The Unwilling Heir
Viewing comments for Chapter 15 "The Unwilling Heir - Chap 15"A Mysterious Inheritance and Murders
16 total reviews
Comment from karenina
Oh, Carol. You've hit your stride and never let up with this story! Just as I was reeling from Madeline's rehabilitation in the last chapter, I now see Victoria has a mean streak befitting a ghoulish kind of ghost! You've got yourself a mansion-full of "spirited" individuals! (See what I did there, lol?)
I love your little injections of sarcastic humor:
"He stroked his long white beard before speaking. "Too bad you can't bottle that hot air. It wouldn't cost so much to heat this monstrosity of a house."
Heck, I'm all in. See you next chapter!
Karenina
reply by the author on 05-May-2024
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Oh, Carol. You've hit your stride and never let up with this story! Just as I was reeling from Madeline's rehabilitation in the last chapter, I now see Victoria has a mean streak befitting a ghoulish kind of ghost! You've got yourself a mansion-full of "spirited" individuals! (See what I did there, lol?)
I love your little injections of sarcastic humor:
"He stroked his long white beard before speaking. "Too bad you can't bottle that hot air. It wouldn't cost so much to heat this monstrosity of a house."
Heck, I'm all in. See you next chapter!
Karenina
Comment Written 05-May-2024
reply by the author on 05-May-2024
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Hello, sweet friend,
I like toying with the reader's thoughts and emotions regarding the characters.... because until I write the chapter I never know myself whether they will remain good or bad. Currently, Victoria is at the top of my list, but one never knows. Maybe the treasure, if found, will be too much for Madeline. Can you see the two women tugging a rare painting, and it suddenly breaks in half because it's so old. LOL And William has lived with Victoria for hundreds of years so he knows exactly how to bait her. Should be a fun ride.
Smiles, Carol
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It is a fun ride! (Especially since I can enjoy it from afar!)
Comment from robyn corum
Carol,
It's fun when you have several characters who can cause mayhem. Though I have not been faithful, I see so much potential with this plot and so many ways you could be sitting there rubbing your hands together like a mad woman and laughing hysterically... so many ways to cause misery and toss wrenches into the works. I think it's so fun!!
This was another chapter where I was mad at myself for my slow reading - I'm still trying! Lord willing - the world is still round, thank heavens, so I intend to get there. *smile*
In the meantime - here are a couple notes to look at:
1.) "I believe a gentleman is waiting for you outside.(")
2.) A loud chuckle burst from Lorrie's mouth, and her body shook with amusement.
--> no comma
3.) She'd been shunned as the mansion's mistress, and now, the forgiveness
--> no comma after 'mistress' please
3b.) as a side note - and I almost didn't leave this comment because I'm NOT caught up and that could have something to do with my comprehension, but the next part of this sentence-- "the forgiveness of Madeline's deceptions gnawed at her" --was kinda fuzzy. (so, just to be clear, the whole sentence is:)
--> "She'd been shunned as the mansion's mistress, and now, the forgiveness of Madeline's deceptions gnawed at her." -- Are you saying that Madeline had also been deceptive? Has Victoria tried to forgive Madeline? (because that does not sound like her nature. *smile* )
--> Or that she herself (Victoria) had been shunned and looked down on as a mistress - but now others had accepted Madeline (another mistress, from what I can tell) and forgiven her... but apparently Victoria was still considered a naughty girl. (Primarily because she has not repented, I would think, or tried--in any sense--to become something better.)
--> Or do you mean something else entirely different? I'm not altogether sure it's clear...?
4.) William's hand grabbed her arm, and his eyes glowed,
--> since you just had her glowing a sentence or two ago, maybe he could so something else here?
5.) She knelt beside him, softly running her hand
--> make sure you help the reader along - last I "saw" (in my head), he was standing and trying to avoid flying shoes. When did he transition to this position? OR did I miss something?
6.) promise as she concluded, "(t)here are fates far worse than death, my dear.
