a dialogue driven story and riveting. Nice characterization and use of scenery and dialogue to flesh out the characters. I really enjoyed this.
Comment Written 12-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2012
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Thank you. It was an experiment for me that has received mixed reviews. Bill
Comment from Norbanus
Thisis an exceptional play with the dialogue here, Bill. I believe it could have used a couple of speech tags int the beginning and at the switch. The concept is clear enough but identifying the characters is not.
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2012
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Thisis an exceptional play with the dialogue here, Bill. I believe it could have used a couple of speech tags int the beginning and at the switch. The concept is clear enough but identifying the characters is not.
Comment Written 11-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2012
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Thank you for your helpful review. I thought to experiment with the bare dialog. Bill
Comment from c_lucas
A very well written, dialogue driven, post. This has a smoothf flow of words, making for a very good read. Anger and Hatred are important parts in some of our lives.
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2012
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A very well written, dialogue driven, post. This has a smoothf flow of words, making for a very good read. Anger and Hatred are important parts in some of our lives.
Comment Written 11-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2012
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Thank you for your thoughtful and perceptive review. Bill
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You're welcome, Bill. Charlie
Comment from writing2inspire
This was the funniest piece I have read on FanStory yet. Good job. Although I could see the ending coming, it was still good. Your writing style was great, and your dialogue realistic. The only thing I would change would be to let readers know the characters are twins and female from the beginning.
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2012
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This was the funniest piece I have read on FanStory yet. Good job. Although I could see the ending coming, it was still good. Your writing style was great, and your dialogue realistic. The only thing I would change would be to let readers know the characters are twins and female from the beginning.
Comment Written 10-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2012
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Thank you for your positive review. I chose the gender neutral names and used the rough dialog, absent of tags, to mask that identity as long as possible. Bill
Comment from Dan Diego
I see you've already been fragged on the punctuation from other reviewers, so I'll dwell on the story aspect.
This story is about "flawed" characters, the kind I like.
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There are four positives in this writing:
1. You successfully build character with mostly dialogue.
2. You provide conflict that readers love.
3. You twist the reader with some gender bias.
4. You scare the reader with hints of impropriety.
So, if you set out to do those things when you first imagined "Food Court," then Bravo Zulu. If this was all just an accident, then you're lucky.
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There are risks with building characters with mostly dialogue. Some readers want those "he said" and "she said" beats and flicks of flowing red hair. (Those beats and details might have hinted at their genders too early, so I understand why you didn't use them.) This story might be an easier sell if we knew the writer was pitching this as an opening scene or an exercise in character building.
Well, there's not much to say about the conflict. The banter is authentic. Sounded military. Sounded male at first.
The gender twist was a surprise in light of the tone of the dialogue. You used some careful writing here to avoid ruining that surprise.
The hint of impropriety (with the priest) touches a nerve. And that's good.
I leave this story (and this long-winded review) with these story questions:
Will the big twin lose weight (her flaw) and will the bold twin find comfort in the arms of Father So-And-So (her flaw)?
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2012
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I see you've already been fragged on the punctuation from other reviewers, so I'll dwell on the story aspect.
This story is about "flawed" characters, the kind I like.
---------------------------
There are four positives in this writing:
1. You successfully build character with mostly dialogue.
2. You provide conflict that readers love.
3. You twist the reader with some gender bias.
4. You scare the reader with hints of impropriety.
So, if you set out to do those things when you first imagined "Food Court," then Bravo Zulu. If this was all just an accident, then you're lucky.
------------------
There are risks with building characters with mostly dialogue. Some readers want those "he said" and "she said" beats and flicks of flowing red hair. (Those beats and details might have hinted at their genders too early, so I understand why you didn't use them.) This story might be an easier sell if we knew the writer was pitching this as an opening scene or an exercise in character building.
Well, there's not much to say about the conflict. The banter is authentic. Sounded military. Sounded male at first.
The gender twist was a surprise in light of the tone of the dialogue. You used some careful writing here to avoid ruining that surprise.
The hint of impropriety (with the priest) touches a nerve. And that's good.
I leave this story (and this long-winded review) with these story questions:
Will the big twin lose weight (her flaw) and will the bold twin find comfort in the arms of Father So-And-So (her flaw)?
