Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "Chapter 2 Part 1"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
44 total reviews
Comment from ladybird
Sounds as if there will be complications ahead if Leya's fell for Steven. As good follow on chapter.
Steven and Joe entered the room with weapons drawn. A tall slender Hispanic man jumped out of a chair and reached for his holstered gun. Steven lunged and grabbed the gun, (before the man( ). Is there (did) missing here
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2009
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Sounds as if there will be complications ahead if Leya's fell for Steven. As good follow on chapter.
Steven and Joe entered the room with weapons drawn. A tall slender Hispanic man jumped out of a chair and reached for his holstered gun. Steven lunged and grabbed the gun, (before the man( ). Is there (did) missing here
Comment Written 13-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2009
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Maybe, there seems to be a discussion if did should be there or not. I honestly don't know. I think there's a slight majority in favor of it. I'll put it there. Thank you.
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You're welcome.
Comment from MadameSparkle
You move the story along very well with the dialogue and it all sounds very authentic. I particularly liked the way you ended this chapter, encouraging the reader to come back next time for more.
Sparkles
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2009
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You move the story along very well with the dialogue and it all sounds very authentic. I particularly liked the way you ended this chapter, encouraging the reader to come back next time for more.
Sparkles
Comment Written 13-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate your kind words.
Comment from DecrepitOldBag
This is not the genre I would ordinarily read. However, I find myself instantly swept up into the story. Characterisation is strong, narrative equally so. Clearly, a fast paced story with a lot happening. You have skillfully incorporated a hook to the next chapter.
A most enjoyable read. Keep going, I am interested to see where this leads.
Warm wishes
Kat
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2009
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This is not the genre I would ordinarily read. However, I find myself instantly swept up into the story. Characterisation is strong, narrative equally so. Clearly, a fast paced story with a lot happening. You have skillfully incorporated a hook to the next chapter.
A most enjoyable read. Keep going, I am interested to see where this leads.
Warm wishes
Kat
Comment Written 13-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate your kind words.
Comment from Mrs Happy Poet
This is very well written it reads well and I enjoyed definitely entertaining I am sure many others will enjoy well done regards Fuller
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2009
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This is very well written it reads well and I enjoyed definitely entertaining I am sure many others will enjoy well done regards Fuller
Comment Written 12-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate you kind words.
Comment from TillMcCauley
I really enjoyed this chapter. The only small thing I noticed was the astrics* used. You really don't have to use those in my opinion, the reader will flow from one scene to the next. Keep up the good work. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2009
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I really enjoyed this chapter. The only small thing I noticed was the astrics* used. You really don't have to use those in my opinion, the reader will flow from one scene to the next. Keep up the good work. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 12-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2009
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When I don't use them I get gigged for switching POV without notifing the reader. I don't use them in my manuscript, just have an extra space. An extra space wasn't enough for readers on FS
Comment from Donald O. Cassidy
barb,you sure have the book set up for much more dramatic action, intrigue and narration.
The antagonist is really scary, considering your detailed description.
I think you get the chapter off to a gripping start. The threats of violence, the conquest of these initial enemies, and the rescue of Emily.
This is a warm human interest element regarding the baby Emily. But the deepening plot adds further threats of even more violence.
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2009
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barb,you sure have the book set up for much more dramatic action, intrigue and narration.
The antagonist is really scary, considering your detailed description.
I think you get the chapter off to a gripping start. The threats of violence, the conquest of these initial enemies, and the rescue of Emily.
This is a warm human interest element regarding the baby Emily. But the deepening plot adds further threats of even more violence.
Comment Written 12-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate your kind words.
Comment from Perp Ihebom
I think this will turn out to be a great book. I could not really get a grip on this chapter, probably because i did not read the one preceding it. The plot however, seems very tight and full of suspense. kudos
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2009
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I think this will turn out to be a great book. I could not really get a grip on this chapter, probably because i did not read the one preceding it. The plot however, seems very tight and full of suspense. kudos
Comment Written 12-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2009
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Thank you for you reveiw. This is also the first of a chapter which I'm doing in 4 posts.
