Fire Escape
One fire, Two lives changed forever13 total reviews
Comment from Cecilia A Heiskary
Sandollar,
This is a great story. Why would a mother throw her child out of a burning building and come back three years later. I would put up a fight also.
Well done and good luck in the contest
Cecilia
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Sandollar,
This is a great story. Why would a mother throw her child out of a burning building and come back three years later. I would put up a fight also.
Well done and good luck in the contest
Cecilia
Comment Written 26-Dec-2024
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Nicely written.
...five fingers with two whiskey stones - ice cubes?
I don't know. Three years is a long time, but... Arly knew the deal. If she gave the baby a home, she would be a real blessing to the child, but mother would return.
Good luck in the contest.
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Nicely written.
...five fingers with two whiskey stones - ice cubes?
I don't know. Three years is a long time, but... Arly knew the deal. If she gave the baby a home, she would be a real blessing to the child, but mother would return.
Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 26-Dec-2024
Comment from Ric Myworld
I'm guessing, but it appears two sides are about to be pulling against the other wanting Eve. And I can make excuses for both to have her. What a difficult situation you've created, an outstanding conflict. I wish I had a six. Unfortunately, as you already know, they don't give us enough. If we read 10 stories a week, we get 6 stars: and if we read two hundred, we still only get six stars. Thanks for sharing.
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I'm guessing, but it appears two sides are about to be pulling against the other wanting Eve. And I can make excuses for both to have her. What a difficult situation you've created, an outstanding conflict. I wish I had a six. Unfortunately, as you already know, they don't give us enough. If we read 10 stories a week, we get 6 stars: and if we read two hundred, we still only get six stars. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 25-Dec-2024
Comment from Brenda Strauser
What s compelling story. Very interesting and well written. I enjoyed reading it
I like the theme of the story.
Good luck in the contest.
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What s compelling story. Very interesting and well written. I enjoyed reading it
I like the theme of the story.
Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 25-Dec-2024
Comment from June Sargent
In this day and age of throw-away mentality, I can see this happening. She will have the fight of her life for Evie, but it's worth it. She deserves more than just a mom of convenience. Your story hooked me in right away. Much enjoyed.
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In this day and age of throw-away mentality, I can see this happening. She will have the fight of her life for Evie, but it's worth it. She deserves more than just a mom of convenience. Your story hooked me in right away. Much enjoyed.
Comment Written 25-Dec-2024
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
There was no artwork. No picture. The story is captivating. I'm with Arly. I hope you write a lot more of it. I send much love to you and yours. The holiday season and beyond. Karen
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There was no artwork. No picture. The story is captivating. I'm with Arly. I hope you write a lot more of it. I send much love to you and yours. The holiday season and beyond. Karen
Comment Written 23-Dec-2024
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
Dear Sandollar, what an action-packed story which engrosses the reader from the start. I like the pace of it and found the prose fluent and readable. I could imagine that, once Arly caught the baby, a bond would immediately form which would be difficult to break, especially given the baby's very pleasing disposition and the letter inside the coverlet. I didn't find the description of the locality disruptive to the plot and was intrigued to discover how events had panned out three years later (a seamless transition). What I did find somewhat lacking in credibility was the letter, document and money which I felt over-sentimentalised an, otherwise, compelling story. Given the seriousness of the fire, I guess she wouldn't have had the time or capacity to put all that together so neatly. But I am definitely hooked in should you decide to take this story further. Well done and good luck! Warm wishes, Debbie
Arly('s) voice was hoarse from the smoke
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Dear Sandollar, what an action-packed story which engrosses the reader from the start. I like the pace of it and found the prose fluent and readable. I could imagine that, once Arly caught the baby, a bond would immediately form which would be difficult to break, especially given the baby's very pleasing disposition and the letter inside the coverlet. I didn't find the description of the locality disruptive to the plot and was intrigued to discover how events had panned out three years later (a seamless transition). What I did find somewhat lacking in credibility was the letter, document and money which I felt over-sentimentalised an, otherwise, compelling story. Given the seriousness of the fire, I guess she wouldn't have had the time or capacity to put all that together so neatly. But I am definitely hooked in should you decide to take this story further. Well done and good luck! Warm wishes, Debbie
Arly('s) voice was hoarse from the smoke
Comment Written 23-Dec-2024
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
Wow, your story pulled me in right from the start! I loved how you made the fire scene so real. I could almost hear the crackling flames. Arly's strength was great - especially when she decided to keep Evie despite all the uncertainty. You've created such a heartfelt story. Keep writing!
