Comment from Janie King

Excellent

Well, I continue to play my cop out game but that's the best I can do for the moment. I'm falling asleep at the computer so I best call it quits for tonight. God bless.

 Comment Written 08-May-2012

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reply by the author on 09-May-2012

Hi Janie. How's you Mama? Thank you for your review. This one was not bad at all. The next one will have warnings. I'm very aware of adding them. Don't want to mislead anyone. :) Sleep well. Bless you both. Stay well.:) ellen

Comment from clarbare2

Good

Cool chapter. Interesting things happening. I followed along pretty well and, again, chalked up some of my bumps to not having read the entire book to now. Many places you have a very strong gift for words.

My comments are below and only for your use if you want them. Thanks for letting me read!

I am really having a hard time with the name Beh. Can you let me know how it should be pronounced. Maybe that will help.

"behind, lighting the rear with a cattail torch.", I've only read a couple later chapters but, as the reader, I would be ok with you just referring to the cattail torch as just cattail. I think by this stage the reader will know it's a torch and it might make it read a little more familiar and smooth.

"Good job, son," Trell proudly chortles, "very good.", This positive reinforcement seems a little out of place for the scene. It's like I expect Blathen to then say "I'm right here. I can hear you talking, duh." Also not sure "chortles" is in context here either. Take a look at the use of the word, I might be wrong. As suggestion I might have said something like, "Trell quietly pats Hunter on the shoulder, appreciating his tact." AND take tact out of the previous dialogue for Hunter.

"Shalu's searching growls", this confused me for a second and caused me to break stride. Maybe just Shalu's growls and Beh's roars disappear...

"Folded above, meditative, penitent witnesses startle, and swoop, adding their screeches to the travelers' trailing echoes.", Try; Above them, penitent wings folded in meditation open and the dissiens of the cave swoop and screech at the travelers' trailing echos.

"Trell grunts, nods, and before Asmel knows what's what, Trell has taken his gear, and Blathen jumps up to piggy-back ride.", Lots of commas, not even sure whose gear Trell has taken or who said "Please Father". How about; Trell nods with a grunt and takes his gear. Before Asmel knows what's what, Blathen jumps up to piggy-back ride.

"Under Earth's mold-spore stew," should be mold spores stew...I think. The other way sounds like soup.

prevaricator, my vocab is higher than average and I needed to look this up. Not sure you want to use unique words like this unless this particular character is specifically known for using them. (Kind of like Tom Hanks in the movie The Lady Killers).

I am very interested in the story and where it is going. I think there are a few places that you should look to re-work, one in particular is the "Happy and you know it" section. I'm not sure how to re-work it but from a readers perspective all the commas and shifts back and forth from mental to dialogue might tend to confuse.

Peace,
Barry


This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 08-May-2012

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reply by the author on 09-May-2012

Hi Barry. Your review is amazing. Thank you sooooo much. I tried to reply so if you read again some of the blanks may be covered for you. Only three post to go and its the end. :)


Good

Cool chapter. Interesting things happening. I followed along pretty well and, again, chalked up some of my bumps to not having read the entire book to now. Many places you have a very strong gift for words.

My comments are below and only for your use if you want them. Thanks for letting me read!

I am really having a hard time with the name Beh. Can you let me know how it should be pronounced. Maybe that will help.
[His name was coined by Blathen who heard the word â??bearâ?? and since little ones canâ??t say the â??râ?? sound his name became Beh Bear without the â??r.â?? Bea would not have given the correct phonetic sound.]

"behind, lighting the rear with a cattail torch.", I've only read a couple later chapters but, as the reader, I would be ok with you just referring to the cattail torch as just cattail. I think by this stage the reader will know it's a torch and it might make it read a little more familiar and smooth.
[ I added torch to the word cattail at the suggestion of another reader via their PM. So who do I heed? You, not needing it? Or The other reviewer who does?]

"Good job, son," Trell proudly chortles, "very good." This positive reinforcement seems a little out of place for the scene. It's like I expect Blathen to then say "I'm right here. I can hear you talking, duh."
[Trell doesnâ??t say much, but will repeat, being uncomfortable, self-conscious. And think. He uses sign language or chorts. Little human speech. Part of character.]

Also not sure "chortles" is in context here either. Take a look at the use of the word, I might be wrong.
[ I misspelled the word that I coined (see the vocabulary in the notes) It should have been â??chorts.â?? Thank you for catching that. No more than a spag.]

