Welcome to the Three-Ring-Circus
A high school girl challenges her low self-esteem27 total reviews
Comment from Cheryl Daphine
This is excellent,if I had a 6 I would give you one. Good teaching material in it for grown-ups and youth. Very well written and expressed.
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2011
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This is excellent,if I had a 6 I would give you one. Good teaching material in it for grown-ups and youth. Very well written and expressed.
Comment Written 26-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2011
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Thank you for your review and rating.
Comment from adewpearl
I like the metaphor of the three ring circus with the depressed narrator in ring number three.
Maryanne went home and went directly to her room and sat on her bed. - add the period to avoid a comma splice/run-on.
Hello, Susan, - add the first comma for direct address
It's good to hear from you, Maryanne - add comma for direct address
It's good to hear from you, Maryanne. I have been meaning - I added the period to avoid a comma splice/run-on.
Thank you, Maryanne - add comma
Hello, Tom - add comma
Good morning to you, miss -a dd comma
Good morning, Doctor Sloan - add comma
You convey your message thoughtfully
Some of the dialogue/speech seemed a tad stilted/formal.
Brooke
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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I like the metaphor of the three ring circus with the depressed narrator in ring number three.
Maryanne went home and went directly to her room and sat on her bed. - add the period to avoid a comma splice/run-on.
Hello, Susan, - add the first comma for direct address
It's good to hear from you, Maryanne - add comma for direct address
It's good to hear from you, Maryanne. I have been meaning - I added the period to avoid a comma splice/run-on.
Thank you, Maryanne - add comma
Hello, Tom - add comma
Good morning to you, miss -a dd comma
Good morning, Doctor Sloan - add comma
You convey your message thoughtfully
Some of the dialogue/speech seemed a tad stilted/formal.
Brooke
Comment Written 24-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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Thank you your review and rating.
My form needs to keep up with my substance.
An eagle-eye-poet-writer-editor-always helps me with my stories.
Next step, revisions; self talk; "I would have found those; right."
Comment from gazzagodbod
aww what a wonderful story my friend that final hug for the girl that made her feel human and somebody what a lovely way with words you have thanks gazza
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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aww what a wonderful story my friend that final hug for the girl that made her feel human and somebody what a lovely way with words you have thanks gazza
Comment Written 24-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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Thank you for review and rating.
I often notice--especially at airports--how people walk towards other people--even people they don't know--with the anticipation of recognition--and their arms open--then quickly looking at the tops of their shoes when that person passes by; feeling foolish for thinking it was their day to be affirmed.
We have to do more affirming--hugging--ok not Roy, but at least eye contact and a smile.
Thank you
Comment from e.m.robinson
I enjoyed your story and you did a very good job characterizing the people around school and in Maryanne's day. As a teacher, I could really relate to the plot. Your story is well-written and natural- especially the responses from the characters who weren't quite sure what to make of her greetings.
Just a couple tiny things I spotted: "What is your name?" Great, thought Maryanne, come out of your shell and you go to detention?" - check use of quotation marks.
"Who are you" asked Gerald -- need question mark
VERY minor, I know.. just passing it on.
Thanks for your story!
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2011
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I enjoyed your story and you did a very good job characterizing the people around school and in Maryanne's day. As a teacher, I could really relate to the plot. Your story is well-written and natural- especially the responses from the characters who weren't quite sure what to make of her greetings.
Just a couple tiny things I spotted: "What is your name?" Great, thought Maryanne, come out of your shell and you go to detention?" - check use of quotation marks.
"Who are you" asked Gerald -- need question mark
VERY minor, I know.. just passing it on.
Thanks for your story!
Comment Written 22-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2011
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Thank you for your review and rating.
Missing a candle on a birthday cake diminishes the birthday.
Missing punctuation in a story weakens it.
Thank you for the sharp eye, and rules-knowledge.
I'm really trying to move out of novice, but it's difficult.
