Total Darkness
a contest thriller story about total darkness11 total reviews
Comment from Sharon Haiste
I think this is a good entry for the "The Dark" writing prompt.
This short story is dark and grim with a dark ending.
Well done and I wish you good luck with the contest.
Sharon
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2020
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I think this is a good entry for the "The Dark" writing prompt.
This short story is dark and grim with a dark ending.
Well done and I wish you good luck with the contest.
Sharon
Comment Written 27-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2020
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Thank you very much for the review 😊 I got third place.
Comment from Lu Saluna
Hi Gypsy,
What a great story. It flows well, had enough suspense to keep me going.
The imagery was good so I could see things happening as I read along.
A really awesome story. Good job!
Just a couple things I noted needed changing:
she fell in a deep sleep dead like. - "she feel in to a deep, dead-like sleep."
She started to cry sterically. - She start to cry hysterically.
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2020
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Hi Gypsy,
What a great story. It flows well, had enough suspense to keep me going.
The imagery was good so I could see things happening as I read along.
A really awesome story. Good job!
Just a couple things I noted needed changing:
she fell in a deep sleep dead like. - "she feel in to a deep, dead-like sleep."
She started to cry sterically. - She start to cry hysterically.
Comment Written 27-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2020
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thank you very much sweetie pie. I really appreciate the edits..i had help from a couple of people. Writing stories is not my thing but I wanted a challenge. I can't believe I won third place with this... lol
Thank you very much for the six shiny stars
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You should have placed in the contest. It is a really good story. I wasn't just say it. You should write more stories. They do get easier. I am having some trouble writing right now. I am battle some depression but I am trying. I am not going to give up.
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I know how hard it's to write when you are depressed. This too shall pass. It gets better.
I did place third in the contest. I was surprised.
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I know! Congrats! You are doing so well, I am so proud of you, I saw you got first place for the Joker as well. I am so pleased for you.
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thank you :)
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
It took a long time for the story to develop into the requirements, not really until the very last line. I'm not sure how that will play out in the judging.
The story itself may need a little tweaking here and there. I made some notes as I read through.
It's something about the way he talks ... is not genuine,- this feels a little stilted. Maybe alter is not genuine to it's not genuine?
"Don't worry Mom, everything is going to be fine. - need closing speech marks here.
Lunchtime, thank god. Five more hours to go, Robert thought.- the tag at the end (Robert thought) should not be in italics.
"2,000,000 million? Wow, that's a lot of money"- need punctuation before the closing speech marks here.
It would be better if there were clear lines between all paragraphs rather than just some. It feels a little arbitrary at the moment.
"Hello, babe" she threw herself into his opened arms- punctuation needed before the closing speech marks and the She should be capitalised.
I would suggest going through this again and looking for missing punctuation around the dialogue. There needs to be punctuation before closing speech marks at all times.
key with a Penny Wise, - Pennywise is one word.
I love it." Said, Robert.- following speech tags are lower case unless a proper noun or name. Also, no comma needed after said.
Marriage life seemed perfect - Married life is the more commonly used term.
Robert said, "no, that's not it at all. - dialogue should start with a capital unless it is continuing dialogue.
As her husband, you will insist that she be buried as soon as possible.- need opening speech marks here.
Luise had her doubts - Luisa.
She started to cry sterically. - do you mean hysterically here? (sterically means relating to the spatial arrangement of atoms in a molecule, especially as it affects chemical reactions)
After four days, Willow woke up thirsty and disoriented.- the average person can only survive for three days without water...
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2020
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Hi there,
It took a long time for the story to develop into the requirements, not really until the very last line. I'm not sure how that will play out in the judging.
The story itself may need a little tweaking here and there. I made some notes as I read through.
It's something about the way he talks ... is not genuine,- this feels a little stilted. Maybe alter is not genuine to it's not genuine?
"Don't worry Mom, everything is going to be fine. - need closing speech marks here.
Lunchtime, thank god. Five more hours to go, Robert thought.- the tag at the end (Robert thought) should not be in italics.
"2,000,000 million? Wow, that's a lot of money"- need punctuation before the closing speech marks here.
It would be better if there were clear lines between all paragraphs rather than just some. It feels a little arbitrary at the moment.
"Hello, babe" she threw herself into his opened arms- punctuation needed before the closing speech marks and the She should be capitalised.
I would suggest going through this again and looking for missing punctuation around the dialogue. There needs to be punctuation before closing speech marks at all times.
key with a Penny Wise, - Pennywise is one word.
I love it." Said, Robert.- following speech tags are lower case unless a proper noun or name. Also, no comma needed after said.
Marriage life seemed perfect - Married life is the more commonly used term.
Robert said, "no, that's not it at all. - dialogue should start with a capital unless it is continuing dialogue.
As her husband, you will insist that she be buried as soon as possible.- need opening speech marks here.
Luise had her doubts - Luisa.
She started to cry sterically. - do you mean hysterically here? (sterically means relating to the spatial arrangement of atoms in a molecule, especially as it affects chemical reactions)
After four days, Willow woke up thirsty and disoriented.- the average person can only survive for three days without water...
Comment Written 27-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2020
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Thank you very much for your help...I need it. Writing stories is not my thing but I want it a challenge. I had help from a couple of people. Nobody has been nasty about it, which I really appreciate. Believe it or not, I won third place in the contest. I was surprised.
