Dark Shadows
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Marks of the Beast"A collection of short stories and flash fiction
19 total reviews
Comment from Josipher32
I think this is fabulous and I will bookmark it. Those site-sponsored contests are very difficult to win, but it seems like you have a winner here. I found no obvious grammar errors. I read your bio. I like a good horror/thriller as well. I think I will become a fan of your work. Your writing style and thoughts have impressed upon me.
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2007
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I think this is fabulous and I will bookmark it. Those site-sponsored contests are very difficult to win, but it seems like you have a winner here. I found no obvious grammar errors. I read your bio. I like a good horror/thriller as well. I think I will become a fan of your work. Your writing style and thoughts have impressed upon me.
Comment Written 02-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2007
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Thank you sooooo much! And if you truely intend to become a fan, might I recommend an earlier work of mine? I think you will find it just a bit chilling. :-) Now, back to this one... I am glad that you found this work to be an exceptional read. I have slaved over this story to the point that I close my eyes at night and dream it...LOL And yes, they are extremely hard to win. That is why I am doing my best to make sure everything is correct, context, form, etc. I can only hope all my hours reward me with such awsome reviews as yours!
Recommended story:
http://www.fanstory.com/displaystory.jsp?id=52059
The story is entitled The Good, The Mad, and The Trusting
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I have done an extensive study on the book of Revelation and I have read just about all the Lahaye and Jenkins "Left Behind" series. I'd love to personally chat with you anytime. I'd also like to invite you to the community Philosophy forum. I started a project called the "FFC" or "Fanstorians For Christ" I seem to be dealing with some "stone throwers" and I need more Christians in my corner. I'd love for you to either participate or just observe when you have a chance. I will go take a look at the story you have suggested. I invite you to look through my portfolio at my earlier works to give you a bit of understanding of who I am. Not all my stuff is Christian-based. It is all over the place. Take care. -Kristen.
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Not all of mine is christian based either. I write a lot of stuff along that vein but, just as you say, I'm all over the place. Horror, thriller, mystery, love, and even a bit of naughty.
I'd be happy to come by and check out the forum... but I have no clue where it is. Is it an actual part of fanstory? Or a different site? Send me a link if you have on and I'll happily pop on over to give it a looksee.
Talk to you soon!
Gwynn
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Click on "Community" and then "Forums" and then "Philosphy" and then "Wanna join the FFC?" you'll see it.
Comment from Kitagoodgirl
This is very compelling and well written. You have a wonderful way with words and I liked how well you used the Bible as a source for your writing. Keep up the good work.
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2007
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This is very compelling and well written. You have a wonderful way with words and I liked how well you used the Bible as a source for your writing. Keep up the good work.
Comment Written 02-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2007
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Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review my work. It's funny that you comment on the bible source... you know I actually sat reading and re-reading Revelations as I wrote my story (literally one hand holding the bible, the other my pen) just to make sure I got it right :-P Thanks again!
Comment from cassie99
This is a good contest entry. You tell a good story and it is quite horrifying. I am a fan of the narrator style of story, but I would have liked, I think, some interaction with the others. Even if it were just to hear them plead or scream. It would take some of the dreamlike quality away for an instant and give you a sense of terror. However, that's just my opinon. Good piece and good luck in the contest. Chris
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2007
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This is a good contest entry. You tell a good story and it is quite horrifying. I am a fan of the narrator style of story, but I would have liked, I think, some interaction with the others. Even if it were just to hear them plead or scream. It would take some of the dreamlike quality away for an instant and give you a sense of terror. However, that's just my opinon. Good piece and good luck in the contest. Chris
Comment Written 02-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2007
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Thank you so much for the great review marks. I appreciate your time and comments. Perhaps I should go take another look and see what "dialog" I can add :-)
Comment from mp3sum
So you've decided to go with an end of the world scenario... very ballsy considering it's been done so many times before in almost every conceivable genre. I've read most of the more well known works, including Swam Song, The Stand, and Nightworld. Of course this theme is prominent in movies as well, quite often arising out of a Zombie plague or nuclear holocaust.
