The Heir Apparent
Viewing comments for Chapter 20 "The Beginning of a Very Long Night"A family learns their father is a serial killer
30 total reviews
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
This is a most impressive chapter,
descriptive and fast moving...
easy to read and holding the
interest throughout.
A couple of minor things...
Mac stood up and with a grin on his face[d](,) shook his head - loosed "d" - add comma
and her newspaper(,) leaving Mac - add comma
All in all, most impressive and deserving of a six, Sasha.
Margaret
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2011
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This is a most impressive chapter,
descriptive and fast moving...
easy to read and holding the
interest throughout.
A couple of minor things...
Mac stood up and with a grin on his face[d](,) shook his head - loosed "d" - add comma
and her newspaper(,) leaving Mac - add comma
All in all, most impressive and deserving of a six, Sasha.
Margaret
Comment Written 01-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2011
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Thanks for catching the spags. I am pleased you continue to enjoy this. Things are going to star getting tense from now on. I especially thank you for the wonderful 6 stars.
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GOING to get tense. that poor family. Looking forward to reading the next chapter. M x
Comment from Halfree
This is a good solid five. The change you made to the last chapter, very good.Still debating in my mind "Then walked out the door..or "And walked out the door... Minor point. Don't rush this story, by that I mean don't be in a hurry to get from point A to point B.
The sentence Mac stood up with a grin..." perhaps, "Mac stood up brushed off the seat of his pants, paused and with a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth..."
Mac seems to like the kid and is slowly building a warm relationship. I think you are bringing this relationship along very well.
Mac's conversation with the waitress and his suggestion that should she join the police "force" Leave off police, just force. Except in formal discussions "Police Force" is not used by police officers...FORCE or The FORCE is used.
Keep pounding away, you got something going.
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2011
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This is a good solid five. The change you made to the last chapter, very good.Still debating in my mind "Then walked out the door..or "And walked out the door... Minor point. Don't rush this story, by that I mean don't be in a hurry to get from point A to point B.
The sentence Mac stood up with a grin..." perhaps, "Mac stood up brushed off the seat of his pants, paused and with a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth..."
Mac seems to like the kid and is slowly building a warm relationship. I think you are bringing this relationship along very well.
Mac's conversation with the waitress and his suggestion that should she join the police "force" Leave off police, just force. Except in formal discussions "Police Force" is not used by police officers...FORCE or The FORCE is used.
Keep pounding away, you got something going.
Comment Written 01-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2011
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Thanks for the suggestion, I like it very much. I agree, police force is used by the public, not the police. I will have a lot of editing to do when this is done, especially in areas of describing casual things, just as you pointed out.
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You do very well...my comments may be related to style..I enjoy your writings and wait the next chapter.
Comment from InterestingRon
Hi Smurphy
With all the pressure on young James I suppose it was inevitable that he would start to crack eventually. You handled the situation between him and Mac beautifully.
Only complaint - it was too short. I'm anxious to see what happens next.
Ron
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2011
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Hi Smurphy
With all the pressure on young James I suppose it was inevitable that he would start to crack eventually. You handled the situation between him and Mac beautifully.
Only complaint - it was too short. I'm anxious to see what happens next.
Ron
Comment Written 01-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2011
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I'm working on the next chapter as we speak. It is actually already written, I just need to go over it for the 200th time.
Comment from moyramouse
This chapter was like a piece of jigsaw, not the outside edge or part of the main design, but one of the sky. Essential to the overall in other words, as there is a secret needing to be revealed, but at the moment it is hazy.
I thought you described James' panic attack very well. Liked the line 'The world was my personal Petri dish and there was no room for intuition, gut instinct or bad vibes.' It told us so much about his character.
Loved the way you drew Betty - I could see her quite clearly. Another great read. x moyramouse
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2011
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This chapter was like a piece of jigsaw, not the outside edge or part of the main design, but one of the sky. Essential to the overall in other words, as there is a secret needing to be revealed, but at the moment it is hazy.
I thought you described James' panic attack very well. Liked the line 'The world was my personal Petri dish and there was no room for intuition, gut instinct or bad vibes.' It told us so much about his character.
Loved the way you drew Betty - I could see her quite clearly. Another great read. x moyramouse
Comment Written 01-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2011
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James in many ways reminds me of Spock on Star Strek...all logic and fact oriented. Now poor James is forced to experience a world that is completely foreign to him and he has never developed the skills to do this. I am pleased you continue to enjoy this and yes, there are several secrets fighting to reach the surface.
Comment from Alaskastory
'The Beginning of a Very Long Night'chapter reveals James' feelings that are getting too much for him to handle alone. Working with Mac is something that gives good depth to the story. I sure look forward to more.
typo: Mac stood up and with a grin on his face[d] shook his head.
Very enjoyable chapter, Sasha.
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2011
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'The Beginning of a Very Long Night'chapter reveals James' feelings that are getting too much for him to handle alone. Working with Mac is something that gives good depth to the story. I sure look forward to more.
typo: Mac stood up and with a grin on his face[d] shook his head.
Very enjoyable chapter, Sasha.
Comment Written 01-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2011
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I am pleased you like this chapter. Yes, Mac is a great guy and I agree that he adds to the story...at least that is my intent.
Comment from Tellis
Now you really have me itching to read more and I wonder what he remembered that gave him such a panic attack? Good work no spags.
