Dead Ever After
Title a novel by Charlaine Harris9 total reviews
Comment from AnnaLinda
Author,
I think you did a bang up job on your Creepy Flash entry.
A "cold hand" indeed. You wrapped it up very well in your
final stanza. I was wondering where this was going? You
kept your readers in suspense.
How many words is this? Just curious. I guess for writers
250 is not many. In the following line...I believe you are
missing a word:
"Like you, I am just looking out (?)a grave"
Best wishes and better stay out of graveyards if possible,
Linda
reply by the author on 24-May-2016
  |
Author,
I think you did a bang up job on your Creepy Flash entry.
A "cold hand" indeed. You wrapped it up very well in your
final stanza. I was wondering where this was going? You
kept your readers in suspense.
How many words is this? Just curious. I guess for writers
250 is not many. In the following line...I believe you are
missing a word:
"Like you, I am just looking out (?)a grave"
Best wishes and better stay out of graveyards if possible,
Linda
Comment Written 24-May-2016
reply by the author on 24-May-2016
-
Thank you so much for your kind and detailed review.
It was good of you to read and comment. The term ' i am just looking out' is quite common where I come from
i.e 'I'm looking out a new dress' so I didn't think too much about it when I wrote it down but I understand that it is a phrase used locally and may not sound grammatically correct.
I believe there are 242 words.
I counted them so many times my eyes were boggled !!!!
-
Oh...thanks...242. Sometimes I see the word count on the bottom when we write or edit. Did it give it to you...I know I've found myself counting in the past too.
-
Well it said approx 270 so I counted it over and over. All I can think of is it counts the title and the description too because there was definitely under 250 every time I counted : )
-
Interesting...are we OCD? or is it the site that does this to us?? lol
-
a bit of both probably : )
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
A beautiful flash story about a dead girl and a girl looking for her aunt's grave. I was confused the first time I read it but now I get it.
Good luck in the contest. :)
reply by the author on 22-May-2016
|
A beautiful flash story about a dead girl and a girl looking for her aunt's grave. I was confused the first time I read it but now I get it.
Good luck in the contest. :)
Comment Written 22-May-2016
reply by the author on 22-May-2016
-
Hi there,
I'm so sorry you didn't understand my little story.
The lady is trying to find a grave and she encounters a young girl who is also looking for a grave. They chat briefly and the younger girl introduces herself and suggests she buys flowers, in particular, sweet peas, to place on her dead aunts grave.
She goes to buy flowers and on her return the young girl has gone. A funeral cortege then passes her and in the back is the word CHERRY written in flowers alongside a posy of sweet peas. She then realises the girl she was talking to had died and was seeking her own grave.
I hope that explains it but I do think you should adjust the rating. I don't deserve an excellent rating if I haven't managed to convey the message to you.
I thank you for taking the time to read and I'm sorry it wasn't clear for you : )
-
Ah! Okay, I get it now. I went back and changed my review to this poem. Thank you for explain it.
-
Oh, sorry. I didn't see this before replying.
Thank you for your feedback and your comments. Very much appreciated : )
Comment from William Ross
very good, nice write that would be a bit more than creepy, nice job on the prompt think this should very well, good luck and have a great day
reply by the author on 21-May-2016
|
very good, nice write that would be a bit more than creepy, nice job on the prompt think this should very well, good luck and have a great day
Comment Written 21-May-2016
reply by the author on 21-May-2016
-
Thank you for your encouraging review and the rating. It is truly appreciated : )
Comment from LIJ Red
Opinions, opinions. You have every right to disregard them. I liked your flash fiction very much, but saw a number of changes I would make. So I edited your story. Every editing is only an opinion, remember. My list of qualifications is short. But, without pages of explanation, here are
my suggestions:
"You ok there?"
I looked up from scanning headstones. A young girl was smiling across several graves at me.
"I was looking for my aunt's grave," I answered.
"What name?" she asked.
"Agnes Merryweather," I replied, scanning the headstones.
"A fresh grave?"
I shuddered. I hated cemeteries. "Erm, yes. Last month."
"Aha, it's on the far left. Follow that wall over there," she said, pointing to a large cobbled wall running the length of the cemetery path.
"Thanks," I said and started to pass her.
"No flowers?" she asked.
"Er, no. We were not close. She left me something in her will," I sighed, "I felt I should pay my respects."
"You should get sweet peas. They're really pretty, she'd like them."
"Thanks for the idea." I said, "do you work here?"
"Like you, I am just looking for a grave. I'm Cherry. Cherry Smith." She held out her small, cool hand.
She was gone when I returned, fresh flowers in hand.
A burial cortege approached, and I moved to the grass verge and bowed my head respectfully, breathing the heady scent of the flowers.
The hearse passed by. My head felt light and my chest tightened. On the floral blanket of pretty sweet peas atop the coffin, in large red letters, I read:
CHERRY
reply by the author on 21-May-2016
|
Opinions, opinions. You have every right to disregard them. I liked your flash fiction very much, but saw a number of changes I would make. So I edited your story. Every editing is only an opinion, remember. My list of qualifications is short. But, without pages of explanation, here are
my suggestions:
"You ok there?"
I looked up from scanning headstones. A young girl was smiling across several graves at me.
"I was looking for my aunt's grave," I answered.
"What name?" she asked.
"Agnes Merryweather," I replied, scanning the headstones.
"A fresh grave?"
I shuddered. I hated cemeteries. "Erm, yes. Last month."
"Aha, it's on the far left. Follow that wall over there," she said, pointing to a large cobbled wall running the length of the cemetery path.
"Thanks," I said and started to pass her.
"No flowers?" she asked.
"Er, no. We were not close. She left me something in her will," I sighed, "I felt I should pay my respects."
