A Serpent Watching-Part Two
Short Story15 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Mikey,
Another good chapter. Best to keep it 'under the veil' as you say to avoid confusion / abject terror from the masses!
This is not my usual fare for reading but there is a very appealing tone to this.
the privilege of tutelage only the upper crust receives. They think only of the crust forming on their soiled undergarments.
- very good continuation of thought here, and funny.
The paragraph beginning 'Visitors were met with a coppery scent awash with lilac...' is very well written and poses questions met with speculation to stoke the imagination!
Ah, Miss Hannah, the classically upright, repressed madam.
light constantly shinning beneath it - shining.
She's wearing her spectacles on - you could delete 'on' here.
Sin shall be punished, thus forgiven and remembered no more - the justification of the pious.
Good stuff
On to the next
G
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2016
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Hi Mikey,
Another good chapter. Best to keep it 'under the veil' as you say to avoid confusion / abject terror from the masses!
This is not my usual fare for reading but there is a very appealing tone to this.
the privilege of tutelage only the upper crust receives. They think only of the crust forming on their soiled undergarments.
- very good continuation of thought here, and funny.
The paragraph beginning 'Visitors were met with a coppery scent awash with lilac...' is very well written and poses questions met with speculation to stoke the imagination!
Ah, Miss Hannah, the classically upright, repressed madam.
light constantly shinning beneath it - shining.
She's wearing her spectacles on - you could delete 'on' here.
Sin shall be punished, thus forgiven and remembered no more - the justification of the pious.
Good stuff
On to the next
G
Comment Written 19-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2016
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Not my usual fare at all. I'm a little shocked at their behavior. HA! It took this direction and I'm still trying to write it properly and not sink down into some abyss with it. Glad I'm doing okay so far. Thanks, mikey
Comment from barkingdog
Fantasy's abound for the caretaker and the head mistress. Too bad they can't follow through. I thought you wrote that scene so well. Clear, very visual and took us into the heads of the characters.
I had no problem with the POV.
The mystery is building with the introduction of the characters. When the crime happens, we should be prepared to guess at the perpetrator's identity ... but, of course, would not be right. haha
Now on to the next part.
:) e
Oh, an ellipsis has only three dots. I think you typed four.
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2016
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Fantasy's abound for the caretaker and the head mistress. Too bad they can't follow through. I thought you wrote that scene so well. Clear, very visual and took us into the heads of the characters.
I had no problem with the POV.
The mystery is building with the introduction of the characters. When the crime happens, we should be prepared to guess at the perpetrator's identity ... but, of course, would not be right. haha
Now on to the next part.
:) e
Oh, an ellipsis has only three dots. I think you typed four.
Comment Written 16-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2016
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Jay told me to use four when speech is interrupted. It's cool to be worried about that though. I remember when poor Reaching for the Stars (Selina) used to give me two pages of SPAG before giving up. Jeesh. Some real patience here, yes?
I'm delighted you liked that scene and the POV. I received some good POV input. Cool, still writing. mikey
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Jay's probably right. I forgot it was interrupted speech.
Someone once told me to use an em dash for interrupted speech. I think I'll look into that.
Maybe both are right. (Not to confuse you even more. lol)
Comment from Pantygynt
If you have not already done so you should immediately look at Under Milk Wood by Dylan Thomas. Google that and you can get the script and watch the video. The description of the headmistress is so similar in style to many of the characers in that.
The central character in what was originally a "play for voices" on radio is the narrator so in one sense there is a single POV running through the whole but as each character ia a.described and b. given their own lines we see the town of Llareggub (bugger all backwards) through their POV.
In my opinion prose fanstorians are as hung up on POV as poetry fanstorians are on meter. Both can be changed mid stream but only by design and never used as an excuse for not understanding them.
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
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If you have not already done so you should immediately look at Under Milk Wood by Dylan Thomas. Google that and you can get the script and watch the video. The description of the headmistress is so similar in style to many of the characers in that.
The central character in what was originally a "play for voices" on radio is the narrator so in one sense there is a single POV running through the whole but as each character ia a.described and b. given their own lines we see the town of Llareggub (bugger all backwards) through their POV.
In my opinion prose fanstorians are as hung up on POV as poetry fanstorians are on meter. Both can be changed mid stream but only by design and never used as an excuse for not understanding them.
