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Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "Bessie's Story"Fantasy based on the intersection of two worlds.
19 total reviews
Comment from rspoet
Hello Rhonda,
This is an excellent chapter with very realistic dialogue between Bessie and Echo. Bessie is one of those "smarter than she appears" characters that it's good to pay attention to.
Of course, there's that little note at the end: "But, like all young and ambitious people, Echo didn't pay much attention to warnings or choose to exercise prudent caution" That doesn't bode well for Echo.
Fortunately, being the main character, she's not likely to become a victim.
Officer Bradley, young, tall, dark hair, green eyes, sounds very familiar. :)
Echo may just have a guardian angel looking after her.
Well done.
Best wishes.
Robert
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2023
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Hello Rhonda,
This is an excellent chapter with very realistic dialogue between Bessie and Echo. Bessie is one of those "smarter than she appears" characters that it's good to pay attention to.
Of course, there's that little note at the end: "But, like all young and ambitious people, Echo didn't pay much attention to warnings or choose to exercise prudent caution" That doesn't bode well for Echo.
Fortunately, being the main character, she's not likely to become a victim.
Officer Bradley, young, tall, dark hair, green eyes, sounds very familiar. :)
Echo may just have a guardian angel looking after her.
Well done.
Best wishes.
Robert
Comment Written 15-Sep-2023
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2023
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Robert, how do you always do that?? You get things other people miss, lol. You see the man behind the curtain.
And, you are right about the hint of foreshadowing on Echo minding her own business, lol.
And, since this isn't Game of Thrones, you can assume she won't be violently murdered by the bad guy.
On another note, thank you for the beautiful six stars. They are almost as appreciated as the review.
Thanks again,
Rhonda
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
You write a very good story that grabs the reader's attention. Your characters are well drawn and distinctive. Bessie is trying to warn Echo to be careful and not draw the killer's attention to her, but Echo is ambitious.
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2023
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You write a very good story that grabs the reader's attention. Your characters are well drawn and distinctive. Bessie is trying to warn Echo to be careful and not draw the killer's attention to her, but Echo is ambitious.
Comment Written 14-Sep-2023
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2023
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Hi Carol, thank you for reviewing and commenting. You've gotten the message of the chapter, for sure. Thank you for commenting on the characters and storyline.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from Pam (respa)
I like the image you chose for the chapter, Rhonda. It was very good with excellent descriptive detail. You did a good job with the discussion between Bessie and Echo. Bessie seems like a busybody, but she also seems to know what she is talking about. I think she has Echo's best interest at heart, but Echo wants more than a local paper, and you made her feelings very clear in the last line.
I think she will look into to this situation more, especially the new young officer. It seems awfully odd that no flowers got to the police station, and poor Sherry had to pay the ultimate price. I wonder if the police officer was good at acting and could bring on tears at a moment's notice. It seems odd behavior unless he is not cut out to be a police officer. You have given us a lot to think about. A job well done, my friend.
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2023
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I like the image you chose for the chapter, Rhonda. It was very good with excellent descriptive detail. You did a good job with the discussion between Bessie and Echo. Bessie seems like a busybody, but she also seems to know what she is talking about. I think she has Echo's best interest at heart, but Echo wants more than a local paper, and you made her feelings very clear in the last line.
I think she will look into to this situation more, especially the new young officer. It seems awfully odd that no flowers got to the police station, and poor Sherry had to pay the ultimate price. I wonder if the police officer was good at acting and could bring on tears at a moment's notice. It seems odd behavior unless he is not cut out to be a police officer. You have given us a lot to think about. A job well done, my friend.
Comment Written 14-Sep-2023
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2023
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Hi Pam!! Thank you so much for the six star review, my friend! I always look forward to your input!!
I happened upon that image and it was so perfect for the chapter that I had to put it in. I think it takes someone who looks deeply to get the meaning, and you're just that person!!
The officer is definitely pivotal to the plot, as I'm sure you've guessed, and the truth on that will come out soon.
Bessie is a busybody, but sometimes such folk have deep insight.
Thanks, again, for taking such a close look at the chapter!!
Take care,
Rhonda
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You are very welcome and deserving of the stars and review, Rhonda. I appreciate your reply, and I am glad you appreciated my comments. The police officer is going to be very interesting, especially when Echo starts thinking about the whole situation and formulates a plan.
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You are right about the police officer. He's going to play a prominent role.
Have a great weekend!
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Thanks for sharing, and you have a great weekend, too.
Comment from Teri7
Rhonda, This is a very well written chapter. You used great descriptive words and very good dialogue. I look forward to reading the next chapter. love and blessings, teri
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2023
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Rhonda, This is a very well written chapter. You used great descriptive words and very good dialogue. I look forward to reading the next chapter. love and blessings, teri
Comment Written 14-Sep-2023
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2023
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HI Terri!
Thank you so much for stopping by to review. I appreciate your time and effort,
Rhonda
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Nice writing. Good dialogue.
I think you might have been a bit premature in writing Sherry Roe out of your Author's Notes list of characters since she was mentioned a couple times in this chapter.
Best wishes.
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2023
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Nice writing. Good dialogue.
I think you might have been a bit premature in writing Sherry Roe out of your Author's Notes list of characters since she was mentioned a couple times in this chapter.
Best wishes.
Comment Written 14-Sep-2023
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2023
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Thank you for noticing that Wayne. I simply forgot to include her. I'll fix that!
Thank you for reviewing as well.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from JSD
Excellent dialogue and an intriguing mystery. You engage the reader successfully into these realistic characters and simultaneously tell an interesting tale. Well done!
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2023
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Excellent dialogue and an intriguing mystery. You engage the reader successfully into these realistic characters and simultaneously tell an interesting tale. Well done!
