Betrayal
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "Betrayal Chapter 11"In the title.
45 total reviews
Comment from Mary Charles
Thank you so much for sharing this chapter, Sandra. It makes me want to read more, which is what all of us writers hope our readers will want! I like the reference to the backstory of Tania and Monica as step-sisters but I want to know more of the emotional bond between them. I'd advise shorter bursts of dialog, especially in an emotionally fraught scene like the one in Grtant's office. You are clearly a skilled author, and you've given us an intriguing read.
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2020
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Thank you so much for sharing this chapter, Sandra. It makes me want to read more, which is what all of us writers hope our readers will want! I like the reference to the backstory of Tania and Monica as step-sisters but I want to know more of the emotional bond between them. I'd advise shorter bursts of dialog, especially in an emotionally fraught scene like the one in Grtant's office. You are clearly a skilled author, and you've given us an intriguing read.
Comment Written 08-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2020
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Thank you so much for reading this part, Mary, I really appreciate you taking the time. This is part 11, and right from part 1 Tania and Monica's relationship has been well established. In the next part there is loads of dialog between Monica and Grant. I hope you come again and read on. Thank you again, have a lovely day. Sandra xx
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This fiction speaks about the guesswork and expectation of finding the cause of criminal offence, and tells the taletelling nicely and in a free flow of thoughts, fostered by good dialogues and ends with a guessing; well said, well done; thanks for sharing this. ALCREATOR
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2020
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This fiction speaks about the guesswork and expectation of finding the cause of criminal offence, and tells the taletelling nicely and in a free flow of thoughts, fostered by good dialogues and ends with a guessing; well said, well done; thanks for sharing this. ALCREATOR
Comment Written 08-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2020
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Thank you so much, Alcreator, for another lovely review. I do appreciate your kind words. Warm hugs. Sandra xxx
Comment from Wendy G
This is proving to be an interesting story, and you have achieved your goal of making your reader want to know more. It is well written, and I am looking forward to the next chapter.
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2020
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This is proving to be an interesting story, and you have achieved your goal of making your reader want to know more. It is well written, and I am looking forward to the next chapter.
Comment Written 07-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2020
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Thank you so much for your continued support, Wendy, I'm so pleased you are still enjoying this story. Have a lovely day! :)) Sandra xx
Comment from lyenochka
Hooray for Monica! I was dismayed about the police reaction but that is totally realistic. Now that Monica let the cat out of the bag, Grant will know when Colin shows Tania's work, what has really happened. But how will they find Tania and is she still alive? Great drama. I didn't realize until now that Tania and Monica looked different.
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2020
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Hooray for Monica! I was dismayed about the police reaction but that is totally realistic. Now that Monica let the cat out of the bag, Grant will know when Colin shows Tania's work, what has really happened. But how will they find Tania and is she still alive? Great drama. I didn't realize until now that Tania and Monica looked different.
Comment Written 07-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2020
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Hi Helen, thank you so much for this lovely review. I'm so pleased you thought the police reaction was realistic, I know that's what they are like here.
With Monica being different to Tania. I'd pictured Tania as white and Monica black right from the biginning. But, it was how to have it come in naturally, and not feel like an add on. These days you have to be so careful with the politically correct brigade. It wasn't until this part I had an opportunity to write it in. To me, Monica and Tania are just two people of different origens who are very close and colour doesn't figure in their relationship at all, but their differences needed to come out. Does any of that make sence? Lol.
Thanks, my friend. Warm hugs, Sandra xxx
Comment from tfawcus
You've managed to drop some interesting snippets of backstory into this chapter without lowering the tension. I thought, however, that Monica was a little over-aggressive with Grant Blake, considering that she was seeking his help. Her behaviour with him was very similar to Tania's but without so much justification.
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2020
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You've managed to drop some interesting snippets of backstory into this chapter without lowering the tension. I thought, however, that Monica was a little over-aggressive with Grant Blake, considering that she was seeking his help. Her behaviour with him was very similar to Tania's but without so much justification.
