Life Passes By
a contest entry33 total reviews
Comment from dbmccarter
I can see why this won the contest. Like you, I prefer the subtle horror. It is much more frightening and much more meaningful. Congratulations.
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2012
  |
I can see why this won the contest. Like you, I prefer the subtle horror. It is much more frightening and much more meaningful. Congratulations.
Comment Written 06-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2012
-
Thanks for a great review. I think I owe you a PM; I'll get right to it.
Comment from amada
Congratulations in winning the contest. As a raised catholic, your words brought me back to some elements of confession and honor for our priests, at that time, anyway. A very compelling story; different, it brought me in. The dialog was superb, it told the story!
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2012
|
Congratulations in winning the contest. As a raised catholic, your words brought me back to some elements of confession and honor for our priests, at that time, anyway. A very compelling story; different, it brought me in. The dialog was superb, it told the story!
Comment Written 06-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2012
-
Thank you for your review. Since I wasn't raised Catholic, I am glad to know I got it right!
Comment from size17
Congrats on the win.
Lot of issues here, which adds some nice intellectual fodder in addition to having a compelling story. The flashbacks worked for me, they allowed you to give us Tim's perspective as he heard the youth's confession. Although I felt that Tim's commentary on how nuts the kid could be toned down a bit.
I would have like to see some actually validity behind the youth's accusations. Tim never really recalls or responds emotionally or directly to the youth's charges. I was sort of expecting Tim to start getting scared as he recalled giving the boy's mother advice. It would probably be pretty memorable for a priest, especially if the mom talked about an evil child.
I also want to put something out there for you to think about with respect to the youth. I think there are two ways to go.
First. I think you could also come right out of the gate with having a cold blooded youth in the confessional. He starts off uncertain, maybe just conflicted, but that doesn't seem to fit with him later, driven and purposeful. You say "The voice now sounded strangely confident." To indicate transition, but I think the story is more about Tim, than about the youth, so he doesn't need to change over the course of the story.
Second. On the other hand, if the youth is to have a personal change, I think it would be more powerful and chilling to have him go the opposite way. Have him come in certain he is going to kill the priest, but then let Tim be effective in instilling doubt. Then the final act could be in confusion or panic.
All in all, good story.
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2012
|
Congrats on the win.
Lot of issues here, which adds some nice intellectual fodder in addition to having a compelling story. The flashbacks worked for me, they allowed you to give us Tim's perspective as he heard the youth's confession. Although I felt that Tim's commentary on how nuts the kid could be toned down a bit.
I would have like to see some actually validity behind the youth's accusations. Tim never really recalls or responds emotionally or directly to the youth's charges. I was sort of expecting Tim to start getting scared as he recalled giving the boy's mother advice. It would probably be pretty memorable for a priest, especially if the mom talked about an evil child.
I also want to put something out there for you to think about with respect to the youth. I think there are two ways to go.
First. I think you could also come right out of the gate with having a cold blooded youth in the confessional. He starts off uncertain, maybe just conflicted, but that doesn't seem to fit with him later, driven and purposeful. You say "The voice now sounded strangely confident." To indicate transition, but I think the story is more about Tim, than about the youth, so he doesn't need to change over the course of the story.
Second. On the other hand, if the youth is to have a personal change, I think it would be more powerful and chilling to have him go the opposite way. Have him come in certain he is going to kill the priest, but then let Tim be effective in instilling doubt. Then the final act could be in confusion or panic.
All in all, good story.
Comment Written 06-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2012
-
Thank you for your review.
Comment from Chris Davis
Very good job on the writing, so sad how the events came back to haunt the young priest, even as he was doing as he was taught he ought. And very sad that the young boy was so consumed by the poison his mother had fed him that he felt unsavable, on any level. Nice job conveying this story.
~Chris
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2012
|
Very good job on the writing, so sad how the events came back to haunt the young priest, even as he was doing as he was taught he ought. And very sad that the young boy was so consumed by the poison his mother had fed him that he felt unsavable, on any level. Nice job conveying this story.
~Chris
Comment Written 06-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2012
-
Thanks for an ecellent review.
-
You're welcome... :)
Comment from Diamondwolf
great use of flashbacks to move the story along. Could have used another name besides the cliche Fr. Flanigan but pretty minor. IT was kind of too predictable, though, nera the end. Seems the priests always get shot. Was hoping for a little more suspense. Jack's issue didn'tseem to have much to do with the story so that stalled it a bit. I would have taken that out.
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2012
|
great use of flashbacks to move the story along. Could have used another name besides the cliche Fr. Flanigan but pretty minor. IT was kind of too predictable, though, nera the end. Seems the priests always get shot. Was hoping for a little more suspense. Jack's issue didn'tseem to have much to do with the story so that stalled it a bit. I would have taken that out.
Comment Written 05-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2012
-
That's interesting. I think Jack's issue had to do with expectations and that's what this story is all about. How do you see it as not related to the story? Thank you for the review.
Comment from barkingdog
You have a very nice 'hook' for the reader with the first quote using the phrase 'like ... forever' this gives us characters one(a priest) and two. I'm interested immediately.
Then you go through all of the flash backs to Jack and Timmy from Priest Timothy's attempts to do what's correct in the confessional. (He always seems a bit out of place and awkward which fits in well with the fact that he really never wanted to be a priest ... second son thing/ tradition.
