Steve's Story-Poems
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "Who's Smiling Now?"A collection of my poems
21 total reviews
Comment from writerwish
This is great. Yes I did your first story which was also very good. I think I like this one even better. I suppose I like the way you brought out the wife's character. Holds interest for sure.
reply by the author on 29-May-2011
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This is great. Yes I did your first story which was also very good. I think I like this one even better. I suppose I like the way you brought out the wife's character. Holds interest for sure.
Comment Written 29-May-2011
reply by the author on 29-May-2011
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Thanks
It is interesting; comments are running about 50-50 on which ending is better. This one satisfies my instinct to add humour to every situation, while the other one is more of a tear-jerker. I have to stick with the original one since the overall tone of the poem is more serious...
Comment from barkingdog
Well, this is the 'real' ending is it now?
In the first ending she is the enabler. In this she is strong and tells him off. I like her better, but would the readers who want to cry? and forgive and listen to ghosts as well? LOL
The reality of dog crap, kids driving her crazy and Fred fulfilling husbandly functions with 'more' than just his brain- all great.
Thank 'ghost'! You weren't lost after all. What a fantastic come back!
reply by the author on 29-May-2011
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Well, this is the 'real' ending is it now?
In the first ending she is the enabler. In this she is strong and tells him off. I like her better, but would the readers who want to cry? and forgive and listen to ghosts as well? LOL
The reality of dog crap, kids driving her crazy and Fred fulfilling husbandly functions with 'more' than just his brain- all great.
Thank 'ghost'! You weren't lost after all. What a fantastic come back!
Comment Written 29-May-2011
reply by the author on 29-May-2011
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Thanks, bd
It is interesting; comments are running about 50-50 on which ending is better. This one satisfies my instinct to add humour to every situation, while the other one is more of a tear-jerker. I have to stick with the original one since the overall tone of the poem is more serious...
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So, which one WAS the original that you are sticking to? The tear -jerker?
Comment from JoAnna77
Well - I was one of those that liked the earlier version - which I found quite inspirational. But I have to say that I don't hate this version - it is humorous rather than inspirational - and humor is good too. But it you were to ask me to choose which one I prefer - it would definately be the earlier version.
reply by the author on 29-May-2011
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Well - I was one of those that liked the earlier version - which I found quite inspirational. But I have to say that I don't hate this version - it is humorous rather than inspirational - and humor is good too. But it you were to ask me to choose which one I prefer - it would definately be the earlier version.
Comment Written 29-May-2011
reply by the author on 29-May-2011
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Thanks, JoAnna
It is interesting; comments are running about 50-50 on which ending is better. This one satisfies my instinct to add humour to every situation, while the other one is more of a tear-jerker. I have to stick with the original one since the overall tone of the poem is more serious...
Comment from jehanned
Oh no! You are right, I like the other better. However, this one is just as well written, with focused words and a driving plot. The rhyme moves well and the rhythm is fast. Tone is solid, and no one can be confused about the meaning behind it!
reply by the author on 29-May-2011
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Oh no! You are right, I like the other better. However, this one is just as well written, with focused words and a driving plot. The rhyme moves well and the rhythm is fast. Tone is solid, and no one can be confused about the meaning behind it!
Comment Written 29-May-2011
reply by the author on 29-May-2011
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Thank you.
It is interesting; comments are running about 50-50 on which ending is better. This one satisfies my instinct to add humour to every situation, while the other one is more of a tear-jerker. I have to stick with the original one since the overall tone of the poem is more serious...
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I'm sure it is all based in reader sentiment. If I believed there was hope, I would take my husband back. But he and I have been through much, and we have learned to catch each other's backs and work through mistakes and issues. I think you did well to do BOTH! And they worked equally, like there was a not a differing ending!
Comment from KiwiGal
Ohhhh, my sides hurt!!!!! Abso-BRILL. I think you need to publish two versions - one ANZAC one and one for the rest of the world. The Americans love sanitized endings on the whole; the French would say: "Wot eez zee probLEM? Jus' fine anozzere lovere wezout ze 'azzle an' si yor keeds at ze wikenn.. an' jus poot ze dog out ze door; ee weel fine a laydee fren' for heemself zomware...'
