The Unwilling Heir
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "The Unwilling Heir - Chap 2"A Mysterious Inheritance and Murders
17 total reviews
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
This is quite good and very interesting as they didn't exactly tell her anything except a reason to dislike Madeline, who has already proved she isn't likeable. So you now have a woman trying to convince herself that ghosts don't exist. Looking forward to next chapter.
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2024
  |
This is quite good and very interesting as they didn't exactly tell her anything except a reason to dislike Madeline, who has already proved she isn't likeable. So you now have a woman trying to convince herself that ghosts don't exist. Looking forward to next chapter.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2024
-
I appreciate all your kindness and the review, but I think too many are struggling with following the story... I need to pause and revamp.
Hugs, Carol
Comment from Julie Helms
Hmmm, murder mystery, supernatural thriller, a couple possibilities here.
The following passage I didn't quite get what happened. Did she trip? Or all in her head?
)))Suddenly, she felt herself falling, and then she didn't.
"Gotcha." [...]
She saw the tipped-over headstone covered in moss and felt foolish. Boo! (((
Is this going to be novella length? The reason I'm asking is that you are zooming through information pretty quickly. The revealing of what all the mystery entails could definitely be drawn out, revealed over time. It doesn't need to all happen in the 2nd chapter of the book. You've given the reader a cast of new characters to sort through and a complex investigation at the start. It's a lot. But if you have a word number crunch, then you have to make it fit.
Great writing as usual and engaging plot.
Julie
:-)
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2024
|
Hmmm, murder mystery, supernatural thriller, a couple possibilities here.
The following passage I didn't quite get what happened. Did she trip? Or all in her head?
)))Suddenly, she felt herself falling, and then she didn't.
"Gotcha." [...]
She saw the tipped-over headstone covered in moss and felt foolish. Boo! (((
Is this going to be novella length? The reason I'm asking is that you are zooming through information pretty quickly. The revealing of what all the mystery entails could definitely be drawn out, revealed over time. It doesn't need to all happen in the 2nd chapter of the book. You've given the reader a cast of new characters to sort through and a complex investigation at the start. It's a lot. But if you have a word number crunch, then you have to make it fit.
Great writing as usual and engaging plot.
Julie
:-)
Comment Written 25-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2024
-
Hello! I'm caught between a rock and a hard spot it seems. I didn't want to introduce Benny,Ryan and the Judge as ghosts in the beginning, but they needed to be part of the story. This is a new one for me...maybe I've bitten off more than I can chew.
Yes, the ghost caught her but left her feeling at she'd tripped or did she? Gotcha was the helping hand!
Maybe I should just forget it! Thanks for your thoughts.
Smiles, Carol
-
Oops, I missed the guys being ghosts altogether. But do not go by what I say. I get focused on the editing and I do miss context clues for plot. I absolutely would not forget it all together. I would just unwind it more slowly. See what other people are saying who are not with their heads buried in the grammar. Lol!
-
I appreciate your comments and suggestions. Like I said this is far over my head...but I can't reveal everything at once or a chapter would be 10,000 words. lol Feel free to tell me what you think...I am open to hearing them even if I don't know how to fix everything.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
You crammed an awful lot into this chapter.I wanna know more background stuff. Tell me about Benny with no job. This story isn't for a contest so you can take your time and write however you want,
Karen
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2024
|
You crammed an awful lot into this chapter.I wanna know more background stuff. Tell me about Benny with no job. This story isn't for a contest so you can take your time and write however you want,
Karen
Comment Written 25-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2024
-
I can't give you the background stuff yet without revealing too much. This is out of my league I think...I've never wrote about ghost and murders and then added some humor. Open to suggestions. I've got six chapters written...I don't want to ruin the story unless you want to know.
Smiles, Carol
-
I gave you my email.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Sandra is getting herself into much more than she could ever imagine and it's going to be a great story. I can feel it.
James laughed, "My guess is it's no animal. Give her a second, and you will see." (laughed. not a speech tag)
Ryan scowled, "I haven't! (scowled is a facial expression not a speech tag. scowled.)
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2024
|
Sandra is getting herself into much more than she could ever imagine and it's going to be a great story. I can feel it.
