Falling Off The Edge
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "Falling Off The Edge - Part Five"A true story
40 total reviews
Comment from alexisleech
You certainly know how to hook a reader! I can't wait to read on. I think I might have one chapter to catch up on, but I'll get there eventually. I can't believe the internet went off again early this afternoon, so I went outside with a step ladder and sweeping brush and gave the satellite dish a nudge. Now back on line, but for how long I'm not sure!
Soooo looking forward to chatting tomorrow,
Alexis xxx
heads in support (as they watched me)[watching] me with what I perceived to be
I ran down the steps and out onto the street[. I looked down the street], and to my relief a cab pulled up.
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2016
  |
You certainly know how to hook a reader! I can't wait to read on. I think I might have one chapter to catch up on, but I'll get there eventually. I can't believe the internet went off again early this afternoon, so I went outside with a step ladder and sweeping brush and gave the satellite dish a nudge. Now back on line, but for how long I'm not sure!
Soooo looking forward to chatting tomorrow,
Alexis xxx
heads in support (as they watched me)[watching] me with what I perceived to be
I ran down the steps and out onto the street[. I looked down the street], and to my relief a cab pulled up.
Comment Written 07-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2016
-
H Alexis, Thanks for this great review and the stars that means so much to me. I have corrected. You are right as usual. Can't wait to speak later today. Ulla xxx
Comment from Mrsjones14
Captivating writing. I am already enthralled by your story and want to hear more. You provide beautiful descriptions of people and places that set the scene perfectly.
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2016
 |
Captivating writing. I am already enthralled by your story and want to hear more. You provide beautiful descriptions of people and places that set the scene perfectly.
Comment Written 05-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2016
-
Thanks a lotfor this great review, Very much appreciated. All the best. Ulla
Comment from Sis Cat
Very descriptive biography that reads like a novel. It is descriptive in not only the details of people and places, but of your state of thought, your fear and apprehension over meeting Mrs. Faber. You end on a cliffhanger, making me want to read more.
My only minor suggestion is to not to use "threw . . . smile" twice in close proximity. Come up with different wording.
Thank you for sharing your story.
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2016
|
Very descriptive biography that reads like a novel. It is descriptive in not only the details of people and places, but of your state of thought, your fear and apprehension over meeting Mrs. Faber. You end on a cliffhanger, making me want to read more.
My only minor suggestion is to not to use "threw . . . smile" twice in close proximity. Come up with different wording.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Comment Written 05-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2016
-
Thanks a lot for the great review and I changed the sentence. Thanks for seeing that. All the best. Ella
Comment from seaglass
The time crunch you describe here helped me feel your anxiety of the real time. I did not do well in time crunches. So much in this event depended on the cooperation od others. Thankfully, that was positive and helpful.
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2016
|
The time crunch you describe here helped me feel your anxiety of the real time. I did not do well in time crunches. So much in this event depended on the cooperation od others. Thankfully, that was positive and helpful.
Comment Written 04-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2016
-
Thank you so much, seaglass, much appreciated. All the best. Ulla
Comment from chasennov
Running Against Time. Falling Off The Edge - Part Five.' This is another excellent chapter in your series, Ulla. I enjoy your work and follow whenever I am able. Very well done.
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2016
|
Running Against Time. Falling Off The Edge - Part Five.' This is another excellent chapter in your series, Ulla. I enjoy your work and follow whenever I am able. Very well done.
Comment Written 04-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2016
-
Thank you so much. I really appreciate your review and reading. All the best. Ulla
-
You are most welcome, Ulla.
Comment from c_lucas
This is the way when you are not familiar with the local rules and regulations. There is always a local bureaucrat trying to make things difficult for you. Your post is well written.
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2016
|
This is the way when you are not familiar with the local rules and regulations. There is always a local bureaucrat trying to make things difficult for you. Your post is well written.
Comment Written 04-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2016
-
Thank you so much. Very appreciated. All the best. Ulla
Comment from Word Junkie
Hi Ulla,
The action in your prose is easy to follow, and your plot line invites the reader to care about and root for your protagonist. I'm going to give you an honest review here, so please bear in mind that this is one reader's opinion. Take or shake.
Cleaning up your prose would make your story move at a better pace. It would be more engaging for the reader. At points I feel like I'm reading an A - B - C narrative.
A - She ran out of the building to look for the cab
B - She didn't see the cab right away
C - The cab arrived to save the day
Now, this is a bit tiresome for the avid reader, who knows all about calling cabs. It serves to slow the narrative. Much of this pedantic detail could and should be omitted so the story moves at a better pace.
Let's look at the beginning of this chapter. You start with "the," which is acceptable but rare. Most writers avoid this. You use the overused phrase, "fluttering of my heart." Is there a more original way to say this?
****************
A deep intake of breath did nothing to slow the rat-a-tat-tat of my heart. It felt like a jackhammer had been set loose in my chest. If I were to succeed in getting an appointment at such short notice, I'd have to play this right.
"May I speak to Mrs. Faber?" Before the receptionist had a chance to utter a word I forged ahead. "I don't have an appointment. But I'm only in the country for a few more hours. This is urgent--if not an outright emergency."
Phew! Would she swallow this half-truth? I had no time to linger so I hurriedly added, "Mrs. Faber knows me well." At least that was the truth. "She'll also know she was recommended to me by High Court Judge Otto Dreg."
