The Red Dress
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "The red dress, chapter one"The story of a teenage girl
16 total reviews
Comment from debskatz
I found a couple you missed:
"she wished (that) she wasn't at boarding"
"so Lisa knew (that) turning to any"
"(she) made her way silently"
Hey, not bad!! It is hard to get them all, especially the first time.
Good job!
smiles,
deb
Hi alexisleech,
Well, definitely an affecting story so far. That poor girl. I certainly hope her brother can help her out.
You're in the habit (as I had been) of using "that" too much. It detracts from the writing.
"Lisa knew from past experience (that) the best way"
"discontented bitterness (that) she felt growing greater"
"Lisa suspected (that) her father"
"realising the abuse (that) she had to tolerate"
"he assumed (that) she was exaggerating"
"...and prayed (that) her mother"
"duvet(-)covered"
"secure in the knowledge (that) she had inflicted"
"she knew for sure (that) her mother had"
"She knew from past experience(,) (that) once her mother was asleep(,) she would be safe,"
"thinking (that) her generosity"
"she knew (that) she had to get help"
"but she knew (that) it was useless;"
"It seemed (that) the more Lisa's mother"
"endure the misery (that) an alcoholic inflicts"
"It was at times like these (that) she wished (that) she wasn't at boarding school"
"one of the reasons (that) she had"
"so Lisa knew (that) turning to any"
"She decided (that) her brother"
"Terrified (that) the noise"
"thinking (that) they might call"
"towards the adult world(,) and parents"
"At that moment in time(,) she cursed"
"their trunks (now) legless bodies"
"naively believing (that) nothing she might encounter"
"After a few moments(,) they were within inches of her back(,) and"
(')(")Have you got the time, Hen?(')(") There are several others where you only have a '(forgot the name of it) instead of quotation marks ("), but I'm not going to list them here as you can find those & fix them.
"in the hope (that) he would"
"She knew (that) she was"
"she felt (that) she must deserve..."
Whew! As you can see, it's a pretty bad habit of using "that." As I stated earlier, I once had it myself, till it was pointed out to me over & over. Like all habits, it takes a while to get over it. You need to proofread just for "that!" lol
When you revise, give me a shout back & I'll be happy to review again.
smiles,
deb
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2012
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I found a couple you missed:
"she wished (that) she wasn't at boarding"
"so Lisa knew (that) turning to any"
"(she) made her way silently"
Hey, not bad!! It is hard to get them all, especially the first time.
Good job!
smiles,
deb
Hi alexisleech,
Well, definitely an affecting story so far. That poor girl. I certainly hope her brother can help her out.
You're in the habit (as I had been) of using "that" too much. It detracts from the writing.
"Lisa knew from past experience (that) the best way"
"discontented bitterness (that) she felt growing greater"
"Lisa suspected (that) her father"
"realising the abuse (that) she had to tolerate"
"he assumed (that) she was exaggerating"
"...and prayed (that) her mother"
"duvet(-)covered"
"secure in the knowledge (that) she had inflicted"
"she knew for sure (that) her mother had"
"She knew from past experience(,) (that) once her mother was asleep(,) she would be safe,"
"thinking (that) her generosity"
"she knew (that) she had to get help"
"but she knew (that) it was useless;"
"It seemed (that) the more Lisa's mother"
"endure the misery (that) an alcoholic inflicts"
"It was at times like these (that) she wished (that) she wasn't at boarding school"
"one of the reasons (that) she had"
"so Lisa knew (that) turning to any"
"She decided (that) her brother"
"Terrified (that) the noise"
"thinking (that) they might call"
"towards the adult world(,) and parents"
"At that moment in time(,) she cursed"
"their trunks (now) legless bodies"
"naively believing (that) nothing she might encounter"
"After a few moments(,) they were within inches of her back(,) and"
(')(")Have you got the time, Hen?(')(") There are several others where you only have a '(forgot the name of it) instead of quotation marks ("), but I'm not going to list them here as you can find those & fix them.
"in the hope (that) he would"
"She knew (that) she was"
"she felt (that) she must deserve..."
