Sins of Chaos
Viewing comments for Chapter 36 "Savage/Part Three"A Novel of the Breedline series
6 total reviews
Comment from ngage
Another tense chapter, Ms. Shana. So now Mia is going to have a baby, the Covenant has pardoned her sister, Eve and she plans to take her twin boys to see their father who is in a coma. Wow! You did a professional job telling the story without losing the reader. You excel in this.
And as the story moves on, Yelena is falling for Apollyon. But now he seems to be in trouble as he waited too long to feed on human blood. Very interesting indeed. I'm looking forward to the next episode.
Nate
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2019
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Another tense chapter, Ms. Shana. So now Mia is going to have a baby, the Covenant has pardoned her sister, Eve and she plans to take her twin boys to see their father who is in a coma. Wow! You did a professional job telling the story without losing the reader. You excel in this.
And as the story moves on, Yelena is falling for Apollyon. But now he seems to be in trouble as he waited too long to feed on human blood. Very interesting indeed. I'm looking forward to the next episode.
Nate
Comment Written 03-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2019
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Thank you dear friend! :)
So glad to hear you followed the story well. I always have a lot going on with my characters, and I pray I don't lose the readers interest. Thanks for letting me know. If I can entertain you... my job is complete. That is music to my ears.
Big hugs,
Shana :)
Comment from apky
If there's any author who knows how to play the emotional ups and downs, you have the top place there. You are able to make a reader feel sorry for someone like Apollyon, even really like him.
This was one of your best chapters so far. You started it off with conflict/dilemma for Eve and Mia, then revved it up to that of Apollyon and Yelena.
Simply brilliant. Thank God I still had a six left. Normally I reserve one for you, then I generously spread the rest around...
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2019
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If there's any author who knows how to play the emotional ups and downs, you have the top place there. You are able to make a reader feel sorry for someone like Apollyon, even really like him.
This was one of your best chapters so far. You started it off with conflict/dilemma for Eve and Mia, then revved it up to that of Apollyon and Yelena.
Simply brilliant. Thank God I still had a six left. Normally I reserve one for you, then I generously spread the rest around...
Comment Written 02-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2019
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Thank you dear friend :)
This is the most heartwarming review I have had. You are such a wonderful person to me. I am truly blessed. I was so worried about this chapter. I thought maybe it wouldn't be interesting enough for the readers. After reading your review, I was wrong.
I'm glad you enjoyed the sister bond between Mia and Eve. At first, they were enemies. I love to bring characters together after conflict. It shows that there is hope for everyone no matter the situation.
I was hoping you would say that about Apollyon. He is a savage, but truly battles with the way he was born. Maybe Yelena can bring him over to the good side.
Thanks again for everything you do to help and encourage me.
Always your fan,
Shana :)
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Always my pleasure, darling <3
Comment from XGoneX
Hello, Scongrove,
The summary detailing what happened previously was very helpful for readers like me, who are reading this story for the first time. I also read the author's notes. Appollyon and Yelena story sounds particularly intriguing.
I understand that Sebastian is fighting a very difficult fight. Demons, his intrinsic nature. Eve thinks there is good in him. For some reason, it reminded me of Star Wars :)
When Mia agrees to do what Eve asked her, it was a very heartfelt scene, even for a reader like me who hasn't been following the story. If I opened the book and read a random page, like this one, it would definitely intrigue me enough to buy the book.
'Eve closed her eyes against the tears as Mia's impassioned words hit the very soul of her. She'd always tried to imagine what it would be like to hear those words, to know she was loved by a family' -- Eve just wants to be loved.
Eve was pardoned by the Breedline Council, and her sister seems willing to help her.
It was terrible what Appollyon's father did, just because of a science project, power really. The lust for human blood is a battle for sure.
About the foreign language, I wonder if you could tell those words instead?
'Yelena nodded and was left alone with the monster she now loved.' -- I hope Apollyon comes back to her.
Strong and intriguing storyline, and your writing style is excellent, above average.
BELOVED - A word used by a Breedline to express the bond to their mate.-- Be careful not to refer to characters as beloved all the time. Sarah J Mass's character Freyre calls Rhys my mate all the time. A Court of Wings and ruin -- 200 times! It was really *cringe*
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2019
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Hello, Scongrove,
The summary detailing what happened previously was very helpful for readers like me, who are reading this story for the first time. I also read the author's notes. Appollyon and Yelena story sounds particularly intriguing.
