Gima The Beginning
Viewing comments for Chapter 32 "Gima: Club ErrOw"fantasy adventure
21 total reviews
Comment from Spitfire
I swear you're from Mars! Have you read Scarlett Sweetwater's erotic shorts. Now quite as violent as yours but still labeled fantasy fiction. Your writing is go vivid, I honestly have to skim this, or I'll have nightmares!
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2012
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I swear you're from Mars! Have you read Scarlett Sweetwater's erotic shorts. Now quite as violent as yours but still labeled fantasy fiction. Your writing is go vivid, I honestly have to skim this, or I'll have nightmares!
Comment Written 29-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2012
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Mars ... LOL. Thank you, I think. Don't know the SS erotic shorts. Nightmares will be over soon. Nearly time for your man Trell. :) Thank you for saying it is vivid better than bland. :)ellen
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
Another intriguing, fascination chapter, Ellen...
trying to keep up with everything, as it all
mounts up otherwise.
Jacknel's mind{,) as if on fast rewind(,) returns to business and halts murder.
She watches him[,] casually[,] toss the arm - commas not necessary
alongside - one word
fine addition.The - space after period
that never grew up with its Vertant body a Vermel head, is nearby - confused over this line, Ellen - does it needed splitting?
Mr. C.[,] grunts
He breaks another crindium between his fingers [and](,) breaths in the crystals (and) then saunters over - move "and" and add a comma after "fingers"
overlap - one word
well-maintained
Brewik[,] stomps, - lose 1st comma
sided to side?? side to side?
running six[,] small, manicured - lose 1st comma
Margaret
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2012
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Another intriguing, fascination chapter, Ellen...
trying to keep up with everything, as it all
mounts up otherwise.
Jacknel's mind{,) as if on fast rewind(,) returns to business and halts murder.
She watches him[,] casually[,] toss the arm - commas not necessary
alongside - one word
fine addition.The - space after period
that never grew up with its Vertant body a Vermel head, is nearby - confused over this line, Ellen - does it needed splitting?
Mr. C.[,] grunts
He breaks another crindium between his fingers [and](,) breaths in the crystals (and) then saunters over - move "and" and add a comma after "fingers"
overlap - one word
well-maintained
Brewik[,] stomps, - lose 1st comma
sided to side?? side to side?
running six[,] small, manicured - lose 1st comma
Margaret
Comment Written 29-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2012
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Thank you ever so much for the spag-proofing. This one was just terrible. Wasn't it? You're tips are a big help -- like on casually not needing any commas and odd sentence structures. Maybe, I use too many adjectives as well. I'm thinking that need to be minimized. Is there any rule on that? :) ellen
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Not that I know of... I just write the way I do and hope for the best... ha...
Comment from cvcopac
The last line got me. That's harsh. Sadism and masturbation are rampant in this quarter. Club ErrOw reminds me of a bar I used to know, well, kind of. The mating activities are interesting. I see that strength and sexuality is about all the Vermel think about. Attracted by bright colors and any physical display of strength. Pleasure anyway they can get it. Very true for Jacknel, I surmise. Well at least Gima survived to fight another day. How will she stand up against the Violet? Pike got his just desserts.
I got a feeling we'll be here awhile before Trell gets to Gima.
Strong characters, even the secondaries stand out.
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2012
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The last line got me. That's harsh. Sadism and masturbation are rampant in this quarter. Club ErrOw reminds me of a bar I used to know, well, kind of. The mating activities are interesting. I see that strength and sexuality is about all the Vermel think about. Attracted by bright colors and any physical display of strength. Pleasure anyway they can get it. Very true for Jacknel, I surmise. Well at least Gima survived to fight another day. How will she stand up against the Violet? Pike got his just desserts.
I got a feeling we'll be here awhile before Trell gets to Gima.
Strong characters, even the secondaries stand out.
Comment Written 29-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2012
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Thank you for your review and liking the secondary characters. We won't be here that long. Don't want to delay the reader's need to end it. :)
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The rescue is what I'm waiting on.
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Me, too. LOL But then it's all over. Boo-Hoo.
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I still think "Gima" would make an excellent movie. I wonder how that works?
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I see it went gold over night. 32 chapters is a lot of writing. You can probably recite the entire book from memory. What's next, vacation?
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This IS vacation. I love doing this. :)e
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Don't know. First the book though. That's a start. :) It just has to find the right eyes and that seem to be fate's choice. A little push here and there of course won't hurt.:)
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I imagine the producers get a lot of material. Getting one to read a story is probably the first challenge. Where will you publish?
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Hey, it's getting nice outside now I'm having problems concentrating.
