Loves Always to Blame.
Western Ballad in 8-6-8-6 format.29 total reviews
Comment from Lea Tonin1
This is a great ballad/poem! And a very cool story in there too I like cowboy stories and you made a good one! It's hard to pick a favorite line since this whole thing is connected so it's all good! I think this is a fine entry You've got sublime word choices and a wonderful story to tell! I see no issues with grammar sentence structure subject matter or aesthetics you've done a great job with this it's a fine entry I wish you best of luck hope you're having a great day!
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2024
  |
This is a great ballad/poem! And a very cool story in there too I like cowboy stories and you made a good one! It's hard to pick a favorite line since this whole thing is connected so it's all good! I think this is a fine entry You've got sublime word choices and a wonderful story to tell! I see no issues with grammar sentence structure subject matter or aesthetics you've done a great job with this it's a fine entry I wish you best of luck hope you're having a great day!
Comment Written 12-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2024
-
Thank you, Lea. I always have a great day when you review my work.
All the best, Yard.
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
This is an entertaining poem and I enjoyed the journey, loved the language as it gave the whole poem an authentic feel. Great rhymes, although the metre is a bit bumpy in places. A skilful write, inventive and clever, much enjoyed, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2024
|
This is an entertaining poem and I enjoyed the journey, loved the language as it gave the whole poem an authentic feel. Great rhymes, although the metre is a bit bumpy in places. A skilful write, inventive and clever, much enjoyed, love Dolly x
Comment Written 12-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2024
-
As Sastchmo would say, "Hello Dolly..." I've wanted to say that for some time. (;-) Now down to business. Could you take a little time and give me an illustration of one of the meter bumps? I wrote the original piece as a musical/song ballad where 'bumps' can be covered with voice inflection. How does one balance syllable count with grammar, punctuation, and story line while avoiding meter bumps? There's no rush, I'd like to get a little more feed back from you. Much thanks in advance, Yard.
-
I am assuming you want to stick to iambic metre, so I will correct your poem to bring it into metre as follows:
THE WIND BLEW COLD THAT WINTER NIGHT
ACROSS THE FROZEN PLAIN,
JACK SET HIS SIGHTS ON DEAD WOOD GULCH
WITH TEXAS SLIM TO BLAME.
THE HOLE IN HIS SOUL SOUGHT REVENGE
(The hole inside his soul had sought revenge)
FUELED WITH A BROKEN HEART,
HE GAVE BISCUIT FREE REIGN TO RUN
(and Biscuit had free reign to run)
AND THE BAY DID HIS PART.
(the bay would play his part)
BITTER WIND FROZE JACK'S LEATHERED FACE
The bitter wind froze Jack's worn face)
THICK SNOWBANKS SLOWED THEM DOWN,
EAGER BISQUIT STUMBLED THEN REARED
(and eager Bisquit stumbled, reared)
DETERMINED THEY PLOWED TO TOWN.
(determined, plowed to town)
SOME SAY ON THAT COLD STORMY NIGHT
JACK FOUND HIS WAY BACK HOME,
THROUGH SWINGING DOORS OF ILL REPUTE
KNOWN AS FOUR QUEENS SALOON.
THE FIRE IN JACK?S EYES LIT THE WAY
TO SLIM'S POKER TABLE,
(to slim's keen poker table)
TEXAS SLIM WAS CHEAT?N AGAIN
(As Texas slim would cheat again)
ARMED, READY AND ABLE.
(now armed, prepared and able).
SKINNY LILL RAN BEHIND THE BAR
(Old Skinny Lill, ran for the bar)
TRYING TO FIND SOME SPACE,
(to try and fined some space)
SHE MADE A LIVING ON HER BACK
SHE HAD A PRETTY FACE.
TEXAS SLIM DROPPED HIS ACES
(Now Texas slim would drop his aces)
AND STOOD TO FACE THE PAST,
JACK DREW FIRST WITH A FROZEN HAND
(But Jack drew first with fozen hand)
BUT SLIM WAS EVIL FAST.