As suggestion I might have said something like, "Trell quietly pats Hunter on the shoulder, appreciating his tact." AND take tact out of the previous dialogue for Hunter.
[Trellâ??s character would not do that. He rarely touches the humans. Again, there is a hierarchy here. He relates to his sons, the animals and others like himself. Reasons have been explained.]


"Shalu's searching growls", this confused me for a second and caused me to break stride. Maybe just Shalu's growls and Beh's roars disappear... [OK this I can go with(one point for you so far).]

"Folded above, meditative, penitent witnesses startle, and swoop, adding their screeches to the travelers' trailing echoes.", Try; Above them, penitent wings folded in meditation open and the dissiens of the cave swoop and screech at the travelers' trailing echoes. This changes the meaning.
[They werenâ??t screeching AT the echoes they were adding their screeches TO the echoes. And what is a dissien? You have dissiens of the cave. They are witnesses as in the ones that have seen it all. They are folded(the way bats look when hanging or stuck into a crack) above meditating(thinking ) and are sorry(because they are related to the vermel via genetic mutation of vermin centuries agoâ??earlier information.) This when read by someone who has followed the story from the first makes perfect sense and Iâ??ve had comments on its excellent quality.]

"Trell grunts, nods, and before Asmel knows what's what, Trell has taken his gear, and Blathen jumps up to piggy-back ride.", Lots of commas, not even sure whose gear Trell has taken or who said "Please Father".
[There is only one who would speak and say Please Father. That would be Blathen.The others are adults. Or the infant Zee who doesnâ??t speak.

How about; Trell nods with a grunt and takes his gear.This still doesnâ??t say whose gear Trell took. At some junctures you just have to go with it, knowing that the reader is smart enough to know what is happening. Iâ??ll go back and see if I can make it any clearer. So we can share this point.]
Before Asmel knows what's what, Blathen jumps up to piggy-back ride.

"Under Earth's mold-spore stew," should be mold spores stew...I think. The other way sounds like soup.
[ I think I clarified this by saying it is what the vermel consider air. A mixture of various mold and spores. Iâ??ll remove the hyphen. Your point.

prevaricator, my vocab is higher than average and I needed to look this up. Thatâ??s good exercise. LOL
Blathen didnâ??t say the word prevaricator, the POV did. And the POV knows what it means. Itâ??s good to have to look up an occasional word. Readers donâ??t need to be spoon fed. Thatâ??s a very bad habit for a writer to get into. Never dumb yourself down or think that your readers are stupid or donâ??t want to learn. I totally keep the choice of vocabulary in my corner. Prevaricator is a perfectly normal word. I wasnâ??t going to label him a common liar. He has more style than that. A good defense attorney is a prevaricator. The low life criminal is a liar. Not sure you want to use unique words like this unless this particular character is specifically known for using them.

(Kind of like Tom Hanks in the movie The Lady Killers)
[Iâ??m not familiar with this movie. Sorry, Barry. And again no characters used the word. The POV did.]

I am very interested in the story and where it is going.
[ It ends in three chapter. Itâ??s over sixty thousand words, already.]

I think there are a few places that you should look to re-work,one in particular is the "Happy and you know it" section. I'm not sure how to re-work it but from a readers perspective all the commas and shifts back and forth from mental to dialogue might tend to confuse.
[Itâ??s Trell thinking while Blathen sings. I could fix this by just formatting it differently.(Thoughts on one line. Song on another. How does that sound?)

However, Iâ??ve done this sort of thing before and have had no complaints. Several of these sections were the reason for sixes. (The format was the same as this.) Itâ??s again something one has to get used to. Reading two things at once. Complex but possible.

I needed to show the concern of a father(Trell, a vertant) for his possibly dying son (Blathen, a vermel) and contrast it to the sonâ??s total lack awareness of his increasing weakness. Animals are like this, they keep going until they drop. Not seeming to realize that they are dying. They have no concept of death until the very last moment then there is fear and a question in their eyes.(Fact) Dying is a daily event if you read about Bellow City, life has little value, so death is nothing ( a vermel trait). Hard to explain without reading it. Readers who know the characters complexities follow the very different personas in this, what you find confusing, section. Again, I misspelled the word that I coined (see the vocabulary in the notes) It should have been chorts. Thank you for catching that. No more than a spag. Not a total word mistake and without the knowledge you were unaware.


Trell doesnâ??t discuss his feeling. You see, here, heâ??s thinking while he listens to Blathen sing. Heâ??s not one to talk about his concerns or feeling to anyone. But he often thinks. Tying his thoughts to Blathen via the song felt right when he could join in at the end and finally show a bit of emotion to others. But he only tones(verdant/vermel singing) still not human speech.