You say your wife laughed; maybe you should take that as your own warning, heheheh.
reply by the author on 29-May-2011
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Ohhhh, my sides hurt!!!!! Abso-BRILL. I think you need to publish two versions - one ANZAC one and one for the rest of the world. The Americans love sanitized endings on the whole; the French would say: "Wot eez zee probLEM? Jus' fine anozzere lovere wezout ze 'azzle an' si yor keeds at ze wikenn.. an' jus poot ze dog out ze door; ee weel fine a laydee fren' for heemself zomware...'
You say your wife laughed; maybe you should take that as your own warning, heheheh.
Comment Written 29-May-2011
reply by the author on 29-May-2011
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Thanks, Heidi
It is interesting; comments are running about 50-50 on which ending is better. This one satisfies my instinct to add humour to every situation, while the other one is more of a tear-jerker. I have to stick with the original one since the overall tone of the poem is more serious...
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Serious? How can it be serious when he's been talking to a ghost??
Nah, really, I know what you mean; I feel, it being an Aussie ballad, that this version would be more the truth, but there are lots of people out there who can't handle the truth.... hehehehehehehe.
It doesn't matter which one you go with - we've got two endings for the price of one; I'm happy with that.
Comment from the blue pixel
I like them both Steve but I think I like the "Australiana" feel and language in this one not so much better, but I just like how it reads and as you say, it is more plausable. I guess this wiped the smile right off Smiler Jack's ghostly face. xx Pix
reply by the author on 29-May-2011
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I like them both Steve but I think I like the "Australiana" feel and language in this one not so much better, but I just like how it reads and as you say, it is more plausable. I guess this wiped the smile right off Smiler Jack's ghostly face. xx Pix
Comment Written 29-May-2011
reply by the author on 29-May-2011
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Thanks, Pix
It is interesting; comments are running about 50-50 on which ending is better. This one satisfies my instinct to add humour to every situation, while the other one is more of a tear-jerker. I have to stick with the original one since the overall tone of the poem is more serious...
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I understand your inclinatin to humour, of course. We are similar in this regard and I even get comments that someone was actually waiting for a humourous twist at the end of a poem I have kept serious and to be honest, it quite annoys me. I can't be funny all the time. I go with my gut. I gave up changing things because of what people said unless I have made a mistake in form, typo or legitimately like their suggestion better than what
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..........(sorry, sent in error)...Just go with your gut Steve. We'd all be changing back and forth all the time if we tried to satisfy everyone else. For "I'm Watching" - one minute I get a six and a comment that the Rondeau was lacklustre, followed by a six from Judian James, whom I admire a great deal. I can tell you are proud of all you write as you should be an this piece is causing you some indecision. Your instinct should decide you, at least, that is my best advice to you. Good luck. xx Pix
Comment from moyramouse
I must be in a minority of one, but I like this darker ending:) I can see the wife giving him what for on the end of the telephone. Love the dog filling the yard with crap and good old Fred, filling in for his best mate:):):) Version 2 has my vote. xxxmouse
reply by the author on 29-May-2011
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I must be in a minority of one, but I like this darker ending:) I can see the wife giving him what for on the end of the telephone. Love the dog filling the yard with crap and good old Fred, filling in for his best mate:):):) Version 2 has my vote. xxxmouse
Comment Written 29-May-2011
reply by the author on 29-May-2011
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Thanks, mouse
It is interesting; comments are running about 50-50 on which ending is better. This one satisfies my instinct to add humour to every situation, while the other one is more of a tear-jerker. I have to stick with the original one since the overall tone of the poem is more serious...
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I think the tear jerker will win every time on this site. I just love your zany humour and to me it is more believable that the wife would not take him back. Call me a cynic:):):)
Comment from Laurie Flori
Love it - you did continue it - you can even do it again and have the wife get the surprise of her life when Smiler Jack shows up in court & her husband wins everything & she gets nothing. Such a funny story - your rhyming is fantastic.
reply by the author on 29-May-2011
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Love it - you did continue it - you can even do it again and have the wife get the surprise of her life when Smiler Jack shows up in court & her husband wins everything & she gets nothing. Such a funny story - your rhyming is fantastic.
Comment Written 29-May-2011
reply by the author on 29-May-2011
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Thank you
It is interesting; comments are running about 50-50 on which ending is better. This one satisfies my instinct to add humour to every situation, while the other one is more of a tear-jerker. I have to stick with the original one since the overall tone of the poem is more serious...