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I just began writing a year ago and that was mostly poetry until this try at a novel. So, I know nothing about any of this. It's all been baby steps. I'll find another step and take it. Whatever it is. It's an adventure probably filled with many 'nos' before I find a 'yes' ... if ever.
It won't stop me from writing. I guess that's what I do. I need a promoter. LOL I'm really a shy gal.
Comment from Writingfundimension
Extremely effective writing in this chapter, Ellen. You've created so many monsters to hate, and then finished with two lovers - one of whom wants a family! These creatures seem completely possible thanks to your strong descriptions and feel for their world. Lots of good humor sprinkled throughout also, which makes horror go down a little better.
Trell can't get there fast enough for me, Ellen.
Warm regards, Bev
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2012
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Extremely effective writing in this chapter, Ellen. You've created so many monsters to hate, and then finished with two lovers - one of whom wants a family! These creatures seem completely possible thanks to your strong descriptions and feel for their world. Lots of good humor sprinkled throughout also, which makes horror go down a little better.
Trell can't get there fast enough for me, Ellen.
Warm regards, Bev
Comment Written 29-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2012
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I guess it's time for the rescue. Second half to this chapter and we are on the way. The readers are impatient for the end.:) So am I. LOL:)
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After 32 chapters, OMG, I'll bet you're ready to move on to a new subject. Look forward to the dededede, RESCUE! Xxx Bev
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I was headed for the 60K word count. I'll be a bit over but that's okay.
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And yes, I've had enough depravity for a while.
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Yeah, that's still a good range. What you gonna' do with the story once you're done? Just curious.
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I so hear you! Xx Bev
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Looking for suggestions...I don't know if its worth doing anything with or just count it as practice.
Comment from strandregs
horror and pleasure somehow make horrendous dance partners.
I don't enjoy the horror and the pleasure seekers taste bitter
following the horror, but this story was not meant for me , so
I can only shudder and say you tell it well .Z.
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2012
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horror and pleasure somehow make horrendous dance partners.
I don't enjoy the horror and the pleasure seekers taste bitter
following the horror, but this story was not meant for me , so
I can only shudder and say you tell it well .Z.
Comment Written 29-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2012
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Thank you, Z. Soon all will be safe again. No more shuddering. :) BD
Comment from c_lucas
Gima is going from one hell to a deeper one. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read. Good job.
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2012
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Gima is going from one hell to a deeper one. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read. Good job.
Comment Written 29-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2012
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Thank you, Charlie. I'm wondering how far to go before the rescue. I think it's time for Trell and the gang to leave.:) ellen
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I think you are right. You're welcome. Ellen. Charlie
Comment from InterestingRon
Hi ellen
Good use of language to convey the vivid horror. Pike continues to have a terrible time!
It's clever how you have also conveyed the thoughts in Gima's head.
An excellent write.
Ron xox
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2012
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Hi ellen
Good use of language to convey the vivid horror. Pike continues to have a terrible time!
It's clever how you have also conveyed the thoughts in Gima's head.
An excellent write.
Ron xox
Comment Written 29-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2012
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Thank you for your review, Ron. One more half chapter and then time to move in with the Four.:) ellen xx
Comment from Gungalo
Gosh this is great. I'm in awe of your ability to keep your characters straight. Seems Gima is now to be the plaything for some new kind of sport, eh? Where is Trell and when will he rescue her?
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2012
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Gosh this is great. I'm in awe of your ability to keep your characters straight. Seems Gima is now to be the plaything for some new kind of sport, eh? Where is Trell and when will he rescue her?
Comment Written 29-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2012
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Trell is in the valley still thinks she is dead. It won't be long. Thank you for your anticipation, G. :) BD
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Sigh I can hardly sit still!! LOL.
Comment from bhogg
Fantasy is a genre I've never tried. It must be very difficult to share a frame of reference that doesn't really exist in the mind of your reader! I finally just let myself into the flow of your story and wound up being glad that I stopped by. Regards, Bill
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2012
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Fantasy is a genre I've never tried. It must be very difficult to share a frame of reference that doesn't really exist in the mind of your reader! I finally just let myself into the flow of your story and wound up being glad that I stopped by. Regards, Bill
Comment Written 29-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2012
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Thank you for your review, bhogg. I'm glad you gave it a try.:) BD
Comment from Asyraf N. Jamsari
A very good presentation. Nice artwork though. I like the concept of this one and the way you anticipated it. Good vocabulary as well. Keep up the good work
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reply by the author on 29-Apr-2012
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A very good presentation. Nice artwork though. I like the concept of this one and the way you anticipated it. Good vocabulary as well. Keep up the good work
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 29-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2012
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Thank you so much for your kind and generous review.:)BD