The Unwilling Heir
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "The Unwilling Heir - Chap 1"A Mysterious Inheritance and Murders
17 total reviews
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
A judge, detective, and two others talk about killing a woman. A bad woman is widowed by murder. A stranger is gifted the mansion, and the four men are butting into all of it. Have I got it so far? Take a breath and breathe lady! Good work. Karen
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2024
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A judge, detective, and two others talk about killing a woman. A bad woman is widowed by murder. A stranger is gifted the mansion, and the four men are butting into all of it. Have I got it so far? Take a breath and breathe lady! Good work. Karen
Comment Written 24-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2024
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Actually, the don't really want to murder her...and the four men are bonded together by the man whose funeral it was. But otherwise you're on a roll. LOL
Smiles, Carol
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Love your stuff. Karen
Comment from Esther Brown
Here you go again, trapping the unsuspecting reader and tying me into your story! I already have strong feelings for your characters. Dialogue carries the action and descriptive touches add dimension. I will wait eagerly for the next chapter. Esther
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2024
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Here you go again, trapping the unsuspecting reader and tying me into your story! I already have strong feelings for your characters. Dialogue carries the action and descriptive touches add dimension. I will wait eagerly for the next chapter. Esther
Comment Written 24-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2024
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Thanks Esther! I am mixing humor with mystery and I'm not very good at that. Let me know if you see me messing up. Thanks for reading and the kind thoughts. Bless you! And the stars.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from barbara.wilkey
You have piqued my interest and I can't wait to read more. Great start.
No one cares what you think." Ryan snarled. (think,")
James sighed, "The procession is coming up the hill." (sighed.)
"It was mine. It reminds me how Noah would do anything for me," Madeline smiled. (me.")
James chuckled, "You were down and out when he rescued you from the streets." (chuckled.)
"You and I know your marriage was a shame. (sham?????)
She moved toward Noah's casket and sobbed, "Noah, darling, do you see his cruelty now?" (sobbed.)
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2024
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You have piqued my interest and I can't wait to read more. Great start.
No one cares what you think." Ryan snarled. (think,")
James sighed, "The procession is coming up the hill." (sighed.)
"It was mine. It reminds me how Noah would do anything for me," Madeline smiled. (me.")
James chuckled, "You were down and out when he rescued you from the streets." (chuckled.)
"You and I know your marriage was a shame. (sham?????)
She moved toward Noah's casket and sobbed, "Noah, darling, do you see his cruelty now?" (sobbed.)
Comment Written 24-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2024
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Darn...I will never get it right!!! Though I was so frustrated with the humor part that I am sure I didn't even notice the rest. I'm not good at funny. Thank heavens I have you standing by to set me straight. Please feel free to nudge the storyline if it's not unfolding with any interest.
Smiles, Carol
Fixed and thank you!
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I know it'll be great.
Comment from Julie Helms
What a surprise...no break between novels?? You are a powerhouse, brimming over with ideas! I'm still recovering from the novel I wrote, 5 years ago!!
Anyway, this one has a very intriguing beginning with a large cast of characters. It kept my interest through to the end. Very nice!
"It's the only way." Judge Parker said firmly (Use a comma after 'way'. It felt like a lot of sentence tags in this selection. Try to drop any you don't need. Use actions instead: "It's the only way." Judge Parker's eyes narrowed...)
and mimicked the sound of a gun, holding up his finger, "Pop! Pop!" (Pick one or the other. Either tell us he mimics, OR the Pop Pop.)
Too much face twisting too close together. I'd reword one.
1.Sandra noticed Madeline, the widow, standing at the head of the casket. Anguish twisted her face,
2.Her face twisted into a scowl as she recognized Sandra.
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2024
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What a surprise...no break between novels?? You are a powerhouse, brimming over with ideas! I'm still recovering from the novel I wrote, 5 years ago!!
Anyway, this one has a very intriguing beginning with a large cast of characters. It kept my interest through to the end. Very nice!
"It's the only way." Judge Parker said firmly (Use a comma after 'way'. It felt like a lot of sentence tags in this selection. Try to drop any you don't need. Use actions instead: "It's the only way." Judge Parker's eyes narrowed...)
and mimicked the sound of a gun, holding up his finger, "Pop! Pop!" (Pick one or the other. Either tell us he mimics, OR the Pop Pop.)
Too much face twisting too close together. I'd reword one.
1.Sandra noticed Madeline, the widow, standing at the head of the casket. Anguish twisted her face,
2.Her face twisted into a scowl as she recognized Sandra.
Comment Written 24-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2024
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Good morning! Nice to see your smiling face again. I thought I was taking a break, but this idea popped in my head a few days ago and I started writing....5 chapters. This morning I woke at three and had an entirely different idea.... which I tried to make changes. Good thing I have trusty backup, my friend. Thanks so much! I made the changes and appreciate it.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from BethShelby
I was surprised to see this. I thought you were taking a break until after Easter. It was good surprise because I always enjoy what you write. This is starting out a little differently with a mystery about what is going on here. It will be interesting to learn more.
