Gima The Beginning
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "Gima: Columns, Passion and Death"fantasy adventure
16 total reviews
Comment from purrfect tale
Oh, gross. Those columns are the largest dildos I have ever heard of. Ok, so they aren't dildos, but they are the male equivalent. Can this guy get away with killing Dyrel?
Column (number sixteen) - Always write numbers out in books and short stories, except for dates.
simultaneously() reaching to turn the pillar's
automatically() sensing his every need.
increase in Vertant and bi-sexual births(,)
against # 11's() now() passive coolness.
Livid(,) she() instinctively() bites that part
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2012
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Oh, gross. Those columns are the largest dildos I have ever heard of. Ok, so they aren't dildos, but they are the male equivalent. Can this guy get away with killing Dyrel?
Column (number sixteen) - Always write numbers out in books and short stories, except for dates.
simultaneously() reaching to turn the pillar's
automatically() sensing his every need.
increase in Vertant and bi-sexual births(,)
against # 11's() now() passive coolness.
Livid(,) she() instinctively() bites that part
Comment Written 15-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2012
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You're saying that I have all those extra spaces. It was fine on my computer. Evil Eddie must have had his hand in it. LOL Or does that mean to omit something? I'll take a look and fix what ever.
Yes, he can kill her. This is Bellow City. Vermel have different rules. They are in Sadie's who is very connected and he is the Assistant to Ministerial Affairs(I tried to highlight that by mentioning it twice). As in all cities those on the top of the ladder watch each other's backs so to speak. Also, death to the Vermel is just a way to control population and females are on the lower rung of importance. Dyrel should have waited for a male to approach her, not intervene when Sadie's column taking viable sperm. Dyrel cutting into Sadie's profits. LOL
Why write all the numbers out? It looks terrible and slows down the read. Is it a rule in editing? If so I'll change it but I think it makes more sense like in StarWars he was R2D2 not RtwoDtwo. Are there exceptions to that rule?
This is a fantastic review. I'm learning more and more, thanks to you.:) ellen
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The () was to show where I deleted commas. The number rule is written in stone, I'm afraid. R2D2 was an exception because his name was really a scientific notation. Those are exceptions. Some publishers will let you use numbers for values over 100, but most don't even like that. Oh, yeah, phone numbers are exempt from this rule. Have fun with all those column changes! LOL
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No problemo. I'll just do in in Word with the replace option. I just think it looks like crap. LOL
Can't the columns be a scientific exception or like an address. They are living entities. Remember Column number eleven (C11) did fight with Dyrel. See above how terrible the written number looks. I don't want to name the column's Suzie and Blanche. LOL
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Add a letter to all the designations like C11, I think, though not absolutely sure, you can then get away with it.
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Thanks to R2D2, we shall find a way. LOL Thank you so much, pt.
Comment from adewpearl
I like that you catch people up on the story - when I follow several serialized novels at a time and sometimes days go by between chapters, I need a little help :-)
Strong verb choices in your description of Mr.Larue really add to his character development
Excellent description of Sadie as well
You truly are a master of creating mood as well as visuals
What a fantastic description of his arousal and his response to it
You make all of this sound totally realistic and believable as you discuss things like sale of ejaculate on the black market
Your turn, ole buddy - add comma for direct address
turn to enter Port 11B, which immediately hums - add comma
Congratulations you have a family - add a comma or even a period after congratulations
It offers a tube of calming-green, which he refuses - add comma
Another excellent chapter :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2012
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I like that you catch people up on the story - when I follow several serialized novels at a time and sometimes days go by between chapters, I need a little help :-)
Strong verb choices in your description of Mr.Larue really add to his character development
Excellent description of Sadie as well
You truly are a master of creating mood as well as visuals
What a fantastic description of his arousal and his response to it
You make all of this sound totally realistic and believable as you discuss things like sale of ejaculate on the black market
Your turn, ole buddy - add comma for direct address
turn to enter Port 11B, which immediately hums - add comma
Congratulations you have a family - add a comma or even a period after congratulations
It offers a tube of calming-green, which he refuses - add comma
Another excellent chapter :-) Brooke
Comment Written 15-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2012
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Wow, Brooke I love your thorough review. It's such a help to know what is working. Your mention of strong verbs in descriptions of Larue and that Sadie's seems real. I had one reviewer liken it to a back room at the StarWars Cafe. LOL
I still have a problem with the comma and 'which. I take it that is always a comma site? It'd be nice to kick that one to memory!