But I digress, so on to your short story. Below I've noted all the grammatical suggestions, and I think by reading them you'll get an idea of what I'm going for. First, let's examine the plot itself. You've chosen for what is perhaps the primary component, a religious take on the monstrosities who ravage our world. And this destruction begins with an eclipse, eith very little other solid explanation.
First, I do appreciate the narrator's elaborate conjecture about what is happening all around him. The problem is, there is not a sufficient number of new ideas here to pique the imagination of a seasoned reader. Vague questions as to whether it was a tear in space in time or any other hackneyed cliche which could end the world are not enough to hold the attention of someone who's seen it all before. If you're going to go with such a common plot device, it is necessary, albeit not easy, to come up with a bit of original conjecture concerning the whole mess. I recommend checking out some of Stephen King's short stories, as there are several where he continues to pump new life into this same old story.
My second gripe is with the narrator. I think one of the keys to a short person story is that the reader should occasionally empathize the person telling it, or at least develop some sort of emotion, whether it be disdain, anti-hero admiration, or even outright anger. In this case, our man doesn't have a family, or seem to really care about what is happening all around him. His description of the events is more like a detached narrator rather than an actual person who is involved in a very human tragedy. I think a paragraph describing his unsuccessful attempts to help those around him might add a big of the ol drama.
Finally, and I touched upon this in the previous paragraph, the entire narration is very cut and dry. We have no characters who, when tragedy is visited upon them, evoke any real emotion. This is the end of the world, where innocent mothers with children are encountering death or worse at the hands of the most evil being in existence. In other words, some really bad shite is going down, and the reader needs to be pulled into the story along with all his fellow man who are being slaughtered or left for dead. I do like several of your descriptions, particularly the appearance of the devil which comes across quite viscerally.
I hope this was helpful, and here are some nit picky suggestions which might make the reading a bit smoother.
Hell found me. You may think I'm being rhetorical. (don't need "with such a statement",
You may have scoffed (much as I did) or you may have stood in trembling awe as the preacher announced we were all bound for hell if we didn't repent. Whether you will scoff or tremble, I assure you that neither reaction is sufficient when faced with the hard, cruel reality of the Truth.
Then something happened. Unfortunately for the more curious among us, chaos swept the world before anyone could find out how or why. But does it matter?
It was all over the news, in the papers, touted by scientists to be unlike any past phenomena. ... But we, being such adaptable creatures, took it all in stride and went on with our busy lives.
Those not caught up in the normal hustle and bustle of a New York day simply stood like sardines, packed shoulder to shoulder, awaiting this magnificent event.
We watched as the moon slid before the sun in a graceful arc of splendor and each of us, I have no doubt, hoped the light would return. But the darkness persisted and soon the very earth rebelled at the loss.
-This seems to be a very clumsy paragraph. "Graceful arc of splendor" is a very odd phrase. Stating that people hoped the light would return indicates there was a real worry something would go wrong, but I do not think there is sufficient foreshadowing to support this. And it doesn't seem like the earth rebelled so much as the devil took over. We aren't talking mother nature with the hurricanes and tidal waves etc. Maybe rephrase?
Pipes, securely placed and carefully maintained, ruptured; their anger sending great gouts of flame skyward.
-The pipes aren't really angry, and after semi-colon you should have a complete sentence.
Smoke billowed from the ruptured earth<,> stealing oxygen from the air and painting the already darkened sky in shadows.
Choked by the suffocating heat and smoke I stood, trapped by my own fear and indecision.
-Needs rephrasing
Stingers, like those of a scorpion, dripping venom that hissed and steamed as it struck the ground.
-Not a complete sentence
Tearing my eyes from the fearful sight, I frantically looked about me; my eyes seeking anew a place I could escape the burning rock, the trembling earth and the screams that assailed my ears. It was by chance that my eyes swept over the crater in the street.