?I DIDN?T THINK YOU?D MAKE IT THROUGH
THIS DAMN FREEZING STORM,
(this damn cold freezing storm)
NOW I?M GOING TO KILL YOU, JACK
(Now I'm a gonna kill you, Jack)
YOU SHOULD HAVE STAYED AT HOME.?
SKINNY LILL GRABBED THE PEACEMAKER
(old skinny Lill the grabbed the gun)
THAT HUNG BENEATH THE BAR,
WITH HER FINGER ON THE TRIGGER
(Her finger on the trigger said)
SAID, ?THIS HAS GONE TOO FAR.?
(this has gone too far)
BEFORE TEXAS SLIM COULD GATHER
(before ole Texas slim could gather)
HIS ACES OFF THE FLOOR,
(aces off the floor)
SKINNY LILL SHOT HIM THROUGH THE HEART
(Old Skinny Lill had shot him dead)
CHANGE FROM A TWO-BIT WHORE.
(the nasty two-bit whore)
LILL FACED JACK AND BLEW HIM A KISS
(Then Lill faced Jack and blew a kiss)
AND LAID THE PISTOL DOWN,
JACK HOLSTERED HIS COLT REVOLVER
)Jack holster his colt pistol, said)
SAID, ?I?M GLAD I CAME TO TOWN.?
(I'm glad I came to town)
SPRING CAME LATE THAT FROZEN YEAR
When spring came late that frozen year)
THE BOBWHITES FAILED TO SING,
DENVER'S STAGECOACH NEVER MADE IT
(and Denver's stagecoach never came)
WITH ALL ITS FANCY THINGS.
WHILE OUT BEHIND FOUR QUEENS SALOON
LIE FROZEN IN THE SNOW
SLIM WAITED WITH THE ACE OF SPADES
FOR OFF TO HELL, HE?LL GO.
THE MEN FOLK DIDN?T CARE THAT MUCH
ABOUT SLIM FROZEN DEAD,
BUT THEY GRUMBLED WHEN JACK RODE OFF
(But grumbled when jack rode off too quick)
WITH THEIR MIDNIGHT FRIEND.
(and took their midnight friend).
-
Thank you so much for your time and expertise. It reads a lot better. 'Ol nasty Lil, whatever did Jack see in her? Maybe loves to blame.
-
You are most welcome and I am glad it helped x x x
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
This is a very good story in ballad form. It could also be written as a Western story. I'm not sure what sent Jack into town determined to kill Slim, but he is certainly determined.
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2024
|
This is a very good story in ballad form. It could also be written as a Western story. I'm not sure what sent Jack into town determined to kill Slim, but he is certainly determined.
Comment Written 12-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2024
-
Yes Mam, determined, he is.
The answer is in the title, Carol. (;-)
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Excellent western ballad, it reminded me of western movies I watched when I was a kid. A lot of Clint Eastwood... the good, the bad, and the ugly comes to mind.
I enjoyed the story too, that's the good part of a salad.
Well done
Gypsy
"Poetry heals the wounds inflicted by reason" -- Novalis  Â
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2024
|
Excellent western ballad, it reminded me of western movies I watched when I was a kid. A lot of Clint Eastwood... the good, the bad, and the ugly comes to mind.
I enjoyed the story too, that's the good part of a salad.
Well done
Gypsy
"Poetry heals the wounds inflicted by reason" -- Novalis  Â
Comment Written 12-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2024
-
Thank you, Gypsy. Yes, there is a lot of Eastwood, Lee Van Cleef in the story. Maybe even Angie Dickinson (;-)
Comment from dragonpoet
Hi Yardier,
This s a good tree verse poem that tells a romantic Western story about revenge and love. The line breaks enhance the emotion and imagery in the poem. It shows how love can change lives for the best.
Keep writing and stay healthy.
Enjoy the rest of your week.
Joan
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2024
|
Hi Yardier,
This s a good tree verse poem that tells a romantic Western story about revenge and love. The line breaks enhance the emotion and imagery in the poem. It shows how love can change lives for the best.