Whew! As you can see, it's a pretty bad habit of using "that." As I stated earlier, I once had it myself, till it was pointed out to me over & over. Like all habits, it takes a while to get over it. You need to proofread just for "that!" lol
When you revise, give me a shout back & I'll be happy to review again.
smiles,
deb
Comment Written 12-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2012
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Thank you so much for taking the time to go through this so thoroughly. I'm cringing now! Can't believe how many 'thats' there were, and how much better the chapter looks without them. I shall be on 'that' patrol from now on. It is constructive and helpful advice like this (that!) I was hoping for. Thank you again, not only for the review, but the offer to return. 'That' would be greatly appreciated. Alexis x
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Think I've got all the little critters now! My thanks again. It's funny, when editing Chapter 2 before posting but had to put a couple back in because it made no sense to me without them! 'That's ' the problem with that! Many thanks for the re review...greatly appreciated. Alexis xg
Comment from WilliamDeen
Good read, characters, and emotion. "Lisa's dark auburn hair hair and" remove one 'hair'.
One thing to mention from the very beginning. This is your first paragraph, "Lisa sat on her bed and listened to the sound of her parents arguing downstairs. Their voices became louder and louder until she covered her ears with her hands, desperate to block out the noise of her mother's vitriolic onslaught on her father. She had heard them so many times before, and she knew what would happen next. He would walk out and leave her alone in the house with her mother."
This is the first thing the reader will see. They will decide very quickly if it is something they want to read or put down. GRAB them right off the bat. I would begin with dialogue of the heated conversation. You told the reader what happened. Show them what happened.
"You're worthless and I'll never understand why I married you!"
"And you're drunk as usual!"
Lisa rocked on the edge of her bed and cupped her hands over her ears to drown out the all-to-common bickering and fighting. The cracking and breaking of glass and ceramics resounded from downstairs.
This is just a quick suggestion. The purpose is to let your reader at the very beginning hear, see, taste, feel, and smell everything Lisa is experiencing. Put the reader in her skin.
Just a personal note here. I try to use contractions in narrative (and dialogue if current time period) like this, "She'd heard them so many times before, and she knew what would happen next. " Again here, "commanded wherever she'd gone before, were now few and far between"
In this sentence again, "She had heard them so many times before, and she knew what would happen next. He would walk out and leave her alone in the house with her mother." You can economize words (a necessary evil, use the least amount of words to tell the story!) and use contractions. Like this, again just a suggestion. "She'd heard them so many times before and knew what would happen next. He'd walk out and leave her alone in the house with her mother."
Hope this helps and be sure to take everything you get on this sight as the gospel. Then, make sure it is your voice. We all do it different and these are just some examples of how I would do it. Take what you can use and what you like and make it yours. Throw the rest away!
Keep Reading & Writing.
billy
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2012
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Good read, characters, and emotion. "Lisa's dark auburn hair hair and" remove one 'hair'.
One thing to mention from the very beginning. This is your first paragraph, "Lisa sat on her bed and listened to the sound of her parents arguing downstairs. Their voices became louder and louder until she covered her ears with her hands, desperate to block out the noise of her mother's vitriolic onslaught on her father. She had heard them so many times before, and she knew what would happen next. He would walk out and leave her alone in the house with her mother."
This is the first thing the reader will see. They will decide very quickly if it is something they want to read or put down. GRAB them right off the bat. I would begin with dialogue of the heated conversation. You told the reader what happened. Show them what happened.
"You're worthless and I'll never understand why I married you!"
"And you're drunk as usual!"
Lisa rocked on the edge of her bed and cupped her hands over her ears to drown out the all-to-common bickering and fighting. The cracking and breaking of glass and ceramics resounded from downstairs.
This is just a quick suggestion. The purpose is to let your reader at the very beginning hear, see, taste, feel, and smell everything Lisa is experiencing. Put the reader in her skin.
