Drive-by Shooting
One bad choice can change your life forever19 total reviews
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Nice sentiment. Good flow and imagery.
A tense and punctuation issue here, and there.
- drive by needs a hyphen
What is 'indo'?
Best wishes and good luck.
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2022
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Nice sentiment. Good flow and imagery.
A tense and punctuation issue here, and there.
- drive by needs a hyphen
What is 'indo'?
Best wishes and good luck.
Comment Written 19-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2022
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Indo is another word for Indomethacin. Thank you for the review.
Comment from royowen
The wonderful thing is that we can choose innocence again, I feel for you, and have prayed. You are innocent of any crime, and I know in your heart you caontain hope, cry out to God my friend, I know He can help you, what a burden to carry, I've belonged to two worlds, beautifully written and confessed Charity, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2022
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The wonderful thing is that we can choose innocence again, I feel for you, and have prayed. You are innocent of any crime, and I know in your heart you caontain hope, cry out to God my friend, I know He can help you, what a burden to carry, I've belonged to two worlds, beautifully written and confessed Charity, blessings Roy
Comment Written 18-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2022
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Thanks friend. Its too late for help I believe. You have to suffer for your mistakes. Going to try and video chat you later and talk to you more about it.
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Never too late, if it was too late, we?d all be dead
Comment from karenina
I could cut myself on your shards of pain... To take off your emotional armor and reveal this past must be at once cathartic and full of the agony of regret. In a world where I might have swigged a beer, in my youth, to gain a nod from a young man, it is difficult to think that such things as drive-by shootings are the steppingstones to approval. You bleed the truth onto this page, and I cannot look away. I sense within your written verse you'd not make that mistake today.
Karenina
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2022
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I could cut myself on your shards of pain... To take off your emotional armor and reveal this past must be at once cathartic and full of the agony of regret. In a world where I might have swigged a beer, in my youth, to gain a nod from a young man, it is difficult to think that such things as drive-by shootings are the steppingstones to approval. You bleed the truth onto this page, and I cannot look away. I sense within your written verse you'd not make that mistake today.
Karenina
Comment Written 18-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2022
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Yes it haunts me everyday but I feel a huge load lifted since writing and sharing this with many others. Hoping to read this in open mic poetry coming up soon. I'm glad you love my poetry and that you are drawn to it.
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Yes! By all means a poetry slam!
I dare them not to be truly moved when you slay them not with arms, but poetry!
Karenina
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I know I'm going to start siging up for a few every couple of months. My goal is to help others going through similar situations and for my story to be told. I want everyone to feel every word. I want to be a voice for others.
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No question in my mind this is God's path for you...
Comment from Lloyd T. Okoko
The objective correlative of your work reminisces the metamorphosis of of an innocent girl into a hardened drive- by shooting adult.
The work highlights carefree shooting moments; the threat prone ones and how herself and her two companions had to scale through dangerous driving to evade getting caught by the police over a girl hit by her compatriot's bullet.
The work earns its texture through its effective use of anecdotes reminiscent of
police on the trail of a shoot and run culprit.
Excellent work. Bravo.
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2022
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The objective correlative of your work reminisces the metamorphosis of of an innocent girl into a hardened drive- by shooting adult.
The work highlights carefree shooting moments; the threat prone ones and how herself and her two companions had to scale through dangerous driving to evade getting caught by the police over a girl hit by her compatriot's bullet.
The work earns its texture through its effective use of anecdotes reminiscent of
police on the trail of a shoot and run culprit.
Excellent work. Bravo.
Comment Written 18-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2022
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Yes that's the synopsis of this true story poem of mines. Thank you for your detailed feedback.
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Remain Blessed.
Comment from Bridge
A poem that touched my heart. I'm sorry for you, the loss of your innocence. Very well written. Very well described. Thanks for sharing.
With regards
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2022
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A poem that touched my heart. I'm sorry for you, the loss of your innocence. Very well written. Very well described. Thanks for sharing.
With regards
Comment Written 18-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2022
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I'm glad it touched your heart. That means alot.
Comment from the13thpoet
Hello Charity a marvelous Monday morning to you, I hope this finds you well. I really enjoy your work it's gritty, raw and real, and you're a good storyteller. Good job and have a great day!
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2022
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Hello Charity a marvelous Monday morning to you, I hope this finds you well. I really enjoy your work it's gritty, raw and real, and you're a good storyteller. Good job and have a great day!
Comment Written 18-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2022
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Yes I can only write that my way because it's all true story of my life. I'm glad you enjoy my work.
Comment from Juliette Chamberlain
Yes, one wrong decision takes us from innocence to a guilty feeling.
Good construction and natural rhyme. Lessons to be learned all of the time.
Just a few suggestions (Ignore if chosen)
...reached for a glove. This conveys the same message but perfects the rhyme.
...no time for an appeal. Also conveys the same message but perfects the rhyme.
Warmly,
Juliette
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2022
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Yes, one wrong decision takes us from innocence to a guilty feeling.
Good construction and natural rhyme. Lessons to be learned all of the time.
Just a few suggestions (Ignore if chosen)
...reached for a glove. This conveys the same message but perfects the rhyme.
...no time for an appeal. Also conveys the same message but perfects the rhyme.
Warmly,
Juliette
Comment Written 18-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2022
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Thanks for the feedback and advice.
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
This is a terrifying write and anyone who has been involved knowingly in a drive by shooting should be locked up forever, even those who did not do the shooting. These incidents are what make America a bad place to live and kill the American dream. I sincerely hope this is just your muse working here, love Dolly x
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reply by the author on 18-Apr-2022
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This is a terrifying write and anyone who has been involved knowingly in a drive by shooting should be locked up forever, even those who did not do the shooting. These incidents are what make America a bad place to live and kill the American dream. I sincerely hope this is just your muse working here, love Dolly x
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 18-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2022
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Thanks for your feedback. It's a long story. You wouldn't understand just a glimpse of it.
Comment from dragonpoet
Charity,
This is a well told story but there are many grammaticial errors. You need to put the whole story in past tense. Some of it is in past and some of it is in present. It was good you weren't caught. You were very naive to not think a shooting would happen with all the guns out the window.
Keep writing and stay healthy.
Joan
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reply by the author on 18-Apr-2022
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Charity,
This is a well told story but there are many grammaticial errors. You need to put the whole story in past tense. Some of it is in past and some of it is in present. It was good you weren't caught. You were very naive to not think a shooting would happen with all the guns out the window.
Keep writing and stay healthy.
Joan
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 18-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2022
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Yes I made the corrections. Writing to fast and half asleep. Thanks for the critics.
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No problem, Charity. Glad I could help.
Joan