Comment from Robert Zimmerman

Excellent

Hello Sandra.

You did an excellent job of describing the ingress by Grant and his well-trained team. The detail of how Grant was able to take Colin down was well-written. Expression of the emotions that Grant had added emotion to the situation.

There was a lot of action with the appropriate detail and descriptive narrative of getting Tania out of danger. The chapter was written with good detail and drew a mental picture for the reader.

Robert

 Comment Written 08-Feb-2021

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reply by the author on 09-Feb-2021

Thank you so much, Robert! That is such a lovely review to wake up to. You have started my day off with a smile. Thank you! :)) Sandra xxx

reply by Robert Zimmerman on 09-Feb-2021

You're welcome Sandra. That's me... Mr. Sunshine. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

reply by the author on 09-Feb-2021

I quite believe it!! :)) xx

reply by Robert Zimmerman on 09-Feb-2021

HAHAHA

(*z*)<<

Comment from Pantygynt

Excellent

Here we have an all action episode. I once tried kicking a door down. It is surprisingly difficult to do and of course, if it doesn't burst open on the first try, your surprise is lost but this is the world of fiction and the hero gets it right.

I am not a stickle over the 'rule' that one shouldn't end with a preposition, but this one st uneasily with me:

'Still keeping his voice calm, which he thanked his training for,'

I think I might have written:

'Still keeping his voice calm, for which he thanked his training,'

The paragraph about seeing the light under the door is, at present mainly 'tell'. In that situation it is possible sometimes to get an idea of what is going on the other side of the door as a person moving may cast a shadow as he moves about, information concerning that shadow is more 'show' and it occurred to me that here was an opportunity to paint that picture a bit using that technique.

"Light shone under the door" is 'tell'. "Grant realised the shadow criss-crossing the the lit gap under the door must be Colin's, pacing up and down... etc. is form of 'show'.

 Comment Written 08-Feb-2021

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reply by the author on 08-Feb-2021

Hmm, yes, you're right. I'll go and change that sentence. Using your words!! Thanks for the lovely review, Jim. I'm just going to read Judy's review and do all the editing in one hit. Have a lovely day. It's freezing cold here! :)) Sandra xxx

reply by Pantygynt on 08-Feb-2021

Judy took me apart again, mainly for my comma use - as usual. Lol.

Comment from JudyE

Excellent

Oh good, it seems there are more surprises to come. I'm glad you've got Tania out of Colin's clutches. That is a big relief. lol The tension is sustained well and I think you've handled the man-handling effectively too.

If I'm overdoing the editing, please say so:
He crept up to the door and within the space of a few seconds he'd unlocked it. - commas after 'and' and 'seconds'

At last, they could go. Grant pulled out his gun, and, with careful movements, turned the handle then inched the door open. - comma after 'handle'

He turned to Jeff and nodded, then booted the door open with his foot, smashing it off its hinges. - I doubt that booting a door could smash it off its hinges. You might like to get a second opinion but it sounds unlikely to me.

It must have been instinctive because, in a flash, Colin dragged Tania off the bed, an arm coiled around her neck. - I dont really like 'It must have been instinctive' but can't come up with anything much better. Maybe 'Quick as a flash, and acting on instinct, Colin dragged Tania off the bed, ...'.

The shock, like a wallop to the gut, just about overwhelmed him - maybe 'almost overwhelmed him' rather than 'just about'

He didn't like the look of her face. - maybe 'His jaw dropped at the sight of her face'

Still keeping his voice calm, which he thanked his training for, he tried to win his half-brother over. - maybe 'his (military) training stood him in good stead. He was able to keep his voice calm as he tried to win his half-brother over.'

'This doesn't have to end this way, mate, you're just making things worse for yourself.' - period after 'mate'

Colin's eyes had been shifting between him and Jeff, narrowing into slits. - maybe 'Colin's eyes, narrowed into slits, had been shifting between him and Jeff.'

Then, just like a switch had been thrown and a bright light had flooded his mind, - maybe 'Then, as if a switch had been thrown...'

The suddenness of Carl grabbing hold of Colin from behind, surprised him into letting go of Tania. - I think perhaps this could be improved a little. Maybe 'As Carl grabbed Colin from behind, the suddenness of the attack surprised him into letting go of Tania.

She dropped to the floor, not knowing, or caring what was happening anymore. - I think it should be '..., nor caring..' or maybe 'She dropped to the floor, almost oblivious to what was happening.'

Jeff scooped her up as if she weighed less than a handful of feathers, - maybe this is a bit unwieldly. Perhaps 'Jeff scooped her up as if she were weightless' or 'as if she were a handful of feathers'

Tania managed to open her eyes just enough to see Grant swing his fist under Colin's chin, lifting him right off the ground, before she slumped into blissful nothingness. - maybe 'Before she slumped into blissful nothingness, Tania managed to open her eyes long enough to see Grant swing his fist under Colin's chin, lifting him right off the ground.' - maybe delete 'right'. And I've changed 'just' to 'long'

From the corner of his eye, the sight of Jeff taking Tania's unconscious body out the room stirred Grant's emotions into a maelstrom of unmitigated anger. - maybe 'Grant's emotions were stirred into a maelstrom of unmitigated anger as, from the corner of his eye, he caught sight of Jeff taking Tania's unconscious body from the room.'

