Short Stories
Viewing comments for Chapter 20 "It Can't Be!"A book of a mixture of stories
61 total reviews
Comment from patmedium
Carol... I am so glad that this is a contest without a word limit. LOL... it's THE most wonderful tale. Congratulations, and the best of luck with it. Pat.
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2010
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Carol... I am so glad that this is a contest without a word limit. LOL... it's THE most wonderful tale. Congratulations, and the best of luck with it. Pat.
Comment Written 26-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2010
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Pat,
Once I was writing..I too was very glad it didn't have a word limit. The story owned itself and came alive..I am thrilled everyone is enjoying it. smiles, Carol
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Actually, if there had been a limit, you could have easily lost that entree with little trouble... but it's a good tale. Pat.
Comment from cheyennewy
Hi Carol,
I just love this story. You have such a good imagination, I don't know how you come up with these wonderful stories but you do and that's what matters. I loved your characters and the uplifting ending will stay with me all day. Wish I had a six for you as I love the story so much. Blessings....chey
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2010
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Hi Carol,
I just love this story. You have such a good imagination, I don't know how you come up with these wonderful stories but you do and that's what matters. I loved your characters and the uplifting ending will stay with me all day. Wish I had a six for you as I love the story so much. Blessings....chey
Comment Written 26-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2010
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Chey,
Thank you for your generous review and the virtual six. Your enjoyment of the story means more to me than anything. Thank you again - Smiles, Carol
Comment from TheBritsWife
Hi Carol, Oh, yes...this story was well worth the little extra length! I didn't even notice, since I was so caught up in the wonderful plot and characters. Wow...great ending! I didn't see that coming. I thought for sure Will's mother was a ghost. You really had me start to finish! Good luck with your contest. Your stories are always award winning! - Karen ;-)
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2010
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Hi Carol, Oh, yes...this story was well worth the little extra length! I didn't even notice, since I was so caught up in the wonderful plot and characters. Wow...great ending! I didn't see that coming. I thought for sure Will's mother was a ghost. You really had me start to finish! Good luck with your contest. Your stories are always award winning! - Karen ;-)
Comment Written 26-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2010
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Karen,
Thank you so much, my friend. Your generous and awesome review lifts my spirits very much. I too didn't realize the length of the story till I was done writing..It kind of just rolled off my mind. Thank you...Smiles, Carol
Comment from dmjones
Hi Carol, It didn't seem long at all. Once you get into a story and I did this one, they never seem long. Good imagery and description, especially in the description of the house. I will admit the first part confused me with Addison but I realized when I went back to reread it, it was really only me and interruptions at work. Well done and good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2010
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Hi Carol, It didn't seem long at all. Once you get into a story and I did this one, they never seem long. Good imagery and description, especially in the description of the house. I will admit the first part confused me with Addison but I realized when I went back to reread it, it was really only me and interruptions at work. Well done and good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 26-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2010
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Donna,
This story owned me. I had no idea how much I'd written until I'd finished it. The words just kept coming and the story just kept growing. Thrilled that you enjoyed it. Smiles, Carol
Comment from Gert sherwood
Good day Carol,
Now here is a story that was very interesting and intriguing to read even if it was long
Great details about the old house and I liked the theme of your story very much.
Gert
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2010
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Good day Carol,
Now here is a story that was very interesting and intriguing to read even if it was long
Great details about the old house and I liked the theme of your story very much.
Gert
Comment Written 26-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2010
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Gert,
Glad you enjoyed it regardless how long it was. I appreciate your best wishes as always. Carol
Comment from ms. cardshark
Wasn't sure where this was headed and was relieved to experience a happy ending. Very well written. Maybe could have been a little shorter, but would have lost detail, I suppose. Good luck in the contest.
MM
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2010
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Wasn't sure where this was headed and was relieved to experience a happy ending. Very well written. Maybe could have been a little shorter, but would have lost detail, I suppose. Good luck in the contest.
MM
Comment Written 26-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2010
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MM,
I just started writing and the words poured out. It wasn't until I stopped that I realized how long it was but I couldn't see how I could change anything. Thank you for reading and for the generous review. Smiles, Carol
Comment from ladybird
I was so disapointed. I got to the end and I havent got a six to give! I loved this. It involved me from the start. A lovely story, one filled with emotion. As always,the descripive text is superb. You are one fine story teller. This really deserves to win.
