The Red Dress
Viewing comments for Chapter 32 "The Red Dress chapter thirty two"The story of a teenage girl
15 total reviews
Comment from axelbeariter
Now he knew that she not only loved him, but that she was wretched at not knowing if he still cared, he was ecstatic./Make that into two sentences. He was ecstatic being the second one.----It was Teddy's turn today, and she frogmarched Lisa down to the dining room like a sergeant major./I never heard frogmarched before. Is that original?----"You know, guys, I don't know what I would have done without you"/Put a period after you"----She decided/Use She thought or something like that--You used decided in the previous sentence---- "I bet that I'll love you for longer." he whispered, and slowly opened his eyes....Great ending/hook
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2012
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Now he knew that she not only loved him, but that she was wretched at not knowing if he still cared, he was ecstatic./Make that into two sentences. He was ecstatic being the second one.----It was Teddy's turn today, and she frogmarched Lisa down to the dining room like a sergeant major./I never heard frogmarched before. Is that original?----"You know, guys, I don't know what I would have done without you"/Put a period after you"----She decided/Use She thought or something like that--You used decided in the previous sentence---- "I bet that I'll love you for longer." he whispered, and slowly opened his eyes....Great ending/hook
Comment Written 04-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2012
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All corrections made. I really don't know where I would be without you. Thank you so much. Alexis x
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You would be frogmarching toward publication. Axel
Comment from Roberta Joan Jensen
Nick had just got back to the house, having played golf all afternoon. --- When you say "had just," it cries out for a "when something happened." Since that connect-up is missing, you might want to rewrite this sentence to make it flow better.
"That would be [great]," Amy answered [gratefully]; already anxious as to how she was going to explain the long distance call to her parents when they got
the bill. She gave him the telephone and extension number, before she put down the phone.--- "and then put down the phone."
The expression on everyone's face[] was tortured, trying to work out what he was saying.
When I spoke to her earlier[,] she said she couldn't get over losing you- and how she
A month before[,] he had wept the bitter tears
of sadness, but now he wept for joy. Nick thanked God for Amy's phone call. He had thought Lisa didn't want him, far less love him. Now he knew that she
not only loved him, but that she was wretched at not knowing if he still cared[. H]e was ecstatic.
Lisa lay on the bed staring up at the ceiling, wondering what to do. Nick had just called. When she'd picked up the phone and heard his voice, she'd burst
into tears and couldn't speak, but it didn't matter- Nick did enough talking for both of them. --- Don't tell; show. Do the conversation live; don't retell it to us.
She was now[] where he was then.
The next day Teddy called her brother. When he answered[,] she excitedly told him her news.
"Dan[,] it's him, the guy I asked you about. It really is the same millionaire who's in love with Lisa Collins, the girl in my year."
Dan laughed at his little sister's naivet[e]. He knew she was going [to] tell him, whether it paid her or not...
"Of course you can[,] love, it's about time somebody checked on it. Have you still got the keys?"
Carla still had them[] and promised to give the flat a tidy up on Saturday morning[] before she came to the hospital to visit Alan.
Lisa sensed a bit of irritation in Linda's voice[] and decided not to ask anymore. She decided she must have been half asleep at the assembly that had mentioned
anything about a string quartet[] because she couldn't remember anything about it at all...
"What is it[,] baby?" she cried, and saw his lips moving, although no audible words were coming out.
Progress! At last!
Roberta
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2012
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Nick had just got back to the house, having played golf all afternoon. --- When you say "had just," it cries out for a "when something happened." Since that connect-up is missing, you might want to rewrite this sentence to make it flow better.
"That would be [great]," Amy answered [gratefully]; already anxious as to how she was going to explain the long distance call to her parents when they got
the bill. She gave him the telephone and extension number, before she put down the phone.--- "and then put down the phone."
The expression on everyone's face[] was tortured, trying to work out what he was saying.
When I spoke to her earlier[,] she said she couldn't get over losing you- and how she
A month before[,] he had wept the bitter tears
of sadness, but now he wept for joy. Nick thanked God for Amy's phone call. He had thought Lisa didn't want him, far less love him. Now he knew that she
not only loved him, but that she was wretched at not knowing if he still cared[. H]e was ecstatic.