Thank you for the review, my friend,
gypsy
Comment from Therese Caron
This is an excellent and exciting story. It is funny how Willow's mother felt something about Robert was not right. Mothers seem to have that knack. I was grabbed at the beginning and I must admit I raced through it to get to the end. Very good story idea and very well written. The end was horrifying, but it was supposed to be. Great job and good luck in the contest!
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2020
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This is an excellent and exciting story. It is funny how Willow's mother felt something about Robert was not right. Mothers seem to have that knack. I was grabbed at the beginning and I must admit I raced through it to get to the end. Very good story idea and very well written. The end was horrifying, but it was supposed to be. Great job and good luck in the contest!
Comment Written 26-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2020
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Thank you very much for the review 😊
Comment from Jeffrey L. Michaux
This is sad, diaobolical, and sinister. They planned it out to the letter. I imagine that their are drugs out there that can have this kind of effect. I imagine that this kind of thing happens every day. Someone gets tired of the relationship that they have and start cheating. I think that this takes cheating to a new level. Thanks for sharing this engaging and well written work. Well done!
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2020
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This is sad, diaobolical, and sinister. They planned it out to the letter. I imagine that their are drugs out there that can have this kind of effect. I imagine that this kind of thing happens every day. Someone gets tired of the relationship that they have and start cheating. I think that this takes cheating to a new level. Thanks for sharing this engaging and well written work. Well done!
Comment Written 26-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2020
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Thank you very much for the review 😊
Comment from Stephanie Paige
I enjoyed reading your story. I am an avid true crime fan so this was right up my alley. Although it felt quickly paced, you succeeded on getting the important facts stated. I couldn't even imagine being buried alive. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2020
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I enjoyed reading your story. I am an avid true crime fan so this was right up my alley. Although it felt quickly paced, you succeeded on getting the important facts stated. I couldn't even imagine being buried alive. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 26-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2020
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Thank you very much for the review 😊 fellow crime genre
Comment from Sallyo
The characters and plot and situation work well in this story. It's a horrific horror! Where it needs work is in the editing. I've put some examples below. A lot of the punctuation is missing, and some words are incorrect.
I suggest you read the story slowly, aloud, and then you'll see where the words are wrong.
If you polish it up, it will be a good one.
genuine." Mina
genuine," Mina
orry mom, everything is going to be fine.
orry Mom, everything is going to be fine."
to go. Robert
to go, Robert
found?" Asked Robert.
found?" asked Robert.
money" Robert's smiled. It was
money." Robert smiled. It was
clearly static.
clearly ecstatic.
away." Said
away," said
him impatient
him impatiently
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2020
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The characters and plot and situation work well in this story. It's a horrific horror! Where it needs work is in the editing. I've put some examples below. A lot of the punctuation is missing, and some words are incorrect.
I suggest you read the story slowly, aloud, and then you'll see where the words are wrong.
If you polish it up, it will be a good one.
genuine." Mina
genuine," Mina
orry mom, everything is going to be fine.
orry Mom, everything is going to be fine."
to go. Robert
to go, Robert
found?" Asked Robert.
found?" asked Robert.
money" Robert's smiled. It was
money." Robert smiled. It was
clearly static.
clearly ecstatic.
away." Said
away," said
him impatient
him impatiently
Comment Written 26-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2020
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Thank you very much for the review and valuable feedback. I need all the constructive criticism that I can get. Writing stories is not easy for me. I wanted to challenge myself. I will make the changes now. Thanks, Sallyo!
Comment from Aaqib Naeem
Wow that was really dark! And a really sinister plan by Robert and Luise...I feel like Luise is the worst of them both! She is pushy, psychotic and petty and Robert is the reluctant follower because he loves her! Horrific ending for poor Willow! Best wishes for the contest!
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2020
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Wow that was really dark! And a really sinister plan by Robert and Luise...I feel like Luise is the worst of them both! She is pushy, psychotic and petty and Robert is the reluctant follower because he loves her! Horrific ending for poor Willow! Best wishes for the contest!
Comment Written 25-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2020
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Thank you very much for the review 😊
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You are most welcome! :-)
Comment from Diana L Crawford
Oh my what a horrible way to end up! This is a very good entry for the "dark" contest! Poor Willow! She certainly does seem to have deserved being buried alive!
Gook luck in the contest! xoxo
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2020
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Oh my what a horrible way to end up! This is a very good entry for the "dark" contest! Poor Willow! She certainly does seem to have deserved being buried alive!
Gook luck in the contest! xoxo
Comment Written 24-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2020
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Thank you very much for the review 😊
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Very welcome!
Comment from Karen Iseminger
ugh... I hate scary stuff ;) This is a great story for horror lovers.
You jump around a bit - and I know you have to in order to develop the story. Maybe work on the transitions finding a way to bridge the gaps and make them more seamless. Also, I'm not sure where James went... the guy mentioned in the opening dialogue? Is he Robert? You might want to edit that quick...
Keep writing! Good luck :)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2020
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ugh... I hate scary stuff ;) This is a great story for horror lovers.
You jump around a bit - and I know you have to in order to develop the story. Maybe work on the transitions finding a way to bridge the gaps and make them more seamless. Also, I'm not sure where James went... the guy mentioned in the opening dialogue? Is he Robert? You might want to edit that quick...
Keep writing! Good luck :)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 24-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2020
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thank you