The Red Dress
Viewing comments for Chapter 33 "The Red Dress chapter thirty three"The story of a teenage girl
21 total reviews
Comment from rwilliam
but he surprised her by ushering her into the lounge where a huge pile of beautifully wrapped presents was lying.--do you mean..wrapped presents 'were' lying?
OK , I just have to say NO, NO , NO , NOOOOOOOOOO! I mean , I understand why she's thinking and behaving this way but I can't get past how creepy he was to stalk her when she was so young. AND besides he is NOT Alan. Oh I want to cry! BUT good writing. I still want to read more. LOL.:-)
*sigh* so, ok, but I am NOT giving up on her and Alan! I won't until I read the end of the book. (You might have to write me an alternate ending with them together).HAHAHAHA :-)
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2012
  |
but he surprised her by ushering her into the lounge where a huge pile of beautifully wrapped presents was lying.--do you mean..wrapped presents 'were' lying?
OK , I just have to say NO, NO , NO , NOOOOOOOOOO! I mean , I understand why she's thinking and behaving this way but I can't get past how creepy he was to stalk her when she was so young. AND besides he is NOT Alan. Oh I want to cry! BUT good writing. I still want to read more. LOL.:-)
*sigh* so, ok, but I am NOT giving up on her and Alan! I won't until I read the end of the book. (You might have to write me an alternate ending with them together).HAHAHAHA :-)
Comment Written 05-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2012
-
Well that's what I had, (were) but was told by another reviewer that it should be was because it was the 'pile' not 'the presents' that the were/was was referring to. God knows, when it gets published, somebody else can decide!
Now, I want you to calm down! There are still twenty chapters to go, and TONS going on. The only thing I was asking my regulars opinion on was whether she slept with the Nick at the hotel that night. There's a bit of a 'Pretty Woman'thing going on here (except Lisa's not a prostitute of course...yet...now there's an idea....
-
hahahah ok I"m calm !! :-) Yeah I don't know then that isn't my strong suit with grammar so we can let them figure it out. LOL
By the way I'm joking around ( just in case I'm freaking you out!) I'm loving this book so no worries. this is how I am with great story's .
Comment from axelbeariter
"I'm dressed up because my big brothers coming to take me out/Use brother's----The girls who had accumulated there were sitting/assembled might be a better choice than accumulated----All she could hear was the cheers of the girls all around her,/Use were instead of was----The same with the next was----What she'd with Alan had been wonderful, but it was over/Add experienced after she'd---- Amazingly, it fitted like a glove./This may be proper in England, but in the USA the sentence would read: Amazingly, it fit like a glove. The same with the next sentence. Let me know which way you choose, so if I run into this situation again, I'll know what's correct.----This is one of your most descriptive offerings. Terrific job.
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2012
|
"I'm dressed up because my big brothers coming to take me out/Use brother's----The girls who had accumulated there were sitting/assembled might be a better choice than accumulated----All she could hear was the cheers of the girls all around her,/Use were instead of was----The same with the next was----What she'd with Alan had been wonderful, but it was over/Add experienced after she'd---- Amazingly, it fitted like a glove./This may be proper in England, but in the USA the sentence would read: Amazingly, it fit like a glove. The same with the next sentence. Let me know which way you choose, so if I run into this situation again, I'll know what's correct.----This is one of your most descriptive offerings. Terrific job.
Comment Written 05-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2012
-
Thank you yet again. I think because it ia an English Publisher I'm presenting this to, I should stick with 'fitted' in the same way I've had to stick with mobile phone and mum, instead of mom. Who knows, It might all change next week. So glad you enjoyed it. Alexis x
-
So fitted is proper in England, eh?
Comment from Malerie
Well, I'm not sure what direction this should go. Normally, Alan would recover, find Lisa and they would live happily ever after. That's not always the reality. I would like to see something "real" happen. For me, Alan and Lisa's love was mostly based on his physical attraction to her (as so many men have been, even Nick). Lisa love for Alas was based on her immaturity. Now that she has matured some, she may feel differently. Alan was engaged to Carla, their love should have a chance. You have done an excellent job with this story; how about a surprise ending? Can't wait to see how this ends; keep writing, I'll keep reading.