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Wow, your story pulled me in right from the start! I loved how you made the fire scene so real. I could almost hear the crackling flames. Arly's strength was great - especially when she decided to keep Evie despite all the uncertainty. You've created such a heartfelt story. Keep writing!
Comment Written 23-Dec-2024
Comment from Lana Marie
That was a nice story, it made me want to keep reading. Find out what's gonna happen after the visit if she would visit again. Great job. Merry Christmas
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That was a nice story, it made me want to keep reading. Find out what's gonna happen after the visit if she would visit again. Great job. Merry Christmas
Comment Written 23-Dec-2024
Comment from Janis M.
Hi, I was about to read the third part of the story, but thought I would start at the beginning so I could give a proper review. I think you move the story along at a proper pace for being a short story, but I did notice somethings that as a reader really stood out as problematic.
Some suggestions:
Suspension of disbelief. While it can be reasonable to expect some suspension of disbelief such as a woman coming to adopt a baby from a stranger in a fire and having her potentially return years later, it is impossible to believe the baby survived being thrown out of a window multiple stories high (though it is is not specifically stated) the baby's neck would not have survives. But let's say that she did, she would not be a calm and happy baby. Not unless this is a fantasy or supernatural story. The other hard area to believe is that social work wouldn't have been involved even with a birth certificate. It isn't as simple as that. The mother's name is on a birth certificate and eventually authorities would come and question the situation. A smaller detail that could be fixed is that the ladies at the salon just happened to have a wicker basket. Now some of these details such as the basket could be resolved with more information. Perhaps one of the hair stylists just had a baby and she has had to bring her to work. But then I would tell the reader that. And show them there is a convenient reason for something that seems highly out of place.
Also, it may be your intention but the last paragraph makes your main character seem highly vindictive. (She had her chance?) without even knowing what the woman had gone through? The letter also said she would come back as soon as possible.
I could see her having mixed feelings and a desperation to hold on to a child she has bonded with, but not to get rid of all consideration of a natural mother all together.
Now this might be your intention, but if not, it does not put your character in a good light.
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2023
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Hi, I was about to read the third part of the story, but thought I would start at the beginning so I could give a proper review. I think you move the story along at a proper pace for being a short story, but I did notice somethings that as a reader really stood out as problematic.
Some suggestions:
Suspension of disbelief. While it can be reasonable to expect some suspension of disbelief such as a woman coming to adopt a baby from a stranger in a fire and having her potentially return years later, it is impossible to believe the baby survived being thrown out of a window multiple stories high (though it is is not specifically stated) the baby's neck would not have survives. But let's say that she did, she would not be a calm and happy baby. Not unless this is a fantasy or supernatural story. The other hard area to believe is that social work wouldn't have been involved even with a birth certificate. It isn't as simple as that. The mother's name is on a birth certificate and eventually authorities would come and question the situation. A smaller detail that could be fixed is that the ladies at the salon just happened to have a wicker basket. Now some of these details such as the basket could be resolved with more information. Perhaps one of the hair stylists just had a baby and she has had to bring her to work. But then I would tell the reader that. And show them there is a convenient reason for something that seems highly out of place.
Also, it may be your intention but the last paragraph makes your main character seem highly vindictive. (She had her chance?) without even knowing what the woman had gone through? The letter also said she would come back as soon as possible.
I could see her having mixed feelings and a desperation to hold on to a child she has bonded with, but not to get rid of all consideration of a natural mother all together.
Now this might be your intention, but if not, it does not put your character in a good light.
Comment Written 30-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2023
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Thank you for your review and suggestions.