Lisa lay on the bed staring up at the ceiling, wondering what to do. Nick had just called. When she'd picked up the phone and heard his voice, she'd burst
into tears and couldn't speak, but it didn't matter- Nick did enough talking for both of them. --- Don't tell; show. Do the conversation live; don't retell it to us.
She was now[] where he was then.
The next day Teddy called her brother. When he answered[,] she excitedly told him her news.
"Dan[,] it's him, the guy I asked you about. It really is the same millionaire who's in love with Lisa Collins, the girl in my year."
Dan laughed at his little sister's naivet[e]. He knew she was going [to] tell him, whether it paid her or not...
"Of course you can[,] love, it's about time somebody checked on it. Have you still got the keys?"
Carla still had them[] and promised to give the flat a tidy up on Saturday morning[] before she came to the hospital to visit Alan.
Lisa sensed a bit of irritation in Linda's voice[] and decided not to ask anymore. She decided she must have been half asleep at the assembly that had mentioned
anything about a string quartet[] because she couldn't remember anything about it at all...
"What is it[,] baby?" she cried, and saw his lips moving, although no audible words were coming out.
Progress! At last!
Roberta
Comment Written 04-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2012
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You are so patient with me, Roberta (I hope!) My thanks yet again. Alexis x
Comment from Maureen's Pen
Oh god I am going to be living in a nut house by the end of this story. Bleeding heck. It just keeps going and going...and I am still really considering throttling you!
Book in hand I'd be reading this in one sitting... But nooooo I have to wait and wait and wait....I think my brains leaked out. Tis all your fault cause now I have to wait till tomorrow for the next chapters.....
Apart from the obvious fact that I want to scream my head off in complete insanity due to your wonderful story I think it is well penned, and keeps the reader heading to the nut house.
Need a drink!
Maureen
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2012
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Oh god I am going to be living in a nut house by the end of this story. Bleeding heck. It just keeps going and going...and I am still really considering throttling you!
Book in hand I'd be reading this in one sitting... But nooooo I have to wait and wait and wait....I think my brains leaked out. Tis all your fault cause now I have to wait till tomorrow for the next chapters.....
Apart from the obvious fact that I want to scream my head off in complete insanity due to your wonderful story I think it is well penned, and keeps the reader heading to the nut house.
Need a drink!
Maureen
Comment Written 04-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2012
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What do you mean going to be? I think you and I have to talk... xxx
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yes yes you are right I already am in the nut house....that explains so much.
Hugs
Maureen
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
Oh, I'm so pleased Lisa
knows Nick truly loves
her and wants her back...
well rehearsed
well-rehearsed
well stocked
well-stocked
Another most enjoyable chapter...
sorry I'm behind, but I do get
round to reviewing when I can.
Margaret
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reply by the author on 04-Feb-2012
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Oh, I'm so pleased Lisa
knows Nick truly loves
her and wants her back...
well rehearsed
well-rehearsed
well stocked
well-stocked
Another most enjoyable chapter...
sorry I'm behind, but I do get
round to reviewing when I can.
Margaret
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 04-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2012
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No apology required, I'm just delighted when you can. Alexis x
Comment from AlexAX
So many things happening in this chapter. I think Nick will be in for another big let down :( He has his hopes set up so high. I don't know what he will say when her finds out she doesn't love him. Carla wearing Lisa's perfume, nice, I thought it might do the trick. I wonder if he will say Lisa ... not that you will tell me lol Alex :)
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reply by the author on 04-Feb-2012
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So many things happening in this chapter. I think Nick will be in for another big let down :( He has his hopes set up so high. I don't know what he will say when her finds out she doesn't love him. Carla wearing Lisa's perfume, nice, I thought it might do the trick. I wonder if he will say Lisa ... not that you will tell me lol Alex :)
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 04-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2012
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I love your reviews, you are right there beside the characters all the way. Thank you! Alexis x