People We Once Knew
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "Artemis"Short Stories
9 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
The opening line quite panoramic in its undertaking. A nice sweeping scene setting.
Jessica probably would have used them as dart boards. - dartboards could be a single word here.
and listen to tapes of the The Who and the Yardbirds - I would drop the first 'the' here.
Jessica was on the look out for something better. - lookout could be a single word here.
Of course, she really could care less about these transient tourists; - I think this should probably be couldn't care less.
of oldies bands and cabaret acts and comedians that provided entertainment in the - I would suggest who rather than that when referring to folk.
old Barry Manilow numbers and Neill Diamond - Neil.
I felt the first third of this hit a very sombre tone, which I get is intentional. The biggest thing I noticed though in this section was the passivity in the write. It's pretty much a lot of exposition and relies heavily on telling on showing. I think you could strike a more even tone in this respect with a little alteration. It's entirely up to you as it's your tale but some of this could have been covered in dialogue between Marlene & Jessica, detailing their longing to depart for example. it wold help give it more directness. just a thought.
"It would be great though," she demurred, "It would be our ticket out of here. We could go wherever we wanted - technically the second piece of dialogue here should be lower case to start as the previous isn't closed off.
"What name would you pick?" Marlene asked her, curious.'
- delete the mark from the very end here.
"It's a little slow for me," he said, "What do you think?" - same thing as before about the continuing dialogue.
"Oh, I'll listen to anything," she said, "We don't get many big acts up here." - and here, too.
"California," he said, with a smile, "From LA."- and here as well. there may be more of these but you can check for those yourself if so inclined.
"You came to take pictures of me?" she asked coily. - coyly.
This is a nice meditation on loneliness and dreaming. A good solid character study and looking for opportunities and shortcuts to a better time and place.
All the best
G
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2019
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The opening line quite panoramic in its undertaking. A nice sweeping scene setting.
Jessica probably would have used them as dart boards. - dartboards could be a single word here.
and listen to tapes of the The Who and the Yardbirds - I would drop the first 'the' here.
Jessica was on the look out for something better. - lookout could be a single word here.
Of course, she really could care less about these transient tourists; - I think this should probably be couldn't care less.
of oldies bands and cabaret acts and comedians that provided entertainment in the - I would suggest who rather than that when referring to folk.
old Barry Manilow numbers and Neill Diamond - Neil.
I felt the first third of this hit a very sombre tone, which I get is intentional. The biggest thing I noticed though in this section was the passivity in the write. It's pretty much a lot of exposition and relies heavily on telling on showing. I think you could strike a more even tone in this respect with a little alteration. It's entirely up to you as it's your tale but some of this could have been covered in dialogue between Marlene & Jessica, detailing their longing to depart for example. it wold help give it more directness. just a thought.
"It would be great though," she demurred, "It would be our ticket out of here. We could go wherever we wanted - technically the second piece of dialogue here should be lower case to start as the previous isn't closed off.
"What name would you pick?" Marlene asked her, curious.'
- delete the mark from the very end here.
"It's a little slow for me," he said, "What do you think?" - same thing as before about the continuing dialogue.
"Oh, I'll listen to anything," she said, "We don't get many big acts up here." - and here, too.
"California," he said, with a smile, "From LA."- and here as well. there may be more of these but you can check for those yourself if so inclined.
"You came to take pictures of me?" she asked coily. - coyly.
This is a nice meditation on loneliness and dreaming. A good solid character study and looking for opportunities and shortcuts to a better time and place.
All the best
G
Comment Written 22-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2019
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Thanks for the good review and all your comments, perspectives and suggestions. To do it in dialogue would be another approach, maybe it would put you in the middle of this more, but the distance between reader and the characters I think is part of the perspective of the piece, and underlines the theme. I would have to think about it, but in this case, probably no. I enjoyed writing this story and the descriptions, the influences came from Cheever and Updike probably more than anywhere else, maybe a bit of Joyce thrown in. In my opinion there's nothing wrong with narrative as long as there's personality to it. I think the story isn't so much about dreaming and short cuts to better places as it is being adrift in the world with nothing for a foundation and no idea of where to go and how to get there. That's why I left it where it was in the middle of the road. estory
Comment from HealingMuse
Hi Estory,
This is quite an intriguing read, my friend.