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2010
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I was so disapointed. I got to the end and I havent got a six to give! I loved this. It involved me from the start. A lovely story, one filled with emotion. As always,the descripive text is superb. You are one fine story teller. This really deserves to win.
Comment Written 26-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2010
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ladybird,
Scared me at first...I thought you were so disappointed with the story. Your special comments are worth more than the stars...Thank you so so much!!! Smiles, Carol
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You're welcome:-).
Comment from hvysmker
"I don't know these people. Why would they even leave me property? It's probably a hoax."
*** I think that would be my first impression. Anybody want to buy an authentic picture of your family "crest" along with a complete genealogical history?
Today, after a five-hour drive through winding countryside, Will stood in the middle of Whipton, population 319. The main street was three blocks long.
*** I don't like that "Today"? The story is in past tense.
"Twenty-one, you say." The man appeared to mull something over before speaking again. "Well, my daughter, Kate, she'll be able to give you directions." He pointed toward the pony-tailed girl cheerfully chattering with a woman at the counter.
*** In general, you should always beware of sleeping with the farmer's daughter. The old bait and switch tactic. Make a date with the pretty one and end up with her ugly sister instead, followed by Pa with the shotgun.
Unexplainable warmth enveloped his body, as he stood there, mesmerized.
*** I'd lose the "there". That word is usually not needed and gets in the way of the story.
"Really? Hasn't been anyone living there for years, except a ghost, of course."
*** Of course. Only an offhand statement. "Oh. By the way, it does have a ghost."
Outside the store, Kate's dad and another elderly man were playing a game of checkers. They both looked up from the game as the screen door opened.
*** Helps set the mood of the town.
"Pappy, this here is the young man I was telling you about. Sorry, didn't catch your name."
Will extended his hand to Pappy. "William Tremont, sir."
Pappy's grip was firm and friendly. His long, bushy white beard covered most of his face, except for his twinkling blue eyes. At first glance, Will thought he reminded him of Santa Claus.
A few of us would get our fiddles going and we'd have a good ole hoe down going in no time.
*** hoe-down
"Sam, don't be scaring the boy off before he even sees the place. That's going to scare him enough."
*** I noticed a couple more incidents like above. I'd say to split that first sentence, such as in: "Sam. Don't be........" Trying saying both out loud and you'll see what I mean.
********************
"Let's go." They walked through the prairie grass and the trees.
*** He-he-he. Won't he be surprised?
A black cast iron kettle still hung over the burnt ashes.
*** cast-iron
Before I died, I tried to make amends with the Lord, knowing it was the only way I'd be seeing my sweet beloved Sally again.
*** Let me detour a moment, Carol. On my first tour in Japan I had a live-in girlfriend. I lied to her about the date I was due to leave, simply taking off that morning, leaving furniture and her behind. Six years later, I managed to get reassigned to the island. Still having feelings of both affection and guilt -- after all, I had grown up a bit since then -- one of the first things I did was to look for her. I couldn't find her anywhere. Even the house had been torn down, a police station in its place. The grandfather's story reminds me of that event.
In one day, he'd become a property owner, found his real mother, and discovered a girl that made his heart sing. Life was looking pretty good.
*** Now, that's a very touching and emotional scene, Carol. I think it beats the one in my entry by quite a bit. It should be interesting to see how two such long contest entries, both with stirring final scenes, do in this contest.
I don't think you should ever apologize for the length of a story, Carol. Don't fall into the trap of writing only for Fanstory applause. That would limit your skills -- drastically. Fanstory members are reading for "points" and reciprocation, and not representative of readers in general.
When I read a story in a magazine or collection, I want to see traits such as character development and enough description of scenes to form them in my own mind. Fanstory tends to encourage shorter stories, meaning less depiction of both.
What a longer story like this means in a contest is that I don't feel like giving it a line-critique, due to time constraints. There will most likely be 18 stories in this contest. Critiquing all of them would take an enormous amount of time, meaning the longer ones will suffer comments only.
Charlie
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2010
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"I don't know these people. Why would they even leave me property? It's probably a hoax."