Keep writing and stay healthy.
Enjoy the rest of your week.
Joan
Comment Written 11-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2024
-
Thank you, Joan. Your time and review is very much appreciated.
Yard
-
Any time, Yard.
Joan
Comment from Treischel
An intriguing story in a ballad meter, but both the meter and rhyming were off in several placed, making the flow hard for me to follow. Example: first stanza, line 4 would read better "with Texas Slim to blame". Second stanzas first lost meter completely, and the second line had 7 syllables. Fourth stanza: storm and home don't rhyme. There were other issues as well.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2024
 |
An intriguing story in a ballad meter, but both the meter and rhyming were off in several placed, making the flow hard for me to follow. Example: first stanza, line 4 would read better "with Texas Slim to blame". Second stanzas first lost meter completely, and the second line had 7 syllables. Fourth stanza: storm and home don't rhyme. There were other issues as well.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2024
-
Thank you, Treischel. Your time and review is much appreciated. I took note of your concerns and made the appropriate changes.
All the best in this new year for you and your loved ones. Yardier.
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
A wonderful western ballad full of atmosphere and authenticity. Your story evolved well, could quite easily have been sung and left the reader with some memorable images from this killing of Texas Slim. Good, clear notes too which I always appreciate. Take care Debbie
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2024
|
A wonderful western ballad full of atmosphere and authenticity. Your story evolved well, could quite easily have been sung and left the reader with some memorable images from this killing of Texas Slim. Good, clear notes too which I always appreciate. Take care Debbie
Comment Written 11-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2024
-
Thank you, Debbie. Your review and time is always an uplift for the day.
Yard.
Comment from Ric Myworld
I seldom to almost never give up one of my precious sixes for anything but prose, but this is certainly one of those times when I wish I had a six to justly reward your outstanding poem/story. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2024
|
I seldom to almost never give up one of my precious sixes for anything but prose, but this is certainly one of those times when I wish I had a six to justly reward your outstanding poem/story. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 11-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2024
-
No problemo, broham, I'll write you some prose. (;-)
Comment from Frank Malley
This is a funny Western saga, and I learned that ballad style can name a use of meter I've called split heptameter. This is an excellent poem, but - punctilious as I am, I would've fixed a few meter stumbles and what may be a verb agreement typo.
I'd add a syllable in line 8 'the swift bay did his part' (or other 1syllable adjective). In the second to last stanza, I'd fix a couple of small oversights by writing it While out behind Four Queens Saloon/Lies frozen in the snow/Slim waitin (or waiting) with the ace of spades/Before to hell he'll go.
Small literary peccadillos in an excellent poem.
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2024
|
This is a funny Western saga, and I learned that ballad style can name a use of meter I've called split heptameter. This is an excellent poem, but - punctilious as I am, I would've fixed a few meter stumbles and what may be a verb agreement typo.
I'd add a syllable in line 8 'the swift bay did his part' (or other 1syllable adjective). In the second to last stanza, I'd fix a couple of small oversights by writing it While out behind Four Queens Saloon/Lies frozen in the snow/Slim waitin (or waiting) with the ace of spades/Before to hell he'll go.
Small literary peccadillos in an excellent poem.
Comment Written 11-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2024
-
Thank you, Mr. Malley. Your time and review is much appreciated. I note of your suggestions and made minor changes.
All the best in this new year.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I enjoyed reading this ballad. I have no clue what the rules for writing ballads are, but I enjoyed reading and thought it was excellent. Thank you for sharing this western ballad with us.
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2024
|
I enjoyed reading this ballad. I have no clue what the rules for writing ballads are, but I enjoyed reading and thought it was excellent. Thank you for sharing this western ballad with us.
Comment Written 11-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2024
-
Hello Barbara, it's always good to get a review from you. Ballads really do not have a strict poetic structure. Most are sung or told with meter that, most often, is emphasized with voice inflection. A western ballad fits nicely around a camp fire.
