Little ones
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Revival of the Red"5/7/5 poems
243 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
Thanks for inviting me to review this honestly, dear Anupam. It is potent and expressive, creative and impacting, but I do see room for improvement and hope to be of help (as requested!)
I love using alliteration too...and you have some good alliteration here but it does overwhelm the poem (especially because of the brevity of the form) and thus makes it sound slightly forced (but not extensively).
I have seen fully alliterated short forms work well, but it is very difficult to achieve without the abundant alliterative device distracting from the poem...
one of the reasons this sounds forced is also the awkward syntax in the grammar of the first line:
Lurk lusty leeches
love luminal life-liquor
This is very clever vocabulary. I had to look up luminal and it is a medical term (and also the name of a medication)...but I doubt most readers know this. They might assume the word is related to LUMINOUS or LUMINOSITY. I did...which is why i looked it up, because that meaning did not fit the poem, but--of course--the actual meaning fits superbly.
The closing alliteration is brilliant and effective:
rave resurrection
Love the word economy of the closing line, too..and the whole poem.
Still, I do think the poem might be hard for the general reader to fully comprehend without the aid of author's notes - and that is a sign of a poem's weakness, in my opinion.
The theme does not seem to me to be suitable for a 5-7-5 poem...feels like it needs to be longer and perhaps in free verse to reach its full potential.
That's my two cents...and I am sure many readers like it as it is, so no need to revise unless you wish to.
Namaste and warm regards,
rd
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2013
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Thanks for inviting me to review this honestly, dear Anupam. It is potent and expressive, creative and impacting, but I do see room for improvement and hope to be of help (as requested!)
I love using alliteration too...and you have some good alliteration here but it does overwhelm the poem (especially because of the brevity of the form) and thus makes it sound slightly forced (but not extensively).
I have seen fully alliterated short forms work well, but it is very difficult to achieve without the abundant alliterative device distracting from the poem...
one of the reasons this sounds forced is also the awkward syntax in the grammar of the first line:
Lurk lusty leeches
love luminal life-liquor
This is very clever vocabulary. I had to look up luminal and it is a medical term (and also the name of a medication)...but I doubt most readers know this. They might assume the word is related to LUMINOUS or LUMINOSITY. I did...which is why i looked it up, because that meaning did not fit the poem, but--of course--the actual meaning fits superbly.
The closing alliteration is brilliant and effective:
rave resurrection
Love the word economy of the closing line, too..and the whole poem.
Still, I do think the poem might be hard for the general reader to fully comprehend without the aid of author's notes - and that is a sign of a poem's weakness, in my opinion.
The theme does not seem to me to be suitable for a 5-7-5 poem...feels like it needs to be longer and perhaps in free verse to reach its full potential.
That's my two cents...and I am sure many readers like it as it is, so no need to revise unless you wish to.
Namaste and warm regards,
rd
Comment Written 10-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2013
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Hello:-)
thanks for taking the time to review.i am happy that you got the word 'luminal' right and mentioned it too in the review.
A few readers also said that it would be better longer.but i can't post a longer poem at present as i am still a standard user.
But i will surely make it's extended version for you and post when i am able to upgrade.
As i said,your review always helps and i get to learn something.thanks for the analytical feedback.:-)
Regards
Shar-A
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Ah, yes, as a standard user you can only post 5-7-5. I hope you can upgrade soon. I sense you have both a gift and a passion for words and it would be worthwhile to cultivate skill in this craft! Blessings and Namaste, rd
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your words are always so encouraging:)
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Aw, thanks! Namaste, rd
Comment from Starlit Ink
I admired your skillful use of alliteration in this brief but entertaining poem. It does a lot to express the fascination that we have with vampires. The presentation really enhances it. Best of luck to you in the contest.
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2013
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I admired your skillful use of alliteration in this brief but entertaining poem. It does a lot to express the fascination that we have with vampires. The presentation really enhances it. Best of luck to you in the contest.
