A Book of Love
Viewing comments for Chapter 34 "Naked and Unafraid"Assorted poems of love
20 total reviews
Comment from petalangela
I note the author has a a seal of recognition . That is good because poetry such as this must be recognised as a delight to read.
Pure hear stopping love excludes from the words beautifully penned
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2015
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I note the author has a a seal of recognition . That is good because poetry such as this must be recognised as a delight to read.
Pure hear stopping love excludes from the words beautifully penned
Comment Written 13-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2015
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Thanks Pet. I miss you a great deal.
Missy
Comment from pbroussard209
Very seductive poem, I love that it painted both and emotional and visual picture. You can feel the empowerment, and surety of the woman. She is not afraid, and is ready to take the next step.
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2015
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Very seductive poem, I love that it painted both and emotional and visual picture. You can feel the empowerment, and surety of the woman. She is not afraid, and is ready to take the next step.
Comment Written 13-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2015
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Thanks P, for the great review. I am glad you saw and felt the emotions of the poem :).
Always,
Missy
Comment from Walu Feral
G'day Missy. Crikey! Do they make a pill to slow an old blokes heart down yet? LOL. That is a great little sexy piece and a really good contest entry as well my friend. Good luck in it and cheers, Fez
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2015
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G'day Missy. Crikey! Do they make a pill to slow an old blokes heart down yet? LOL. That is a great little sexy piece and a really good contest entry as well my friend. Good luck in it and cheers, Fez
Comment Written 13-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2015
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Thanks sugga!!! I am happy that you went on a "walkabout" over to my page and left this lovely review :)
Always,
Missy
Comment from mfowler
You are the romantic, Missy.
This is a sensual piece with more than enough to get the hormones jumpy. Suspect the title does it for some of us more deprived gents.
I like your wording; it's gentle unfolding of the narrative until the key moment. There are some lovely elements of phrasing which I'll highlight:
I stand before you naked.
My inner voice silent.
I slip in beside you,
now our music...our dance of love begins
I read a few reviews to see if anyone has helped you and I saw Ray's comments. He's right, yet punctuation is very much a matter of choice with this sort of things. As I know you're interested in progression I will lay out the poem in a way I think would enhance key aspects. I recognise that you might not agree and since it's free verse, that's the poet's prerogative.
I stand before you naked
my inner voice silent
my heart beating out of my chest
(Lose the commas and full stops at the end of the line. In free verse, it's common to use line breaks as the period or breath. Of course, if you stick with end line punctuation, you have to be consistent throughout. If you go back and read just that stanza, you will see that the second and third line are discreetly attached to the opening line as if flowing as a whole sentence. This makes the stanza flow easily for the reader, hence not impeding appreciation of the idea or sentiment it contains.)
Though naked, I'm unafraid
Went over all the possible outcomes
Left them all at the side of the bed
(Here, in contrast to stanza 1, each line is a completely different thought so I would capitalise. Many poets don't. They have no capitals at the start at all. Matter of taste.)
Desire for your touch, your kiss
pushed me here to take this step
(This stanza already feels good)
You hold the sheet open
I glimpse your body
My knees grow weak (Suggest capitalising 'My' as this is a new action.)
I slip in beside you
Now our music...our dance of love begins
The poem stands well on its own. You just need to consider how you want each line read and how they fit together in each verse.
Well done, Missy. Breaking out into new forms will build your repertoire and give you options for different situations and themes. Don't be fooled by free verse. It is difficult to write well. I keep trying but have my work critiqued pretty strongly every time I step out there.
Hope this has helped. I was always going to get to it.
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2015
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You are the romantic, Missy.
This is a sensual piece with more than enough to get the hormones jumpy. Suspect the title does it for some of us more deprived gents.
I like your wording; it's gentle unfolding of the narrative until the key moment. There are some lovely elements of phrasing which I'll highlight:
I stand before you naked.
My inner voice silent.
I slip in beside you,
now our music...our dance of love begins
I read a few reviews to see if anyone has helped you and I saw Ray's comments. He's right, yet punctuation is very much a matter of choice with this sort of things. As I know you're interested in progression I will lay out the poem in a way I think would enhance key aspects. I recognise that you might not agree and since it's free verse, that's the poet's prerogative.
I stand before you naked
my inner voice silent
my heart beating out of my chest
(Lose the commas and full stops at the end of the line. In free verse, it's common to use line breaks as the period or breath. Of course, if you stick with end line punctuation, you have to be consistent throughout. If you go back and read just that stanza, you will see that the second and third line are discreetly attached to the opening line as if flowing as a whole sentence. This makes the stanza flow easily for the reader, hence not impeding appreciation of the idea or sentiment it contains.)
Though naked, I'm unafraid
Went over all the possible outcomes
Left them all at the side of the bed
(Here, in contrast to stanza 1, each line is a completely different thought so I would capitalise. Many poets don't. They have no capitals at the start at all. Matter of taste.)