-You use "my eyes" twice here, maybe rephrase
The rest is more of the same, and I suggest you paste this piece into an editor like Microsoft word and hit the grammar check. Also, keep an eye out for over used words like devastation or any of its derivatives. I hope this was helpful, and I think with a little polishing it could be an awesome read.
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2007
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So you've decided to go with an end of the world scenario... very ballsy considering it's been done so many times before in almost every conceivable genre. I've read most of the more well known works, including Swam Song, The Stand, and Nightworld. Of course this theme is prominent in movies as well, quite often arising out of a Zombie plague or nuclear holocaust.
But I digress, so on to your short story. Below I've noted all the grammatical suggestions, and I think by reading them you'll get an idea of what I'm going for. First, let's examine the plot itself. You've chosen for what is perhaps the primary component, a religious take on the monstrosities who ravage our world. And this destruction begins with an eclipse, eith very little other solid explanation.
First, I do appreciate the narrator's elaborate conjecture about what is happening all around him. The problem is, there is not a sufficient number of new ideas here to pique the imagination of a seasoned reader. Vague questions as to whether it was a tear in space in time or any other hackneyed cliche which could end the world are not enough to hold the attention of someone who's seen it all before. If you're going to go with such a common plot device, it is necessary, albeit not easy, to come up with a bit of original conjecture concerning the whole mess. I recommend checking out some of Stephen King's short stories, as there are several where he continues to pump new life into this same old story.
My second gripe is with the narrator. I think one of the keys to a short person story is that the reader should occasionally empathize the person telling it, or at least develop some sort of emotion, whether it be disdain, anti-hero admiration, or even outright anger. In this case, our man doesn't have a family, or seem to really care about what is happening all around him. His description of the events is more like a detached narrator rather than an actual person who is involved in a very human tragedy. I think a paragraph describing his unsuccessful attempts to help those around him might add a big of the ol drama.
Finally, and I touched upon this in the previous paragraph, the entire narration is very cut and dry. We have no characters who, when tragedy is visited upon them, evoke any real emotion. This is the end of the world, where innocent mothers with children are encountering death or worse at the hands of the most evil being in existence. In other words, some really bad shite is going down, and the reader needs to be pulled into the story along with all his fellow man who are being slaughtered or left for dead. I do like several of your descriptions, particularly the appearance of the devil which comes across quite viscerally.
I hope this was helpful, and here are some nit picky suggestions which might make the reading a bit smoother.
Hell found me. You may think I'm being rhetorical. (don't need "with such a statement",
You may have scoffed (much as I did) or you may have stood in trembling awe as the preacher announced we were all bound for hell if we didn't repent. Whether you will scoff or tremble, I assure you that neither reaction is sufficient when faced with the hard, cruel reality of the Truth.
Then something happened. Unfortunately for the more curious among us, chaos swept the world before anyone could find out how or why. But does it matter?
It was all over the news, in the papers, touted by scientists to be unlike any past phenomena. ... But we, being such adaptable creatures, took it all in stride and went on with our busy lives.
Those not caught up in the normal hustle and bustle of a New York day simply stood like sardines, packed shoulder to shoulder, awaiting this magnificent event.
We watched as the moon slid before the sun in a graceful arc of splendor and each of us, I have no doubt, hoped the light would return. But the darkness persisted and soon the very earth rebelled at the loss.
-This seems to be a very clumsy paragraph. "Graceful arc of splendor" is a very odd phrase. Stating that people hoped the light would return indicates there was a real worry something would go wrong, but I do not think there is sufficient foreshadowing to support this. And it doesn't seem like the earth rebelled so much as the devil took over. We aren't talking mother nature with the hurricanes and tidal waves etc. Maybe rephrase?
Pipes, securely placed and carefully maintained, ruptured; their anger sending great gouts of flame skyward.