--> if this is just a continuation of the same sentence...right?
7.) a fleeting expression of irritation crossing her ethereal features
--> already used 'ethereal' when Victoria first came out on the porch to confront Madeline.
7b.) Which brings up an interesting note - you go directly from saying that everyone in the house is tuned in to the quite serious discussion between Victoria and ... the guy. Then Victoria appears on the porch. There doesn't seem to be any time or transitionary period in between. You might want to add a little something in there that shows the first thing ended so the second thing can begin?
Thanks so much! As always, I enjoyed!
reply by the author on 05-May-2024
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Carol,
It's fun when you have several characters who can cause mayhem. Though I have not been faithful, I see so much potential with this plot and so many ways you could be sitting there rubbing your hands together like a mad woman and laughing hysterically... so many ways to cause misery and toss wrenches into the works. I think it's so fun!!
This was another chapter where I was mad at myself for my slow reading - I'm still trying! Lord willing - the world is still round, thank heavens, so I intend to get there. *smile*
In the meantime - here are a couple notes to look at:
1.) "I believe a gentleman is waiting for you outside.(")
2.) A loud chuckle burst from Lorrie's mouth, and her body shook with amusement.
--> no comma
3.) She'd been shunned as the mansion's mistress, and now, the forgiveness
--> no comma after 'mistress' please
3b.) as a side note - and I almost didn't leave this comment because I'm NOT caught up and that could have something to do with my comprehension, but the next part of this sentence-- "the forgiveness of Madeline's deceptions gnawed at her" --was kinda fuzzy. (so, just to be clear, the whole sentence is:)
--> "She'd been shunned as the mansion's mistress, and now, the forgiveness of Madeline's deceptions gnawed at her." -- Are you saying that Madeline had also been deceptive? Has Victoria tried to forgive Madeline? (because that does not sound like her nature. *smile* )
--> Or that she herself (Victoria) had been shunned and looked down on as a mistress - but now others had accepted Madeline (another mistress, from what I can tell) and forgiven her... but apparently Victoria was still considered a naughty girl. (Primarily because she has not repented, I would think, or tried--in any sense--to become something better.)
--> Or do you mean something else entirely different? I'm not altogether sure it's clear...?
4.) William's hand grabbed her arm, and his eyes glowed,
--> since you just had her glowing a sentence or two ago, maybe he could so something else here?
5.) She knelt beside him, softly running her hand
--> make sure you help the reader along - last I "saw" (in my head), he was standing and trying to avoid flying shoes. When did he transition to this position? OR did I miss something?
6.) promise as she concluded, "(t)here are fates far worse than death, my dear.
--> if this is just a continuation of the same sentence...right?
7.) a fleeting expression of irritation crossing her ethereal features
--> already used 'ethereal' when Victoria first came out on the porch to confront Madeline.
7b.) Which brings up an interesting note - you go directly from saying that everyone in the house is tuned in to the quite serious discussion between Victoria and ... the guy. Then Victoria appears on the porch. There doesn't seem to be any time or transitionary period in between. You might want to add a little something in there that shows the first thing ended so the second thing can begin?
Thanks so much! As always, I enjoyed!
Comment Written 05-May-2024
reply by the author on 05-May-2024
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Thanks for the very thorough review. A lot of the story is confusing to you because you don't know the background. Madeline was despised by my readers because she was accused of murdering Noah...but actually she cheated on him and the guy killed Noah thinking that's what she wanted. She also stole the book that is needed to find the treasure and then it was lost. After a terrifying night of ghosts, a trial, and so much more, she awoke to a far different way of thinking. Now will it last...your guess is as good as mine. Now Victoria was the mistress...a long time ago and she felt (and still does) that she's better than most. I don't know if any of that clears up anything, but I hope so. As for the rest, I haven't gotten that far...but I am headed there now.