Comment Written 09-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2012
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Thank you for this thorough and positive review. I feel good about this 'slice of life' story that really has nowhere to go. I just liked the idea of a scatter gun dialog without tags, and a gender surprise at the end. I wish I'd kept the hyphen count down now. Thanks once again for your encouragement. Bill
Comment from djsaxon
Uuch! Maybe it's just me, but I have all sorts of problems with this. "Les's vegetables sat smugly and soundlessly on the table" and later, "The vegetables sat in mute anticipation." Don't know why you would choose to personify the food. Twin sisters squaring off but it me too long to get there. Dialogue is for the most part sharp and witty, but some of the dashes (pauses) don't work eg; "I never suggested that you - had a brain" the break is unnecessary, and later: "What have you got - that would place you in a position - to speak down to me?" Just road blocks. Your protagonists are so full on aggressive that they wouldn't pause to breathe! Sorry, mate. I have so never done this but it just doesn't work for me. DJ
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2012
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Uuch! Maybe it's just me, but I have all sorts of problems with this. "Les's vegetables sat smugly and soundlessly on the table" and later, "The vegetables sat in mute anticipation." Don't know why you would choose to personify the food. Twin sisters squaring off but it me too long to get there. Dialogue is for the most part sharp and witty, but some of the dashes (pauses) don't work eg; "I never suggested that you - had a brain" the break is unnecessary, and later: "What have you got - that would place you in a position - to speak down to me?" Just road blocks. Your protagonists are so full on aggressive that they wouldn't pause to breathe! Sorry, mate. I have so never done this but it just doesn't work for me. DJ
Comment Written 09-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2012
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If dashes are the only thing you can find wrong with this I am --tickled pink.
Comment from LucidDreem
It's very hard to tell who's talking here. I don't even know who says the first line because there are no speech tags. There is also no character movement in the dialogue and very little setting description, so it's hard to visualize this conversation. Fix those things and you'll have a very riveting scene.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2012
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It's very hard to tell who's talking here. I don't even know who says the first line because there are no speech tags. There is also no character movement in the dialogue and very little setting description, so it's hard to visualize this conversation. Fix those things and you'll have a very riveting scene.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 09-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2012
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Thank you for reviewing. The initial confusion was intended (should have noted that).
Comment from chancelet
What a crazy story! (In a good way) The humor and irritation works well, and it was great that you didn't let on that they were related, and twins, 'til later. Not sure if there was a point to the story, but I'm of the belief that stories don't have to all have a point. Being entertaining and interesting are enough for me.
You use hyphens instead of commas. Usually you do that when the sentence is long or have enough commas already and the hyphens clarify the sentence. I think the use of them in this story is more distracting than clarifying. When you use the hyphen because someone was cut off, then that's okay.
Is this part of a longer piece? Another question... Where's the strong language? Or were you being sarcastic?
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2012
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What a crazy story! (In a good way) The humor and irritation works well, and it was great that you didn't let on that they were related, and twins, 'til later. Not sure if there was a point to the story, but I'm of the belief that stories don't have to all have a point. Being entertaining and interesting are enough for me.
You use hyphens instead of commas. Usually you do that when the sentence is long or have enough commas already and the hyphens clarify the sentence. I think the use of them in this story is more distracting than clarifying. When you use the hyphen because someone was cut off, then that's okay.
Is this part of a longer piece? Another question... Where's the strong language? Or were you being sarcastic?
Comment Written 09-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2012
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Thank you for your honest and helpful review. I am definitely investigating where all those hyphens came from. This story is a 'slice of life' that really has no point and doesn't move towards any moral conclusion. I just wanted to try the rapid, untagged dialog and slide the gender goof in at the end. I don't typically use words like 'shit' and 'bitch' anymore and felt that I should warn more sensitive readers. Thanks once again for your encouragement. Bill
Comment from Perp Ihebom
This is an exciting story to read. The preponderance of dialogues makes it easy to read. The main issue that dominates the discourse is also very important. There were some wrongly placed quotation marks here and there but i enjoyed reading it. cheers
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2012
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This is an exciting story to read. The preponderance of dialogues makes it easy to read. The main issue that dominates the discourse is also very important. There were some wrongly placed quotation marks here and there but i enjoyed reading it. cheers
Comment Written 09-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2012
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Thank you for your encouraging and helpful review. Bill