Gima The Beginning
Viewing comments for Chapter 24 "Gima: Lost"fantasy adventure
16 total reviews
Comment from InterestingRon
Hi ellen
You obtained a delightful mix in this chapter. Tender emotions in the interplay with the creatures - and tension as Gima battles to return home.
The damn machine will not let me give you a six!
Ron xox
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2012
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Hi ellen
You obtained a delightful mix in this chapter. Tender emotions in the interplay with the creatures - and tension as Gima battles to return home.
The damn machine will not let me give you a six!
Ron xox
Comment Written 25-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2012
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Thank you so much, Ron for your great comments.
I had that problem with sixes being released for you as well. It takes thirty days to release another. Your intent is appreciated.
I'm so pleased that you like the mix in this(tender to tense).Take care:) ellen xxx
Comment from Writingfundimension
Hi, Ellen. Your writing is clean and economical in this chapter, yet you manage to convey a great deal of emotion. Your description of the the situation with Trell and the boys is perfect in my mind. And, the tension around whether Gima will make it back to her family is well played.
Blathen's instincts shine through in this line: 'Blathen nods politely. He takes the corn, gently with a calm hand, and then turning to the side, he lowers his head and devours it (in a matter of seconds, doesn't seem necessary to me here - dilutes the image a bit).
Great job, Ellen. A totally enjoyable read.
Warm regards, Bev
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2012
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Hi, Ellen. Your writing is clean and economical in this chapter, yet you manage to convey a great deal of emotion. Your description of the the situation with Trell and the boys is perfect in my mind. And, the tension around whether Gima will make it back to her family is well played.
Blathen's instincts shine through in this line: 'Blathen nods politely. He takes the corn, gently with a calm hand, and then turning to the side, he lowers his head and devours it (in a matter of seconds, doesn't seem necessary to me here - dilutes the image a bit).
Great job, Ellen. A totally enjoyable read.
Warm regards, Bev
Comment Written 25-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2012
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Hi Bev. Does devourers say enough? I wanted him to be nice and then when he turned his head he was his usual 'kill the corn' self. I didn't want to say kill the corn again so tired to show that he didn't relish the corn, slowly, but tore into it. Should I but tore into it instead of devourer. Then leave 'in a matter of seconds' off?
Help! LOL Thank you. It's a fine review. I'm glad the tension around Gima is there.:) ellen
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It seems to me, Ellen, that this sentence keeps the theme going - that Blathen is struggling to be 'good' but has these other instincts. So, I'm wondering if 'in a few seconds' doesn't leave a passive impression. Just a thought.
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Have you found some 'goodies' on passsive voice. Do phrases imply passive voice?
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Haven't gotten my book yet. Should be getting it any day. Also, just ordered a book on showing and not telling. I'm SURE that's going to help LOL.
I think it was Brooke that mentioned that in one of the class lectures. For instance, if you preceded devoured with the phrase 'in a matter of seconds' it would feel different, too. I've been told many times to read my writing out loud, so I'm coming from the perspective of verbal impact. Does that make any sense?
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I guess she doesn't share those things in review. She reviewed and didn't mention it. It does make a big difference where phrases are entered. That's what takes me so long to get a post ready. I'm constantly deleting and rearranging. What you said makes perfect sense, Bev. I can't wait to hear if the book is helpful. Also, the show and tell book.:) ellen
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I know it's a bit of nitpicking, but I'm glad that it was helpful.
Yes, you know I'll share any nuggets I find in the books! Xxx Bev
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I went in and reworked that part. I think its better, if you want to look.
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Yes, that works very well, Ellen :)
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Nit pick away. Need it. Love it.:)
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It'll be nice to post the second half to this 'build' up, quiet before the storm, first half a chapter. LOL
Comment from purrfect tale
I love Trell running around like any frustrated new father left with the kids and being clueless. I keep asking myself how he got the doe to nurse Zee though.
Notes:
prowls the area and sees() only() broken branches - don't need these 2 commas
He takes the corn() gently with a calm hand, and then turning to the side, he lowers. Something seems awkward here. Part of me says the words gently and calm say the same thing and maybe would be better without gently. OR rearrange the words: With a calm hand, he gently takes and the corn - etc.
one she used to climb as (a) child beside
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2012
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I love Trell running around like any frustrated new father left with the kids and being clueless. I keep asking myself how he got the doe to nurse Zee though.