Comment Written 07-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2020
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Thank you so much, Tony, for those lovely six stars. I was working on how protective and worried Monica was for Tania. As far as she's concerned, Grant could be in on it. He knew Colin. If Grant had revealed that bit of information, none of this would be happening, Tania wouldn't have met Colin... and I wouldn't have a story!! I guess I'm going by the way I'd feel under those circumstances. I will have another look at that, though, because I like the characters feelings to be believeable. Thanks again, my friend. Have a lovely week. :)) Sandra xx
Comment from Ric Myworld
Well, "Time waits for no one," as the Rolling Stones sing. And, between the police and no clues other than what Monica already knew, the whole day slipped away. But, if I were a gambling man, I would bet they find Tania in time. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2020
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Well, "Time waits for no one," as the Rolling Stones sing. And, between the police and no clues other than what Monica already knew, the whole day slipped away. But, if I were a gambling man, I would bet they find Tania in time. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 07-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2020
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AW, thank you so much, Ric. Now Grant is involved, things will happen. I'm so pleased you still like my story, it's lovely to see your picture and name come up in my reviews. The six stars make it that bit more special, Thank you, my dear friend. Have a lovely day. Warm hugs. Sandra xxxx
Comment from estory
Monica's sense of desperation comes through in this chapter. We hear her strained voice as she yells over the phone at the police, and then confronts Grant. It's her women's intuition against the common sense of the investigators, and we get her frustration here. I think the dialogue between her and Grant is sharp and the tensions there come through pretty well. estory
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2020
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Monica's sense of desperation comes through in this chapter. We hear her strained voice as she yells over the phone at the police, and then confronts Grant. It's her women's intuition against the common sense of the investigators, and we get her frustration here. I think the dialogue between her and Grant is sharp and the tensions there come through pretty well. estory
Comment Written 07-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2020
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I'm so pleased you could see how desperate Monica is getting. Now she has gone to see Grant, we'll see what happens! :)) Thanks, my friend, for another lovely review. Warm hugs. Sandra xx
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Finally, Monica took the things in her own hands and reveal Grant the darkest secret of his half-brother. Finally the sun will shine on Tania's street. let's hope that will reach here before is too late. Thank you for sharing and good luck with the next chapter, I am enjoying this book a lot:)
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2020
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Finally, Monica took the things in her own hands and reveal Grant the darkest secret of his half-brother. Finally the sun will shine on Tania's street. let's hope that will reach here before is too late. Thank you for sharing and good luck with the next chapter, I am enjoying this book a lot:)
Comment Written 07-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2020
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Thank you so much for reading, Iza, and the lovely review you've given it. I'm delighted you are still enjoying the story. Warm hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xxx
Comment from RetroStarfish
This is a gripping and action-packed chapter. It does the most important thing - it makes me want to read more.
Very dramatic and filled with emotion. While engaging, I do find it a bit overwrought and over-written in places. Consider these two sentences: "Although she'd tried hard to stay awake, she hadn't been able to fight the mental exhaustion that finally engulfed her. Giving up the battle, she'd reluctantly surrendered to the will of her body..." Both of the sentences make the same point - that she'd tried to stay awake but she fell asleep. And, both of those sentences make the point twice within the sentence.
There are some great lines too: "It was a frightened, angry woman who stood like a statue in the middle of Tania's sitting room, unable to take it all in." This one is also subtle, but carries a punch: "Grant looked across at Margaret, raising an eyebrow, and received a tilted head and shrug back."
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2020
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This is a gripping and action-packed chapter. It does the most important thing - it makes me want to read more.
Very dramatic and filled with emotion. While engaging, I do find it a bit overwrought and over-written in places. Consider these two sentences: "Although she'd tried hard to stay awake, she hadn't been able to fight the mental exhaustion that finally engulfed her. Giving up the battle, she'd reluctantly surrendered to the will of her body..." Both of the sentences make the same point - that she'd tried to stay awake but she fell asleep. And, both of those sentences make the point twice within the sentence.
There are some great lines too: "It was a frightened, angry woman who stood like a statue in the middle of Tania's sitting room, unable to take it all in." This one is also subtle, but carries a punch: "Grant looked across at Margaret, raising an eyebrow, and received a tilted head and shrug back."
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 07-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2020
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HI there, thank you so much for your review. You're right, it does say the same thing twice. Fresh eyes are always welcomed! I've cut a huge chunk out of that first paragraph now, and I'm a lot happier with it. I like how you have picked up on that, but also picked up on what you liked about this part. I truly appreciate you saying this part makes you want to read more, that is so encouraging. I look forward to reading your future reviews. Warm hugs, :) Sandra xx
Comment from Daniel Massey
At the end of this, I could hear the theme tune to Eastenders. Sometimes, in life, we come across writing that teaches as well as entertains, I think your writing does this.
I didn't see any nits as you call them, but in my training, ... is not supposed to have gaps. For example, what you know... and; should read: what you know...and.
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2020
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At the end of this, I could hear the theme tune to Eastenders. Sometimes, in life, we come across writing that teaches as well as entertains, I think your writing does this.
I didn't see any nits as you call them, but in my training, ... is not supposed to have gaps. For example, what you know... and; should read: what you know...and.
Comment Written 07-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2020
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LOL! You have to be English. Eastenders. I haven't watched that since Dirty Den and Angie left. That's a few years ago.
Thank you so much for that lovely compliment. That was really nice of you.
The way to write an ellipsis is often coming under scrutiny. I was taught they were in place of a word/words, which means a space either side. It shows many examples on Google Search of how to use them. The strange thing is some publishers like them with spaces, others don't, so it's wise to check out those issues before sending out manuscripts.
Thank you so very much for the six stars, Daniel, and for this lovely review. I appreciated both, and I appreciated the discussion on the ellipsis. It reminded me the check them out if I want to try for a traditional publisher. Warm hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xx