With one hand, he pulled Colin's head and shoulders off the floor and punched him, time and again, in the face, until Reg had to step in and try to pull him off. - may I suggest 'until Reg stepped in and tried to pull him off.'

'Jeff's already called the police, let them take care of him. An ambulance is on the way--go and see to Tania.' - period after 'police'

'Where is she?' Grant's voice came across like an angry bear's growl. - maybe simply 'Grant growled'

Reg glanced down at Colin, his lips curled with contempt, then grabbed his arms to pull him up before frog-marching him through to where the others were waiting for the ambulance. - Maybe 'Glancing down at Colin, his lips curled with contempt, Reg grabbed his arms to pull him up before frog-marching him through to where the others were waiting for the ambulance.'

The police and ambulance arrived at the same time, and straight away assessed the situation. - maybe '... immediately assessed...'

Grant's fixed expression revealed a mask of anger, mixed with worry - maybe 'was a mask'

The answer still burned inside leaving a pain he could never describe or erase. - comma after 'inside'

Cheers and best wishes
Judy

 Comment Written 08-Feb-2021

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reply by the author on 08-Feb-2021

Thank you again, Judy, for another really helpful review. It's so kind of your to take so much time on my chapters. Yes, there is more to come! I hope you'll like it. Sending you a hug, my friend. :)) Sandra xxx

Comment from lyenochka

Excellent

Whew! Finally, Tania is rescued! I liked how quickly everything turned out but I wonder if Grant will face any problems because of the anger he unleased on Colin, even though we readers are understanding his rage.

I liked the "frog marched" - not sure what it means but I think I can imagine it.

 Comment Written 08-Feb-2021

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reply by the author on 08-Feb-2021

Thank you so much, Helen. Frog-marched means to force someone to walk in front of you by keeping hold of their arms from behind. I had a mental picture of Reg doing just that, lol. I'm gald you liked it. Thanks again, my friend. :)) Sandra xx

Comment from Jay Squires

Exceptional

Without a doubt, Sandra, this is your best chapter (in spite of one small correctable glitch below.

Grant swing his fist under Colin's chin, lifting him right off the ground, [Tone this down, Sandra. I've seen too many fights, and to have a punch lift a person off the ground is impossible.]

By the way, I downloaded this story early in the morning and it's now 9:00 PM, so any changes you've already made, please disregard my note above.

This is certainly six-worthy!

 Comment Written 07-Feb-2021

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reply by the author on 08-Feb-2021

That is such a compliment, Jay, thank you so much for that, and the lovely six stars. I've taken on board your comment about the fight, and I'm going to work on it straight away. I've a picture forming in my head as to how it should be played out. Now to put it into words. Warm hugs, my dear friend, and thank you, again! :)) Sandra xxx
......

reply by Jay Squires on 08-Feb-2021

In spirit, every reader of your book, chapter-by-chapter, when they were carried along inside Tania's skin and felt everything that she felt, and on top of it felt the sense of helplessness of Grant, and his guilt, wants so much to be, at that moment, the energy inside Grant's fist. They (read as "I") wanted at the moment Grant's fist connected to Colin's jaw, to feel the jawbone crumble and the force of the punch to carry Colin clear through the roof.

That was the power of the suspense you built up in this chapter. So the writer in me connected with the writer in you at that moment and knew why you did what you did.

reply by the author on 08-Feb-2021

Aw, Jay. That is the best compliment a writer can ever wish to receive. Such lovely words from a writer such as yourself, is amazing. Thank you. :)
I'm slowly getting my reviewing done, I find it hard to concentrate properly while these shingles are still pulling me down. A few minutes here and there and I'll soon catch up. I'll get to yours later, my friend. Sending you loads of love. xxxx

reply by Jay Squires on 08-Feb-2021

Shingles! Ouch! Don't rush anything. My things will always be there.

Comment from Elizabeth Emerald

Excellent

Gripping--I prayed that this would be the one where she'd be rescued--graphic description of Colin's comeuppance! Intriging hint re backstory. Stunning!


sugg: [OMIT Icy] chills

 Comment Written 07-Feb-2021

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reply by the author on 08-Feb-2021

Thank you so much for your lovely review, Liz. I'm glad you liked this part. Thanks for the suggestion, too! Warm hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xxx

Comment from tfawcus

Exceptional

A very believable, action-packed chapter. I liked the little details like Grant removing the bullets before putting the gun on the ground. I imagine that Tania's manhandling will have made her injuries significantly worse - particularly the arm. Nice bit of backstory at the end to humanise this superhero, Grant.

This bit is in dialogue "then Jeff and I'll go in" and so the choice is yours depending on what you think is more in character, but I think most people would have said, "then Jeff and me'll go in", even though what you have written is grammatically correct.

 Comment Written 07-Feb-2021

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reply by the author on 08-Feb-2021

Thank you so much for this lovely review, Tony, that you thought it believable, made my head swell. Lol. It took me ages to write, but it was well worth it to get your comments. I'll take a look at your suggestion, too. I'll play around with it on my tongue. I think, where I used to be picked up about it so much, I don't stop to think about whether or not it would sound more natural the other way. Thank you for all this, and the lovely six stars, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
Have you had your vaccination yet? I had mine last Wednesday, and my arm still aches a bit. Graham has been fine.