Gima The Beginning
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "Gima: Trolious"fantasy adventure
18 total reviews
Comment from tekayep
I do not have the skill to critique your story, and always coming in to it later, but it drew me in. I wanted to say thanks for selecting my artwork and am humbled if it gave any inspiration. Tek
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2012
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I do not have the skill to critique your story, and always coming in to it later, but it drew me in. I wanted to say thanks for selecting my artwork and am humbled if it gave any inspiration. Tek
Comment Written 22-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2012
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Thank you Tek for your review and generous permission to use your 'Desire' as art for this chapter. It remined me of what they might see in the glass art in this place.:) barking dog
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
I'm getting used to the names more now, which
makes it easier to follow.... a few nits, unless
I've misunderstood.
twinking, glass river. - should this be twinkling??
demenor (demeanour) or demeanor in your case, since you don't add the "u" over and beyond
the who will take him - who? - me no understand
which is in prefect symmetry - perfect
browish-gray - brownish
allustrious position. Illustrious ??
monsterous - monstrous
protecter - protector
volumn -volume
identies ?? identities
euphoira - euphoria
Margaret
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2012
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I'm getting used to the names more now, which
makes it easier to follow.... a few nits, unless
I've misunderstood.
twinking, glass river. - should this be twinkling??
demenor (demeanour) or demeanor in your case, since you don't add the "u" over and beyond
the who will take him - who? - me no understand
which is in prefect symmetry - perfect
browish-gray - brownish
allustrious position. Illustrious ??
monsterous - monstrous
protecter - protector
volumn -volume
identies ?? identities
euphoira - euphoria
Margaret
Comment Written 22-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2012
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Thank you Margaret for these nits. I alway have them if I type directly into the post and forget to cut and paste it back. I forgot again, Oh, well. That me, miss forgetful. LOL I'm glad you are getting used to the names now. I did take out thwort however and use twort or twortle instead. LOL :) ellen xxx
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this is the first time I've come across these nits in your work. I've never typed directly into post as I like to go through the chapter before hand. M x
Comment from purrfect tale
You are really painting a gross world here at Sadie's. It gives me the creeps. Cool! I'm still envisioning Sadie getting to the surface.
Notes:
And from his (demeanor) - OOps
One of Larue's particulate collectors () gently tickles
() who will take him from this place tonight.
They flush out a hiding, (twelve-year-old),
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2012
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You are really painting a gross world here at Sadie's. It gives me the creeps. Cool! I'm still envisioning Sadie getting to the surface.
Notes:
And from his (demeanor) - OOps
One of Larue's particulate collectors () gently tickles
() who will take him from this place tonight.
They flush out a hiding, (twelve-year-old),
Comment Written 22-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2012
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Thank you very, very much for your review of six stars, and the spags. You want Sadie to go to the surface? Maybe in the next book if this one isn't long enough. I don't know how lone a book is supposed to be. I'm glad this is creepy-cool for you.:) ellen
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I think Sadie would cause a riot on the surface. BTW - the average novel is 90,000 words, but 80,000 is passage. Novellas are 50,000 and up. How many words do you have so far?
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I have no idea but not nearly enough for a book and I have too many characters for a novella. You mean that the 60,000 word contest book that you did is not enough for a novel? And BTW when are you finishing it? Come on don't leave us hangin'.
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It's the 90k word limit that has me stuck. The story was coming to an end too soon and I'm debating whether to add a lot more from where I am or finish it up then go back and add chapters all through it.
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I'm just going forward and forward. I'm afraid of fill disturbing the flow that is already there. So,forward is the only way to go for me. I have deleted two scenes at Sadies and one at a dance club to intoduce Trell's sister and Gima's sister. I may have to stick them back in after we pop back up to the top and check on Hunter/Asmel and the cabin full of dead wolf bits.LOL
Take it forward. You have so much set up for a drama with the tunnel crowd and you havent even gotten into that the son many meet the vandal boys, etc. So, much to go forward. I wouldn't worry at all about filling in the beginning.Keep the tension flowing. You've got us hooked now.
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Yeah, you are probably right. I'll ease up on getting to the end. I want her to spend the winter in her jailhouse anyway.
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I guess we both have quite a bit more to write. Hang in there.
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Winter sounds good. Lot of things to conquer in blizzards and frozen water pumps are always a great time. LOL
Comment from livingwords
This is exciting and daring. Your creativity shines through. It's a complicated story which combined with so many characters is difficult to follow. But, you are pulling it off splendidly. Keep it up. I'm behind you, so to speak. Dan :))
Nit:...seem to argue priority... I never like the phrase 'seem to'. It does or it doesn't.
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2012
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This is exciting and daring. Your creativity shines through. It's a complicated story which combined with so many characters is difficult to follow. But, you are pulling it off splendidly. Keep it up. I'm behind you, so to speak. Dan :))
Nit:...seem to argue priority... I never like the phrase 'seem to'. It does or it doesn't.