Comment from Denise S
A wonderful story with a very good message. There are good people in the world , they help us to feel better when we are down. And that is so important at times. I liked how the girl thanked Ms. Johnson. Our world is so developed now we don't hear a lot of that any more.
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2011
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A wonderful story with a very good message. There are good people in the world , they help us to feel better when we are down. And that is so important at times. I liked how the girl thanked Ms. Johnson. Our world is so developed now we don't hear a lot of that any more.
Comment Written 19-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2011
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Thank you for your review and rating.
We all need to go back to: "Please and thank you."
Comment from rchitwood
Very good story and I enjoyed reading it.Your story has good dialogue and characters.Very creative and it is believable.Blessings Rita
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2011
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Very good story and I enjoyed reading it.Your story has good dialogue and characters.Very creative and it is believable.Blessings Rita
Comment Written 15-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2011
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Thank you for your review and rating. We are all in there somehow.
Comment from barfy
Well... Philanthropy... Liked it... Technically fine and vivid too... You're obviously a good writer. Is there more of this to come...? Reminded me of myself... Bet you're like that too... Right? Cheers
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2011
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Well... Philanthropy... Liked it... Technically fine and vivid too... You're obviously a good writer. Is there more of this to come...? Reminded me of myself... Bet you're like that too... Right? Cheers
Comment Written 10-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2011
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Thank you for your review and rating.
I have tried hard to smile at others, even those drivers behind me on a US highway that has three lanes going south and three lanes going north--with me in the middle lane, going the maximum allowed speed limit, believing that the more important people, with lives, would go around me on the right or left--when they honk and give me the bird-finger.
Since I am alone in my car, and I don't say anything out loud, or make eye contact--to avoid road rage injury, I allow myself a coupe of minutes of Tourette's Syndrome to classify and catalogue my fellow travelers. Otherwise everything is going great.
Yes, I have several novice, and a few amateur poems and stories on FanStory.
Thank you.
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Thank you for your review and rating.
I have tried hard to smile at others, even those drivers behind me on a US highway that has three lanes going south and three lanes going north--with me in the middle lane, going the maximum allowed speed limit, believing that the more important people, with lives, would go around me on the right or left--when they honk and give me the bird-finger.
Since I am alone in my car, and I don't say anything out loud, or make eye contact--to avoid road rage injury, I allow myself a couple of minutes of Tourette's Syndrome to classify and catalogue my fellow travelers. Otherwise everything is going great.
Yes, I have several novice, and a few amateur poems and stories on FanStory.
Thank you.
I have suggested that FanStory includes spell check for replies.
Mis-spelling words in a thank you reply is not good.
Comment from robina1978
A really good story you told here.
Held my attention all the way.
You made your point come over quite strong about this age full of insecurity and how to solve it.
Few tips to improve:
Think the first bit seems a too mature way of thinking for a girl of her age-maybe you could solve that by making some other person telling this about her.
The second bit did not have this problem.
In general I think you should check your punctuation and some times the spaces between line or words.
Did not want to grade it lower so much I enjoyed it.
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2011
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A really good story you told here.
Held my attention all the way.
You made your point come over quite strong about this age full of insecurity and how to solve it.
Few tips to improve:
Think the first bit seems a too mature way of thinking for a girl of her age-maybe you could solve that by making some other person telling this about her.
The second bit did not have this problem.
In general I think you should check your punctuation and some times the spaces between line or words.
Did not want to grade it lower so much I enjoyed it.
Comment Written 08-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2011
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Thank for your review and rating.
I don't write for the rating, but just for fun, and your review proves I have just begun, and I am still trying to write the perfect one.
Reviews that help a write improves stories are what I seek, but sometimes it takes me a few minutes to get up after I receive a basket of constructive criticism. Back at yah!
Thanks.
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me too.
Hope I did not make you feel bad-did not intend to.