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2012
|
Well, I'm not sure what direction this should go. Normally, Alan would recover, find Lisa and they would live happily ever after. That's not always the reality. I would like to see something "real" happen. For me, Alan and Lisa's love was mostly based on his physical attraction to her (as so many men have been, even Nick). Lisa love for Alas was based on her immaturity. Now that she has matured some, she may feel differently. Alan was engaged to Carla, their love should have a chance. You have done an excellent job with this story; how about a surprise ending? Can't wait to see how this ends; keep writing, I'll keep reading.
Comment Written 05-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2012
-
Don't worry, the ending is twenty chapters away and decided after a lot of twists and turns. The only opinion I'm after is does Lisa sleep with Nick at the hotel that night. (At the moment the two of them are in freeze frame at the Hilton with Nicks hand on her breast, waiting for a decision!)I'm off to rewrite the authors notes! Alexis x
Comment from debskatz
Hi alexis,
At this point, it would cause too many problems & break too many hearts to get Lisa & Alan back together. I see Lisa & Nick getting married, Carla nursing Alan back to health & them getting married. Sometime down the road, when they're older & wiser, maybe they could get together some way. Your call!
LOTS of spag!
"I'm dressed up because my big brother(')s
Lisa nodded and tried to look enthusiastic(,) but she still
What she'd (had) with Alan had been wonderful,
As they got closer to London(,) Lisa was
with Nick(,) she had been a virgin,
let him believe(,) what he
help of a very pretty assistant(,) managed to
The black velvet(,) empire bodice
Dan and Teddy didn't come in with her(,) and Teddy just
As she walked into the hotel(,) she felt
When she knocked on the door(,) Nick (opened) it almost at once(,)(.) (and) (S)she expected him
Nick had changed into a v(-)necked sweater and black chinos,(.) (and) Lisa
Because of the age gap(,) she had
Whew! Girl, you make me work!! lol
You know the drill. There was just too many to give a 5, so holler back at me.
I'm really looking forward to the next chapter & see what you decide to do!
smiles,
deb
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2012
|
Hi alexis,
At this point, it would cause too many problems & break too many hearts to get Lisa & Alan back together. I see Lisa & Nick getting married, Carla nursing Alan back to health & them getting married. Sometime down the road, when they're older & wiser, maybe they could get together some way. Your call!
LOTS of spag!
"I'm dressed up because my big brother(')s
Lisa nodded and tried to look enthusiastic(,) but she still
What she'd (had) with Alan had been wonderful,
As they got closer to London(,) Lisa was
with Nick(,) she had been a virgin,
let him believe(,) what he
help of a very pretty assistant(,) managed to
The black velvet(,) empire bodice
Dan and Teddy didn't come in with her(,) and Teddy just
As she walked into the hotel(,) she felt
When she knocked on the door(,) Nick (opened) it almost at once(,)(.) (and) (S)she expected him
Nick had changed into a v(-)necked sweater and black chinos,(.) (and) Lisa
Because of the age gap(,) she had
Whew! Girl, you make me work!! lol
You know the drill. There was just too many to give a 5, so holler back at me.
I'm really looking forward to the next chapter & see what you decide to do!
smiles,
deb
Comment Written 05-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2012
-
Phew, all corrected! This was a complete rewrite today, so I'm totally knackered. You still haven't told me if you think they should sleep together at the hotel. As I've added to the authors notes, the poor buggers are stuck in freeze-frame at the Hilton as we speak! The next chapter has no effect on the remaining 15-20 chapters. Any thoughts would be welcomed... Alexis x
-
Heck, girl, I thought you wanted advice on how the book should end! My bad!! Well, of course they sleep together! You've pretty much made it where they have to, anyway. How would you get them out of it? Sex, sex, sex!!! lol
:-)
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, alexis, you did a great job writing this chapter where lisa is overwhelmed by nick's proposal as her friends watched. i don't want them to make love. i want her to tell him about alan and he uses his resources to fly her to be by his side.