Desire for your touch, your kiss
pushed me here to take this step
(This stanza already feels good)
You hold the sheet open
I glimpse your body
My knees grow weak (Suggest capitalising 'My' as this is a new action.)
I slip in beside you
Now our music...our dance of love begins
The poem stands well on its own. You just need to consider how you want each line read and how they fit together in each verse.
Well done, Missy. Breaking out into new forms will build your repertoire and give you options for different situations and themes. Don't be fooled by free verse. It is difficult to write well. I keep trying but have my work critiqued pretty strongly every time I step out there.
Hope this has helped. I was always going to get to it.
Comment Written 12-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2015
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To begin with, I had each line Capital with no punctuation. Then after the review, I changed. As this is an entry into a site contest where the all-knowing judges will decide, I want a minimum of reasons to disqualify me... So, the question is to punctuate or not to punctuate...lol ...grrrr.
Thank you, Teach. I will think on this and make changes ...prolly back to what I started with.
Missy
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I see your point.
Maybe just consider those points when you write free verse again. There's no easy way to get better. It's about deciding who to listen to and what you agree with. I learn something new every time I post.
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Big hug
Comment from EricBrady
Beautiful piece. Passionate and sensual desires with no inhibitions seen through your beating chest. Nervousness has been replaced with yearning flesh waiting to be touched. A yearning for this first dance that can be felt deep within. Very well written.
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2015
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Beautiful piece. Passionate and sensual desires with no inhibitions seen through your beating chest. Nervousness has been replaced with yearning flesh waiting to be touched. A yearning for this first dance that can be felt deep within. Very well written.
Comment Written 12-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2015
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Thank you ever so much for this lovely in-depth review of my work, Eric.
Always,
Missy
Comment from Ulla
Oh this is lovely Missy, Not being afraid of making love to the one you love. I enjoy this poem which is well written and I wish you good luck in the contest. All the best, Ulla
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2015
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Oh this is lovely Missy, Not being afraid of making love to the one you love. I enjoy this poem which is well written and I wish you good luck in the contest. All the best, Ulla
Comment Written 12-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2015
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Thank you Ulla. I am glad you enjoyed this piece. My first attempt at Free Verse, and I'm off in the deep end of the committee pool... Lol. Luck is what I'll be needing lol.
Always,
Missy
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Naked and Unafraid
by justafan
~This poem is about not being afraid to stand naked and vulnerable. Making love is a beautiful thing. Well done!
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2015
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Naked and Unafraid
by justafan
~This poem is about not being afraid to stand naked and vulnerable. Making love is a beautiful thing. Well done!
Comment Written 12-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2015
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Thanks hon for the affirmation that I'm doing well here :)
Missy
Comment from Dorothy Farrell
Hi Justafan - A rather tender love poem, not really offensive at all. The line 'My knees get weak' perhaps replacing 'grow' instead of 'get' - 'My knees grow weak' - just a thought. A sweet poem and a nice read. Good luck in the contest. Warm regards Dorothy x
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2015
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Hi Justafan - A rather tender love poem, not really offensive at all. The line 'My knees get weak' perhaps replacing 'grow' instead of 'get' - 'My knees grow weak' - just a thought. A sweet poem and a nice read. Good luck in the contest. Warm regards Dorothy x
Comment Written 12-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2015
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Thank you, Dorothy, I will go with that. I want to present the best. This is my first attempt at "free verse". Your review has helped me tweak this to contest standards :)
Always,
Missy
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Made the suggested change :)
Comment from Domino 2
Very sensual and romantic without being at all smutty.
I prefer free verse (and any other poetry where the sentence hasn't ended) not to have the 1st word in each line capitalized (except for 'I', of course), as I feel this hinders the flow - but that's just my opinion.
Nice one.
Best wishes, Ray
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2015
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Very sensual and romantic without being at all smutty.
I prefer free verse (and any other poetry where the sentence hasn't ended) not to have the 1st word in each line capitalized (except for 'I', of course), as I feel this hinders the flow - but that's just my opinion.
Nice one.
Best wishes, Ray
Comment Written 12-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2015
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Ray, I will go and look at implementing your suggestion. This is honestly my first free verse poem. I want it to be of high quality, your wonderful review will help me achieve that. Thank you.
Always,
Missy
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I used your suggestion about the capitalization.
Missy
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I'm very flattered, Missy, and after checking it out, I do think it presents better.
Cheers, Ray xx
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It is I ...who is humbled by your detailed review of my work, Ray :)
Missy xx
Comment from meggie13
Well written poem with an excellent picture to send your message. Very sensual with good imagery . In love, nothing is held back , she gives her all which is what love is about . Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2015
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Well written poem with an excellent picture to send your message. Very sensual with good imagery . In love, nothing is held back , she gives her all which is what love is about . Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 11-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2015
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Thanks, Mom, your opinion matters greatly to me.:)
Always,
Missy
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Thank you ,Dear. I liked you selection of words. Very lady like. Always , Mom
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Thank you ,Dear. I liked you selection of words. Very lady like. Always , Mom