-The pipes aren't really angry, and after semi-colon you should have a complete sentence.
Smoke billowed from the ruptured earth<,> stealing oxygen from the air and painting the already darkened sky in shadows.
Choked by the suffocating heat and smoke I stood, trapped by my own fear and indecision.
-Needs rephrasing
Stingers, like those of a scorpion, dripping venom that hissed and steamed as it struck the ground.
-Not a complete sentence
Tearing my eyes from the fearful sight, I frantically looked about me; my eyes seeking anew a place I could escape the burning rock, the trembling earth and the screams that assailed my ears. It was by chance that my eyes swept over the crater in the street.
-You use "my eyes" twice here, maybe rephrase
The rest is more of the same, and I suggest you paste this piece into an editor like Microsoft word and hit the grammar check. Also, keep an eye out for over used words like devastation or any of its derivatives. I hope this was helpful, and I think with a little polishing it could be an awesome read.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2007
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OKAY... wow.... I think I'm dumb founded. Soooo... here's the dealio.... some of your suggestions I took with a grain of salt. Others I have used and incorperated into my story. I spent nearly two hours re-writing and editing. Since I took the time to actually DO that, would you mind going back through and letting me know if you find it any better? Thanks for your time and understanding.
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So like... I was going through all of these and wondering just where in the world you came from? How many reviews had you done (constructive reviews) before you plunged into demolishing my rank?
Comment from Marjorie D.
Yay! Now I can give you what I think this richly deserves, Ricouard! It really is outstanding!
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Only because of the editing issues, I had to give a four-star rating. Please, please ... give me a heads-up when it's ready and I will re-review and upgrade to what I really feel your story deserves, Ricouard.
This is fantastic. You've done a marvelous job. Your style of writing flows effortlessly and poetically despite the subject matter. You've made this a truly vivid and frightening writing.
...and the fork(-)tailed beast himself waiting to gloat over his victory.
...the never()-)ending stream of people...
Why this should be(,) they never really said.
...an ear(-)splitting crunch.
Every where (Everywhere) I looked(,) cars were exploding,...
In a queer sort of way(,) I was thankful it had passed over us, but inwardly I mourned at the new devastation it would bring.
...with a surge of fear(-)born strength,...
...as I pushed through the panic(-)stricken crowd...
...endured their heart wrenching (heartwrenching) pleas...
...and murder was common place (commonplace).
... stripping us of our hard(-)won wages.
...of the smoke(-)filled sky,...
(Whenever two words are used to create a single adjective, a hyphen should be used to join them.)
Rain, once the life(-)giving substance...
Super job! I'm betting it will be the winning entry.
Marjorie
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2007
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Yay! Now I can give you what I think this richly deserves, Ricouard! It really is outstanding!
*********************************************************************************************
Only because of the editing issues, I had to give a four-star rating. Please, please ... give me a heads-up when it's ready and I will re-review and upgrade to what I really feel your story deserves, Ricouard.
This is fantastic. You've done a marvelous job. Your style of writing flows effortlessly and poetically despite the subject matter. You've made this a truly vivid and frightening writing.
...and the fork(-)tailed beast himself waiting to gloat over his victory.
...the never()-)ending stream of people...
Why this should be(,) they never really said.
...an ear(-)splitting crunch.
Every where (Everywhere) I looked(,) cars were exploding,...
In a queer sort of way(,) I was thankful it had passed over us, but inwardly I mourned at the new devastation it would bring.
...with a surge of fear(-)born strength,...
...as I pushed through the panic(-)stricken crowd...
...endured their heart wrenching (heartwrenching) pleas...
...and murder was common place (commonplace).
... stripping us of our hard(-)won wages.
...of the smoke(-)filled sky,...
(Whenever two words are used to create a single adjective, a hyphen should be used to join them.)
Rain, once the life(-)giving substance...
Super job! I'm betting it will be the winning entry.