I understand that Sebastian is fighting a very difficult fight. Demons, his intrinsic nature. Eve thinks there is good in him. For some reason, it reminded me of Star Wars :)
When Mia agrees to do what Eve asked her, it was a very heartfelt scene, even for a reader like me who hasn't been following the story. If I opened the book and read a random page, like this one, it would definitely intrigue me enough to buy the book.
'Eve closed her eyes against the tears as Mia's impassioned words hit the very soul of her. She'd always tried to imagine what it would be like to hear those words, to know she was loved by a family' -- Eve just wants to be loved.
Eve was pardoned by the Breedline Council, and her sister seems willing to help her.
It was terrible what Appollyon's father did, just because of a science project, power really. The lust for human blood is a battle for sure.
About the foreign language, I wonder if you could tell those words instead?
'Yelena nodded and was left alone with the monster she now loved.' -- I hope Apollyon comes back to her.
Strong and intriguing storyline, and your writing style is excellent, above average.
BELOVED - A word used by a Breedline to express the bond to their mate.-- Be careful not to refer to characters as beloved all the time. Sarah J Mass's character Freyre calls Rhys my mate all the time. A Court of Wings and ruin -- 200 times! It was really *cringe*
Comment Written 01-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2019
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Thank you so much! :)
It's so nice to hear feedback from a new reader, especially positive and motivating as yours. You blew me away when you said if you picked up this book and opened it to this chapter, it would be enough to make you want to buy it. Wow! Hearing that is the biggest reward I could ever ask for. Thank you!
I always hope that readers will enjoy my Breedline adventures as much as I love to create them. They have become a big part of my life in the last four years. I write as a hobby in my spare time. All four of the series are self-published. I think I might get the courage to send the fifth one I'm currently writing to a traditional publishing company. If I am turned down, it will never discourage me to stop writing. It may sound strange, but this gives me a purpose in life.
Thanks again for all your time, your helpful advice, and the beautiful words. You made a difference in my day.
Sincerely,
Shana :)
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I understand that well, and it was a pleasure. It's very rare to find fantasy works I like in this site, so thank you for posting.
I did publish two bestselling fantasy books (it's possible!) If you want the traditional route, it's better to send something new, unless your books have sold well. But nothing stops you from becoming a successful self-published author :) Sometimes you will make more money through self-publishing than through a publisher that doesn't pay advance. Have you heard about Mark Dawson? His course is great! Since you have more than one book, it's even easier for you. I had a publishing contract and three agents until this day. But I was just not desperate and I wanted to try both routes.
I wish you much success!
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Thank you! :)
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hello. Which one is book 1? I looked for it, but there were several books in your portfolio :)
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Sweet Chaos
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Thank you. I look for it on Amazon.
Comment from robyn corum
S,
Wow! You certainly packed a lot into one chapter/post, here. Way to go! *smile* I have only caught infrequent bits of this storyline, but can see, in this portion, what keeps your readers coming back.
The piece was extremely well written (with the exception of only a few notes/comments I've made below - that you may use or ignore, of course), packed with imagery and great characters. I could see everything playing out really well. You have a delightful way of interspersing your narrative with dialogue AND action info - something a lot of writers leave out, but that helps the reader jump into the story so much better (imo).
Great job!
Notes:
1.) towel over the wet strands to keep (them) from dripping on her clothes
2.) Mia studied her for a moment, noticing the intense look on her sister's face and the weariness in her eyes.
--> this is actually head-hopping - you're jumping from the initial character's pov into the sister's - not to be done, typically.
3.) She nodded and watched Eve battle the tears,
--> always be aware of your pronouns and who they refer back to. When your reader has to STOP - even for a moment - to try to make sure who's talking, you lose momentum.
--> Mia/Her sister nodded...
4.) Eve braced herself for Mia's rejection, but instead, she eased forward and placed her hand over hers.
--> again, who is doing what, here? Not absolutely clear
5.) Her heart was beating so hard, that she could feel her blood pulsing, and hear the roaring in her ears.
--> no commas needed
6.) so she could burrow her fingers through his long silken strands
--> you may care and may not, but you just used 'strands' in describing Eve's hair in the very beginning. A new word here would be nice.
