Travesty of Justice
Viewing comments for Chapter 9 "Nothing Left to Loose"Two people accused of a crime they didn't commit.
6 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Good continuation of the story here. Tension is good and the playful nature between Larry and Julia comes across well.
Oh, you poor, poor thing. I think, wrapping my arms around him. - the 'I think' should be part of the first sentence here rather than the second.
childlike can be one word.
busy prescient towards my desk - precinct?
don't want a murderer, running around their neighborhood.- no need for the comma here.
Bill it might be a good idea to take the kids out of the city. - need closing speech marks here.
"Take me, please take me, I beg, pulling him - you need closing speech marks in here before I beg.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2017
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Hi there,
Good continuation of the story here. Tension is good and the playful nature between Larry and Julia comes across well.
Oh, you poor, poor thing. I think, wrapping my arms around him. - the 'I think' should be part of the first sentence here rather than the second.
childlike can be one word.
busy prescient towards my desk - precinct?
don't want a murderer, running around their neighborhood.- no need for the comma here.
Bill it might be a good idea to take the kids out of the city. - need closing speech marks here.
"Take me, please take me, I beg, pulling him - you need closing speech marks in here before I beg.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2017
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Thank you for your nice review and helpful suggestions. One day I''m going to impress you with an error-free chapter.
Thanks again, take care.
Comment from Thomas Bowling
This is a very good story. You use lots of dialog. I like this. The dialog flows evenly and sounds natural. One way to judge dialog is to read it out loud.
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2017
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This is a very good story. You use lots of dialog. I like this. The dialog flows evenly and sounds natural. One way to judge dialog is to read it out loud.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2017
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Thank you for your great review. I am so glad you like it. Some say I need less drama or split it up a little what do you think?
Thank you again for your wonderful review, take care.
Comment from Linda Hughes
I like this section of the whole, but I just wonder about it having a lot of dialogue doing all of the work, and not much prose to set it off. I'm curious because it came to an end, and I could have read on, but it doesn't have me hyped up to come back for more. The dialogue is good, but the story falls flat for me. Good work.
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2017
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I like this section of the whole, but I just wonder about it having a lot of dialogue doing all of the work, and not much prose to set it off. I'm curious because it came to an end, and I could have read on, but it doesn't have me hyped up to come back for more. The dialogue is good, but the story falls flat for me. Good work.
Comment Written 20-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2017
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Thank you for your wonderful review. I'm sorry that you feel this way, I'll see what I can do about adding more detail, and decreasing the dialogue.
Thank you again, take care.
Comment from Ric Myworld
You tell a mean story. Now, we just have to get you to slow down, take a deep breath, and slowly analyze every word, sentence, and paragraph. Polish, polish, polish, and then they will be special. Great job. :-)
(add)
>>Larry seems so helpless, child-like as he (lies) bawling in my arms.
>>Looking up from my computer, I see Jerry weaving his way across the busy prescient<,> towards my desk.
>>We really need a bigger space, I think, glancing at the slew of desks<,>strung haphazardly across the floor.
>>"I have for now, but I'm afraid they'll be back<,> as soon as everyone leaves."
>>"A bunch of people(are) protesting Julia's release, saying they don't want a murderer<,> running around their neighborhood.
>>I told Bill<,> it might be a good idea<,> to take the kids out of the city.
>>I then realize<,> my screaming must've gotten their attention.
>>The deafening noise resumes<,>within a matter of seconds.
>>"I've checked all the security footage around the square<,> and can't find Julia on any of the cameras," Kirk says.
>>I feel the passion in his kiss<,> as he thrusts inside of me.
>>They also have a surveillance tape from Stubbs Grocery<,> showing the two of them
leaving together, twenty minutes before the shooting occurred."
>>"According to this, the police didn't have a warrant<,> when they searched the house."
>>
"She is. Why don't we work on your case<,> while we're waiting for Vinnie?"
>>...going to argue<,> that gave you enough time to walk down the alley<,> and stab the victim."
>>"She has to, she just has to," Jumping off the worn sofa<, I start>(and) pacing the floor.
>> I still want to get the facts straight<,> in case the defense finds a loophole<,> I'm not aware of."
>>"The car was idling<,> when I left."
>>"Maybe (there was) a short in the wiring or something.
>> "I was able to retrieve a message he left<,> on Kimberly's phone<,> an hour before this occurred."
>>"I'll go make us some coffee<;>(,) because I have a feeling<,> it's going to be a very long night."
Keep up the good work!
