The Heir Apparent
Viewing comments for Chapter 26 "What Is The Next Step?"A family learns their father is a serial killer
40 total reviews
Comment from animatqua
This has been an intense journey. James reminds me somewhat of Spenser Reed on "Criminal Minds". You are making him so real that it almost hurts to read about what he is finding out.
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2011
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This has been an intense journey. James reminds me somewhat of Spenser Reed on "Criminal Minds". You are making him so real that it almost hurts to read about what he is finding out.
Comment Written 12-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2011
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I am so pleased you like James. He is patterned after a few real-live geniuses I have known and the rest is straight out of my wild imagination. I love the show Criminal Minds, but unfortunately we don't get it down here in Mexico.
Comment from lola29
I so admire your ability to allow James to feel his emotions rather than hide them. Who wouldn't feel somewhat like a small child unable to defend themselves if they were experiencing what this family is trying to work through.
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2011
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I so admire your ability to allow James to feel his emotions rather than hide them. Who wouldn't feel somewhat like a small child unable to defend themselves if they were experiencing what this family is trying to work through.
Comment Written 12-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2011
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The fun thing about James is I get to portray him as the genius he is bur altos the confused kid hiding just beneath the surface. I am pleased you enjoyed this chapter.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
a brilliant, descriptive
piece of writing, Sasha...
as always, so well presented,
making it easy to follow.
It's a wonder James doesn't have a nervous breakdown, all the weight he has on his houlders.
pretending life was good(,) was more than I could tolerate.
and again(,) speaking
Margaret
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2011
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a brilliant, descriptive
piece of writing, Sasha...
as always, so well presented,
making it easy to follow.
It's a wonder James doesn't have a nervous breakdown, all the weight he has on his houlders.
pretending life was good(,) was more than I could tolerate.
and again(,) speaking
Margaret
Comment Written 12-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2011
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Thanks once again for catching the spags. If anyone has earned a breakdown it certainly is James. Thank you so much for the awesome 6 stars, I sincerely appreciate them.
Comment from missy98writer
Sasha,
chapter twenty-six is superbly written. I've riveted by this rewrite. I hope you're doing much better, my friend. You dialogue and descriptive writing are excellent. James is right to be concerned about the brainwashing his evil father put on his mother. You do a greet job conveying James with his response: "The cold night air sent a chill up my spine. I closed my eyes, hoping the silence would help me process everything Mom had told me. But my fluctuating emotions blocked my ability to concentrate." Heavy stuff for him to process at his young age. To wish his Dad dead is correct. The next morning his Mom becomes the June Cleaver again she was programmed to be by his dastardly Father. I look forward to reading more. You doing a terrific job re-writing this, my friend.
Melissa.
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2011
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Sasha,
chapter twenty-six is superbly written. I've riveted by this rewrite. I hope you're doing much better, my friend. You dialogue and descriptive writing are excellent. James is right to be concerned about the brainwashing his evil father put on his mother. You do a greet job conveying James with his response: "The cold night air sent a chill up my spine. I closed my eyes, hoping the silence would help me process everything Mom had told me. But my fluctuating emotions blocked my ability to concentrate." Heavy stuff for him to process at his young age. To wish his Dad dead is correct. The next morning his Mom becomes the June Cleaver again she was programmed to be by his dastardly Father. I look forward to reading more. You doing a terrific job re-writing this, my friend.
Melissa.
Comment Written 12-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2011
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Thank you so very much for your awesome review. I always look forward to your comments.
Comment from Carolyn Hilliard
No complaints here. The chapter read smoothly, and after the previous one, a restful moment seems logical and befitting. Enjoyed it. Did not see any snags or typos either.
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2011
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No complaints here. The chapter read smoothly, and after the previous one, a restful moment seems logical and befitting. Enjoyed it. Did not see any snags or typos either.
Comment Written 12-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2011
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Thank you for your generous review. I am more than pleased you liked this chapter.
Comment from Halfree
OK, I see the badge and see Recognized. If someone else had written this I would agree. I find my review of this a little hard for me, but here goes. Second sentence, first paragraph "...being careful..." just let him kiss his mother as she sleeps.
"After covering her with a blanket..." Try "Covering her with..." leave out the "..then.." takes away from the tender moments.
" My brain raced.." don't think you need to say this. Maybe start with "Hundreds of...."
First paragraph, second part leave out "realizing" somewhat awkward transitions. In truth, realizing is not needed.
You have a good story going and I look forward to reading each new chapter. I think this is an emotionally charged story but this chapter needs some tweaking.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2011
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OK, I see the badge and see Recognized. If someone else had written this I would agree. I find my review of this a little hard for me, but here goes. Second sentence, first paragraph "...being careful..." just let him kiss his mother as she sleeps.
"After covering her with a blanket..." Try "Covering her with..." leave out the "..then.." takes away from the tender moments.
" My brain raced.." don't think you need to say this. Maybe start with "Hundreds of...."
First paragraph, second part leave out "realizing" somewhat awkward transitions. In truth, realizing is not needed.
You have a good story going and I look forward to reading each new chapter. I think this is an emotionally charged story but this chapter needs some tweaking.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 12-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2011
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Never apologize for an honest review. I tend to slip into cliche mode and occasionally need a slap upside the head to pay more attention. I like your suggestions and will go back over the chapter and see what I can do to smooth it out.
Comment from adewpearl
I closed my eyes, hoping - add comma
I sighed in relief, realizing my headache - add comma
Good morning, sleepy head - add comma for direct address
June Cleaver, smiled - drop that comma
You do a powerful job of showing how badly James needs to figure this all out, his Dad, his Mom, his family history and the terrible secret so long kept. You also show, in contrast, how desperately his mother needs to make that all disappear. Excellent dialogue. Brooke
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2011
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I closed my eyes, hoping - add comma
I sighed in relief, realizing my headache - add comma
Good morning, sleepy head - add comma for direct address
June Cleaver, smiled - drop that comma
You do a powerful job of showing how badly James needs to figure this all out, his Dad, his Mom, his family history and the terrible secret so long kept. You also show, in contrast, how desperately his mother needs to make that all disappear. Excellent dialogue. Brooke
Comment Written 12-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2011
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I certainly do have a problem with commas,don't I. I am so pleased you liked this one.
Comment from marcii
Again one can feel the burden James carries on his young shoulders, one can't help but feel for him.
A great chapter with some wonderful description.
Marcii
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2011
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Again one can feel the burden James carries on his young shoulders, one can't help but feel for him.
A great chapter with some wonderful description.
Marcii
Comment Written 12-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2011
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Thank you so much.
Comment from Belinda
Hi, Sasha, I don't agree with you. This is not boring, though not as exciting as the last chapter. Mom was sound asleep, I guess, not sound sleep ... :)
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2011
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Hi, Sasha, I don't agree with you. This is not boring, though not as exciting as the last chapter. Mom was sound asleep, I guess, not sound sleep ... :)
Comment Written 12-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2011
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Thanks. I am pleased you didn't find this boring.
Comment from Alaskastory
'What Is The Next Step?' is a chapter vividly portraying james. It is really good to take time to describe how he feels. You've done a fine job, Sasha.
I had a bit of trouble with the '--no needed--' phrase, but think I got it.
You are developing James really well. luv, Marie
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2011
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'What Is The Next Step?' is a chapter vividly portraying james. It is really good to take time to describe how he feels. You've done a fine job, Sasha.
I had a bit of trouble with the '--no needed--' phrase, but think I got it.
You are developing James really well. luv, Marie
Comment Written 12-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2011
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I'll check out that sentence and see what I can do to smooth it out. Glad you liked this chapter.