Have a wonderful week, Brooke. :) ellen xxx
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No, not always a comma- if you need the which clause to identify something you don't use a comma - that is the room which the crime took place in would not have a comma
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I can remember that. Thank you so much. This puncutation thing is not so bad, once it begins to fall into place.
Comment from Oblivion187
I must say at first I was not very interested but once your descriptive nature kicked in I couldn't stop reading. It was like science fiction auto-erotica. The whole assembly of the sexual encounters with the columns and the phallic symbolism of the dagger and the snake king in the beginning is amazing. You really honed in on an event that at first seemed very foreign but after a bit more reading seemed like a dirty soft core porn scene at the Catina from Star Wars. Awesome job and I am eager to read more based on your footnotes and cheat sheet for the species and their languages and so on and so forth. Not a huge science fiction fan but you sold me with fluid blue dreams of auto-erotica, black-market, sperm banks. Only thing was be careful with use of - when combining words and word repetition. Doesn't phase me but it is something that I sometimes unconsciously do and regret when it is being edited.
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2012
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I must say at first I was not very interested but once your descriptive nature kicked in I couldn't stop reading. It was like science fiction auto-erotica. The whole assembly of the sexual encounters with the columns and the phallic symbolism of the dagger and the snake king in the beginning is amazing. You really honed in on an event that at first seemed very foreign but after a bit more reading seemed like a dirty soft core porn scene at the Catina from Star Wars. Awesome job and I am eager to read more based on your footnotes and cheat sheet for the species and their languages and so on and so forth. Not a huge science fiction fan but you sold me with fluid blue dreams of auto-erotica, black-market, sperm banks. Only thing was be careful with use of - when combining words and word repetition. Doesn't phase me but it is something that I sometimes unconsciously do and regret when it is being edited.
Comment Written 15-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2012
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Thank you, Oblivion187 for your awesome review. Yes, the [-] use is a bit of a problem. If you can remember any of the words being repeated beside her and she, him and their names, I'd love to know. How do I avoid that problem? Any suggestions are appreciated. I just started writing in April and four months of that was doing only poetry. Prose is new and this is the first try at sci-fi horror fantasy erotica soft core what ever chapter. The entire book is not like this chapter as far as porn goes. This is just a look at the Under Earth in order to better understand Trell's background. I'd like to write a whole book on Bellow City. That's why I'm introducing a number of characters that would play in the book following 'Gima.'
Comment from Tedisking
What I'd do for that job lol. I usually don't follow people, but in all honesty I think you may have just made a fan. I want to read the next one now.
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2012
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What I'd do for that job lol. I usually don't follow people, but in all honesty I think you may have just made a fan. I want to read the next one now.
Comment Written 15-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2012
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Thank you so much for your fantastic review and wanting to follow this forward. Many are put off by these strange Vermel. The next chapter is ready to post. I actually cut one chapter in half. Two days or so and then, I'll post again. I'm thrilled that you want to fan me, too. Thank you so much:) barking dog
Comment from Hareem.S
A nice and interesting story. Your notes are very helpful. It is penned down in a vivid manner. Kept me engaged till the end. It was a plesure to read it.
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reply by the author on 15-Jan-2012
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A nice and interesting story. Your notes are very helpful. It is penned down in a vivid manner. Kept me engaged till the end. It was a plesure to read it.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 15-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2012
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Thank you, Hareem for you kind review in Chapter 11. I had a bad first review and was feeling that I should remove the post all together. I'm glad you though it vivid and like my notes which are becoming extensive. As the chapters grow so do the notes. Do you think I should make them a separate chapter? I've just begun to write in April 2011, any suggestions you have are always appreciated. Have a wonderful week. :) barking dog
Comment from Queexpressions
I suppose I should have read the vocabulary info. before reading the chapter, however what an imagination you have this is something I could read more of. Thank for the advance warnings of explicit sexual content. The story drew me in. You are really descriptive with each action, that brings the story to life.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2012
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I suppose I should have read the vocabulary info. before reading the chapter, however what an imagination you have this is something I could read more of. Thank for the advance warnings of explicit sexual content. The story drew me in. You are really descriptive with each action, that brings the story to life.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 15-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2012
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Please tell me what to correct since you gave me a four. It seems you liked it and said you could read more of it. So why is it only a four. Please help me improve it by giving me some suggestions. Thank you.:)barking dog If it is just the vocabulary, and I'm well into the book, that is hardly a reason to down grade the post.