There is so much to explain. Since you are coming in on the last three chapters of the book, itâ??s impossible.

Thank you for your input. I will take it to heart. I know how much time you put into doing it. Too bad you canâ??t spit the difference and give me a 4.5. LOL

Peace, â?¦ and may the force be with you. Or as my son said five days ago: May the 4th be with you. LOL]

reply by clarbare2 on 09-May-2012

I am very glad that most of my bumps in the road are just me coming in so late in the book. I guess I might just have to go back and read the beginning because it IS a very good story.

reply by the author on 09-May-2012

It's still very rough in the beginning and need much re-write. This is my first attempt at a novel and only one year into writing anything at all. So, read if you like but no review please because I know that there is much work to be done. I don't need to cry over what I know is amiss. You could have a hey-day ripping me apart. :) This review hurt enough and most of it was your not understanding the characters or plot. You're bumps in the road should not be at the expense of my stars. You should really reconsider the four, Barry. To argue style and depth of vocabulary at this point, which is preference not clarity is moot. I'd never downgrade a writer for my lack of knowing the character's motivations, speech patterns, etc., complex plot entanglements or vocabulary choices that were not within my sphere. I'm suprised that you'd only apologize and not restore the fifth star.

reply by clarbare2 on 09-May-2012

One thing I have noticed about this site is that very few people have the capacity to objectively receive criticism for their work. It is very frustrating to have to deal with the "star" rating when everyone expects five stars or above. If my writing is poor, I do not want it rated with the good stuff on this site. If my writing is not understandable or confuses one particular person such that they mark it down due to basic comprehension of the story line, then I know that not everyone will understand my writing. Fact of the matter is not everyone will understand your writing or my writing but, as writers it is our job to make sure it speaks to as many people as possible.

Let me be clear, this site's ranking system means nothing in the grand scheme of things unless you are simply here to hear people tell you how great you are. If you haven't figured it out yet, this site is simply an income for someone. Yes, they have tried to set up a review system to get writers to critique and yes it works. I did not know that all you wanted was for someone to give you a five star rating. I will gracefully bow out at this point and wish you well on your road to get published.

If you get a chance, take a look at the FAQ under Info for the FanStory page.

Look at "How many stars should I give something I read?" and tell me what you think your stuff should be rated.

Peace and farewell,
Barry

Comment from purrfect tale

Excellent

I'm getting upset. Blathen is going to be the hero who saves them all, and then they're going to have to leave him behind! I hope her stays sweet in that hell hole!

In a graceful leap to rival any buck in the valley(,)

Filled with pride(,) he watches Blathen's first moment of glory.

but being a vermel(,) he pushes it away and grabs an apple.

 Comment Written 08-May-2012

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reply by the author on 08-May-2012

Don't worry PT. Just adding to the mix.It's good to scare up the crowd a bit. No? Calm down and breathe. Sorry, you can't keep turning the pages and finish this. Thank you for the fantastic reaction. Emotions are what we want. Kisses and Hugs for your visceral response. :) Thank you for the spags, too.:) e

Comment from Spitfire

Excellent

For a moment there I felt as if I were reading about Beowulf and Grendel. Good foreshadowing with the song and the solution to help Blathen breathe. The dialogue helps to break up this long read. Ugh! what a horrible world, I see, hear and smell it. Not for the weak of stomach.

 Comment Written 08-May-2012

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reply by the author on 08-May-2012

LOL Thank your, Shari. I always look forward to your reaction to a chapter. I thought maybe the song thing was too corny. I'm waiting for the reactions. I was trying to show Blathen really unaware of his illness and Trell knowing the truth, possible death. Also, I'm glad the atmosphere came through. Yuck. :) ellen

Comment from Gloria ....

Exceptional

Hey barking dog. This is very well written and extremely accurate in detail as events and locations unfold and characters interact. You must have quite a story going on in your head much of the time.

There are many good images and I am just highlighting a couple of my favs:

The two men lie prone tight against damp coal and cracked vermin bones while the oily stink of beating wings fans past them.= Really love this image and especially oily stink.

Rage pushes every hair shaft on end. = Pushes is another good one!

Couple of nits:

Then, picking up his lucky hat, dusts it of (off) on his thigh with a swift swat.