Comment from Mengleoh67
A very good chapter. I'm coming in sort of in the middle so my confusion around the characters is my issue and not theirs. They seem to be well developed with good clear definition. Character interaction and dialogue is very good and the storyline is strong and smooth. It held my attention beginning to end and you definitely gave a great hook into the next chapter. I'm intriqued to see what sort of chemistry close quarters will bring about for Steven and Leya.
The only bit that you might want to go over again is the first part where they are in Dani's room returning the baby. I had to read it several times to get clear why Matt was pulling his gun. I'm not sure I'd leave Vegas' entrance to the end of that paragraph because it really had me thinking Matt was pulling the gun on Dani and the baby.
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2009
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A very good chapter. I'm coming in sort of in the middle so my confusion around the characters is my issue and not theirs. They seem to be well developed with good clear definition. Character interaction and dialogue is very good and the storyline is strong and smooth. It held my attention beginning to end and you definitely gave a great hook into the next chapter. I'm intriqued to see what sort of chemistry close quarters will bring about for Steven and Leya.
The only bit that you might want to go over again is the first part where they are in Dani's room returning the baby. I had to read it several times to get clear why Matt was pulling his gun. I'm not sure I'd leave Vegas' entrance to the end of that paragraph because it really had me thinking Matt was pulling the gun on Dani and the baby.
Comment Written 12-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2009
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Thank you I will recheck that part.
Comment from RebelRose
Man, I am glad I finally got to the part where they found the baby. A good story and I have enjoyed following it. I look forward to the next chapter.
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2009
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Man, I am glad I finally got to the part where they found the baby. A good story and I have enjoyed following it. I look forward to the next chapter.
Comment Written 11-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate your kind words.
Comment from Nicnac
Barbara, I've got it bad. Steven is one hot melting pot that I want to jump into. I'm afraid I might get burned though. Maybe I'll wait until he gets in the shower to cool off and then I can sneak in and surprise him. Wowsie.
Great chapter! I was on the edge of my seat. I actually feel sorry for Leya. I guess she didn't have much choice of being a member of her wacked family. I hope she isn't part of some awful plan. Anyone that finds Steven hot is okay in my book though. LOL
I do have a suggestion. When the baby is returned to Dani, things seem a little calm. I would be crying and collapsing etc... so ecstatic that my baby was back and unharmed. Perhaps you could add a more dramatic reaction there.
*Steven lunged and grabbed the gun, before the man. <--The wording here tripped me up a little. Perhaps you could say: 'before the man did.'
*Noticing his dazzling green eyes, caused a gulp to catch in her throat. (I don't think the comma is necessary.)
What's with Leya collapsing? Is she just caught up in a lustful whirlwind of Stevens rippling muscles? or is she ill? Can't wait to find out. LOL
Nice imagery and intense action in this chapter, Barbara. I enjoyed it. (Especially eyeing Stellar Steve) haha
Nic
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2009
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Barbara, I've got it bad. Steven is one hot melting pot that I want to jump into. I'm afraid I might get burned though. Maybe I'll wait until he gets in the shower to cool off and then I can sneak in and surprise him. Wowsie.
Great chapter! I was on the edge of my seat. I actually feel sorry for Leya. I guess she didn't have much choice of being a member of her wacked family. I hope she isn't part of some awful plan. Anyone that finds Steven hot is okay in my book though. LOL
I do have a suggestion. When the baby is returned to Dani, things seem a little calm. I would be crying and collapsing etc... so ecstatic that my baby was back and unharmed. Perhaps you could add a more dramatic reaction there.
*Steven lunged and grabbed the gun, before the man. <--The wording here tripped me up a little. Perhaps you could say: 'before the man did.'
*Noticing his dazzling green eyes, caused a gulp to catch in her throat. (I don't think the comma is necessary.)
What's with Leya collapsing? Is she just caught up in a lustful whirlwind of Stevens rippling muscles? or is she ill? Can't wait to find out. LOL
Nice imagery and intense action in this chapter, Barbara. I enjoyed it. (Especially eyeing Stellar Steve) haha
Nic
Comment Written 11-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2009
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I think you will enjoy Steven as much as I have as I created him. He has all the necessary qualities. Thank you and I'm on errors.