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Sadly to say, I am removing myself from this site. I received a warning from FS about my poem â??Mean & Hateful Reviewsâ?? The reason that I wrote that was about a person on this site named KiwiGal who reviewed my poem Panic Attack Prayer. She tried to get me to buy some of her Holistic remedy stuff for a total body cleanse â?? meaning drink it & you know the rest. I didnâ??t want any part of it so I tried just not replying. Then she messaged me very rude saying â??Iâ??ll take that as a no, & she said that I was a burden to my family for them having to put up with me having them & that I was happy making myself the center of attention & that I didnâ??t want to be cured from them.â?? So I couldnâ??t just call her every name I could think of or reply hatefully per FS rules, so I thought the tactful way to do it was to write a poem about respect in reviewing. They removed it & issued me a warning â?? they didnâ??t do anything to KiwiGal. I cannot be part of a site that allows this to go on. So sadly, I am saying goodbye to all of you. But I am saying good riddance to FS. If you would like to connect with me you can find me on Facebook under Laurie A. Flori or Sears Homes in Carlinville, IL â?? Standard Addition. I will miss you guys, Laurie
Comment from Inge_Meldgaard
Yes, good, but it's assuming he told his wife about Smiler Jack, which doesn't seem to have been the case! It's equally well written, but this seems to me to be a serious flaw ;P
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reply by the author on 29-May-2011
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Yes, good, but it's assuming he told his wife about Smiler Jack, which doesn't seem to have been the case! It's equally well written, but this seems to me to be a serious flaw ;P
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 29-May-2011
reply by the author on 29-May-2011
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Just a bit of fun really.
I assumed that readers would think there had been an earlier part of the phone call - maybe I should have made it explicit...
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Yes, the story is so explicit, with a strong timeline, that the assumption the wife would be told about Smiler Jack is not really suitable, particularly in terms of how the verses are written. Personally, I doubt if the man would tell the wife!
Comment from DIS-illusioned
--Well, I read the first part and version, and liked it. So, let's see how this end rendition goes.
--"but his story inspires our hero"
I know what you mean, but I wouldn't exactly call the narrator here 'a hero'. More like a prodigal family man.
--"But what if she said no..... "
But I thought she'd agreed to give him a chance already, from the first part ... Oh, yes! 'Another' ending --what 'if' she had said no ...
--"I explained howthe bloody plot"
Reads awkward. Revise.
--"Your best mate, Fred's been callin' round; he's helped me to stay sane.
He's twice the man you ever were, and I don't mean just his brain!"
Fuckin' Fred! I'd shoot his traitoring ass! :)
--"This call has been recorded; it's evidence of course.
A bloke that chats with ghosts ain't got much chance in a divorce."
Oh! Cold bitch!
--Well then, the narrator's original plan proceeds, I guess. The dark voices intensify and it's off to meet his maker --if He'll even see him.
Nice alternate end, Kiwi, though definitely not desirable.
reply by the author on 29-May-2011
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--Well, I read the first part and version, and liked it. So, let's see how this end rendition goes.
--"but his story inspires our hero"
I know what you mean, but I wouldn't exactly call the narrator here 'a hero'. More like a prodigal family man.
--"But what if she said no..... "
But I thought she'd agreed to give him a chance already, from the first part ... Oh, yes! 'Another' ending --what 'if' she had said no ...
--"I explained howthe bloody plot"
Reads awkward. Revise.
--"Your best mate, Fred's been callin' round; he's helped me to stay sane.
He's twice the man you ever were, and I don't mean just his brain!"
Fuckin' Fred! I'd shoot his traitoring ass! :)
--"This call has been recorded; it's evidence of course.
A bloke that chats with ghosts ain't got much chance in a divorce."
Oh! Cold bitch!
--Well then, the narrator's original plan proceeds, I guess. The dark voices intensify and it's off to meet his maker --if He'll even see him.
Nice alternate end, Kiwi, though definitely not desirable.
Comment Written 29-May-2011
reply by the author on 29-May-2011
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Thanks - major typo in there - don't know how I missed that.
Yes I guess if he was depressed before he's certainly not going to be cheered up by this - just my perverse brain at work.
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Remember, it is from 'God's perverse' mind that the universe came about --at least, I think so. lol! Hope you're not a fanatic Christian fundamental. :)