Eager to learn, Blathen absorbes (absorbs) epic tales of the Arena, its torture, and the

"We're almost there,(.) " Jamie motions to hunker down and be quiet. Not a speech tag.

"Cough, Cough." Should this be in quote marks? I am not sure about this one, so I thought I would leave that up to you. How kind of me hey?

Excellent writing. Thoroughly enjoyed reading.

 Comment Written 08-May-2012

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reply by the author on 08-May-2012

Thank you so much, emmex for your review and highlighting the sentence that was a bear to get right.(the men lie prone ...)
I wondered about the 'cough, cough' and will look it up on Google. Probably doesn't need quotes if we are both wondering about it. I'll let you know. :) Thank you again. The six is so shiny. Blathen gave it to Zee to as Asmel put it 'shut him up.' Zee's teething. Definitely, no more bats. LOL:)

Comment from c_lucas

Excellent

It looks like they may have a plan. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making of a very interesting read.

 Comment Written 08-May-2012

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reply by the author on 08-May-2012

With the help of a Vermel they have a plan. But they all have their strangths.LOL Thank you, charlie.

reply by c_lucas on 08-May-2012

You're welcome, Ellen. Charlie

Comment from DIS-illusioned

Excellent

Uh, how old is that kid, Blathen again? Thinks and acts like a pre-teen now, to me.
Good thing they didn't explain what a monster is to him.
And Zee? He's been so quiet so far. No action for the quasi-human, huh?
Well, another solid chapter, BD. Why do I smell more conflicts between daddy and son vermels? Oh well, BD's 'crazy' muse shall reveal all in time. :))

 Comment Written 08-May-2012

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reply by the author on 08-May-2012

I ain't got no muse. Ran that bitch off years ago. She wanted all the credit. LOL Anyhoooo, thank you for the review. Yes, the vermel with their ratty genes do develope quickly, but then tend to stop and level off as adults. Zee is the weakness of man. We're always dragging some poor soul around that needs 'help' but he can grow up if I write another book. LOL Zee shows that they are nurturing and not beasts like the vermel who just grow like weeds into their brutality.(second novel anyone?)

Comment from Misrael

Excellent

Very interesting story and I am glad it isn't true.lol. I enjoy reading a lot of different things it keeps me from getting bored. I look forward to reading more. Good job.

 Comment Written 08-May-2012

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reply by the author on 08-May-2012

Thank you for your review, Misrael. Variety is a good thing.:) barking dog

Comment from cvcopac

Excellent

Well, you have all the details worked out. I'm curious though why Blathen has the adverse condition with his lungs and the others are not affected? Blathen's not only the brains of the party he's the heart too. I'm not sure who's getting the poison but they're on the way in for sure.
I like it when you mix the future with the contemporary.
Interesting trip through the tunnel.
Another exceptional chapter.

 Comment Written 08-May-2012

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reply by the author on 08-May-2012

Blathen is the only Vermel in the group. The others are human(OK with earth's air) and Trell(a vermel mutating back to its more original human form, some of the vertant's can live on earth. It depends if they still retain any of the collector tube which can be a remnant in their throat.) Gima has no problem she obviously survived Upper Earth. However, the two that Asmel met and captured before he went below did die in two years. As they evolve, they can live above. So far Upper Earth is only death for Vermel. You'll love the second half of this chapter. I had to cut it free before the guards chow down. LOL
Any, snafus? let me know. I'm on pins and needles to get this right. I don't want it to go mushy or silly (the real me. lol)

reply by cvcopac on 08-May-2012

I remember now how the vermel were affected when they captured Gima. Ok, the guards, yes, entry. I didn't see anything amiss. It reads good to me. you've really done your homework and have probably evolved with the story.
(the real you might be a female Walter Mitty) I'll read through once more.

reply by the author on 08-May-2012

The real test is Sunday and from then on. Thank you, Ken.
I started reading Herb's story.

reply by cvcopac on 08-May-2012

I'm always waiting on Sunday. I'm sure, Jamie is not a new character?

I think you'll like it.

reply by the author on 08-May-2012

Jamie was one of the Vertants that were rescued by Larue(a vermel dissident) from Sadie's. Trell, Picar, Jamie and Lem(the smallest) were the chief characters but many escaped.

Comment from inkedone

Excellent

This story just keeps getting better and better. I'm still taking notes from your writing style. I'm learning so much more than I thought I would.

 Comment Written 08-May-2012

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reply by the author on 08-May-2012

Thank you, inkedone. We are winding up to the end.(three of so chapters to go) I hope it peaks when it should. :) e