The Breeding Colony
Aliens try to establish a human colony31 total reviews
Comment from dmjones
This is very funny with a great ending. Zob is going to wait for a long time. I didn't see any errors. Thanks for a good laugh.
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2009
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This is very funny with a great ending. Zob is going to wait for a long time. I didn't see any errors. Thanks for a good laugh.
Comment Written 05-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2009
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Thank you. Glad it gave you a laugh
Comment from yachtworknz
Snod-Your stories are told in great detail. I have noticed an improvement over the few months I have read your work. This one is brilliant.
BUT, you need a twist in the endings. This story is going along so well, then, ya, it's okay. Kind of like running a great race and walking over the finish line.
So, that is where I see you could imporve your writing. Your "flash" is awsome, but the endings loose the final "slam it home".
By the way the use of "flareing the dorcil fin" and the throught stack bit was so clever that I had to stop and smile. Well done. Now what can we do wiht these endings?
Cheers
Scott
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2009
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Snod-Your stories are told in great detail. I have noticed an improvement over the few months I have read your work. This one is brilliant.
BUT, you need a twist in the endings. This story is going along so well, then, ya, it's okay. Kind of like running a great race and walking over the finish line.
So, that is where I see you could imporve your writing. Your "flash" is awsome, but the endings loose the final "slam it home".
By the way the use of "flareing the dorcil fin" and the throught stack bit was so clever that I had to stop and smile. Well done. Now what can we do wiht these endings?
Cheers
Scott
Comment Written 05-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2009
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The ending where the 'breeding colony' was all male wasn't a twist? Damn, I thought I had hidden that so well. Oh well, back to the srawing board. Thanks for your review and kind comments
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No, that would be a great twist. I read this-
sky, and then ...." The blonde's mouth formed a circle as the memories slowly surfaced. "A flying saucer! An actual, real-life flying saucer. I saw it. My God, I actually saw it."
As the chick. The blond, who has a blond guy?
So they picked all guys, well now that's funny and the last line makes more sence. Maybe that needs to be just a bit more clear.
Hey, so I'm impressed now.
Cheers
Scott
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By the way check out Might Might-400 words on the front page. Tell me if that is a twist ending. I need another line to slam it home. Or maybe I don't. You tell me.
Cheers
Scott
Comment from adewpearl
Part of the way through I guessed there would be five guys - but it's still funny! I've often pondered what all sorts of human customs and behaviors would seem like to alien beings - and you do a good job of focusing on this once aspect - an excellent story! Brooke
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2009
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Part of the way through I guessed there would be five guys - but it's still funny! I've often pondered what all sorts of human customs and behaviors would seem like to alien beings - and you do a good job of focusing on this once aspect - an excellent story! Brooke
Comment Written 05-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2009
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Thank you. I'm glad guessing the ending didn't spoil ti for you.
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no, did not spoil it at all :-)
Comment from bkrighter
Great story. I could see the colony of humans from the beginning, but the ironic ending was unexpected. very nicely done.
Steve
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2009
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Great story. I could see the colony of humans from the beginning, but the ironic ending was unexpected. very nicely done.
Steve
Comment Written 05-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2009
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Thank you. Glad you liked it
Comment from *erin*
Good story! It was a nice change from all the other alien invader stories out there. It was quite unpredictable. i can see it becoming a good book if you so desired. No errors that I found. Good job!
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2009
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Good story! It was a nice change from all the other alien invader stories out there. It was quite unpredictable. i can see it becoming a good book if you so desired. No errors that I found. Good job!
Comment Written 05-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2009
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Haha, you're the 2nd to suggest that, but I'm not sure I could spin it out that long. Thanks for the review. Glad you liked it.
Comment from Deejharrington
Excellent story! I hope you are considering making it into a chapter book. We have to know what happens next. Even the "alien" characters were believable, the "humans" reaction was normal and interesting. Great Work. I hope we hear more of this story.
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2009
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Excellent story! I hope you are considering making it into a chapter book. We have to know what happens next. Even the "alien" characters were believable, the "humans" reaction was normal and interesting. Great Work. I hope we hear more of this story.
Comment Written 05-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2009
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Thank you. I'm not sure I can extend it into a book, but I appreciate the thought.
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You are welcome. At least consider it for the future.
Comment from Cairn Destop
This was an excellent story. You have the aliens explaining their efforts at preserving a bit of humanity and why there is such a fascination. The ending where the five selected humans were all male was like the punchline to a great joke. Well told and no SPAG spotted while reading.
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2009
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This was an excellent story. You have the aliens explaining their efforts at preserving a bit of humanity and why there is such a fascination. The ending where the five selected humans were all male was like the punchline to a great joke. Well told and no SPAG spotted while reading.
Comment Written 05-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2009
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Thank you, I'm glad you liked it.
Comment from jakuper
very funny and unpredictable. Though I was sure that I know the ending, well, you succeeded in surprising me.
And by the way, i believe it's time that I'll be your fan. Why should I read you only occasionally?
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2009
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very funny and unpredictable. Though I was sure that I know the ending, well, you succeeded in surprising me.
And by the way, i believe it's time that I'll be your fan. Why should I read you only occasionally?
Comment Written 05-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2009
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Bless you. Thanks for the review. Glad you were amused and surprised.
Comment from Judian James
Oh, you are a piece of work!!! You still had me going with the description that one of the guys was obviously in shorts and a t-shirt and I was thinking dress!! Hilarious
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2009
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Oh, you are a piece of work!!! You still had me going with the description that one of the guys was obviously in shorts and a t-shirt and I was thinking dress!! Hilarious
Comment Written 05-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2009
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Haha, you know, I never thought of that, but now you've pointed it out, of course I meant that.
Thanks for your review. Glad it amused you
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Yeah, it keeps people thinking men and women longer. Good one as always
Comment from prodigal
This is a very nice twist on the alien invader theme. I enjoyed reading this. It was interesting the way you objectively discribed humans. Well done- Sam
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2009
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This is a very nice twist on the alien invader theme. I enjoyed reading this. It was interesting the way you objectively discribed humans. Well done- Sam
Comment Written 05-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2009
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Thank you. Glad you liked it