Old Decrepit Woman Revised.
Written about a painting I saw.177 total reviews
Comment from Realist101
Oh, how I despise aging. BUT we all must do it. Or die young. Your poem is nicely done, I think the repetition of "Old decrepit woman" lends to the nice rhythm in this. Good job...susan
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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Oh, how I despise aging. BUT we all must do it. Or die young. Your poem is nicely done, I think the repetition of "Old decrepit woman" lends to the nice rhythm in this. Good job...susan
Comment Written 24-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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Thank you Realist.
Comment from The Stranger
you paint a vivid picture yourself, and one that is oh so true in society today as we watch rather than comfort people such as the decrepit old lady slowly ebbb away
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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you paint a vivid picture yourself, and one that is oh so true in society today as we watch rather than comfort people such as the decrepit old lady slowly ebbb away
Comment Written 24-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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Thank you stranger.
Comment from GermusXeno
I must say the repetition is used very nicely. but it isn't really put together as i imagined it. you used ,"Old decrepit woman', was used as an emotional ramp, bringing a nice climax.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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I must say the repetition is used very nicely. but it isn't really put together as i imagined it. you used ,"Old decrepit woman', was used as an emotional ramp, bringing a nice climax.
Comment Written 24-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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Thank you Germus.
Comment from missy98writer
Boz Roz,
your poem is profound and extremely well written. You descriptive writing is strong and your words conjure up vivid imagery of the woman in the art work you were clearly motivated to write. I like your repeating refrain. You did an excellent job using metaphors. I especially liked your phrases: "Still shivering in your silence, losing its breath, prepare yourself for death and your soul cries goodbye." Your closing line is powerful with much meaning behind them: " it is always the innocent ones who must die." I also like you use of the vocabulary. Your poem gives nourishment for thought in the buffet of poetry. I'd recommend your poem for others to read. Keep on writing with heart and creatively. Have a nice day. Peace out...Melissa!
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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Boz Roz,
your poem is profound and extremely well written. You descriptive writing is strong and your words conjure up vivid imagery of the woman in the art work you were clearly motivated to write. I like your repeating refrain. You did an excellent job using metaphors. I especially liked your phrases: "Still shivering in your silence, losing its breath, prepare yourself for death and your soul cries goodbye." Your closing line is powerful with much meaning behind them: " it is always the innocent ones who must die." I also like you use of the vocabulary. Your poem gives nourishment for thought in the buffet of poetry. I'd recommend your poem for others to read. Keep on writing with heart and creatively. Have a nice day. Peace out...Melissa!
Comment Written 24-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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Thank you melissa.
Comment from Denise S
I think the poem was not bad, But " old decrepit woman" was repeated so many times. I think it was a bit too much. It messed up the flow.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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I think the poem was not bad, But " old decrepit woman" was repeated so many times. I think it was a bit too much. It messed up the flow.
Comment Written 24-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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Thank you Denise.
Comment from Van
Great Job Boz.
Your imagination beat her up pretty good. LOL
Psst...second stanza first line, I think your period fell of onto the line below it. Must have been a ghost space.
Or the spirit of the old decrepit woman playin' games.
Nice read.
/r
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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Great Job Boz.
Your imagination beat her up pretty good. LOL
Psst...second stanza first line, I think your period fell of onto the line below it. Must have been a ghost space.
Or the spirit of the old decrepit woman playin' games.
Nice read.
/r
Comment Written 24-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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Thank you Van.
Comment from waihekebach
"like a raisin losing it's breathe" is one awesome and original phrase.
You tell a poignant story here.
You might try replacing "Terrible" with a two syllable word, to enhance the flow of the poem.
I feel that the title is not neccessary at the top of your script,as it is already stated above your wonderful illustration.
"Baby' could be replaced with Babe.
My comments, are not meant, to distract from the fact,
that you have written a great poem.
Go well.
Should you do a little work on this I will give you more kudos.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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"like a raisin losing it's breathe" is one awesome and original phrase.
You tell a poignant story here.
You might try replacing "Terrible" with a two syllable word, to enhance the flow of the poem.
I feel that the title is not neccessary at the top of your script,as it is already stated above your wonderful illustration.
"Baby' could be replaced with Babe.
My comments, are not meant, to distract from the fact,
that you have written a great poem.
Go well.
Should you do a little work on this I will give you more kudos.
Comment Written 24-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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Cool. Thanks.
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You are welcome.
Comment from DebbieLass
This is a very interesting poem and perspective of the picture you saw. By looking at the lines and expression in her face I can see how you could imagine that she could be dying. I like the way you used the mythology in your poem. You did a very good job..
Debbie
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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This is a very interesting poem and perspective of the picture you saw. By looking at the lines and expression in her face I can see how you could imagine that she could be dying. I like the way you used the mythology in your poem. You did a very good job..
Debbie
Comment Written 24-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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Thank you Debby.
Comment from Zombie's Woof
Hi-
I enjoyed your bizarrely misogynistic poem;
although, I can't quite fathom your raisin/
breath metaphor, nor why you would consider
the Greek god Poseidon to be 'putrid'.
As to the latter, well, there have been a
great many imaginings and adjectives used,
but none as course as to imply that he was
putrid in any sense of the word.
For god's sake, he made the seas placid!
Again, even with stretched metaphor,
raisins don't and never will breathe.
Stolen land... thrown in a snake-pit...
decaying with worms... lovely...
And then to be with God, the great
imagination.
Uck! ZW
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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Hi-
I enjoyed your bizarrely misogynistic poem;
although, I can't quite fathom your raisin/
breath metaphor, nor why you would consider
the Greek god Poseidon to be 'putrid'.
As to the latter, well, there have been a
great many imaginings and adjectives used,
but none as course as to imply that he was
putrid in any sense of the word.
For god's sake, he made the seas placid!
Again, even with stretched metaphor,
raisins don't and never will breathe.
Stolen land... thrown in a snake-pit...
decaying with worms... lovely...
And then to be with God, the great
imagination.
Uck! ZW
Comment Written 24-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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How is it Misogynistic? It wasn't based on a real person it was a painting. It's really just about this woman having to face up to the realities of death? It's not meant to be an attack on the female race. Thank you for the review but you took it way to far.
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
Great description/interpretation of the art here. I wonder if you meant baby as she is far to old to have one-maybe bruised and beaten body??? I know you said innocent as a baby in your author notes, but the holding the baby didn't quite seem to go with that to me. ~Debbie
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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Great description/interpretation of the art here. I wonder if you meant baby as she is far to old to have one-maybe bruised and beaten body??? I know you said innocent as a baby in your author notes, but the holding the baby didn't quite seem to go with that to me. ~Debbie
Comment Written 24-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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Thank you Debbie.