Marjorie
Comment Written 01-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2007
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Hi Marjorie... I have revamped the story and made the needed corrections. Would you mind too terribly going back to check it over again? Thank you in advance!!!!! I appreciate the help :-)
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Ricouard, I'm sorry, but I went back and can't see that any of the changes were made.
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Oops, that was my bad. I'm sorry. I actually had two tabs open, one on my edits, the other on the suggestions. Until you replied I didn't even relalize the changes hadn't been saved. Now I feel bad, but I'm glad you took the time to go back. I won't ask you to do it again, I'll leave the decision to you. Sorry once more and thanks.
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It definitely deserved another look, Ricouard. Mistakes happen! I should know; I make enough of them myself. I'm glad to have been able to give you an exceptional rating.
Marjorie
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OH Thank you, thank you, thank you! :-) I am soooo glad that you went back to read it again. I think that is the first exceptional rating I have ever gotten! I'm gonna go celebrate with CHEESE CAKE! :-)
Comment from shy1250
DAMN!! This is one gripping piece. Your descriptions are amazing - you use all of our senses to pull us into the piece, and then refuse to release us, even at the end. The only weakness I could see has to do with punctuation. Some complex words (ie fork tailed, never ending), need to be connected with a dash. Evil malevolence seemed redundant. Violence and fear claimed the rest - then how can u be writing this? A re-edit could clean this up, and I saw u were writing this for a contest - I'm not going to wish u luck, because U don't need it - the other contestants do tehe!! If the punctuation had been perfect, this would definitely be 6 stars (oh, and I'm watching a comedy tonight as this has nightmare material written all over it!!) God bless, shy
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2007
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DAMN!! This is one gripping piece. Your descriptions are amazing - you use all of our senses to pull us into the piece, and then refuse to release us, even at the end. The only weakness I could see has to do with punctuation. Some complex words (ie fork tailed, never ending), need to be connected with a dash. Evil malevolence seemed redundant. Violence and fear claimed the rest - then how can u be writing this? A re-edit could clean this up, and I saw u were writing this for a contest - I'm not going to wish u luck, because U don't need it - the other contestants do tehe!! If the punctuation had been perfect, this would definitely be 6 stars (oh, and I'm watching a comedy tonight as this has nightmare material written all over it!!) God bless, shy
Comment Written 01-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2007
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Aha... :-) Thank you for the help. I have gone back and made the necessary changes in punctuation. Hopefully, I caught them all. I am sooooooo glad that you enjoyed it. To be honest, I was a little worried that I had taken my descriptions overboard. Oh yeah... and the one point, violence and fear claimed the rest.... came after I had said only a handful remain. Just an fyi sort of thing :-P
I hope you're right about the contest... I would love to know I gave everyone a run for their money :-)
Thanks again for your helpful review AND the lovely stars!
Comment from cecil
Really excellent read. What a pleasure taken in your most descriptive words. Although the story is not one anyone would want to experience, the experience of reading it was superb. Demons actually coming to life in my head. The horror of the people suffering shook me to the bone. This story-line was more horrifing than the horror thrillers I have read. A great job in the writing with good punctuation to lend to a very easy read. Found no mistakes in this work. An excellent job. Good luck to you in the contest!
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2007
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Really excellent read. What a pleasure taken in your most descriptive words. Although the story is not one anyone would want to experience, the experience of reading it was superb. Demons actually coming to life in my head. The horror of the people suffering shook me to the bone. This story-line was more horrifing than the horror thrillers I have read. A great job in the writing with good punctuation to lend to a very easy read. Found no mistakes in this work. An excellent job. Good luck to you in the contest!