*** I think that would be my first impression. Anybody want to buy an authentic picture of your family "crest" along with a complete genealogical history?
Today, after a five-hour drive through winding countryside, Will stood in the middle of Whipton, population 319. The main street was three blocks long.
*** I don't like that "Today"? The story is in past tense.
"Twenty-one, you say." The man appeared to mull something over before speaking again. "Well, my daughter, Kate, she'll be able to give you directions." He pointed toward the pony-tailed girl cheerfully chattering with a woman at the counter.
*** In general, you should always beware of sleeping with the farmer's daughter. The old bait and switch tactic. Make a date with the pretty one and end up with her ugly sister instead, followed by Pa with the shotgun.
Unexplainable warmth enveloped his body, as he stood there, mesmerized.
*** I'd lose the "there". That word is usually not needed and gets in the way of the story.
"Really? Hasn't been anyone living there for years, except a ghost, of course."
*** Of course. Only an offhand statement. "Oh. By the way, it does have a ghost."
Outside the store, Kate's dad and another elderly man were playing a game of checkers. They both looked up from the game as the screen door opened.
*** Helps set the mood of the town.
"Pappy, this here is the young man I was telling you about. Sorry, didn't catch your name."
Will extended his hand to Pappy. "William Tremont, sir."
Pappy's grip was firm and friendly. His long, bushy white beard covered most of his face, except for his twinkling blue eyes. At first glance, Will thought he reminded him of Santa Claus.
A few of us would get our fiddles going and we'd have a good ole hoe down going in no time.
*** hoe-down
"Sam, don't be scaring the boy off before he even sees the place. That's going to scare him enough."
*** I noticed a couple more incidents like above. I'd say to split that first sentence, such as in: "Sam. Don't be........" Trying saying both out loud and you'll see what I mean.
********************
"Let's go." They walked through the prairie grass and the trees.
*** He-he-he. Won't he be surprised?
A black cast iron kettle still hung over the burnt ashes.
*** cast-iron
Before I died, I tried to make amends with the Lord, knowing it was the only way I'd be seeing my sweet beloved Sally again.
*** Let me detour a moment, Carol. On my first tour in Japan I had a live-in girlfriend. I lied to her about the date I was due to leave, simply taking off that morning, leaving furniture and her behind. Six years later, I managed to get reassigned to the island. Still having feelings of both affection and guilt -- after all, I had grown up a bit since then -- one of the first things I did was to look for her. I couldn't find her anywhere. Even the house had been torn down, a police station in its place. The grandfather's story reminds me of that event.
In one day, he'd become a property owner, found his real mother, and discovered a girl that made his heart sing. Life was looking pretty good.
*** Now, that's a very touching and emotional scene, Carol. I think it beats the one in my entry by quite a bit. It should be interesting to see how two such long contest entries, both with stirring final scenes, do in this contest.
I don't think you should ever apologize for the length of a story, Carol. Don't fall into the trap of writing only for Fanstory applause. That would limit your skills -- drastically. Fanstory members are reading for "points" and reciprocation, and not representative of readers in general.
When I read a story in a magazine or collection, I want to see traits such as character development and enough description of scenes to form them in my own mind. Fanstory tends to encourage shorter stories, meaning less depiction of both.
What a longer story like this means in a contest is that I don't feel like giving it a line-critique, due to time constraints. There will most likely be 18 stories in this contest. Critiquing all of them would take an enormous amount of time, meaning the longer ones will suffer comments only.
Charlie
Comment Written 26-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2010
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Charlie,
Awesome...I have to give you a six for taking the time to detail your opinions and thoughtful comments. I can't really explain it but this story came alive while I was writing it. I didn't even have to stop until I was at the end..realizing how long it was. I couldn't justify changing it so I submitted it as is. When I first joined Fanstory, I was scolded numerous times for the length of my stories...Back then I struggled to change them. Now, I hope others will not judge a book by the cover and take the time to enjoy the characters and the story itself.
I haven't been able to start reviewing so I hope I can get to all of it this week end. I am anxious to read the others.
Once again, I want to thank you for the time and effort you uput into my story. I really appreciate it. Not many would put the effort into it no matter how good it was...