Comment Written 14-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
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I so agree. To me if it makes sense and one can follow it, it must be correct. I did get a couple great tips though that explained it in English. Wow, any conversation that mentions Dylan Thomas gets my attention. I'll check that out. YES! Your description of the radio program is how I'm seeing it. Exactly. Thanks, mikey
Comment from krprice
Darby begins. . .She's wearing. . .delete on.
Excellent post. This story is certainly for adults with so much concentration on sex. Considering there are teenaged boys, that should be unusual since all the think of is laying a girl.
Karlene
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
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Darby begins. . .She's wearing. . .delete on.
Excellent post. This story is certainly for adults with so much concentration on sex. Considering there are teenaged boys, that should be unusual since all the think of is laying a girl.
Karlene
Comment Written 14-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
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Hi, Karlene
Oh, I knew that was there and couldn't find it again. Thanks.
Great observation, how very true as I recall in my distant past. :)) mikey
Comment from William Ross
The writing is good as is the story so far, I have a feeling what is ever to happen will involve the night watchman. I have no suggestions yet, I'm still interested in seeing this out.
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
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The writing is good as is the story so far, I have a feeling what is ever to happen will involve the night watchman. I have no suggestions yet, I'm still interested in seeing this out.
Comment Written 14-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
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You just may be right. (Well,okay, you are.) HA! Thanks a million. mikey
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Hello, Mike :)
I went to Catholic School and I met a few Hannah Emmericks. I hate people like her. I don't mind religion too much, it is the parishioners that I can't stand.
This is an interesting story about sin and pleasure. You are developing the characters well and the plot is intriguing.
It's not a comedy per sey but it has some funny parts. Like the dream scene with Darby and Hannah.
Good job sweetie pie, I don't see a need for corrections.
*gypsy hugs*
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
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Hello, Mike :)
I went to Catholic School and I met a few Hannah Emmericks. I hate people like her. I don't mind religion too much, it is the parishioners that I can't stand.
This is an interesting story about sin and pleasure. You are developing the characters well and the plot is intriguing.
It's not a comedy per sey but it has some funny parts. Like the dream scene with Darby and Hannah.
Good job sweetie pie, I don't see a need for corrections.
*gypsy hugs*
Comment Written 14-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
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I always try and add a little humour 'cause life is like that or it better be if one wants to get through it. The dream scene 'taint no dream. Those two was for real. :)) hugs, mikey
Comment from Dawn Munro
Yech! Not exactly my cup of tea as it becomes more perverse, so you'll forgive me if I decide not to read more of it (we'll see), but man oh MAN it is well done!!! A powerhouse!
Two things to note - as in the first part -comma use between adjectives.
Next - she's wearing her spectacles - "on" is redundant/grammatically incorrect after you've said that
Best-seller material, IMHO, Mike - just getting a bit too gross for my personal taste.
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
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Yech! Not exactly my cup of tea as it becomes more perverse, so you'll forgive me if I decide not to read more of it (we'll see), but man oh MAN it is well done!!! A powerhouse!
Two things to note - as in the first part -comma use between adjectives.
Next - she's wearing her spectacles - "on" is redundant/grammatically incorrect after you've said that
Best-seller material, IMHO, Mike - just getting a bit too gross for my personal taste.
Comment Written 14-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
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Hi, Dawn. It's a bit front loaded with this stuff and I can't wait to get by it or maybe just kill a lot of it. The two rather creepy characters are introduced first. The rest of the characters are high school kids and it's a murder mystery. I'm just trying to write something different. I didn't expect it to come out like this really. HAHAHA. Perverts. :)) I'm open to suggestions. I'm not married to this, yet. mikey
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Oh, but it' really, really well done! Propose!!! Give it a two-carat diamond for heaven's sake! Just because it's not MY taste, doesn't mean a thing. And I DO love murder mysteries and thrillers, it's jut the pervs I am sickened by, but hey - they go hand in hand - sick minds and all. Seriously, write it as it comes. I'll go o far as to say as much as it will make me squirm, I will read it if NOT reading it will make you hesitate. Hell, I might have anyway - it's THAT GOOD.
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P.S. - Front-loaded is outstanding, btw. If a book hasn't caught me about two pages in it's adios.