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2024
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I was surprised to see this. I thought you were taking a break until after Easter. It was good surprise because I always enjoy what you write. This is starting out a little differently with a mystery about what is going on here. It will be interesting to learn more.
Comment Written 24-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2024
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Good morning, Beth...
I thought I was taking a break, too. LOL but this story idea crept into my head and I started writing. I've never mixed humor with mystery so I'm not sure I'll get it right, but what the heck, it's a learning curve.
Thanks so much for checking it out!
Have a great day!
Smiles, Carol
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
This was a very enjoyable read. good tone to the piece and the characters, on the whole, seem well-worked out.
I made some notes as I read through with some things yu might consider having a look at-
"Benny sneered, "You're nuts! I wouldn't put that bag of bones in the same box as Noah. He was my friend, remember?" - delete the speech marks from the very beginning here.
e pointed his finger at the widow and mimicked the sound of a gun, holding up his finger, "Pop! Pop!" - personally, I'd remove the pops from the end. They don't need to be there. Guns don't sound like that anyway. Saying he mimicked the noise is enough for the reader. this is just doubling down and unnecessary.
You could also do away with some of the speech tags. If the dialogue comes when the character has already been named in the sentence / paragraph or its their obvious action then the tag doesn't need to be there.
As Madeline entered the tent, James greeted her and led her toward a seat. "Was this song your choice or Noah's?" - at this point, the reader doesn't know who Madeline is. It may be an idea to mention here name when the widow is introduced in the previous paragraph just for clarity.
She hissed, "Friends! Almost a couple, I'd say. My husband spent more time in the carriage house garden with you than with me."- I would rethink hissed here as a tag. It's not a good one. Try actually hissing those sentences out loud - not easy.
James walked away, leaving her so-called friends to comfort her.- maybe consider having this last line on a line of its own given that what comes before is all centred on Madeline and not James.
She had parked her car further away from the procession - generally speaking it's farther for physical distance.
a gift from her fianc�©, Michael.- this edited for code.
excited to meet Sandra Monroe, the investigative reporter and the woman who inherited the mansion. - my immediate thought here was that if she was an investigative reporter, wouldn't she have checked everything out beforehand?
All the best
GMG
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reply by the author on 24-Mar-2024
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Hi there,
This was a very enjoyable read. good tone to the piece and the characters, on the whole, seem well-worked out.
I made some notes as I read through with some things yu might consider having a look at-
"Benny sneered, "You're nuts! I wouldn't put that bag of bones in the same box as Noah. He was my friend, remember?" - delete the speech marks from the very beginning here.
e pointed his finger at the widow and mimicked the sound of a gun, holding up his finger, "Pop! Pop!" - personally, I'd remove the pops from the end. They don't need to be there. Guns don't sound like that anyway. Saying he mimicked the noise is enough for the reader. this is just doubling down and unnecessary.
You could also do away with some of the speech tags. If the dialogue comes when the character has already been named in the sentence / paragraph or its their obvious action then the tag doesn't need to be there.
As Madeline entered the tent, James greeted her and led her toward a seat. "Was this song your choice or Noah's?" - at this point, the reader doesn't know who Madeline is. It may be an idea to mention here name when the widow is introduced in the previous paragraph just for clarity.
She hissed, "Friends! Almost a couple, I'd say. My husband spent more time in the carriage house garden with you than with me."- I would rethink hissed here as a tag. It's not a good one. Try actually hissing those sentences out loud - not easy.
James walked away, leaving her so-called friends to comfort her.- maybe consider having this last line on a line of its own given that what comes before is all centred on Madeline and not James.
She had parked her car further away from the procession - generally speaking it's farther for physical distance.
a gift from her fianc�©, Michael.- this edited for code.
excited to meet Sandra Monroe, the investigative reporter and the woman who inherited the mansion. - my immediate thought here was that if she was an investigative reporter, wouldn't she have checked everything out beforehand?
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 24-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2024
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Awesome! I can't thank you enough. This is my first attempt at mixing humor with mystery so I appreciate all comments and suggestions. I woke up at 3 this morning, reread the chapter and started making changes...not a good idea when you are half asleep. I appreciate all the help and have made the suggestions. Thank you again and please feel free to follow and keep me on a straight line.
Have a great day!
Smiles, Carol
Comment from Wendy G
Another novel already! A brilliant beginning, and I can see the plot will have lots of complex relationships and twists and turns as you develop it. I love your style!
Wendy
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reply by the author on 24-Mar-2024
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Another novel already! A brilliant beginning, and I can see the plot will have lots of complex relationships and twists and turns as you develop it. I love your style!
Wendy
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 24-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2024
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Good day, Wendy...I didn't expect some one so fast to read, but I am happy it was you. I have never attempted mystery with humor so I hope I can hold it together... along with a few other surprises. Thanks so much!
Smiles, Carol
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Just about to head for bed, but I couldn?t resist reading it first. I enjoy all your writing. Partly because your plots are not predictable. I ?m sure you will be excellent at whatever you put your hand to.
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Thank you, WEndy...it does have some surprises. Good night and sweet dreams.