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Grumbling Martin befriends the Kid21 total reviews
Comment from Jessica Bell
Poor Martin. Will he ever get his liverwurst?
You've done a great job developing his character in this piece. He reminds me of a lot of crotchety old men I know with secret soft spots somewhere deep down inside. Children and animals tend to reach those spots even though the rest of us can't!
A few specific comments:
"Yea, I'm thirsty too."
***Should this be "Yeah"? Yea spelled that way is usually reserved for affirmative replies (like in voting!)
"Ewe, stinky!" - Although it' not a dictionary word, used this way it's generally spelled "Eww" or "Ewwwwwwww" depending on just how gross it is. Ewe is a female sheep.
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2010
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Poor Martin. Will he ever get his liverwurst?
You've done a great job developing his character in this piece. He reminds me of a lot of crotchety old men I know with secret soft spots somewhere deep down inside. Children and animals tend to reach those spots even though the rest of us can't!
A few specific comments:
"Yea, I'm thirsty too."
***Should this be "Yeah"? Yea spelled that way is usually reserved for affirmative replies (like in voting!)
"Ewe, stinky!" - Although it' not a dictionary word, used this way it's generally spelled "Eww" or "Ewwwwwwww" depending on just how gross it is. Ewe is a female sheep.
Comment Written 07-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2010
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Thank you Jessica first for reading my story and secondly taking the time to point out those two items, I appreciate ita nd will make the changes. Again, thanks
Comment from forestport12
Wow. This is what I call a tough competition. There is so much I liked about your story. I loved the dialogue. I loved the setting and how you kept the pace and moved me along with great empathy for what might or should happen next. And in the end you didn't cheat me, you delivered a character shift. And Oh how I love character driven stories.
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2010
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Wow. This is what I call a tough competition. There is so much I liked about your story. I loved the dialogue. I loved the setting and how you kept the pace and moved me along with great empathy for what might or should happen next. And in the end you didn't cheat me, you delivered a character shift. And Oh how I love character driven stories.
Comment Written 07-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2010
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forestport, thank you for the extended commentary, I appreciate your time. Sorry I did not respond sooner, I have been busy with work. Thanks for reading my short story, John
Comment from Jeedifan
I liked your use of dialogue (interior and exterior) to convey Martin's grumpiness. On the other hand, I do not know if you need to come out and tell the reader he is grumpy--I can tell from his previous dialogue he is. Rather keep on showing Martin's grumpiness by body language or further interior/exterior dialogue.
Another thing that stood out was adverbs. They can be useful tools to convey emotion or action, but they sometimes get in the way. On the same line as "grumpy Martin" suddenly is appears and while I do not have anything against the word, it felt artificial. An action/thought can just appear, but how did it appear or in what form? I am aware of your word restriction, but play around with different phrases and see if one fits.
In closing, I liked your story, though I am left wondering if it would go somewhere and where that the place is. Idle speculation on my part, but I would not mind continuing the journey with Martin, Timmy and Timmy's mom.
Thank you for your pleasant, little story. I look forward to further work.
-Jeedifan
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2010
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I liked your use of dialogue (interior and exterior) to convey Martin's grumpiness. On the other hand, I do not know if you need to come out and tell the reader he is grumpy--I can tell from his previous dialogue he is. Rather keep on showing Martin's grumpiness by body language or further interior/exterior dialogue.
Another thing that stood out was adverbs. They can be useful tools to convey emotion or action, but they sometimes get in the way. On the same line as "grumpy Martin" suddenly is appears and while I do not have anything against the word, it felt artificial. An action/thought can just appear, but how did it appear or in what form? I am aware of your word restriction, but play around with different phrases and see if one fits.
In closing, I liked your story, though I am left wondering if it would go somewhere and where that the place is. Idle speculation on my part, but I would not mind continuing the journey with Martin, Timmy and Timmy's mom.
Thank you for your pleasant, little story. I look forward to further work.
-Jeedifan
Comment Written 07-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2010
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Jeedifan... sorry I did not respond sooner but I have been busy with work. Thank you for you time and effort to point out the things you did. I will keep them in mind during further writing. Appreciated much... John
Comment from humpwhistle
I don't know if you intended it to be like this, but Martin IS Walter Matthau. Gruff exterior, soft creamy filling. A couple of thoughts: Lose the Grrrs. We know he's cranky. And when his number gets called and he's losing his place---we know what that means, so you don't have to tell us---although Matin might roll his eyes.