Smiles, Carol
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Another note as I am going through this.... When Victoria and William are talking, the people out side the door are other ghosts (evil ones) that live in the house as well (explained in earlier chapters. Downstairs a different set of ghosts (the ones trying to get out of purgatory) are gathered. Madeline was on the staircase listening and Lorrie did her magic and moved her to the kitchen and outside. This isn't the kind of story where you can skip around. It gets quite confusing. Smiles!
Comment from BethShelby
It looks like death does stop these spectors from doing some serious dammage. I guess they can't be killed since they are dead but it seems their fingernails can still draw blood. Victoria doesn't seem to be trying to get. Most of the character seem to working toward something. Victoria seem to want the treasure allthough I would think a ghost could do much with the treasure other than keeping someone else from getting it.
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reply by the author on 05-May-2024
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It looks like death does stop these spectors from doing some serious dammage. I guess they can't be killed since they are dead but it seems their fingernails can still draw blood. Victoria doesn't seem to be trying to get. Most of the character seem to working toward something. Victoria seem to want the treasure allthough I would think a ghost could do much with the treasure other than keeping someone else from getting it.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-May-2024
reply by the author on 05-May-2024
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Half want to keep the treasure for themselves and the other half want to return it to the rightful owners so that they can leave purgatory and enter the eternal hereafter. Unfortunately, Victoria is losing sight of what she desires and letting her "grievances" take control.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Victoria is not going to stop now, regardless of what William has said to her. But it also seems that Madeline is slowly redeaming herself with the other ghosts, especially now that Noah has let her know he never stopped loving her. What a fabulous story this is, Carol! I'm totally enthralled by it. I just love ghost and always have them in my grown up stories! LOL Well done, my dear clever friend. Love and hugs, Sandra xxx
reply by the author on 05-May-2024
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Victoria is not going to stop now, regardless of what William has said to her. But it also seems that Madeline is slowly redeaming herself with the other ghosts, especially now that Noah has let her know he never stopped loving her. What a fabulous story this is, Carol! I'm totally enthralled by it. I just love ghost and always have them in my grown up stories! LOL Well done, my dear clever friend. Love and hugs, Sandra xxx
Comment Written 05-May-2024
reply by the author on 05-May-2024
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Thank you, my dear friend. I believe Victoria might have bitten off more than she can chew and just might lose sight of what she really wanted....And Madeline, if she can stay away from Victoria, might have some allies in her corner. But with ghosts...one can never tell what they might do. At least my ghosts, for sure.
Smiles, hugs and love as always, Carol
Comment from barbara.wilkey
So, Lorrie is not a sweet little old lady, after all. She has a vicious strike. That should be interesting. I can't wait to read more. Thank you for sharing.
Victoria could sense the drop in temperature as William spoke. "Leave the (spoke,)
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reply by the author on 05-May-2024
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So, Lorrie is not a sweet little old lady, after all. She has a vicious strike. That should be interesting. I can't wait to read more. Thank you for sharing.
Victoria could sense the drop in temperature as William spoke. "Leave the (spoke,)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-May-2024
reply by the author on 05-May-2024
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I think Lorrie's heart is the grandmotherly type, but when backed into a corner, she does not fear bringing out the wooden spoon. Victoria may be sorry! Thanks for the kind review and for continuing to follow the story.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from Jasmine Girl
With its haunting imagery, atmospheric prose, and spine-tingling suspense, this chapter is a standout, leaving readers eagerly anticipating the next twist in the tale of this haunted mansion and its troubled inhabitants.
Excellent.
reply by the author on 05-May-2024
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With its haunting imagery, atmospheric prose, and spine-tingling suspense, this chapter is a standout, leaving readers eagerly anticipating the next twist in the tale of this haunted mansion and its troubled inhabitants.
Excellent.
Comment Written 05-May-2024
reply by the author on 05-May-2024
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Oh how absolutely kind of you. Thank you for putting a smile on my face. Writing this story has terrified me...not because of the ghosts but because I didn't think I was capable of writing this genre. I am thrilled that you enjoyed it.
Smiles, Carol