The Boat
A 5-7-5 poetry contest entry.214 total reviews
Comment from christopherjl
Very good poem. I like the feelings it evokes. I'm curious about one thing... are we talking about a "stone-still" boat or a "stone-still" pier? When I have been on a dock before it's felt like everything was moving because of the water... perhaps it's just my perception! Either way a great entry!! I hope it goes well for you! :)
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2013
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Very good poem. I like the feelings it evokes. I'm curious about one thing... are we talking about a "stone-still" boat or a "stone-still" pier? When I have been on a dock before it's felt like everything was moving because of the water... perhaps it's just my perception! Either way a great entry!! I hope it goes well for you! :)
Comment Written 16-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2013
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Its stone-still for the person, for us on the pier. :P thank you for the review.
- G
Comment from Dorothy Farrell
Reading your author notes helped me to understand and admire your 5/7/5 poem. I think the title misleads a bit but you had a good idea here. Good read. Regards Dorothy
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2013
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Reading your author notes helped me to understand and admire your 5/7/5 poem. I think the title misleads a bit but you had a good idea here. Good read. Regards Dorothy
Comment Written 16-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2013
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Thank you for the review, I titled it the boat because its the moment when some help finally comes along.
- G
Comment from sunnilicious
Great photograph. Oh well, this is a senryu if I ever read it. Good visual imagery. Scary situation car, boat or anything. Also, you met the syllable count requirement. Excellent work.
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2013
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Great photograph. Oh well, this is a senryu if I ever read it. Good visual imagery. Scary situation car, boat or anything. Also, you met the syllable count requirement. Excellent work.
Comment Written 16-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2013
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Thank you very much for your review.
Comment from Daniel J. Darcey
Nice route taken with the stone and the pier. Hope you actually do know how to steer, bad day in the middle of the water. Anyway nice little poem
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2013
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Nice route taken with the stone and the pier. Hope you actually do know how to steer, bad day in the middle of the water. Anyway nice little poem
Comment Written 16-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2013
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Thank you for your thoughtful review. :P
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Your welcome
Comment from rama devi
Excellent. This carries much weight for such a short poem! Good bonus rhyming and fine reflective tone and content. I like the artwork too--nice presentation
Stone-still on the pier,
Yet I know not how to steer,
How did I get here?
Since the last line is a new sentence, I strongly recommend changing the comma in line two to a period. Assuming it is a typo--awarding five stars in advance.
If you prefer to link the lines, then a dash would give dramatic pause there.
Another suggestion (optional) is to not use caps on all lines--as it is more appealing to read (more clarity) and also more akin to the haiku style that the 5-7-5 contest is an offshoot of.
Along those same lines, you might even consider not using punctuation at all (or just a dash in line two) because the caps show when a new sentence begins and while the comma in line one is not 'wrong' it is also not mandatory.
Example:
Stone-still on the pier
yet I know not how to steer
How did I get here?
or
Stone-still on the pier
Yet I know not how to steer--
How did I get here?
Either way, keeping the ? is important, I think.
One more tiny suggestion (also optional) is to change the word THE in line one to a more descriptive word--in order to get maximum mileage in meaning from each syllable.
Stone-still on long pier
Stone-still on calm pier
Stone-still on wood pier
etc.
Just a thought!
Good luck in the contest...and warm welcome to FS!
Big Smiles, rd
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2013
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Excellent. This carries much weight for such a short poem! Good bonus rhyming and fine reflective tone and content. I like the artwork too--nice presentation
Stone-still on the pier,
Yet I know not how to steer,
How did I get here?
Since the last line is a new sentence, I strongly recommend changing the comma in line two to a period. Assuming it is a typo--awarding five stars in advance.
If you prefer to link the lines, then a dash would give dramatic pause there.
Another suggestion (optional) is to not use caps on all lines--as it is more appealing to read (more clarity) and also more akin to the haiku style that the 5-7-5 contest is an offshoot of.
Along those same lines, you might even consider not using punctuation at all (or just a dash in line two) because the caps show when a new sentence begins and while the comma in line one is not 'wrong' it is also not mandatory.
Example:
Stone-still on the pier
yet I know not how to steer
How did I get here?
or
Stone-still on the pier
Yet I know not how to steer--
How did I get here?
Either way, keeping the ? is important, I think.
One more tiny suggestion (also optional) is to change the word THE in line one to a more descriptive word--in order to get maximum mileage in meaning from each syllable.
Stone-still on long pier
Stone-still on calm pier
Stone-still on wood pier
etc.
Just a thought!
Good luck in the contest...and warm welcome to FS!
Big Smiles, rd
Comment Written 16-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2013
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I do believe I know now why you got the reviewing award... you seriously have skill when reviewing, dissecting and fixing all the parts of it. I have changed it now to incorperate some of your edits. :P thank you for the great advice!
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Happy to help. Thank you! :) Warm smiles, rd
Comment from noronradss55
Is this not suppose to be a poem filled with
humor?Well you missed the boat my friend.
This did not even warrent a smirk. not to belittle
your effort sir but even now i am still searching for
the humor in this.
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2013
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Is this not suppose to be a poem filled with
humor?Well you missed the boat my friend.
This did not even warrent a smirk. not to belittle
your effort sir but even now i am still searching for
the humor in this.
