Jack and Jill Went Up the Hill
100 Word Story18 total reviews
Comment from Jeff Watkins
Mike, in 100 words you write a complete, complex, psycho/social story. The first sentence captures the reader's attention--the tip of spear that reveals the nature of the spear. Based on this story, your status as recognized writer is deserved. Unfortunately, six stars are not available. Jeff
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Mike, in 100 words you write a complete, complex, psycho/social story. The first sentence captures the reader's attention--the tip of spear that reveals the nature of the spear. Based on this story, your status as recognized writer is deserved. Unfortunately, six stars are not available. Jeff
Comment Written 26-Feb-2022
Comment from justafan
I peeked :) Wanted to run back down that hill. I am literally a virgin in this "writing" thang but, It met and exceeded the criteria for this prompt...Excellent :)
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I peeked :) Wanted to run back down that hill. I am literally a virgin in this "writing" thang but, It met and exceeded the criteria for this prompt...Excellent :)
Comment Written 06-Apr-2015
Comment from Dashjianta
A good twist on the Jack and Jill story, all told through dialogue (external and internal) which keeps things neat. You convey Jack's anxiety well through the his broken, panicky thoughts, and his growing paranoia as he convinces himself Jill knows. I also like how you cut off just before the presumed attack and the start of the original rhyme.
Unfortunately I did pick up on a few nits, and in story this short there were enough to pull me out of it.
Suggestions:
"No reason,(.) It's like she's still here...."
--or small 'I' on 'it' if you want it as a single sentence.
It's a setup-she knows, she knows!
--It should be an em-dash (--) rather than a hyphen after setup.
We'll (Well), we all used to come here
--Or is she repeating herself? In which case, ellipses may work better than a comma here.
It's creepy(,) with her being murdered.
--How does anyone know she was murdered if no one's found the body? Surely he's just given himself away? (unless there was a bloody crime scene--sorry just answering myself. Going to leave the question in the review just in case.)
Nothing really. It just feels restless?
--Should 'It just feels restless?' be a question? It seems odd, given she can feel the spirit, and he can't.
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2015
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A good twist on the Jack and Jill story, all told through dialogue (external and internal) which keeps things neat. You convey Jack's anxiety well through the his broken, panicky thoughts, and his growing paranoia as he convinces himself Jill knows. I also like how you cut off just before the presumed attack and the start of the original rhyme.
Unfortunately I did pick up on a few nits, and in story this short there were enough to pull me out of it.
Suggestions:
"No reason,(.) It's like she's still here...."
--or small 'I' on 'it' if you want it as a single sentence.
It's a setup-she knows, she knows!
--It should be an em-dash (--) rather than a hyphen after setup.
We'll (Well), we all used to come here
--Or is she repeating herself? In which case, ellipses may work better than a comma here.
It's creepy(,) with her being murdered.
--How does anyone know she was murdered if no one's found the body? Surely he's just given himself away? (unless there was a bloody crime scene--sorry just answering myself. Going to leave the question in the review just in case.)
Nothing really. It just feels restless?
--Should 'It just feels restless?' be a question? It seems odd, given she can feel the spirit, and he can't.
Comment Written 06-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2015
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Thank you for the great detailed review. I'm pleased that you enjoyed my piece. Good catches, I thought I'd fixed a couple of those, but I think I just "intended" to.
Her being murdered would be part of the back story which is all assumed and left to speculation. We can assume that Jill knows she was murdered as she misses her and feels her spirit. But, no one seems to know where the body is but Jack. He's paranoid that she knows and thus the danger she's in. Thanks for taking the time, fixed those errors and it's a better read now. I can see where those errors would throw you off. Thanks again. mikey
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Hi mikey. I'm glad you found my review helpful. Jill's instinctively knowing that her sister was murdered through their spiritual connection makes sense. I've upped the rating to reflect the fixes you made.
Comment from Tatarka2
Wow. Who knew this could be done in 100 words? So powerful. This absolutely deserves the win - and congratulations! This is haunting, and so impressive that you have told this whole story, in dialogue and using Jack's thoughts, with a creepy feel throughout, using just 100 words. So impressive. Again, congratulations on the win.
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Wow. Who knew this could be done in 100 words? So powerful. This absolutely deserves the win - and congratulations! This is haunting, and so impressive that you have told this whole story, in dialogue and using Jack's thoughts, with a creepy feel throughout, using just 100 words. So impressive. Again, congratulations on the win.
Comment Written 06-Apr-2015
Comment from mfowler
You have a mischevious side to you, Mikey.
This poor girl, Jill has been murdered and now Jack turns out to be the ripper. You use dialogue and thought passages brilliantly to fill out the 100 words while delivering a genuine tongue-in-cheek thriller on a skinny word budget.
Congratulations on your win.
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You have a mischevious side to you, Mikey.
This poor girl, Jill has been murdered and now Jack turns out to be the ripper. You use dialogue and thought passages brilliantly to fill out the 100 words while delivering a genuine tongue-in-cheek thriller on a skinny word budget.
Congratulations on your win.
Comment Written 05-Apr-2015
Comment from Pen of Fire
Well written. Our consciences will tell truth even when we don't want to hear it. Your story is written very well and the thought would make into a longer story.
Best wishes in the contest.
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Well written. Our consciences will tell truth even when we don't want to hear it. Your story is written very well and the thought would make into a longer story.
Best wishes in the contest.
Comment Written 04-Apr-2015
Comment from sibhus
Quite a different take on the old nursery rhyme, but it does make for a good entry for the contest. Good job of creating a complete story within the word count limit . I also liked how you have left the ending to the readers imagination. Good luck with the contest.
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Quite a different take on the old nursery rhyme, but it does make for a good entry for the contest. Good job of creating a complete story within the word count limit . I also liked how you have left the ending to the readers imagination. Good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 04-Apr-2015
Comment from jpduck
I liked this. Your clever use of a mixture of dialogue with Jack's thoughts creates a powerfully building creepiness. Good luck with the contest.
Adrian
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I liked this. Your clever use of a mixture of dialogue with Jack's thoughts creates a powerfully building creepiness. Good luck with the contest.
Adrian
Comment Written 04-Apr-2015
Comment from Dean Kuch
O-h-h-h-h-h-h, very good flash fiction tale, Anonymous Author. Jack & Jill went up the hill and Jack came back alone...
Great work, with very ominous undertones. Needless to say, I enjoyed it immensely, heh-heh. Good luck!
~Dean
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O-h-h-h-h-h-h, very good flash fiction tale, Anonymous Author. Jack & Jill went up the hill and Jack came back alone...
Great work, with very ominous undertones. Needless to say, I enjoyed it immensely, heh-heh. Good luck!
~Dean
Comment Written 04-Apr-2015
Comment from Quoiky
Nice read.
So, Jack turns out to be a mass murderer... Who knew?
I found one tiny error. In the sixth paragraph, should the word be 'well' instead of 'we'll'.
Good luck in the contest.
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Nice read.
So, Jack turns out to be a mass murderer... Who knew?
I found one tiny error. In the sixth paragraph, should the word be 'well' instead of 'we'll'.
Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 04-Apr-2015