"You should get sweet peas. They're really pretty, she'd like them."
"Thanks for the idea." I said, "do you work here?"
"Like you, I am just looking for a grave. I'm Cherry. Cherry Smith." She held out her small, cool hand.
She was gone when I returned, fresh flowers in hand.
A burial cortege approached, and I moved to the grass verge and bowed my head respectfully, breathing the heady scent of the flowers.
The hearse passed by. My head felt light and my chest tightened. On the floral blanket of pretty sweet peas atop the coffin, in large red letters, I read:
CHERRY
Comment Written 21-May-2016
reply by the author on 21-May-2016
-
Hi,
Thank you for your review and rating. The main issue I have is keeping in the word count so editing is tricky. I thank you for your suggestions. I don't feel the same when reading your edited version as I feel it's not my work. I do however always appreciate feedback and I will look at it again in depth when I have a moment.
-
Understood. My version is not your version. If you find any part you wish to use, go ahead. If not-well, I reviewed in good faith. Happy week end.
-
Of course. And I am extremely grateful for it. I have changed it slightly with thanks : )
-
Of course. And I am extremely grateful for it. I have changed it slightly with thanks : )
Comment from Domino 2
I'm no prose expert, but I think a couple of your speech tags could be more descriptive.
Rather than, 'I continued', 'I replied', 'I/she said', maybe add some action to add imagery/action and still make it clear who is speaking.
For example:
"Er, no. I didn't really know her." I replied, feeling guilty' -
"I shuffled uncomfortably and averted her glance, as couldn't hide my guilty feelings" - followed immediately by your dialogue.
Good atmosphere of the scene and a top spooky ending.
You have the gift of expression, so please don't be put off by my intended helpful and respectful comments.
Cheers, Ray.
reply by the author on 21-May-2016
|
I'm no prose expert, but I think a couple of your speech tags could be more descriptive.
Rather than, 'I continued', 'I replied', 'I/she said', maybe add some action to add imagery/action and still make it clear who is speaking.
For example:
"Er, no. I didn't really know her." I replied, feeling guilty' -
"I shuffled uncomfortably and averted her glance, as couldn't hide my guilty feelings" - followed immediately by your dialogue.
Good atmosphere of the scene and a top spooky ending.
You have the gift of expression, so please don't be put off by my intended helpful and respectful comments.
Cheers, Ray.
Comment Written 21-May-2016
reply by the author on 21-May-2016
-
Thank you Ray for such an encouraging review.
Please don't think I would ever be put off by suggestions. I'm no expert either and when something is pointed out to me I find it quite interesting and challenging to relook at what I have written. Sometimes there is a glaring error which I immediately change. Other times I play around with the words or phrasing and I may or may not alter the text. To me, it's free advice that I'm always grateful for.
I will certainly look at my entry again and thank you : )
Thanks for your kind, humble and gracious reply. It crossed with my editing my review to give a quick example, though it may not be a top one. ;-).
Good luck with your writing - you certainly have the right attitude. Ray.
-
Thank you for the example which I have to agree works well. I have changed a couple of words but can't do much more unless I make a complete change as I am right on the word count for the rules of the contest : )
Comment from Dawn Munro
OH! This is wonderful! I found it very moving, and certainly a little creepy, though I was kind of expecting something similar and it was as if her spirit was very kind. Not so frightening, more angelic. Fabulous writing! Best of luck in the contest!
reply by the author on 21-May-2016
|
OH! This is wonderful! I found it very moving, and certainly a little creepy, though I was kind of expecting something similar and it was as if her spirit was very kind. Not so frightening, more angelic. Fabulous writing! Best of luck in the contest!
Comment Written 20-May-2016
reply by the author on 21-May-2016
-
Thank you so much for your thoughtful review : )
Comment from damommy
You certainly achieved creepy. It gave me goosebumps.
Well written story that captured my attention from the first.
It flowed easily and was easy to read.
Delightful. 8-)
reply by the author on 20-May-2016
|
You certainly achieved creepy. It gave me goosebumps.
Well written story that captured my attention from the first.
It flowed easily and was easy to read.
Delightful. 8-)
Comment Written 20-May-2016
reply by the author on 20-May-2016
-
Thank you for a very positive review. It is truly appreciated : )
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
You did a good job with this prompt. You definitely made it both touching and a little chilling there at the end. Never speak to strangers in a graveyard then!
"What name?" She asked.- she asked.
"It was nice of her. - it (there are no full stops previously so this is a continuation, not a new sentence).
as the cort�¨ge approached - this needs a bit of editing.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 20-May-2016
|
Hi there,
You did a good job with this prompt. You definitely made it both touching and a little chilling there at the end. Never speak to strangers in a graveyard then!
"What name?" She asked.- she asked.
"It was nice of her. - it (there are no full stops previously so this is a continuation, not a new sentence).
as the cort�¨ge approached - this needs a bit of editing.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 20-May-2016
reply by the author on 20-May-2016
-
Thank you for your great review. I should have double checked 'cortége' as often this site throws out symbols. I have adjusted that and the other errors. Thank you so much for pointing them out : )
Comment from Kooky Clown
What a great read, well written, with a lovely twist in the tail at the end. The story was itself quite creepy as I don't think anyone likes visiting a cemetery and then to find out the person you are talking to has just arrived to be buried well enough said.
reply by the author on 20-May-2016
|
What a great read, well written, with a lovely twist in the tail at the end. The story was itself quite creepy as I don't think anyone likes visiting a cemetery and then to find out the person you are talking to has just arrived to be buried well enough said.
Comment Written 20-May-2016
reply by the author on 20-May-2016
-
Thank you for your great review. It is truly appreciated : )