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Okay. :))
It's hopefully going to turn into a murder mystery after these folks get done with their little trysts. Ha! One of these times I'm actually going to sit down and plan something out. But, not this time I guess. Thanks so much. mikey
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You're very welcome. :)
Comment from Ric Myworld
Welcome to what may soon be referred to as the Briarwood cum festival. More slipping and sliding than a Woodstock mud bath. Thanks for another fine chapter. :-)
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
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Welcome to what may soon be referred to as the Briarwood cum festival. More slipping and sliding than a Woodstock mud bath. Thanks for another fine chapter. :-)
Comment Written 13-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
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Yep, it's starting to get fun, yes? Darby is a charmer and Hannah was bound to have something worthwhile up her skirt, they all do! mikey
Comment from DonandVicki
A veritable moving erotic feast Mike. I have no suggestions for improving your work as it certainly got and kept my attention. I always enjoy reading your writing.
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
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A veritable moving erotic feast Mike. I have no suggestions for improving your work as it certainly got and kept my attention. I always enjoy reading your writing.
Comment Written 13-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
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Cool, part three is already up. mikey
Comment from Gloria ....
Mikey I would classify this story or at least this chapter as erotica and would suggest putting it behind the veil. For your own safety of course. LOL.
As far as your POV goes it seems to me you will be looking at limited omniscient that basically means that while you have a God-like perspective of the story, you limit yourself to being in one character's head at a time. Darby seems to be the logical choice. It allows you to switch characters as many times as necessary, even within a scene.
Think about true omniscient POV as having a camera panning throughout the room at a party scene, dipping into anyone's head and perhaps more than one person at a time, by taking on the collective group perspective. Then you can think about limited omniscient more like passing a camera around the room with each person filming their own POV of the story in present tense although past tense is likely better. Then just get a firm grip on that perspective and it will clear up all the fuzzy edges.
Also pay attention to showing more than telling.
Couple of nits:
who was none to (too) happy about the school recently becomming (becoming) co-ed.
We must keep the light constantly shinning (shining) beneath it."
she has (had) carefully sprayed before his entry.
take his throbbing cock in her mouth, and relive (relieve) him of its contents.
"Your (you're) kind and generous, ma'am.
It's God ferring (fearing) people like ourselves
I think your story has great potential but a few structural decisions need to be made before you proceed.
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2016
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Mikey I would classify this story or at least this chapter as erotica and would suggest putting it behind the veil. For your own safety of course. LOL.
As far as your POV goes it seems to me you will be looking at limited omniscient that basically means that while you have a God-like perspective of the story, you limit yourself to being in one character's head at a time. Darby seems to be the logical choice. It allows you to switch characters as many times as necessary, even within a scene.
Think about true omniscient POV as having a camera panning throughout the room at a party scene, dipping into anyone's head and perhaps more than one person at a time, by taking on the collective group perspective. Then you can think about limited omniscient more like passing a camera around the room with each person filming their own POV of the story in present tense although past tense is likely better. Then just get a firm grip on that perspective and it will clear up all the fuzzy edges.
Also pay attention to showing more than telling.
Couple of nits:
who was none to (too) happy about the school recently becomming (becoming) co-ed.
We must keep the light constantly shinning (shining) beneath it."
she has (had) carefully sprayed before his entry.
take his throbbing cock in her mouth, and relive (relieve) him of its contents.
"Your (you're) kind and generous, ma'am.
It's God ferring (fearing) people like ourselves
I think your story has great potential but a few structural decisions need to be made before you proceed.
Comment Written 13-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2016
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This is exactly what I was hoping for. I realize this isn't ready to post by a long shot, but I found myself without the knowledge to do anything with it. So, use this place as intended, yes. I do understand your description of POV and that is what I needed to understand completely to focus. The rest of it is easily solved when I fix that.
Jax also was helpful, so more than I could hope for unless RD wants to punctuate it for me. :))
It's not erotica, though maybe it's starting out leaning that way a bit. Perhaps I shouldn't introduce the two characters in the beginning. Maybe I'll save Hannah for a little later.
It's interesting, I've already edited some of the nits you pointed out. I wonder if when you receive a notice that it remains that version and edits after that aren't reflected, it seems so. "Ferring" is a word I've known from somewhere for years, but I can't seem to find anywhere but in my mind. So ...
Okay, nothing seems to stop me blathering. Thanks a million. I couldn't ask for more. mikey