I paused for breath. To my delight the gentle voice of the receptionist said, "Hold on, I'll see what I can do."
Then the line went dead.
***********************
"My stomach made some unwelcome somersaults."
This is a passive sentence.
'My stomach convulsed."
This is an active sentence.
In your author bio you say you would like to write at least one book in your lifetime. Anyone can write a book, Ulla, but few books are published, and very few books make a profit. If you dream of being a successful author, you'll need to make your prose sharper. Clean up the detritus. Avoid overused, trite phrases.
Your characters are real. You do an excellent job of drawing the reader into your scenes. You can succeed. You can make your dream a reality.
I wish you much success,
Lana
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2016
 |
Hi Ulla,
The action in your prose is easy to follow, and your plot line invites the reader to care about and root for your protagonist. I'm going to give you an honest review here, so please bear in mind that this is one reader's opinion. Take or shake.
Cleaning up your prose would make your story move at a better pace. It would be more engaging for the reader. At points I feel like I'm reading an A - B - C narrative.
A - She ran out of the building to look for the cab
B - She didn't see the cab right away
C - The cab arrived to save the day
Now, this is a bit tiresome for the avid reader, who knows all about calling cabs. It serves to slow the narrative. Much of this pedantic detail could and should be omitted so the story moves at a better pace.
Let's look at the beginning of this chapter. You start with "the," which is acceptable but rare. Most writers avoid this. You use the overused phrase, "fluttering of my heart." Is there a more original way to say this?
****************
A deep intake of breath did nothing to slow the rat-a-tat-tat of my heart. It felt like a jackhammer had been set loose in my chest. If I were to succeed in getting an appointment at such short notice, I'd have to play this right.
"May I speak to Mrs. Faber?" Before the receptionist had a chance to utter a word I forged ahead. "I don't have an appointment. But I'm only in the country for a few more hours. This is urgent--if not an outright emergency."
Phew! Would she swallow this half-truth? I had no time to linger so I hurriedly added, "Mrs. Faber knows me well." At least that was the truth. "She'll also know she was recommended to me by High Court Judge Otto Dreg."
I paused for breath. To my delight the gentle voice of the receptionist said, "Hold on, I'll see what I can do."
Then the line went dead.
***********************
"My stomach made some unwelcome somersaults."
This is a passive sentence.
'My stomach convulsed."
This is an active sentence.
In your author bio you say you would like to write at least one book in your lifetime. Anyone can write a book, Ulla, but few books are published, and very few books make a profit. If you dream of being a successful author, you'll need to make your prose sharper. Clean up the detritus. Avoid overused, trite phrases.
Your characters are real. You do an excellent job of drawing the reader into your scenes. You can succeed. You can make your dream a reality.
I wish you much success,
Lana
Comment Written 04-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2016
-
Thanks Lana. I don't know whether you realise that this is biography. The protagonist is me. I have tried to make it as lively as I can without lying downright. That it is trite and reads like an alphabeth is of course all due to my lack of writing abilities. Sorry about that. Shouldn't really publish on FS as I do this for me and my family. Sorry to have wasted your time. I know I'm negative but this is not my first language , and maybe I should just call it a day. I know you mean well, but I'll have to rethink it all. All best. Ulla
Comment from Curly Girly
It seems as if the story is progressing.
The blond, manicured receptionist
The blondE, manicured receptionist
blond = men
blonde = women
The word is originally French where they use a feminised versions of adjectives for women.
Nicole
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2016
|
It seems as if the story is progressing.
The blond, manicured receptionist
The blondE, manicured receptionist
blond = men
blonde = women
The word is originally French where they use a feminised versions of adjectives for women.
Nicole
Comment Written 03-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2016
-
Hi Nicole, thanks a lot for this great review. I know it so very well about the blond/blond thing and always get it wrong. Thanks fo reminding me again. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment from Drew Delaney
This is really good writing, Ulla. I think there are two things you might watch out for though. I like all the commas personally, however too many would be frowned upon by a publisher I've been warned. The other thing is that sometimes you write more words than necessary. They say to cut unnecessary words. I'm the last one to preach about these things because I have the same problems.
Just thought I would mention that. You have an amazing story to tell and you are doing a great job, so keep up the good work.
Drew xx
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2016
|
This is really good writing, Ulla. I think there are two things you might watch out for though. I like all the commas personally, however too many would be frowned upon by a publisher I've been warned. The other thing is that sometimes you write more words than necessary. They say to cut unnecessary words. I'm the last one to preach about these things because I have the same problems.
Just thought I would mention that. You have an amazing story to tell and you are doing a great job, so keep up the good work.
Drew xx
Comment Written 03-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2016
-
Hi Drew, thanks a lot for this great review. I've made major edit to the write since your review, and hope it reads much better now. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment from Sherylsart
Sigh of relief. Being greeted by name is a good start. You are definitely keeping the suspense going, with both the action and the time pressure. And, of course, your cliffhangers. No issues I see here.
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2016
|
Sigh of relief. Being greeted by name is a good start. You are definitely keeping the suspense going, with both the action and the time pressure. And, of course, your cliffhangers. No issues I see here.
Comment Written 03-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2016
-
Thanks a lot, Sheryl, for this great review. Much appreciated. All the best. Ulla:)))