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2012
|
this is very well written, alexis, you did a great job writing this chapter where lisa is overwhelmed by nick's proposal as her friends watched. i don't want them to make love. i want her to tell him about alan and he uses his resources to fly her to be by his side.
Comment Written 05-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2012
-
This was exactly what I was hoping for. An opinion that counts. Thank you so much. Alexis x
-
i heard a story about a studen at xavier roberts college who had a mother that was dying and he was in the middle of exams. xavier roberts heard about it, sent the boy home on his personal jet and let him take his exams later.
Comment from Maureen's Pen
Great work on this chapter love, it's filled with all the emotion of all the girls at the convent. Excellent cliff hanger, you have me looking forward to the next chapter.
Thanks for sharing. Couple of some things to consider below.
Maureen
x
Edit Checks:
"what all her friends were going to wear,( ) and Amy seemed to (bad mouth) everything she put on.." I think you have an extra space here than is needed. Also I think "bad mouth" should be 'reject' sounds more better.
" Lisa nodded and tried to look enthusiastic but she still couldn't match that of her friends. She put on a cream (polo neck) sweater." // No one over here would know what a "polo neck" is, they are 'turtle necks'. You have used the term sweater, I think that is descriptive enough.
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2012
|
Great work on this chapter love, it's filled with all the emotion of all the girls at the convent. Excellent cliff hanger, you have me looking forward to the next chapter.
Thanks for sharing. Couple of some things to consider below.
Maureen
x
Edit Checks:
"what all her friends were going to wear,( ) and Amy seemed to (bad mouth) everything she put on.." I think you have an extra space here than is needed. Also I think "bad mouth" should be 'reject' sounds more better.
" Lisa nodded and tried to look enthusiastic but she still couldn't match that of her friends. She put on a cream (polo neck) sweater." // No one over here would know what a "polo neck" is, they are 'turtle necks'. You have used the term sweater, I think that is descriptive enough.
Comment Written 05-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2012
-
Spot on, Maureen. Thank you for putting me right on the pond issue, I keep forgetting! Take care, Alexis xxx
-
No worries....I'll keep reminding:)
Great work to read as always.
Hugs
Maureen
wc x
Comment from hellion5
Well-written, great flow. Your characters are alive and breathing.
Just a few things I noticed:
on the grass chatting and waiting--grass, chatting
gone silent and everyone was looking towards the--and looked towards might be better
smiled at him genuinely wanting to--at him, genuinely
let him believe, what he--believe what
wrapped presents were lying.--was lying
he was, he looked gorgeous--was; he
had a flash back to Liam's studio--flashback
he was standing behind her--when did that happen?
Great job--
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2012
|
Well-written, great flow. Your characters are alive and breathing.
Just a few things I noticed:
on the grass chatting and waiting--grass, chatting
gone silent and everyone was looking towards the--and looked towards might be better
smiled at him genuinely wanting to--at him, genuinely
let him believe, what he--believe what
wrapped presents were lying.--was lying
he was, he looked gorgeous--was; he
had a flash back to Liam's studio--flashback
he was standing behind her--when did that happen?