Tellis
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2011
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Now you really have me itching to read more and I wonder what he remembered that gave him such a panic attack? Good work no spags.
Tellis
Comment Written 01-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2011
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Thanks, I am thrilled this made you want to read more.
Comment from Joan E.
I like the "cliff-hanger" you created with the addition to the previous chapter and the remarkably abundant use of alliteration of "f's" and "b's." I very much admire the "locked gate" and "no trespassing sign" metaphors. I also enjoyed your comic relief with the "ghost" and the "waitress." -Joan
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2011
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I like the "cliff-hanger" you created with the addition to the previous chapter and the remarkably abundant use of alliteration of "f's" and "b's." I very much admire the "locked gate" and "no trespassing sign" metaphors. I also enjoyed your comic relief with the "ghost" and the "waitress." -Joan
Comment Written 01-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2011
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Thanks so very much. I actually met Betty one. Her hair was so read it made your eyes water and her nails reminded me of a cat's claws. But she was a sweetheart and a great waitress.
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We've all met a "Betty" at least once--and she is usually well-meaning! -Joan
Comment from CALLAHANMR
Hi Valerie:}
I like the changes you made to the last paragraph of Chapter 19. Whatever created James' terrible apprehension, must be what led him to call Mac for help, rather than entering the cabin first.
This is a great bridging Chapter. You really increased the suspense as James says out loud, "What could possibly happen that could be any worse than what has already happened?" I have just two specific comments:
1. A voice was screaming inside my head, but the words were muffled and made no sense. My chest tightened and I found it hard to breathe. The image of a familiar face flashed on and off like a faulty light bulb hiding beneath the muffled words that fought to be heard. My heart began to race. I needed some air. [suppressed memories have a w of triggering panic when they try to surface. This is great foreshadowing!}
2. Mac stood up and with a grin on his [faced ==> face] shook his head. "Fine, I'll tell you what I can, but don't expect much."{A typo?}
You have me sitting on the edge of mu chair and I know what is coming. I know that some day soon you will terrify some poor moviegoer with this same apprehension.
I'm going to throw in some extra Irish hugs.six stars are not enough.
Roger
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2011
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Hi Valerie:}
I like the changes you made to the last paragraph of Chapter 19. Whatever created James' terrible apprehension, must be what led him to call Mac for help, rather than entering the cabin first.
This is a great bridging Chapter. You really increased the suspense as James says out loud, "What could possibly happen that could be any worse than what has already happened?" I have just two specific comments:
1. A voice was screaming inside my head, but the words were muffled and made no sense. My chest tightened and I found it hard to breathe. The image of a familiar face flashed on and off like a faulty light bulb hiding beneath the muffled words that fought to be heard. My heart began to race. I needed some air. [suppressed memories have a w of triggering panic when they try to surface. This is great foreshadowing!}
2. Mac stood up and with a grin on his [faced ==> face] shook his head. "Fine, I'll tell you what I can, but don't expect much."{A typo?}
You have me sitting on the edge of mu chair and I know what is coming. I know that some day soon you will terrify some poor moviegoer with this same apprehension.
I'm going to throw in some extra Irish hugs.six stars are not enough.
Roger
Comment Written 01-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2011
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Thank you so very much for your awesome and thorough critique. James's relationship with Mac is going to increase from this point on. Thanks so much for the 6 stars, I sincerely appreciate them.
Comment from fionageorge
Another really good chapter. As always, you use dialogue to the max, and this makes for the story to move at a realistic pace. You also make the characters stronger through the use of this dialogue, and your narrative brings visual images to the readers' minds. It will be interesting how much Mac is willing/able to tell James. I look forward to the next chapter. Warmest regards, Marijke :o)
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2011
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Another really good chapter. As always, you use dialogue to the max, and this makes for the story to move at a realistic pace. You also make the characters stronger through the use of this dialogue, and your narrative brings visual images to the readers' minds. It will be interesting how much Mac is willing/able to tell James. I look forward to the next chapter. Warmest regards, Marijke :o)
Comment Written 01-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2011
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Thank you very much. I am thrilled you are enjoying this. It is going to be a lot more tense from this point on...lots of secrets and some that may have been best left alone.
Comment from Realist101
HI Sasha...I have had these anxiety attacks...I had to go on meds for awhile long ago. It's scary...once I started crying and couldn't stop for six hours? Jeez! But, your story is progressing along really well! Your dialogue is always so good, just like we are there with the characters! Hope you are having some good weather at your house my friend! HUG! Susan
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2011
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HI Sasha...I have had these anxiety attacks...I had to go on meds for awhile long ago. It's scary...once I started crying and couldn't stop for six hours? Jeez! But, your story is progressing along really well! Your dialogue is always so good, just like we are there with the characters! Hope you are having some good weather at your house my friend! HUG! Susan
Comment Written 28-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2011
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The weather has been awesome. Still cold at night and early in the morning, the the afternoons are marvelous. Just what you wanted to here...right?
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") I'm glad Sasha...you deserve some nice weather! Ours is slowly improving! A TINGE of green in the yard! There is hope! ") Just now, the twisters are starting! NOT good! How are you? Are your eyes doing okay? I am going in for Transition lenses next week. The sac? around my right eye is coming loose...scary!! I can't see clearly some of the time. Other times, real clear, it comes and goes. Take care!! HUG! Susan