Notes:
prowls the area and sees() only() broken branches - don't need these 2 commas
He takes the corn() gently with a calm hand, and then turning to the side, he lowers. Something seems awkward here. Part of me says the words gently and calm say the same thing and maybe would be better without gently. OR rearrange the words: With a calm hand, he gently takes and the corn - etc.
one she used to climb as (a) child beside
Comment Written 25-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2012
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I always learn more from you each time you review. Now, I know how to use only in the middle of a sentence. I'll work on that corn(y) section. LOL I had trouble visualizing it myself and it's showing. Thank you so much for you help in review.:) ellen
Oh, if I did the deer nursing thing, I'd probably have the animal right's folks AND the breast feeding mothers society up in arms. Trell is very friendly with the animals. He and Gima are more animal than human in many ways. I saw a movie on TV one time of a woman who raised goats and only killed one when she had to for food. They were friendly like pets. She could do anything with them. I think of Trell being like that with the deer. They'd be more like pet horses than wild deer. You'll notice that they are always around in the field somewhere nearby.
I could put it in but I thought it would drag out the chapter. I already had enough description and not enough dialogue. No animal character in this one either. LOL Now, to go in and spiff up that section and remove some commas.:)
Comment from peggles
Whilst the plot is very simple and follows traditional
fantasy fiction your style of storytelling makes the plot feel fresh and original
I liked that they are trying to help a human
The small ones seem to be as much trouble to Treal as humans fathers have with their young
a strong chapter end with a intriguing hook
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2012
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Whilst the plot is very simple and follows traditional
fantasy fiction your style of storytelling makes the plot feel fresh and original
I liked that they are trying to help a human
The small ones seem to be as much trouble to Treal as humans fathers have with their young
a strong chapter end with a intriguing hook
Comment Written 25-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2012
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Thank you for this insightful review ... the odd-couple twins are certainly a handful.:) Thank you for saying the storytelling felt fresh and original. The plot will perk up soon. I can be so much more inventive in Bellow City, but can't go there yet. LOL The six is lovely. Thank you for thinking this post worthy. :) ellen
Comment from Gungalo
Gosh the more I read you the more I find that you know exactly what you have here. A well written story that continues on each time. Oh how clever they are in this story. Trell stuck with the two little ones and their mother off trying to find a cure for the human.
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reply by the author on 25-Mar-2012
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Gosh the more I read you the more I find that you know exactly what you have here. A well written story that continues on each time. Oh how clever they are in this story. Trell stuck with the two little ones and their mother off trying to find a cure for the human.
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Comment Written 25-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2012
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Thank you, G. I'm workin' on it, girl. Gotta git 'er done.
I wonder if they'll ever just have a day where nothing happens? I'd like for them to just relax, go for a walk, eat honeysuckle ...
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You're in charge, BD. LOL.
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LOL:) Sometimes, I wonder.
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So do I girl. LOL.
Comment from adewpearl
as his crys cause him to spasm - cries
Zee's ear-piercing crys - cries
You do an excellent job of conveying Trell's reaching a point past tolerance as the world presses in on him
Most of them land on Blathen, who delights - add comma
typo - Gima' scent is strange - Gima's
Good dramatic depiction of Gima fleeing the cougar
I love when you show Trell as a protective and loving father, as you do in your closing :-) Brooke
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reply by the author on 25-Mar-2012
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as his crys cause him to spasm - cries
Zee's ear-piercing crys - cries
You do an excellent job of conveying Trell's reaching a point past tolerance as the world presses in on him
Most of them land on Blathen, who delights - add comma
typo - Gima' scent is strange - Gima's
Good dramatic depiction of Gima fleeing the cougar
I love when you show Trell as a protective and loving father, as you do in your closing :-) Brooke
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2012
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Trell may have not thought it was a thing a man should do but by the end of the day, he pulled it off pretty well for being a new dad. LOL Thank you, Brooke for your 'cries' correction and helpful comments. The things you mentioned were important threads which need to carry forward. I'm glad they are evident.:) ellen