haiku (plump clouds undress, sink)
haiku on fog4 total reviews
Comment from Sis Cat
This is a quite nice haiku I enjoyed. The "clouds undress" image paired with "quench virgin arbor's thirst" equates fog with sex. This poem is quite elegant.
The division of the first line by a needed comma slows down my read because I have to pay attention or the haiku would not make sense. If you can condense "sink to quench virgin arbor's thirst" into one grammatically, seven syllable line, it would enhance the flow.
Thank you for sharing. I wish you success in the contest.
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2015
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This is a quite nice haiku I enjoyed. The "clouds undress" image paired with "quench virgin arbor's thirst" equates fog with sex. This poem is quite elegant.
The division of the first line by a needed comma slows down my read because I have to pay attention or the haiku would not make sense. If you can condense "sink to quench virgin arbor's thirst" into one grammatically, seven syllable line, it would enhance the flow.
Thank you for sharing. I wish you success in the contest.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2015
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Oh good comment! I like it! Thank you so much. Truly.
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Your haiku has the right amount of syllables, reflects a distilled experience, has a kigo, it has two juxtaposed ideas and it is descriptive. Excellent job!
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2015
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Your haiku has the right amount of syllables, reflects a distilled experience, has a kigo, it has two juxtaposed ideas and it is descriptive. Excellent job!
Comment Written 27-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2015
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Thank you! I love to see a person who knows the craft. You're an expert no doubt. I'd love to follow you. Please remind after the contest?
Comment from Amy Greta
AMAZING! I love the thought of clouds undressing and sinking into the virgin arbor. You made nature seem so alive and sensual! The whole haiku flows from the removing of "clothes" to under the "quilt". This is an excellent entry for the mist / fog / haze contest, as you have a season, nature, and personification, and most importantly, you make the reader feel. Good luck!
~Amy
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2015
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AMAZING! I love the thought of clouds undressing and sinking into the virgin arbor. You made nature seem so alive and sensual! The whole haiku flows from the removing of "clothes" to under the "quilt". This is an excellent entry for the mist / fog / haze contest, as you have a season, nature, and personification, and most importantly, you make the reader feel. Good luck!
~Amy
Comment Written 26-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2015
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What a Great review Amy! It's rare to find true reviewers here. We always search. I'd love to follow each other after the contest!
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Yes, I'd love to follow you; you can "undress" from your anonymity after the contest:)
~Amy
Comment from Mark Schardine
The combination of picture and poem works very well. One reads and can easily visualize the descending curtain of page that envelopes the forest.
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2015
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The combination of picture and poem works very well. One reads and can easily visualize the descending curtain of page that envelopes the forest.
Comment Written 26-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2015
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Thank you Mark!