The Fix
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "The Fix - Chapter One"A mother fights to prove her son's innocence
18 total reviews
Comment from Lisasview
Hi Jacob,
It has been quite awhile since we connected.
For some reason I am not getting your posts on my messages and I am assuming you are not getting mine? I decided to check your portfolio and found this great story. Always, good to check portfolios...
I am not a professional editor but I did pick up on an few very small things that I think you should double check
"out of his wound." Perhaps this should be out from his wounds.
and his eyes had found mine. No need for the word HAD here... and his eyes found mine.
"glances just once in our direction and his eyes find mine." I do think it would be OUR DIRECTION... I think MY DIRECTION because Jacob knows exactly where his father is standing.
Just a bit of editing,
Lisasview
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2024
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Hi Jacob,
It has been quite awhile since we connected.
For some reason I am not getting your posts on my messages and I am assuming you are not getting mine? I decided to check your portfolio and found this great story. Always, good to check portfolios...
I am not a professional editor but I did pick up on an few very small things that I think you should double check
"out of his wound." Perhaps this should be out from his wounds.
and his eyes had found mine. No need for the word HAD here... and his eyes found mine.
"glances just once in our direction and his eyes find mine." I do think it would be OUR DIRECTION... I think MY DIRECTION because Jacob knows exactly where his father is standing.
Just a bit of editing,
Lisasview
Comment Written 05-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2024
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Thank you Lisa for the six stars. I'm really pleased that you enjoyed it.
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Well, what about the ideas Jacob?
Reviewing is supre important to me..
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
This is a compelling first chapter and certainly leaves the reader wanting more. What was his crime? What will his mother do to "prove it"?
The title is a hint as to the theme of the book; I assume Mom is going to be the central character trying to fix the outcome of her son's trial. I wish you luck writing this.
My only suggestion is that you occasionally use the same word several times in the same paragraph. If you read through it, you'll understand what I mean. I Google synonyms when I do that, only because it is noticeable to the reader and can take them out of the story momentarily. Just a thought.
Good luck with your new project.
xo
Pam
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2024
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This is a compelling first chapter and certainly leaves the reader wanting more. What was his crime? What will his mother do to "prove it"?
The title is a hint as to the theme of the book; I assume Mom is going to be the central character trying to fix the outcome of her son's trial. I wish you luck writing this.
My only suggestion is that you occasionally use the same word several times in the same paragraph. If you read through it, you'll understand what I mean. I Google synonyms when I do that, only because it is noticeable to the reader and can take them out of the story momentarily. Just a thought.
Good luck with your new project.
xo
Pam
Comment Written 05-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2024
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Thank you Pam, it's in its very early stages at the moment. I'm pleased that you enjoyed it.
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
Wow Jacob, this sounds like an exciting story you have written here and I wonder how this will turn out? Have you published this book already? Your opening chapter is full of intrigue and well delivered, much enjoyed, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2024
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Wow Jacob, this sounds like an exciting story you have written here and I wonder how this will turn out? Have you published this book already? Your opening chapter is full of intrigue and well delivered, much enjoyed, love Dolly x
Comment Written 05-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2024
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Thank you Dolly, no I haven?t published it it?s only in its very early stages at the moment. Thank you for the six stars.
Comment from Daylily
I love to read dramatic courtroom scenes and you have done a superb job with this one. I am eager to follow the story.
My only suggestion is to check the font at the end of the second paragraph. On my computer, it is not the same size as the font in the rest of the story. It is an easy thing to fix.
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2024
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I love to read dramatic courtroom scenes and you have done a superb job with this one. I am eager to follow the story.
My only suggestion is to check the font at the end of the second paragraph. On my computer, it is not the same size as the font in the rest of the story. It is an easy thing to fix.
Comment Written 04-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2024
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Thank you for the six stars I?m really pleased that you enjoyed it. Sometimes it changes the font when I edit it which is really annoying.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
You have me already deep into this story. I can't wait to see if Joshua is really innocent or not and what is the crime, he's found guilty of. Mothers often believe their child is innocent. Is he really, how will she really find out. This is a very good write.
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2024
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You have me already deep into this story. I can't wait to see if Joshua is really innocent or not and what is the crime, he's found guilty of. Mothers often believe their child is innocent. Is he really, how will she really find out. This is a very good write.
Comment Written 04-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2024
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Thank you Barbara I?m pleased that you enjoyed it.
Comment from John Ciarmello
Your writing is intense, Jacob. I didn't take my eyes away from this until the end.
A perfect first-chapter snippet of guilt or innocence told through his mother's eyes.
The opening was captivating.
Best, JohnC
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2024
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Your writing is intense, Jacob. I didn't take my eyes away from this until the end.
A perfect first-chapter snippet of guilt or innocence told through his mother's eyes.
The opening was captivating.
Best, JohnC
Comment Written 04-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2024
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Thank you John, I'm pleased that you enjoyed it.
Comment from BethShelby
This is an excellent start for a new story that is bound to have a lot of drama an emotion. I am anxious to read more anr find out the details of the murder and why this young man has been acused and convicted.
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reply by the author on 04-Feb-2024
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This is an excellent start for a new story that is bound to have a lot of drama an emotion. I am anxious to read more anr find out the details of the murder and why this young man has been acused and convicted.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 04-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2024
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Thank you Beth, I'm pleased that you enjoyed it.
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
Another story, Jacob! This one is much more up my street after the space fantasy. It's well structured, bringing your reader immediately and evocatively into the scene and the suspense. And offers an intriguing plot ahead. Small edit: A woman in(,) I suspect, her early fifties. Thanks for sharing. Debbie
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2024
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Another story, Jacob! This one is much more up my street after the space fantasy. It's well structured, bringing your reader immediately and evocatively into the scene and the suspense. And offers an intriguing plot ahead. Small edit: A woman in(,) I suspect, her early fifties. Thanks for sharing. Debbie
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 04-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2024
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Thank you Debbie, I'm pleased that you enjoyed it. It's in it's early stages at the moment, but I thought I'd share what I'm working on to get some feedback.