Comment from JBCaine
EL-
6-stars for the thoughts, five4 for the presentation.
I just couldn't pull the 6-star handle on it, but it was close.
If you were to reply back and tell me you actually were a junior high student, I'd probably change my rating.
See, the principles you've posted are great, and applied, truly are just that simple. You've got me there.
I guess there is just something about the presentation that seems/sounds too simplistic.
Love the concept. Love the story. Just can't put my finger on what my issue is here, but I'm leaning toward your use of dialog. It's not incorrect, but it's like you leading us by the hand with it. Just an example... if you dropped the words "said _____(whoever just said something)" from most of your dialog it would be an improvement. Try it, then read it back to yourself out loud. Only use those attributions when the dialog is unclear as to who said what.
Just my thoughts. Really enjoyed the story.
Apologies for the rambling.
JBCaine
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2011
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EL-
6-stars for the thoughts, five4 for the presentation.
I just couldn't pull the 6-star handle on it, but it was close.
If you were to reply back and tell me you actually were a junior high student, I'd probably change my rating.
See, the principles you've posted are great, and applied, truly are just that simple. You've got me there.
I guess there is just something about the presentation that seems/sounds too simplistic.
Love the concept. Love the story. Just can't put my finger on what my issue is here, but I'm leaning toward your use of dialog. It's not incorrect, but it's like you leading us by the hand with it. Just an example... if you dropped the words "said _____(whoever just said something)" from most of your dialog it would be an improvement. Try it, then read it back to yourself out loud. Only use those attributions when the dialog is unclear as to who said what.
Just my thoughts. Really enjoyed the story.
Apologies for the rambling.
JBCaine
Comment Written 30-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2011
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Thank you for your review.
When I was in junior high school, one of the students claimed he saw a prehistoric animal, when he looked out the window.
I'am trying to write for children and adults, and I am receiving suggestions on all levels. I accept all the observations and criticisms, and will certainly use your suggestions.
I have to admit that I do not give the reader enough credit as to who is speaking. Once identified, I could probably have the characters move through conversations without all the tags.
I really love FanStory, I am getting corrections and suggestions that really do help. Thanks.
I know that I must move from "Run Spot Run," to more natural--age appropriate words and sentences, and I am trying; I guess that is why I am still on the amateur level.
Some reviewers suggest "I'm" instead of "I am," but sometimes, when I'm not talking to paw, I think it best facilitates the story to use I am.
To be safe, I will say that I could be wrong.
It is really a pleasure to receive constructive criticism, so thank you again.
I am doing a re-write and cutting down on the attribitions.
Many thanks.
P.S I contacted FanStory and suggested that they provide for spell-check on replies, cause I just can't/cannot get it right on my own.
Thanks for the gold.
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El-
If I thought it was Run, Spot, Run, I would have given you a 4, and said so.
It is really good, and all critiques are subjective. You use what is helpful, and ignore the rest, including (if not especially)mine.
I can't type without typos either, obviously. Google Chrome DOES apply spell check, even in replies. Don't know about other browsers, but as you can see, I don't always use the feature...
Best of luck to you.
JBCaine
Comment from Jen Gentry
I would be very happy to change my rating if you could work on your presentation of the dialogue it needs to be separated out from the paragraphs, I found this very difficult to read and could only get halfway through, I am not a harsh reviewer and if I give less than a five star rate I will always come back if you let me know you have revised
Blessings
Jenny
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2011
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I would be very happy to change my rating if you could work on your presentation of the dialogue it needs to be separated out from the paragraphs, I found this very difficult to read and could only get halfway through, I am not a harsh reviewer and if I give less than a five star rate I will always come back if you let me know you have revised
Blessings
Jenny
Comment Written 30-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2011
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Thank you for your review.
I am responding to all reviews in an effort to make my stories
not-difficult to read.
I accept or reject reviews as I evaluate them. Yours if valid and appreciated.
Thank you.