Actually he might roll them again when he hears, now serving 78. Like I said, just some thoughts. Nice story.
Peace, Lee
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2010
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I don't know if you intended it to be like this, but Martin IS Walter Matthau. Gruff exterior, soft creamy filling. A couple of thoughts: Lose the Grrrs. We know he's cranky. And when his number gets called and he's losing his place---we know what that means, so you don't have to tell us---although Matin might roll his eyes.
Actually he might roll them again when he hears, now serving 78. Like I said, just some thoughts. Nice story.
Peace, Lee
Comment Written 07-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2010
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Lee, thank you for the extended commentary, I appreciate it and sorry for not answereing sooner, I have been working extended hours. John
Comment from Spiritual Echo
Charming!
Nice simple story exploring the duality in the central charachter. Kind vision and complete sincerity in every word.
Nicely done.
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2010
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Charming!
Nice simple story exploring the duality in the central charachter. Kind vision and complete sincerity in every word.
Nicely done.
Comment Written 07-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2010
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Thank you... John
Comment from LoveLifeKnight
this is a fun story for a fun contest. i really enjoyed reading it. you gave us a great sense of setting and characters in very few words. thanks for sharing!
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2010
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this is a fun story for a fun contest. i really enjoyed reading it. you gave us a great sense of setting and characters in very few words. thanks for sharing!
Comment Written 07-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2010
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Thanks LoveLifeKnight... John
Comment from Ritsal
This is a fun story that has the makings of a very good contest entry. I've noted some minor edits for your consideration:
Martin stood amongst a sea of people waiting their turn at [the]Spumaldi's Market deli counter.
Looking up, he saw they were (now) serving number twenty-nine. - (the word "now" is superfluous as were serving means now)
"Get away kid(,)[needs either a semi-colon to separate two separate thoughts or add a period after kid an begin new sentence] go to your mother."
coconut covered jelly apple << what is this? Might want to add an author's note. I've never heard of it.
twist[-]top coffee soda
...just what my diabetes need[s]. [The word diabetes is singular]
Good luck in the contest.
Best wishes,
Rita
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2010
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This is a fun story that has the makings of a very good contest entry. I've noted some minor edits for your consideration:
Martin stood amongst a sea of people waiting their turn at [the]Spumaldi's Market deli counter.
Looking up, he saw they were (now) serving number twenty-nine. - (the word "now" is superfluous as were serving means now)
"Get away kid(,)[needs either a semi-colon to separate two separate thoughts or add a period after kid an begin new sentence] go to your mother."
coconut covered jelly apple << what is this? Might want to add an author's note. I've never heard of it.
twist[-]top coffee soda
...just what my diabetes need[s]. [The word diabetes is singular]
Good luck in the contest.
Best wishes,
Rita
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 07-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2010
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Thank you Rita for reading and the corrections... you never had a jelly covered apple?? or Caramel covered apple? Typically a "fall" item. Thanks and I will make the corrections.
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Yes, I've had caramel covered apples and candy covered, just never heard it referred to as "Jelly" covered. Must be a regional thing. :)
Comment from R. K. Alan
Loved the funny ending... nothing like having that grandfather look about you. Your story moved along briskly. I enjoyed the dialogue. Thanks for sharing. Ray aka Krylon
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2010
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Loved the funny ending... nothing like having that grandfather look about you. Your story moved along briskly. I enjoyed the dialogue. Thanks for sharing. Ray aka Krylon
Comment Written 07-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2010
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Thanks Ray for reading and commenting. John
Comment from janeae
Too cute! What a curmudgeon...and how a child can change him into a grandpa. How adorable. cute, cute. The story read well, the conversation also. I loved it! Thank you for writing. jane
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2010
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Too cute! What a curmudgeon...and how a child can change him into a grandpa. How adorable. cute, cute. The story read well, the conversation also. I loved it! Thank you for writing. jane
Comment Written 07-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2010
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I love that word.. curmudgeon! I appreciate your reading and taking the time to comment. Sorry I did not respond sooner... John
Comment from highlander104
Grrrreat story. It moved from beginning to end without skipping a beat. Excellent dialogue mixing well with short narratives. Loved the story. Good luck in the contest.
Jean K.
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2010
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Grrrreat story. It moved from beginning to end without skipping a beat. Excellent dialogue mixing well with short narratives. Loved the story. Good luck in the contest.
Jean K.
Comment Written 07-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2010
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Thanks for commenting and reading. Sorry it took so long to say that but I have been working lots of hours. John