Timothy thinks the questions that the reader wants to know about the boy in the confessional. That's great pulling us into the confessional with Timothy.
When his dad was shot, I thought his brother was going to be shot since he too was a policeman. This was a good hint of misdirection.
The boy's misery of even being born ... may have been how the brother's felt. One gay and having to act straight, the other a priest uncomfortable in the role dictated by the church. Life for all three seems so mis-directed by outside forces.(two succumbed one survives)
The boy who might be on drugs(from the first of the story he stumbled in)and had a mother who blamed him for, probably, every thing that went wrong in her life, finally cracks.(Jack cracked but in a good way. He admitted he was gay and was better for it. This is a story with in a story , adding depth to Jack's character.)
In the end, all that's left with all of this tradition is the untraditional cop, Jack. Ironic, when Timothy always tried to do what was right by dictate. Jack did what was right by life. I don't know if I expressed that last bit very well.
Super read. Super back and fourth, building tension. Super dialogue. Super everything.
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2012
 |
You have a very nice 'hook' for the reader with the first quote using the phrase 'like ... forever' this gives us characters one(a priest) and two. I'm interested immediately.
Then you go through all of the flash backs to Jack and Timmy from Priest Timothy's attempts to do what's correct in the confessional. (He always seems a bit out of place and awkward which fits in well with the fact that he really never wanted to be a priest ... second son thing/ tradition.
Timothy thinks the questions that the reader wants to know about the boy in the confessional. That's great pulling us into the confessional with Timothy.
When his dad was shot, I thought his brother was going to be shot since he too was a policeman. This was a good hint of misdirection.
The boy's misery of even being born ... may have been how the brother's felt. One gay and having to act straight, the other a priest uncomfortable in the role dictated by the church. Life for all three seems so mis-directed by outside forces.(two succumbed one survives)
The boy who might be on drugs(from the first of the story he stumbled in)and had a mother who blamed him for, probably, every thing that went wrong in her life, finally cracks.(Jack cracked but in a good way. He admitted he was gay and was better for it. This is a story with in a story , adding depth to Jack's character.)
In the end, all that's left with all of this tradition is the untraditional cop, Jack. Ironic, when Timothy always tried to do what was right by dictate. Jack did what was right by life. I don't know if I expressed that last bit very well.
Super read. Super back and fourth, building tension. Super dialogue. Super everything.
Comment Written 05-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2012
-
Thanks for an exceptional review and understanding the story. I have wondered on and off if Jack were gay or if it was just a one-night stand. You clarified that for me.
-
You're welcome, Alvin. Another thing if you look at it, the mother's really had tremendous impact on these three sons. Mother church being the greatest influence of all. You have many underlying themes.
-
Yes, I am glad you caught the multilayering of the story. I intended that.
Comment from Eleanor Buron
The story has a strong sense of place, the town, the church. The characters are fleshed out. I like the flashbacks to events in Timothy's life and the admission of his not wanting to be a priest. The dialog moves the conflict along. The tension tightens with each unfolding, present and past, and the ending wraps it up perfectly. Very good writing.
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2012
|
The story has a strong sense of place, the town, the church. The characters are fleshed out. I like the flashbacks to events in Timothy's life and the admission of his not wanting to be a priest. The dialog moves the conflict along. The tension tightens with each unfolding, present and past, and the ending wraps it up perfectly. Very good writing.
Comment Written 04-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2012
-
Thanks for an excellent review. I am quite grateful.
-
You are quite deserving. Elly
Comment from Krugerrand
I found your story to be the story of life in general. A cycle, everything coming around, eventually.
The tradition of Irish families is both compelling and sad.
I found myself chuckling a time or two...horror isn't any good unless there's a moment or two of funny, imo. Keeps a person sane.
Overall, I enjoyed the write.
Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012
|
I found your story to be the story of life in general. A cycle, everything coming around, eventually.
The tradition of Irish families is both compelling and sad.
I found myself chuckling a time or two...horror isn't any good unless there's a moment or two of funny, imo. Keeps a person sane.
Overall, I enjoyed the write.
Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 01-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012
-
Thanks for an excellent review. Yes, I meant to inject humor at certain places.
Comment from Teri7
Al, This was a very interesting and enjoyable read. It kind of had me sitting on the edge of my seat as I read it. Great work my friend. Hugs, Teri
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012
|
Al, This was a very interesting and enjoyable read. It kind of had me sitting on the edge of my seat as I read it. Great work my friend. Hugs, Teri
Comment Written 01-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012
-
Thanks for an excellent review. Where have you been?
Comment from wordsfromsue
Alvin, I'm not a professional, as you know. This is strictly my reaction. It's flipping brilliant. I like the way the story goes back and forth between past and present. The build up of tension is terrific. You provided a shocking but satisfying conclusion. I very much liked all of the moral dilemmas presented and the unspoken suggestion that there are no easy answers with moral issues at times.
Great story. :-)
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012
|
Alvin, I'm not a professional, as you know. This is strictly my reaction. It's flipping brilliant. I like the way the story goes back and forth between past and present. The build up of tension is terrific. You provided a shocking but satisfying conclusion. I very much liked all of the moral dilemmas presented and the unspoken suggestion that there are no easy answers with moral issues at times.
Great story. :-)
Comment Written 01-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012
-
Thanks for a great review. I am quite grateful.