Comment Written 10-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2013
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Thanks for your kind words and excellent review:-)
Comment from amada
I was able to understand your work better because of your author notes. This work could have different interpretations.
The "l" alliterations work real well.
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2013
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I was able to understand your work better because of your author notes. This work could have different interpretations.
The "l" alliterations work real well.
Comment Written 10-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2013
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Thanks for your kind words and excellent review:-)
Comment from Tonulak
Thanks for your notes, as it clarified the poem for me...I liked what you did with this short form, not a wasted word, yet still open enough for interpretation. Great job--Ted
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2013
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Thanks for your notes, as it clarified the poem for me...I liked what you did with this short form, not a wasted word, yet still open enough for interpretation. Great job--Ted
Comment Written 10-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2013
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Thanks for your kind words and excellent review:-)
Comment from EMB
Hmm. I'm thinking this one had to borrow from the picture that you provided as well as the author notes that you give for readers to grasp that this is talking about vampires. Loved the alliteration, though. :)
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2013
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Hmm. I'm thinking this one had to borrow from the picture that you provided as well as the author notes that you give for readers to grasp that this is talking about vampires. Loved the alliteration, though. :)
Comment Written 10-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2013
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Thanks for your kind words and excellent review:-)
Comment from KYPollard/El Gato
Yes, they are fascinating creatures, my friend. I like what you did with this poem, it is well written and interesting. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2013
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Yes, they are fascinating creatures, my friend. I like what you did with this poem, it is well written and interesting. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 10-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2013
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Thanks for your kind words and excellent review:-)
Comment from TheNakedPoet
indeed they are and what a fascinating poem this was
great alliteration and use of leeches without actually mentioning "blood" as such
too clever and worth a "rave" for sure lol
loved the "luminal liquor" line
well done
Ariana
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2013
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indeed they are and what a fascinating poem this was
great alliteration and use of leeches without actually mentioning "blood" as such
too clever and worth a "rave" for sure lol
loved the "luminal liquor" line
well done
Ariana
Comment Written 10-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2013
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Thanks for your kind words and excellent review:-)
Comment from rhymelord
Dear Anupam,
I perceive that you wish to make a strong statement, which can be aided by alliteration, but its over use can be jarring and leave the impression that you have chosen words to suit the alliteration rather than to add to the meaning of the poem. I am a firm believer that whatever format a poem follows it should have grammatical and syntactical integrity. This I find somewhat lacking in this piece. You obviously have a gift of dramatic expression and I would like to see this employed in a more structured and meaningful way.
Reg
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2013
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Dear Anupam,
I perceive that you wish to make a strong statement, which can be aided by alliteration, but its over use can be jarring and leave the impression that you have chosen words to suit the alliteration rather than to add to the meaning of the poem. I am a firm believer that whatever format a poem follows it should have grammatical and syntactical integrity. This I find somewhat lacking in this piece. You obviously have a gift of dramatic expression and I would like to see this employed in a more structured and meaningful way.
Reg
Comment Written 10-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2013
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Well,i wish i could post a longer one,but still a standard user.so, i can just post in this format.but i appreciate your thoughts.thanks for reading:-)
Comment from honeytree
The art work and words are very creative.
Their are many within our world that drink to much.
Perhaps they do not know when to stop, that can be very sad.
Honey tree
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2013
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The art work and words are very creative.
Their are many within our world that drink to much.
Perhaps they do not know when to stop, that can be very sad.
Honey tree
Comment Written 10-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2013
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Thanks for your kind words and excellent review:-)
Comment from Shirley E Kennedy
A stuning overall presentation and a great choice of complementary picture.
Your words are chosen and written well and your message is clear.
I sincerely hope there is not a vampire resurrection.
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2013
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A stuning overall presentation and a great choice of complementary picture.
Your words are chosen and written well and your message is clear.
I sincerely hope there is not a vampire resurrection.
Comment Written 10-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2013
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Thanks for your kind words and excellent review:-)