Comment Written 22-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2012
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Thank you, Dan for the six and the heads up on 'seem to.' It points like that that help me improve. I'm trying to not add too many new characters, but they will all be brought together and if I do a second book, they are already intoduced. There is a lot of possibilities of interplay between Sadie, Trolious and Larue and lets not forget Ticum's Arena and we haven't even seen the Warrior Games. LOL We will be topside soon and back to Hunter and Asmel as this book has to come to an end at some point. But that doesn't mean the story stops ... just the first book. LOL Thank you for your encouragment and being supportive(behind me, so to speak):) ellen xxx
Comment from InterestingRon
Hi ellen
Sorry I've neglected your novel recently. My new laptop (an HP core i7, 17 inch) should end that problem.
I approve the way your story evolves. My sf is a little stuck in the Golden Age of the 50's and 60's. Yours has that modern touch of mixing normal everyday things with wayout exotic. The way to go without a doubt.
Will get back to you on other matters.
Ron xox
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2012
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Hi ellen
Sorry I've neglected your novel recently. My new laptop (an HP core i7, 17 inch) should end that problem.
I approve the way your story evolves. My sf is a little stuck in the Golden Age of the 50's and 60's. Yours has that modern touch of mixing normal everyday things with wayout exotic. The way to go without a doubt.
Will get back to you on other matters.
Ron xox
Comment Written 22-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2012
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Thank you, Ron for your review. I'm glad that you like the mix of things. I'm glad you new laptop is working out. It sounds lovely. :) ellen xxx
Comment from Gungalo
Well this one didn't lose me and I seem to sense a very strained happening coming up. Will they like what they see and will poor Trell be able to withstand what is about to be said? We shall see.
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2012
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Well this one didn't lose me and I seem to sense a very strained happening coming up. Will they like what they see and will poor Trell be able to withstand what is about to be said? We shall see.
Comment Written 22-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2012
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Thank you, G for your review. I'm glad you didn't get lost. Yes, we shall see. LOL :) BD
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LOL yeah we shall BD.
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I'll be glad to get back to Trell again!
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Well, you are the author. LOL.
Comment from Sarah_Goldwell
This is a very well written piece of work. I could find no obvious spelling or grammar mistakes. I found the writing style a little heavy going at times, but then I am not a lover of fantasy. You have very good use of imagery and description and your words paint a vivid picture.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2012
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This is a very well written piece of work. I could find no obvious spelling or grammar mistakes. I found the writing style a little heavy going at times, but then I am not a lover of fantasy. You have very good use of imagery and description and your words paint a vivid picture.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2012
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When you say writing style was a little heavy going could you tell me what that means? It will help me be a better writer and since I just started six months ago, I need all the help that I can find. Thank you for your review and I hope you will expound on your statement. I look forward to hearing from you. :) ellen
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When I say heavy going, I don't mean it as a criticism, I find all fantasy and sci fi, heavy going. Because I'm not a lover of it, I find the scenes hard to visualise ie,
[The cohesive mass raises its many arms, and with eyes closed, it drones a deep pitched, single note while pitifully deformed three fingered hands sweep back and forth beneath the metal sky of broken-glass stars.]
It is in no way a reflection on your writing, it's me who lacks imagination :-)
I'm sure anyone who favours that genre would find that scene well described and exciting.
Hope this answers your question
Sarah x
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Thank you Sarah. It is up to me to make it clear to the reader. I'll try harder. This is very helpful. I don't want to be so distant that the scenes are not clear. I'll now be able to ask others what they think. (not referencing you in any way.) My son says that sometimes I saythings that I think people should understand and that it just goes over their heads. That is my responsibility as a speaker or writer to improve and become a better communicator.
Thank you bunches and bunches, Sarah. :) ellen
Comment from bonnick
I have to be in the mood for this kind of story, but I must admit the piece caught my attention from the background info.
Enjoyed reading this, got a bit confused though but only because I haven't read it from beginning !
Thank you :-)
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2012
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I have to be in the mood for this kind of story, but I must admit the piece caught my attention from the background info.
Enjoyed reading this, got a bit confused though but only because I haven't read it from beginning !
Thank you :-)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2012
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Why did you give it a four? I do not see any suggested improvements. It seems that your reason for the four was because you yourself were not in the 'mood for this kind of story'. You enjoyed it but were confused because you didn't read the book from the beginning. All of which this post cannot help. Please, reconsider your stars as they are not based, according to what you said, on the chapter. They are based on what you were in the mood to read and that you didn't know the book. I cannot improve my chapter if I don't know what you feel needs correction. That is what reviews are supposed to be about. Did you just want the dollar with out thinking about what a critique means? It has nothing to do with your mood or knowledge of the book. I can't affect either. I'm really frustrated and want to know how to make this chapter better. Thank you for reading and I hope you will reconsider your reasons for your four stars. If you have other's I'd like to know them.