Comment Written 01-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2007
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Thank you so much for your lovely review! I am glad that you enjoyed it.... as for the contest--- fingers crossed :-)
Comment from Celtic~Soul
I liked your story, but I think it could use some work. I have a few suggestions for you. I hope you'll look at them constructively and apply them if you agree. Keep working at it; you've got a tremendous imagination. And don't worry about plagiarism of the Bible, I don't think the long-dead prophets will sue if you use a few of their phrases and even the Catholic church has no rights in this one! Suggestions: If everyone was staring at the eclipse there would have been a lot of retina damage and blindness, perhaps the story could be enriched by including the ways people found to look at the eclipse. I've seen one - you don't want to stare at it! Watch out for cliches and don't over-use your metaphors and similes. Watch your compound words and sentence fragments. Careful about writing "too high" a mistake among some aspiring fantasy writers that get into a mode where they write in some high tone that screams at the reader that it's fiction. Keeping language regular and, almost, common keeps the reader in the moment. Don't fall into melodrama. The "How long I hid...Hours? Days?" you may want to rework - no matter how much fear you had, after more than about 12 hours hunger and thirst would really be getting to you. Maybe be more specific. And: Did you mean maniacal hiss of flames? Let me know if you edit it, I'd like to take another read!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2007
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I liked your story, but I think it could use some work. I have a few suggestions for you. I hope you'll look at them constructively and apply them if you agree. Keep working at it; you've got a tremendous imagination. And don't worry about plagiarism of the Bible, I don't think the long-dead prophets will sue if you use a few of their phrases and even the Catholic church has no rights in this one! Suggestions: If everyone was staring at the eclipse there would have been a lot of retina damage and blindness, perhaps the story could be enriched by including the ways people found to look at the eclipse. I've seen one - you don't want to stare at it! Watch out for cliches and don't over-use your metaphors and similes. Watch your compound words and sentence fragments. Careful about writing "too high" a mistake among some aspiring fantasy writers that get into a mode where they write in some high tone that screams at the reader that it's fiction. Keeping language regular and, almost, common keeps the reader in the moment. Don't fall into melodrama. The "How long I hid...Hours? Days?" you may want to rework - no matter how much fear you had, after more than about 12 hours hunger and thirst would really be getting to you. Maybe be more specific. And: Did you mean maniacal hiss of flames? Let me know if you edit it, I'd like to take another read!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2007
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Thank you for your suggestions! I have to say, I didn't expect anyone on here to really apply themselves to helping. I will go back and see what I can do to improve it. AND I would be more than happy to let you know when the revisions are done :-) Thank you again!
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Okay... revamped version available. I keep hearing how it's a great story but that I have punctuation issues. So far all are excellent ratings (with one exception :-)... I'm hoping you won't mind going over it again and maybe helping me pin point these punctuation issues?
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I took another look. I like your rework of those areas I mentioned. I think if you could address some of your compound sentences and maybe reduce some of the clauses you use (maybe convert them to shorter sentences) that you'll find some of your punctuation issues will fix themselves. Don't be afraid to keep molding, it's worthy clay!
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Obie kabie kemosobi.... I went back and fixed MANY sentences... hacked a few to pieces.... chopped a few out... yaddida yaddida. If you wouldn't mind, maybe you could give it another read? I think you'll find it deserving of better marks :-D
Thanks a million!
G. Ricouard
Comment from penelope
Hi Ricouard, this held me captivated, terrified. You've really created a horrific apocalyptic vision here. It was extremely well written.
Just noticed that you repeated logic, logical etc. maybe a bit too often.
Also 'sulforos' should, I think be 'sulfurous'.
Lots of luck in the contest. Penelope
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2007
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Hi Ricouard, this held me captivated, terrified. You've really created a horrific apocalyptic vision here. It was extremely well written.
Just noticed that you repeated logic, logical etc. maybe a bit too often.
Also 'sulforos' should, I think be 'sulfurous'.
Lots of luck in the contest. Penelope
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2007
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Than you Penelope. I am glad that the story was able to captivate you and place place you within the writers terrified mind. I will go back and recheck the spelling and see what other words I can pull from the hat to replace some logics...lol
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You're welcome Ricuoard. T'was just a suggestion. Penelope