Just a personal note here. I try to use contractions in narrative (and dialogue if current time period) like this, "She'd heard them so many times before, and she knew what would happen next. " Again here, "commanded wherever she'd gone before, were now few and far between"
In this sentence again, "She had heard them so many times before, and she knew what would happen next. He would walk out and leave her alone in the house with her mother." You can economize words (a necessary evil, use the least amount of words to tell the story!) and use contractions. Like this, again just a suggestion. "She'd heard them so many times before and knew what would happen next. He'd walk out and leave her alone in the house with her mother."
Hope this helps and be sure to take everything you get on this sight as the gospel. Then, make sure it is your voice. We all do it different and these are just some examples of how I would do it. Take what you can use and what you like and make it yours. Throw the rest away!
Keep Reading & Writing.
billy
Comment Written 12-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2012
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Excellent, and exactly the honesty and constructive criticism I hoped for. Tomorrow I shall rework all (it's 11.25 here!) My sincere thanks for your input, it is gratefully received. Alexis x
Comment from Maureen's Pen
This was a powerful start to a story that seems to scream of violence no matter from where it came.
Starting to get a feel for the characters already and a good sense for the scene and the beginnings of a story line
Captured the reader well. The pace was good and your flow went smoothly as well. Didn't notice any obvious spag. Some of the emotions within this story as Lisa breaks for what see thought of as her freedom are volatile. That captures the need to read more of the story. Good cliff hanger at the end to lead into the next chapter.
Excellent work Alexis, full bodied work, like a fine wine.
Thanks for sharing.
Maureen
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2012
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This was a powerful start to a story that seems to scream of violence no matter from where it came.
Starting to get a feel for the characters already and a good sense for the scene and the beginnings of a story line
Captured the reader well. The pace was good and your flow went smoothly as well. Didn't notice any obvious spag. Some of the emotions within this story as Lisa breaks for what see thought of as her freedom are volatile. That captures the need to read more of the story. Good cliff hanger at the end to lead into the next chapter.
Excellent work Alexis, full bodied work, like a fine wine.
Thanks for sharing.
Maureen
Comment Written 12-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2012
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Sorry to take so long to get back to you. I now understand what you're up against, but I must admit that every new review gives me such pleasure (well almost every new review....) x
Comment from afcata22
This is so depressing. Well-written with all the description, flow and suspense. Somewhere in me, I wish that Lisa suddenly developed super powers or something like that, but I guess it'll just be the obvious. I can't wait for the second chapter. Keep writing! Nice work!
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2012
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This is so depressing. Well-written with all the description, flow and suspense. Somewhere in me, I wish that Lisa suddenly developed super powers or something like that, but I guess it'll just be the obvious. I can't wait for the second chapter. Keep writing! Nice work!
Comment Written 12-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2012
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Ah, the powers of fiction, just wait! I'm so glad that you (enjoyed?) it. Sorry, I didn't mean to depress you, but things can only get better. Thank you so much for your review on the first chapter of this, my second completed book. Baby blues about to set in! Alexis x
Comment from MumEsGirl
Amazing, powerful story. Your style is so fluid that it is a pure pleasure to read.
You have woven a great story here, with the strong underlying message of the devastation alcoholics bring to a wide circle of people. The consequences appear endless
kate
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2012
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Amazing, powerful story. Your style is so fluid that it is a pure pleasure to read.
You have woven a great story here, with the strong underlying message of the devastation alcoholics bring to a wide circle of people. The consequences appear endless
kate
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 12-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2012
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You have hit on the most important point here...such a devastating power that ruins the lives of so many. Thank you so much for your lovely review. Alexis x
Comment from FlamingSpade
Made me look up vitriolic. Thank you. Wonderful word here. "Drunk" drank? X2. A lot of run on sentences making it harder to read. I loved the story. I'm hooked. I'm mortified and glad to be.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2012
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Made me look up vitriolic. Thank you. Wonderful word here. "Drunk" drank? X2. A lot of run on sentences making it harder to read. I loved the story. I'm hooked. I'm mortified and glad to be.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 12-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2012
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What a lovely, honest review, my kind of girl! I will check out the drink, drank thing in the morning, when I haven't! Thank you Alexis x