Smiles and best wishes,
Carol
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Thanks, Carol. I don't really like to do simple comments. Usually, if I don't have time for a critique I back off. That's why I sometimes skip long contest entries. A comment takes a couple of minutes, while a real critique takes maybe an hour. Figure 18 stories X 1 hour, and you see what I mean.
I also like to give and receive explanations on how a story affects a reader. I think it helps a writer to know those things. And, lastly, I can't pass-up an error that stands out to me. i just can't force myself, and have to mention it. Even a casual reader can spot errors an author reads over and over without seeing.
Anyway, thanks for the vote of confidence.
Charlie
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I know just what you mean about the story running away from you, Carol. I've had that feeling many times.
When I wrote my first novel, one of those "End of Civilization As We Knew It" stories, I felt that urge to write until I fell asleep at the computer. I worked on it for most of my waking hours for about a month. I wish I'd have known about that NANOWRIMO, or however they spell it, contest. I probably would have completed it.
I didn't worry about corrections and, indeed, knew damned little about grammar at the time ... just kept on going. Like you say, it had a life of its own.
Since then, I've lost that feeling of affection for my work. Increasingly, I think of it in those terms, "work." That worries me. I know from long experience that I can whip out a few thousand words without really trying. The adventure seems to be lessening, leaving drudgery behind. That worries me.
I haven't really tried to sell anything for a long time, which also worries me. Writing has always been fun, but I never did like the selling part, especially with novels. They sit in a subdirectory, languishing.
I'd like to get back that old spark, but don't know how, which is probably why I enter a lot of contests. I know I won't win this one. My story is too long. But, like I told you, I don't work for Fanstory. I want to become a better writer, not be caught in a rut of 500 - 1000 word family-type stories.
Jeeze, but you got me going, and thinking, this morning.
I wonder whether you do as I do, by getting introspective in the morning, over a cup of Java? I'll sit without tv or radio, watching my pet rats in a cage across the room, and simply let my mind drift. That's a good way to get story ideas. I've become adept at grabbing them as they flutter by.
Charlie
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Charlie,
Yes, my mind seems to explode in the morning and writing is a thrill. I do so hope you find your spark again...My life is turned upside down right now AGAIN and I would be lost without my imagination and the ability to make it a story.
I've never had anything published...not even quite sure where to start, but in this point of my life I would think I'd gone to Heaven if I could...winning the Writers Trophy in 6 months last year made me soar through the roof. Someone or many someones I should say...thought I could write and they appreciated it as well.
I've written since I was a little girl...seems like hundreds of years ago...but no one ever took me seriously, I guess. Except those Seniors in high school who had me writing their essays in study hall. LOL
I too love when a little blip of a thought blossoms into a story...and I get to go along for the ride.
Have a great day!
Smiles, Carol
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Sometimes I feel guilty competing against you people who have written for such a long time. I didn't even start until I was in my sixties, about six or seven years ago. My writing was more of an afterthought than a calling, a cheap way to occupy time while retired.
I'll leave you alone now.
Charlie
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Have a great day and stop back by anytime. I enjoyed chatting with you...
smiles, Carol
Comment from knowledge
This is a heart moving story. I'm amazed at our creative process. We see or hear something and it causes the creative muse to come to us with a story.
Luck on the contest.
Thank You My Friend,
Knowledge
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2010
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This is a heart moving story. I'm amazed at our creative process. We see or hear something and it causes the creative muse to come to us with a story.
Luck on the contest.
Thank You My Friend,
Knowledge
Comment Written 26-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2010
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Knowledge,
Thank you for the kind review. I appreciate it very much. Carol
Comment from RavenShrift
It was a worthwhile read indeed. I really enjoyed it. It had very well-written characters, and it flowed nicely. You have a good balance between dialogue and narrative to allow visualization of your scenes while allowing the story to keep moving. Good luck with the contest.
Raven
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2010
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It was a worthwhile read indeed. I really enjoyed it. It had very well-written characters, and it flowed nicely. You have a good balance between dialogue and narrative to allow visualization of your scenes while allowing the story to keep moving. Good luck with the contest.
Raven
Comment Written 26-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2010
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Raven,
Thank you so much for the generous review. I appreciate it very much. Smiles, Carol