Thanks - hope this may help a bit! Good luck-- Still worth a five!
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2019
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S,
Wow! You certainly packed a lot into one chapter/post, here. Way to go! *smile* I have only caught infrequent bits of this storyline, but can see, in this portion, what keeps your readers coming back.
The piece was extremely well written (with the exception of only a few notes/comments I've made below - that you may use or ignore, of course), packed with imagery and great characters. I could see everything playing out really well. You have a delightful way of interspersing your narrative with dialogue AND action info - something a lot of writers leave out, but that helps the reader jump into the story so much better (imo).
Great job!
Notes:
1.) towel over the wet strands to keep (them) from dripping on her clothes
2.) Mia studied her for a moment, noticing the intense look on her sister's face and the weariness in her eyes.
--> this is actually head-hopping - you're jumping from the initial character's pov into the sister's - not to be done, typically.
3.) She nodded and watched Eve battle the tears,
--> always be aware of your pronouns and who they refer back to. When your reader has to STOP - even for a moment - to try to make sure who's talking, you lose momentum.
--> Mia/Her sister nodded...
4.) Eve braced herself for Mia's rejection, but instead, she eased forward and placed her hand over hers.
--> again, who is doing what, here? Not absolutely clear
5.) Her heart was beating so hard, that she could feel her blood pulsing, and hear the roaring in her ears.
--> no commas needed
6.) so she could burrow her fingers through his long silken strands
--> you may care and may not, but you just used 'strands' in describing Eve's hair in the very beginning. A new word here would be nice.
Thanks - hope this may help a bit! Good luck-- Still worth a five!
Comment Written 31-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2019
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Thank you, Robyn :)
So nice to hear from you! I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter. It was fun to write as always. I love to hear what readers think of the description of the characters, and the story. Just hearing they enjoyed it is such a reward to me. Another reward is getting helpful advice. Thank you for that! This is the only way I grow as a writer. I believe it's important to always learn from others. Everyone here on FanStory has been such a great help to me. I can see it in each book I write. Without kind people like you, I would have never grown to be a better writer.
Sincerely,
Shana :)
Comment from royowen
You are the greatest support on this site for me, and I see why, you have a grasp of what love and grace actually are, and that is, it's important to see the potential for good in a person, as Mia does for her sister Eve, and God certainly sees that potential in His children, and that's why He chooses them, not because they're good, but they are potentially so, by His grace, that desire is there. And Appollyon is also showing that potential that Eve and Sebastion are showing, I hope others see that in your writing, sister Shana, blessings and prosperity fro the new year, for you, your son, and Carl, well done, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2019
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You are the greatest support on this site for me, and I see why, you have a grasp of what love and grace actually are, and that is, it's important to see the potential for good in a person, as Mia does for her sister Eve, and God certainly sees that potential in His children, and that's why He chooses them, not because they're good, but they are potentially so, by His grace, that desire is there. And Appollyon is also showing that potential that Eve and Sebastion are showing, I hope others see that in your writing, sister Shana, blessings and prosperity fro the new year, for you, your son, and Carl, well done, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 31-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2019
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Thank you dear friend :)
It's so rewarding to hear you say that about my writing. I do want to bring love, peace, and light into my story. Some of my readers ask why I always turn the bad guys into good guys. The answer is... because I believe there is good in all things. It just takes some of us longer to see His grace.
Thank you so much for all your lovely words. You encourage me beyond. I'm blessed to know you.
Always your fan,
Shana :)
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It's always my extreme pleasure Shana
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Thank you, Roy! :)
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Bless you Shana
Comment from fm wright
It was perfectly spellbinding. I found absolutely no errors. It kept on course with everything that came before it and had caught in it's spell from the very start. I really like the way the characters are progressing and the story is going.
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2019
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It was perfectly spellbinding. I found absolutely no errors. It kept on course with everything that came before it and had caught in it's spell from the very start. I really like the way the characters are progressing and the story is going.
Comment Written 31-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2019
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Thank you so much! :)
I was afraid this chapter would come across as a little dry. But to my surprise, I was wrong. I'm glad you enjoyed. Thanks for following my story. It means a lot to me. I don't get much followers, but the ones I have... are fabulous!
Big hug,
Shana :)
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Well, you've got me as a follower!
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Thank you so much! :)
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You are so welcome!