James laughed, "My guess is it's no animal. Give her a second, and you will see." (laughed. not a speech tag)
Ryan scowled, "I haven't! (scowled is a facial expression not a speech tag. scowled.)
Comment Written 25-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2024
-
Thanks Barbara. I needed a boost. I've only had a few reviews and I was worried the story might not be worth reading. In my head it is, but on paper, I wasn't sure. I fixed the punctuation. Thank you!
Smiles, Carol
Comment from royowen
I'll share with you what I thought when I read the first chapter, Caro, I honestly thought I'd missed some previous chapters, I don't think you can change that without sine background on the characters, only stage scripts can do that. Sorry love, I know how frustrating, that, you probably know the characters, but the readers don't, bless you, Roy
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2024
|
I'll share with you what I thought when I read the first chapter, Caro, I honestly thought I'd missed some previous chapters, I don't think you can change that without sine background on the characters, only stage scripts can do that. Sorry love, I know how frustrating, that, you probably know the characters, but the readers don't, bless you, Roy
Comment Written 25-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2024
-
I didn't want to give away who the three men really are just yet... any suggestions? I so appreciate them because this isn't one of my usual stories and I'm swimming up stream. There were subtle clues but I now realize if the reader wasn't looking for them, they would have missed them. I'll reread and see if I can leave bigger clues...please jump in. Thanks, Roy.
Smiles, Carol
-
It was late when I read it Carol, I won?t stop reading, I can usually pick up the thread.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Carol,
Another good instalment here and the confusion of Sandra comes across very well as does her franticness. having her a fledgling reporter makes more sense.
'Hey guys, look at the dame hanging on James's arm. No offense, ma'am, but I was really hoping for donuts." - change the opening marks to double ones to match the closing ones.
An ear-piercing scream echoed off the rustling lilac branches, drawing everyone's attention toward the blooming hedge.- not sure about the use of echoed here, off branches. You could just say 'burst through'.
"Wait till I get my bloody hands on you, ninnies."- probably don't need the comma here as it isn't a direct addressment.
"I'll will be beaten you with my broom, for sure."- either I will or I'll here, not both. I'd maybe use beatin' rather than beaten.
Why hasn't she queried why she was left the property? This seems peculiar.
All the best
G
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2024
|
Hi Carol,
Another good instalment here and the confusion of Sandra comes across very well as does her franticness. having her a fledgling reporter makes more sense.
'Hey guys, look at the dame hanging on James's arm. No offense, ma'am, but I was really hoping for donuts." - change the opening marks to double ones to match the closing ones.
An ear-piercing scream echoed off the rustling lilac branches, drawing everyone's attention toward the blooming hedge.- not sure about the use of echoed here, off branches. You could just say 'burst through'.
"Wait till I get my bloody hands on you, ninnies."- probably don't need the comma here as it isn't a direct addressment.
"I'll will be beaten you with my broom, for sure."- either I will or I'll here, not both. I'd maybe use beatin' rather than beaten.
Why hasn't she queried why she was left the property? This seems peculiar.
All the best
G
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2024
-
Oh, you are so kind, and I appreciate it. I should have caught these mistakes myself. I guess I'm so worried about coming across right..or as an old lady, I'm slipping. LOL I've used your suggestions and thank you. As for questioning the inheritance, she only had that day to fulfill the funeral condition and then so much happened... but the next chapter addresses that and more. Thank you again and please feel free to straighten me out.
Smiles, Carol
-
This is very enjoyable
-
Thank you! I'm scare to death! LOL
Comment from BethShelby
I haven't decided yet it this is a comedy or a supernatural story. Maybe all of that and a murder mystery as well. It doesn't sound like the kind of story Garth would get involved. I pretty sure that cowboy don't believe in ghosts. Looking forward to more.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2024
|
I haven't decided yet it this is a comedy or a supernatural story. Maybe all of that and a murder mystery as well. It doesn't sound like the kind of story Garth would get involved. I pretty sure that cowboy don't believe in ghosts. Looking forward to more.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2024
-
No, I don't think the cowboy will ride into this one. It's a mixture of everything except him. LOL Please let me know if you think I need to change things.
Smiles, Carol