Your words are quite effective in painting pictures of the small town, "leaf peepers," the two bored young women, and the bartender's scheming mind.
Very nicely done. I can't wait to see what the ladies do with that debit card.
Thanks for sharing.
Jan
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2019
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Hi Estory,
This is quite an intriguing read, my friend.
Your words are quite effective in painting pictures of the small town, "leaf peepers," the two bored young women, and the bartender's scheming mind.
Very nicely done. I can't wait to see what the ladies do with that debit card.
Thanks for sharing.
Jan
Comment Written 21-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2019
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Thanks so much for the excellent review and your encouraging comments supporting this story. I am glad the characters came through well articulated and the situations seemed indicative of the theme. This is a stand alone story. My stuff kind of begins and ends in the middle of nowhere, much like a great influence on me, Raymond Carver, and his pieces about suburbia. These are characters without roots, shifting aimlessly, going into the unknown. estory
Comment from Ms. Snyder
This was a well crafted story that I was able to escape readily and quickly. I think the 51 year old me found identifiers in multiple characters throughout this story. Knowing what it is like to dream and have the dream go nowhere is definitely a theme I could I understand. But I have also wondered from the other end of the spectrum as well. For many years living in a town like Las Vegas many youth would come through seeking their fame and fortune. It was a great story. I like the ending a lot! I appreciate that you did not tie this up in a neatly formulated romance that has been rehashed to death!!!! Superb! VIRTUAL six for sure! Cheers, Fonda
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2019
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This was a well crafted story that I was able to escape readily and quickly. I think the 51 year old me found identifiers in multiple characters throughout this story. Knowing what it is like to dream and have the dream go nowhere is definitely a theme I could I understand. But I have also wondered from the other end of the spectrum as well. For many years living in a town like Las Vegas many youth would come through seeking their fame and fortune. It was a great story. I like the ending a lot! I appreciate that you did not tie this up in a neatly formulated romance that has been rehashed to death!!!! Superb! VIRTUAL six for sure! Cheers, Fonda
Comment Written 20-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2019
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Thanks so much for the excellent review and your encouraging comments and perspective on the story. You seem to be on the same wavelength as I am, exploring this foundationless world drifting through life, stumbling into tragedy. I like to do honest, tragic pieces reminiscent of real life, and working out of the box is as great a compliment as anyone can pay me. Glad you enjoyed it and found so many connections in it. estory
Comment from Mustang Patty
Hi,
This was so wistful. I felt incredibly sad for Jessica. She wanted more, but she didn't really want to work for it. Of course, no one had ever taught her how to get the things you want.
The story is told well and I loved the visuals you created with images of lakes and mountains, smoke-filled bars, and incensed homes.
My heart hurts for Jessica as I think about her making the drive to LA, only to find that once she's there, she will still be looking...and waiting.
Well done,
~patty~
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2019
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Hi,
This was so wistful. I felt incredibly sad for Jessica. She wanted more, but she didn't really want to work for it. Of course, no one had ever taught her how to get the things you want.
The story is told well and I loved the visuals you created with images of lakes and mountains, smoke-filled bars, and incensed homes.
My heart hurts for Jessica as I think about her making the drive to LA, only to find that once she's there, she will still be looking...and waiting.
Well done,
~patty~
Comment Written 20-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2019
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Thanks so much for the excellent review and the interesting perspective you had of the story, and the encouraging comments in support of it. I hadn't really thought of Jessica as someone to be pitied, but of course, on some level, she is. She has had to find her own way in life, with no guideposts, and this is what she has come up with. Glad it resonated so strongly with you and your reviews are especially meaningful to me, estory
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I love to read your work
Comment from susand3022
I'll tell you something Estory... those missing relationships in your family are sometimes terrifying! Could this girl not look past the end of her own nose and see this guy who came to the area to take leaf peeper pictures... and if he's a pro he probably came before that too... or maybe he's not and just left the card on purpose because he's her father and he knows it. Those things are scary... I had a missing brother for a long time... well half brother. For the longest time, not knowing exactly how old he was... I only really knew he had to be older than my oldest sister... I wouldn't date anyone older than her. Until I dated a guy 18 years my senior... I figured that was safe enough! LOL
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2019
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I'll tell you something Estory... those missing relationships in your family are sometimes terrifying! Could this girl not look past the end of her own nose and see this guy who came to the area to take leaf peeper pictures... and if he's a pro he probably came before that too... or maybe he's not and just left the card on purpose because he's her father and he knows it. Those things are scary... I had a missing brother for a long time... well half brother. For the longest time, not knowing exactly how old he was... I only really knew he had to be older than my oldest sister... I wouldn't date anyone older than her. Until I dated a guy 18 years my senior... I figured that was safe enough! LOL
Comment Written 20-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2019
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Thanks so much for the excellent review and your interesting perspective on the story. It always amazes me how the story can become so many different things to different people, but I take it as a sign the writing is obtuse enough to do that, and I strive to write that way to achieve this. estory
Comment from Randa Dayle
I found your story interesting. People are at times not connected or make plans. Wouldn't it be really strange to live like that... floating from place to place.