Comment Written 14-Sep-2023
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2023
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Thank you for taking the time to review, my friend! I appreciate you,
Rhonda
Comment from BethShelby
It is good to see a new post on this story. I'm enjoying it and wondering what is next. I guess Echo will be interviewing the rookie police officer who actually seems to have the first one to find the body.
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reply by the author on 13-Sep-2023
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It is good to see a new post on this story. I'm enjoying it and wondering what is next. I guess Echo will be interviewing the rookie police officer who actually seems to have the first one to find the body.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Sep-2023
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2023
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Thank you for reviewing the chapter, Beth, and for your comments. I hope to post the next chapter quicker. I?ve been so busy!
Thanks for your time,
Rhonda
Comment from Faith Williams
Ooo, Rhonda, now we're getting into the serial killer stuff. The theft of the flowers is an intriguing part of the story. Did the murders in Atlanta involve flowers as well? Is there a pattern among the victims? Or the method of killing? I have so many questions...
'... we were chasing our collective tails like a box full of Spring kittens.' This description made me laugh!
Suggestions to consider:
You've used 'continued' a few times, but, in my opinion, the following ones are unnecessary because the reader will understand:
Bessie smiled in approval (and continued). "Let me start at the beginning."
Bessie sniffed a few more times (then continued).
'... but finally gave in when he became insistant.' I believe the word is spelled 'insistent'.
'Just make sure Sherry (isn't) the only young lady we have to find beside the lake.' Did you mean 'is' the only young lady here?
'Echo couldn't help but chuckle as she watched a bright smile (creased) the old face.' I think this should just be 'crease'.
'She was a strange old bird, but was more perceptive than anyone (she) knew. If she was worried about her involvement in the serial killer articles, maybe she should be, too.' These two sentences are cases of 'she' modifying two different people. The reader will probably figure it out, but they might have to slow down to do so. In the first sentence, maybe switch the second one to 'Echo'. Then switch the second sentence around, 'If her involvement in the serial killer murders worried Bessie, maybe Echo should be, too.'
General suggestion:
When I read lots of dialogue without narration, it tends to sound like rapid-fire in my head. Your dialogue unfolds well because you've already established Bessie's voice. Though I would still suggest a few more pieces of narration.
For example, in this sentence, "Well, I don't know if this means anything, but the flowers Sherry took in the Suburban were nowhere to be found, not in the van, nor near the body." what did Bessie's face do? Did she scrunch it up while remembering, did she cock her head to the side?
"Listen, you're not working for some high-falutin' newspaper out here," Bessie reminded her. "You don't have to impress anyone. Just do what I did. Write normal, feel good articles where you end by saying 'a good time was had by all'. That's safe and it's entertaining." In this part, did Bessie's tone of voice change at all? Did her face look different?
Again, just suggestions. This chapter is excellent, Rhonda. I do look forward to reading them. A message appeared, and I was excited to read your chapter, but then it disappeared! Worth the wait.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2023
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Ooo, Rhonda, now we're getting into the serial killer stuff. The theft of the flowers is an intriguing part of the story. Did the murders in Atlanta involve flowers as well? Is there a pattern among the victims? Or the method of killing? I have so many questions...
'... we were chasing our collective tails like a box full of Spring kittens.' This description made me laugh!
Suggestions to consider:
You've used 'continued' a few times, but, in my opinion, the following ones are unnecessary because the reader will understand:
Bessie smiled in approval (and continued). "Let me start at the beginning."
Bessie sniffed a few more times (then continued).
'... but finally gave in when he became insistant.' I believe the word is spelled 'insistent'.
'Just make sure Sherry (isn't) the only young lady we have to find beside the lake.' Did you mean 'is' the only young lady here?
'Echo couldn't help but chuckle as she watched a bright smile (creased) the old face.' I think this should just be 'crease'.
'She was a strange old bird, but was more perceptive than anyone (she) knew. If she was worried about her involvement in the serial killer articles, maybe she should be, too.' These two sentences are cases of 'she' modifying two different people. The reader will probably figure it out, but they might have to slow down to do so. In the first sentence, maybe switch the second one to 'Echo'. Then switch the second sentence around, 'If her involvement in the serial killer murders worried Bessie, maybe Echo should be, too.'
General suggestion:
When I read lots of dialogue without narration, it tends to sound like rapid-fire in my head. Your dialogue unfolds well because you've already established Bessie's voice. Though I would still suggest a few more pieces of narration.
For example, in this sentence, "Well, I don't know if this means anything, but the flowers Sherry took in the Suburban were nowhere to be found, not in the van, nor near the body." what did Bessie's face do? Did she scrunch it up while remembering, did she cock her head to the side?
"Listen, you're not working for some high-falutin' newspaper out here," Bessie reminded her. "You don't have to impress anyone. Just do what I did. Write normal, feel good articles where you end by saying 'a good time was had by all'. That's safe and it's entertaining." In this part, did Bessie's tone of voice change at all? Did her face look different?
Again, just suggestions. This chapter is excellent, Rhonda. I do look forward to reading them. A message appeared, and I was excited to read your chapter, but then it disappeared! Worth the wait.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Sep-2023
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2023
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Faith, I always appreciate the time and care you put into your reviews. I took everything you said to heart and made corrections. Everything you said was spot on and sounded perfect when corrected. Thank you so much,
Hugs,
Rhonda
Comment from Bobby Jo
This has me on my toes. The cop must have done this, but does he have ties to Echos past? I'm looking forward to reading more of this mystery. good job
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2023
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This has me on my toes. The cop must have done this, but does he have ties to Echos past? I'm looking forward to reading more of this mystery. good job
Comment Written 13-Sep-2023
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2023
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Bobby Jo, thank you for the beautiful six star rating! I?m glad you liked it and that you continue to follow it!
Take care,
Rhonda