The Will
This is a first chapter about a family.22 total reviews
Comment from Sabrina H.
Great first chapter to hook a reader. I like your use of dialogue and descriptive word use. I look forward to reading more chapters. Best of luck on the contest.
Keep writing:)
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2024
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Great first chapter to hook a reader. I like your use of dialogue and descriptive word use. I look forward to reading more chapters. Best of luck on the contest.
Keep writing:)
Comment Written 18-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2024
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Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the many staars. Have a blessed day.
Comment from Teri7
You did a great job with A First Book chapter contest. You used great descriptive words that were interesting from start to finish. Best wishes in the contest. Teri
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2024
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You did a great job with A First Book chapter contest. You used great descriptive words that were interesting from start to finish. Best wishes in the contest. Teri
Comment Written 17-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2024
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the many stars. Have a blessed day.
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You are so welcome! I hope you have a very happy and very blessed day! love and blessings, Teri
Comment from LJbutterfly
This is an intriguing beginning for a story. I was surprised and disappointed when the doctor said Olive had passed. However, the story continues with mystery and suspense. You are off to a great start. I look forward to Chapter two. Best wishes in the contest.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2024
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This is an intriguing beginning for a story. I was surprised and disappointed when the doctor said Olive had passed. However, the story continues with mystery and suspense. You are off to a great start. I look forward to Chapter two. Best wishes in the contest.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2024
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the many stars. Have a blessed day.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I enjoyed reading this contest entry and I hope you continue this story. I can't wait to see what the note says. Good luck with the contest.
"Let's go get coffee, (You don't need 'go' in this sentence.)
Dr. Cortez came in and sat next to Sara (sat beside Sara)
"There is no easy way to say this, "your mom has passed." (omit the quotation marks before 'your')
With the funeral behind them, Sara spent a day writing thank-you notes (period after 'notes.')
The next day was the reading of Olive's Will. (The following day)
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2024
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I enjoyed reading this contest entry and I hope you continue this story. I can't wait to see what the note says. Good luck with the contest.
"Let's go get coffee, (You don't need 'go' in this sentence.)
Dr. Cortez came in and sat next to Sara (sat beside Sara)
"There is no easy way to say this, "your mom has passed." (omit the quotation marks before 'your')
With the funeral behind them, Sara spent a day writing thank-you notes (period after 'notes.')
The next day was the reading of Olive's Will. (The following day)
Comment Written 17-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2024
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Thank you for reading and I I appreciate the feedback. Thank you for the many stars. Have a blessed day.
Comment from royowen
It pretty hard when parents pass, we have lost both sets of parents, although only dad had anything to read, it was still difficult. My wife's dad was completely organised. But they are major milestones, one literally become the heads of families. Beautifully written Elizabeth, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2024
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It pretty hard when parents pass, we have lost both sets of parents, although only dad had anything to read, it was still difficult. My wife's dad was completely organised. But they are major milestones, one literally become the heads of families. Beautifully written Elizabeth, blessings Roy
Comment Written 17-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2024
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Thank for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the many stars. Have a blessed day.
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Most welcome
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Most welcome
Comment from Ric Myworld
We never know the reasoning behind how and why anyone handles a certain situation a particular way, but hopefully the letter will explain. Otherwise, Sara has the money now and should just enjoy it. LOL.
Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2024
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We never know the reasoning behind how and why anyone handles a certain situation a particular way, but hopefully the letter will explain. Otherwise, Sara has the money now and should just enjoy it. LOL.
Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2024
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the many stars. Have a blessed day.
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
Well, that was just hateful! Winding us up and then, nothing. But, it will make me come back to read more. Sneaky. Good clear writing. Write another one.
:-) Karen
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2024
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Well, that was just hateful! Winding us up and then, nothing. But, it will make me come back to read more. Sneaky. Good clear writing. Write another one.
:-) Karen
Comment Written 16-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2024
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Thankyou for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the many stars. Have a blessed day.
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:-)
Comment from lyenochka
Great editing! I felt the action flowed well and I liked the additional dialogue. I liked how you set a new discovery about Sara not being biologically related to her mother and the tension she feels about how to communicate love to her own daughter. You established your characters well.
There were a few minor quotation nits like:
â??Terribleâ??. I thought (no close quotes as speech continues)
She whispered, Thank you.â?? (Open quotes needed)
Walking back home, â??That was a pleasant surpriseâ??. Stated Ben.
(Walking back home, Ben said, "That was a pleasant surprise.")
How are we going to handle this? Ben asked Sara. (quotes needed)
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You did a great job with this first chapter. It's perfect for a Fanstory post. But since this is for a contest, you will have to stretch it to a full 2,000 words. I checked and I think yours was 958 words.
There are several places where I thought the story just skipped ahead like in a video fast forward. I would like to know more of the cafeteria. More about how the mother looked before they left. More about the funeral or the time leading to the funeral. Lots of places to add more information. Best wishes in the contest!
One more suggestion:
Figure [it] out."
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2024
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Great editing! I felt the action flowed well and I liked the additional dialogue. I liked how you set a new discovery about Sara not being biologically related to her mother and the tension she feels about how to communicate love to her own daughter. You established your characters well.
There were a few minor quotation nits like:
â??Terribleâ??. I thought (no close quotes as speech continues)
She whispered, Thank you.â?? (Open quotes needed)
Walking back home, â??That was a pleasant surpriseâ??. Stated Ben.
(Walking back home, Ben said, "That was a pleasant surprise.")
How are we going to handle this? Ben asked Sara. (quotes needed)
-------------------
You did a great job with this first chapter. It's perfect for a Fanstory post. But since this is for a contest, you will have to stretch it to a full 2,000 words. I checked and I think yours was 958 words.
There are several places where I thought the story just skipped ahead like in a video fast forward. I would like to know more of the cafeteria. More about how the mother looked before they left. More about the funeral or the time leading to the funeral. Lots of places to add more information. Best wishes in the contest!
One more suggestion:
Figure [it] out."
Comment Written 16-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2024
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Thanks for the feedback. I meant to check word count requirement.I will pull it and add words.
Comment from Mia Twysted
You had a good cliffhanger here. I am left wondering what is in the envelope. I did feel though you described her torment and sadness, I didn't connect with her pain.
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2024
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You had a good cliffhanger here. I am left wondering what is in the envelope. I did feel though you described her torment and sadness, I didn't connect with her pain.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2024
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the many stars. Have a blessed day.
Comment from Julie Helms
This is a good first chapter. It starts in the middle of an event which always draws a reader in, and there is mystery about the secret.
I have a couple suggestions for typos/corrections:
You have the doctor listed variously as Doctor Cortez, Dr Cortez and Dr. Cortez. I would make all of them the same.
"Would you like to see her?" Sara nodded her head yes.
The way you have the above line spaced, it indicates that Sara spoke the question. Just put "Sara" into a new paragraph and leave the question as is and then it is obviously the doctor speaking.
I look forward to future installments. Thanks for sharing! Julie.
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2024
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This is a good first chapter. It starts in the middle of an event which always draws a reader in, and there is mystery about the secret.
I have a couple suggestions for typos/corrections:
You have the doctor listed variously as Doctor Cortez, Dr Cortez and Dr. Cortez. I would make all of them the same.
"Would you like to see her?" Sara nodded her head yes.
The way you have the above line spaced, it indicates that Sara spoke the question. Just put "Sara" into a new paragraph and leave the question as is and then it is obviously the doctor speaking.
I look forward to future installments. Thanks for sharing! Julie.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2024
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the feedback. I will check those. Have a blessed day.