Cattails Standing Guard
5-7-5 (gaurding the marshes)5 total reviews
Comment from Margaret Bednar
I'm thinking in a haiku the third line is supposed to have some sort of turn - like have two images or ideas presented in the three short lines. So in "lonely sentinels" you are still referring to the cattails... what about (using the photo as a guide use the bird. You could also choose another marsh image or animal... The season is already hinted at, I would think, as cattails are mature and full during a certain seasonal time...
A lone heron hunts (or) A white egret rests...
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2020
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I'm thinking in a haiku the third line is supposed to have some sort of turn - like have two images or ideas presented in the three short lines. So in "lonely sentinels" you are still referring to the cattails... what about (using the photo as a guide use the bird. You could also choose another marsh image or animal... The season is already hinted at, I would think, as cattails are mature and full during a certain seasonal time...
A lone heron hunts (or) A white egret rests...
Comment Written 22-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2020
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Margaret,
Your Haiku assessment is accurate and your suggestions are spot on. I changed it to a 5-7-5. For me, that turning point or satori line is the most difficult part of writing the more formal Haiku. Sometimes my observational 5-7-5 Haiku writing style does not accomplish that. I wanted to give the poem in question a soldierly allusion. It was not intended as a metaphor for the first responders during this Covid-19 virus. But as we soldier on during this isolation period, it could.
Mark
Comment from Janetsue
This is a very good 5-7-5, Mark, but it's not really a haiku because lonely sentinels is applying imagined emotion to an object and we can't actually see lonely. (Senryu, however, deals with feelings.) Haiku is only about something that can be physically observed or heard. I like the picture you've posted with your writing, a lot. It's really beautiful.
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2020
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This is a very good 5-7-5, Mark, but it's not really a haiku because lonely sentinels is applying imagined emotion to an object and we can't actually see lonely. (Senryu, however, deals with feelings.) Haiku is only about something that can be physically observed or heard. I like the picture you've posted with your writing, a lot. It's really beautiful.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2020
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Janet,
I never studied Haiku in school except that it was just 5-7-5 syllable format. Of course, the real Japanese form has a satori for its last line and nature and a seasonal element. So you are correct about my post in a pure sense.
I do thank you for your review and stars!
Mark
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Hello, Mark,
You created a lovely mental picture of the hatted cattails in the marshes. Nice imagery and cool picture to match your poem. Very well done.
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2020
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Hello, Mark,
You created a lovely mental picture of the hatted cattails in the marshes. Nice imagery and cool picture to match your poem. Very well done.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2020
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Thanks Gypsy!
Sometimes an inspiration comes from the simple fact of seeing cattails on the distance during this morning's ride on the highway.
Mark
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That's the best way to write haiku.
Comment from roof35
This is a very well written Haiku. The illustration, of course, pairs perfectly with your words. I particularly like the unique but descriptive term " brown hatted cattails." I enjoyed this short poem.
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2020
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This is a very well written Haiku. The illustration, of course, pairs perfectly with your words. I particularly like the unique but descriptive term " brown hatted cattails." I enjoyed this short poem.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2020
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Roof,
Riding this morning on the highway, we saw cattails in the field but I don't think there were marshes. Inspiration for poems sometimes is spontaneous. LOL
Mark
Comment from oliver818
This is a very nice poem, I enjoyed reading it. I love the image you crate here of the birds standing guard, it's very powerful. Thanks for sharing this and have a really great day
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2020
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This is a very nice poem, I enjoyed reading it. I love the image you crate here of the birds standing guard, it's very powerful. Thanks for sharing this and have a really great day
Comment Written 21-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2020
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Oliver,
Riding this morning on the highway, we saw cattails in the field but I don't think there were marshes. Inspiration for poems sometimes is spontaneous. LOL
Mark