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2019
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I found your story interesting. People are at times not connected or make plans. Wouldn't it be really strange to live like that... floating from place to place.
Comment Written 19-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2019
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Thanks so much for the excellent review and your encouraging comments supporting the story. Glad the characters came alive for you, and got you thinking of the ride they have made for themselves...estory
Comment from Tootsie55
This was a great (bit loooong though) chapter. Good work and a great read. I look forward to some more of this if it is going somewhere. One tiny spag....stealing glances at her while her back was turne(d)
There is another trip up for reading and a Rant over in sankey.
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2019
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This was a great (bit loooong though) chapter. Good work and a great read. I look forward to some more of this if it is going somewhere. One tiny spag....stealing glances at her while her back was turne(d)
There is another trip up for reading and a Rant over in sankey.
Comment Written 19-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2019
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Thanks again for the exceptional review and your support of this piece, as well as the interesting perspective on it. estory
Comment from Miss Sherry
An exceptionally good story that keeps the attention. I like the way you flesh out your characters without being hokey about it. They seem genuine and there is a promise that they will continue to grow and develop. There is just enough of the tramp and bad girl in Jessica that she can go either way. I thought maybe she was going to take up with the guy and con him into taking her with him...even had a thought of something more sinister happening. I will be anxious to see where the story goes from here. Good stuff.
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2019
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An exceptionally good story that keeps the attention. I like the way you flesh out your characters without being hokey about it. They seem genuine and there is a promise that they will continue to grow and develop. There is just enough of the tramp and bad girl in Jessica that she can go either way. I thought maybe she was going to take up with the guy and con him into taking her with him...even had a thought of something more sinister happening. I will be anxious to see where the story goes from here. Good stuff.
Comment Written 19-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2019
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Thanks so much for the excellent review and your encouraging comments and perspective. I am glad the characters came alive for you and validated my hopes for it. I try to write them obtuse enough that anyone can find a genuine aspect to them, and that means a lot to me. This is a stand alone story, something in the vein of Raymond Carver, who did all these wonderful stories that come from nowhere and go nowhere in suburbia. estory
Comment from C. Gale Burnett
You certainly had my attention on this one. After reading the story, I read your author notes. I must say, this wonderful story was interpreted by me just as you meant for it to. Total success!
I really enjoyed this story. I've know many, many people like Jessica's mom, Jessica and Marlene. I know many more that try to get through this world by taking from others rather than achieving for themselves. There was so much reality in this story. In my early, early years I held jobs waitressing, and a great job at Kings Dominion. That was many ages ago. So, I really do know the kind of people you have so vividly described in your story. (Just for the record, I work in a court system, wanting more but wanting to earn it.)
This is a great write. I am so glad you shared it.
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2019
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You certainly had my attention on this one. After reading the story, I read your author notes. I must say, this wonderful story was interpreted by me just as you meant for it to. Total success!
I really enjoyed this story. I've know many, many people like Jessica's mom, Jessica and Marlene. I know many more that try to get through this world by taking from others rather than achieving for themselves. There was so much reality in this story. In my early, early years I held jobs waitressing, and a great job at Kings Dominion. That was many ages ago. So, I really do know the kind of people you have so vividly described in your story. (Just for the record, I work in a court system, wanting more but wanting to earn it.)
This is a great write. I am so glad you shared it.
Comment Written 19-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2019
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Thanks so much for your excellent review and your encouraging comments supporting the story. I am glad the characters and the theme came alive for you, and they took you on this journey they are on; it validates the work I put into it. I love writing stories about suburbia, the place I know best, and these foundationless people drifting through life, like many in our society today. estory