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2017
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You tell a mean story. Now, we just have to get you to slow down, take a deep breath, and slowly analyze every word, sentence, and paragraph. Polish, polish, polish, and then they will be special. Great job. :-)
(add)
>>Larry seems so helpless, child-like as he
>>Looking up from my computer, I see Jerry weaving his way across the busy prescient<,> towards my desk.
>>We really need a bigger space, I think, glancing at the slew of desks<,>strung haphazardly across the floor.
>>"I have for now, but I'm afraid they'll be back<,> as soon as everyone leaves."
>>"A bunch of people
>>I told Bill<,> it might be a good idea<,> to take the kids out of the city.
>>I then realize<,> my screaming must've gotten their attention.
>>The deafening noise resumes<,>within a matter of seconds.
>>"I've checked all the security footage around the square<,> and can't find Julia on any of the cameras," Kirk says.
>>I feel the passion in his kiss<,> as he thrusts inside of me.
>>They also have a surveillance tape from Stubbs Grocery<,> showing the two of them
leaving together, twenty minutes before the shooting occurred."
>>"According to this, the police didn't have a warrant<,> when they searched the house."
>>
"She is. Why don't we work on your case<,> while we're waiting for Vinnie?"
>>...going to argue<,> that gave you enough time to walk down the alley<,> and stab the victim."
>>"She has to, she just has to," Jumping off the worn sofa<, I start>(and) pacing the floor.
>> I still want to get the facts straight<,> in case the defense finds a loophole<,> I'm not aware of."
>>"The car was idling<,> when I left."
>>"Maybe
>> "I was able to retrieve a message he left<,> on Kimberly's phone<,> an hour before this occurred."
>>"I'll go make us some coffee<;>(,) because I have a feeling<,> it's going to be a very long night."
Keep up the good work!
Comment Written 19-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2017
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Thank you for al of your reviews and your helpful suggestions. Looks like I need to review comma usage again. I do have one question you wrote>>"She has to, she just has to," Jumping off the worn sofa<, I start>(and) pacing the floor. Are you suggesting to take out the entire last half of that sentence? That's the only one I didn't understand.
Thak you again for all of your help, take care.
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No, just replacing "I start," with "and."
"She has to, she just has to," jumping off the worn sofa and pacing the floor."
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ok, thanks for clarifying that. I made the changes that I wrote yesterday about going to see Lilly and him being more of a horn dog with Julia. Had to change the warning on chapter 7 but that's alright it'll give the readers a little more sizzle. The way Larry's going, fifty shades of gray will have nothing on him, lol. Thanks again for all your help, take care.
Comment from Meia (MESAYERS)
ll go make us some coffee; because I have a feeling, it's going to be a very long night."
"You and me both," he says, playfully pinching my butt.
"Is that all you men think about?"
"Says the woman who seduced me just a few hours ago." He chuckles, walking towards the door.
"I didn't hear you complain."
"My only complaint is that we didn't go another round."
Laughing, I walk into the kitchen. I start to grab the coffee off the shelf when I hear Larry scream. .....
This is excellent writing, I really enjoyed it tastefully erotic and compulsive reading, very well done kindest regards Meia xx
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2017
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ll go make us some coffee; because I have a feeling, it's going to be a very long night."
"You and me both," he says, playfully pinching my butt.
"Is that all you men think about?"
"Says the woman who seduced me just a few hours ago." He chuckles, walking towards the door.
"I didn't hear you complain."
"My only complaint is that we didn't go another round."
Laughing, I walk into the kitchen. I start to grab the coffee off the shelf when I hear Larry scream. .....
This is excellent writing, I really enjoyed it tastefully erotic and compulsive reading, very well done kindest regards Meia xx
Comment Written 19-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2017
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Thank you for your wonderful review. The erotic part is an experiment, to see if I can pull it off. So I'm glad you liked the extra sizzle.
Thanks again, take care.
Comment from apky
I seem to have missed a chapter here so I need to go back and chek.
All the same the story is still rivetting and well written. No nits or spags.
Just a wee question below:
A bunch of people is protesting Julia's release, saying they don't want a murderer, running around their neighborhood. ~ just a question for me personally: does "protesting Julia's release" mean they're for or against the release?
Cheers,
Apky
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2017
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I seem to have missed a chapter here so I need to go back and chek.
All the same the story is still rivetting and well written. No nits or spags.
Just a wee question below:
A bunch of people is protesting Julia's release, saying they don't want a murderer, running around their neighborhood. ~ just a question for me personally: does "protesting Julia's release" mean they're for or against the release?
Cheers,
Apky
Comment Written 19-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2017
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Thank you for the sweet review. They are against it, they believe murders belong in jail. I guess I need to make that a little clearer in the chapter.
Thanks again for your great review, take care.