Great job--
Comment Written 05-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2012
-
All great suggestions which I have acted upon immediately. Lol, I just hate it when characters miraculously jump across rooms and do things without warning from places they haven't been! I'm so grateful for a second set of eyes! Alexis x
-
Glad I could help--
Sue
Comment from LisaSilva
It sounds as if she's entrapping herself into something that won't be easy to get out of, gracefully. I understand though. I remember being adored and how it feels compared to falling in love. In love, there is a feeling that you are both so lucky. When you're adored, it feels good, sexy and captivating, but it sure lacks the connection it takes for the long term. Your writing makes it easy to feel what she's feeling. I love it;)
Love, Lisa
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2012
|
It sounds as if she's entrapping herself into something that won't be easy to get out of, gracefully. I understand though. I remember being adored and how it feels compared to falling in love. In love, there is a feeling that you are both so lucky. When you're adored, it feels good, sexy and captivating, but it sure lacks the connection it takes for the long term. Your writing makes it easy to feel what she's feeling. I love it;)
Love, Lisa
Comment Written 05-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2012
-
You are spot on, Lisa. You have identified the difference perfectly. Thank you. Alexis x
Comment from Rob Caudle
I just to stop by for a read and see what all the buzz was about. Romance novels are not exactly in my wheel house but many of my friends an love them technically the work was flawless. Even, I old curmudgeon that I am, was caught in the story Vivaldi and, Greensleeves played in my living room. thank you for a delightful early morning read. I will be stopping back from time to time. Well done
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2012
|
I just to stop by for a read and see what all the buzz was about. Romance novels are not exactly in my wheel house but many of my friends an love them technically the work was flawless. Even, I old curmudgeon that I am, was caught in the story Vivaldi and, Greensleeves played in my living room. thank you for a delightful early morning read. I will be stopping back from time to time. Well done
Comment Written 05-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2012
-
Then my thanks to you are most sincere. I'm so glad that you took the time to stop by. Alexis x
Comment from cmblack
I really enjoyed this chapter. You have done a wonderful job in capturing Lisa's youth, insecurities and confusion in being swept away. I liked the internal conflict that she was facing and I liked that as a reader it wasn't completely predictable. She is interested in Nick, perhaps not to the degree that she was Alan but she is approaching it with an openness that felt like it had possibilities. I gave it a 4 star review, because I want to hold my review until I read the other chapter version that you mentioned in your notes.
You had a few point of view switches that bumped me in the story. There were a couple of spots where it seems like we switch to Teddy then back to Lisa. And, there was an obvious switch half way down where we get into Nick's head, but then when Lisa shows up we go back to her head and during dinner we bounce back into Nick's head and then back to Lisa again.
I know lots of published authors do this, however I have been told repeatedly that if you are a new author, editors won't put up with multiple view points in the same scene. I think the switch to Nick part way down works, but then it perhaps should stay with him until the close of the chapter. Also, I've been told that a POV switch should be marked with an asterisk or pound sign.
Please direct me to where the other version is and I will read it. And probably re-read this to, so I can give you the best feedback.
I thought the characters worked and were vividly drawn. I was a little confused in the beginning however, I think it's because of where I came in on the story, not because of the writing. Looking forward to reading more!
Thanks for sharing!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2012
 |
I really enjoyed this chapter. You have done a wonderful job in capturing Lisa's youth, insecurities and confusion in being swept away. I liked the internal conflict that she was facing and I liked that as a reader it wasn't completely predictable. She is interested in Nick, perhaps not to the degree that she was Alan but she is approaching it with an openness that felt like it had possibilities. I gave it a 4 star review, because I want to hold my review until I read the other chapter version that you mentioned in your notes.
You had a few point of view switches that bumped me in the story. There were a couple of spots where it seems like we switch to Teddy then back to Lisa. And, there was an obvious switch half way down where we get into Nick's head, but then when Lisa shows up we go back to her head and during dinner we bounce back into Nick's head and then back to Lisa again.
I know lots of published authors do this, however I have been told repeatedly that if you are a new author, editors won't put up with multiple view points in the same scene. I think the switch to Nick part way down works, but then it perhaps should stay with him until the close of the chapter. Also, I've been told that a POV switch should be marked with an asterisk or pound sign.
Please direct me to where the other version is and I will read it. And probably re-read this to, so I can give you the best feedback.
I thought the characters worked and were vividly drawn. I was a little confused in the beginning however, I think it's because of where I came in on the story, not because of the writing. Looking forward to reading more!
Thanks for sharing!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2012
-
Thank you for your review. It is the next chapter that has two different versions, and I am awaiting an opinion from the many followers of the book before posting because I really value their opinion. Alexis.