Comment Written 16-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2013
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I was trying to write it in the humor area because sometimes, when it comes to life, you just have to laugh at your mistakes and find the funny in things. I couldn't really fill completely it with humor, when give it alliteration, make it rhyme and have a deep meaning in only 17 syllables... (now that you see what I was trying to do would you consider a four star? Three stars are below average :( Im sorry that you couldn't find the humor in it.)
Comment from Always enjoying
I like the poem. It expresses exactly what you described in your notes. Of course the image also helps the interpretation. Nice job!
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2013
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I like the poem. It expresses exactly what you described in your notes. Of course the image also helps the interpretation. Nice job!
Comment Written 12-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2013
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Thank you :P it is much appreciated, its always hard to fit that much in when there is only a little bit of space to work with.
Comment from Dudemanguy
Hi there...a nicely done thought provoking 5-7-5! To me it's in the same mind frame as my 'Edge Of The World'...on the brink at a stand still :( Great job here!
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2013
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Hi there...a nicely done thought provoking 5-7-5! To me it's in the same mind frame as my 'Edge Of The World'...on the brink at a stand still :( Great job here!
Comment Written 09-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2013
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Whoah! six stars? You exalt me sir! :P sir... dudemanguy? lol, great name and thank you so much for the six stars, they are much appreciated.
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A write worthy of 6 stars! Glad U like the name Dudemanguy...I stole that from 'Hit Parader' magazine. Some guitar playin' surfer who gave playing tips.
Comment from Lovinia
Hi Gabriel
A thoughtful little poem about the journey of self-discovery. A great image to complement your words. Spot on syllable count. No rules apart from the syllable count, so you have used your creativity to rhyme as well. Your Author's Notes provide some knowledge into your own thoughts, yet the reader is permitted to draw their own conclusions and delve into the layers of your poem.
I understand your title is the implied metaphor for your life process and I do 'get' the satiric humour, though it might be better to leave that implied and put it in the self-improvement or satire category. Just my suggestion .... you are the poet and determine the process of your own poem.
Well done, I read it was your first attempt at a 5-7-5 ... these short poems are not as easy as some think and do require a lot of thought and good word selection to get them to resonate with the reader. Another suggestion, again to take or leave :)) - a hyphen in "Stone-still" would make your words more powerful and cause pause for the reader to have that impact in your opening. You know what you mean and it seems obvious, yet some readers will be looking for a stone on the pier before it sinks in. :)) I did this! LOL
A great entry for the contest. Good luck. Warm Regards - Lovinia xoxoxo
PS Welcome to FS ... I'm sure you will enjoy and I look forward to your premier membership when you have saved the cash. Good luck in your studies.
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2013
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Hi Gabriel
A thoughtful little poem about the journey of self-discovery. A great image to complement your words. Spot on syllable count. No rules apart from the syllable count, so you have used your creativity to rhyme as well. Your Author's Notes provide some knowledge into your own thoughts, yet the reader is permitted to draw their own conclusions and delve into the layers of your poem.
I understand your title is the implied metaphor for your life process and I do 'get' the satiric humour, though it might be better to leave that implied and put it in the self-improvement or satire category. Just my suggestion .... you are the poet and determine the process of your own poem.
Well done, I read it was your first attempt at a 5-7-5 ... these short poems are not as easy as some think and do require a lot of thought and good word selection to get them to resonate with the reader. Another suggestion, again to take or leave :)) - a hyphen in "Stone-still" would make your words more powerful and cause pause for the reader to have that impact in your opening. You know what you mean and it seems obvious, yet some readers will be looking for a stone on the pier before it sinks in. :)) I did this! LOL
A great entry for the contest. Good luck. Warm Regards - Lovinia xoxoxo
PS Welcome to FS ... I'm sure you will enjoy and I look forward to your premier membership when you have saved the cash. Good luck in your studies.
Comment Written 28-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2013
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Wow thank you so much for this very thorough review! The advice is taken and I have changed it. Im getting one very soon! If i put it in the self improvement section people would look at it and be like Nuh-uh im not going to look at that stuff, same for philosophy, so i placed it in humor, because everyone loves humor.
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Hi Gabriel
I see your point .... humour is very popular. If you enjoy the short three liners, there are many who love them here, so if you keep coming up with ones as good as this then your are sure to find a following when you become a premier member. I hope you fare well in the contest. I', pleased you agreed with my suggestion. Sometimes we know what impact we mean with our words .... in a thing like this, and especially some find three liners a little confusing or miss the purpose. I always feel it is best to make your impact clear. Good luck, enjoy yourself on the site. Best of luck in the contest. Lovinia xoxoox
Comment from AnnieDawn
I found your poem thought provoking. As you stated it really is up to the reader to interpret but isn't that what it is all about? No one gets the same from any of our writings. I have been amazed by some of the comments I have received and to find that their comment was not what I meant in my writing. I love it. I enjoyed your 5-7-5 poem and wish you luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2013
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I found your poem thought provoking. As you stated it really is up to the reader to interpret but isn't that what it is all about? No one gets the same from any of our writings. I have been amazed by some of the comments I have received and to find that their comment was not what I meant in my writing. I love it. I enjoyed your 5-7-5 poem and wish you luck in the contest.
Comment Written 24-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2013
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Thank you very much I have been feeling the exact same thing!!! :P I love all the things that people reply with!