Comment from Robin Gilmor

Exceptional

Wow I can see why this one won. Well deserved. I'm religious but don't wear it on my sleeve like some. This was a great tale of redemption for a regret from the past. Your ending was gentle with His strength. Classic form with good flow. A beautiful piece.
Smiles, Robin :)

 Comment Written 05-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 09-Jan-2014

Thanks, Robin. I had recorded several second and third places so I pulled out all the stops on this one to try for a winner. Huh, I should do that all the time!!

Thanks for taking the time to look this one up, too.

Steve

Comment from cidia haile amaha

Excellent

hey steve, your writing is amazing....i realliy dont know what to say it has inspired me to work hard in my writing :) :D

 Comment Written 30-Nov-2013

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reply by the author on 01-Dec-2013

Thanks, Cidia - I am glad you enjoyed this piece - although I am much older than you, I only started writing seriously three years ago - just imagine what your writing will be like if you keep at it fo another 20 or 30 years! :o)

Steve

reply by cidia haile amaha on 01-Dec-2013

hehe!! Hope so :D i guess i should just keep working on it oh btw what was your first writing about :)

Comment from Laidy

Exceptional

Loved reading your poem. I saw that it was a winner and I was immediately interested in it. Absolutely a great read. Thanks for sharing.

 Comment Written 21-Nov-2013

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reply by the author on 21-Nov-2013

And thanks for the kind words and the six stars.

Steve

Comment from Lovinia

Exceptional

Hi Steve

WOW! Another touch of Poe! I love this poem. Great rhyme scheme and wonderful concept. Dark and gloomy captured expertly. A nice twist in the last verse ... no grim reaper ... a soul redeemed ... hope in the last breath.

A well deserved win in this contest - congratulations!!!!

"Like a jerky film-reel blinking
On a silent, dusty screen
I re-lived my hell of drinking
And that final bloody scene." - I love this, really draws the reader in and creates a perfect visual ... as your next verse confirms the worst. Your image is exceptional. .... what a find! Of course you may have come across the image first, either way - the presentation is superb.


"We, the aimless and the nameless,
Fleeing fortune's random spite,
Some quite blameless, others shameless,
Huddled up against the night." - really increases the intrigue and depth as you build emotions and provide 'hints' to the desolate and haunting nature of this man interspersed with the creation of the physical scene that surrounds him.

Your imagery is haunting, I could feel the storm and the horror of the night, wonderful rhyme and meter. Excellent use of enjambment, alliteration, assonance and consonance. A powerful piece of writing. Well done BRAVO!! Hugs - Lovi xoxoxox

 Comment Written 20-Nov-2013

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reply by the author on 20-Nov-2013

Lovinia, thanks for the warm and wonderful review.

I have to confess that, in my usual haphazard way, I started this with absolutely no idea of where it was going - scary man comes to campfire - what could happen next.

Took a bit of work to get the story at least vaguely sensible (one reviewer says the storm is meteorologically improbable!) and then quite some time deciding if I really wanted that ending...

Knew I had a winner by the number of reviewers who mentioned goosebumps or hairs on the back of their necks standing up.

I've spent my prize already - better get working on the next contest.

Steve

reply by Lovinia on 20-Nov-2013

Hi Steve

Certainly goosebumps and hair standing. I do understand you dilemma about the ending ... I like it, though if you had gone the other way it would have worked just as well - nothing like a complete scare. Then, nothing like a surprising little twist. I can imagine you stewing over that one. lol

You worked it from 'nothing' into something exceptional. I'm not a meteorologist, so it worked for me..... lol

Prize money doesn't go far .... I hope you enjoyed spending it. Congrats - I simply loved it. Hugs - Lovi xoxoxo

Comment from G L Bertin

Exceptional

You have a remarkable way of communicating absolutely appropriately for your chosen topic...be it the silly spider, or this haunting story...

My two favorite chillers:

Snow-flakes helter-skelter: this rings scary with me cuz I used to get hay rides at Spahn Ranch when Charles Manson was there with his "Family" planning the murders...

Like a jerky film-reel: with all the other references to the fires and lights and shadows, this strobe-light like picture caps them all...

Congrats on the win...

 Comment Written 20-Nov-2013

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reply by the author on 20-Nov-2013

Thank you - I didn't think of the Manson connection when I wrote that line, but I see how it could add a frisson for those familiar with it. Keep him locked up a bit longer for ruining what was a perfectly pleasant and interesting word - crimes against the language ought to cover it!

Thanks again for the great review and the six stars.

Steve

Comment from ElegantButler

Excellent

A magnificently frightening and sad tale. How bittersweet is the ending, reminding us each that redemption is always available no matter how dark the deed.

 Comment Written 18-Nov-2013

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reply by the author on 19-Nov-2013

Thank you!

Steve

Comment from expressions9

Exceptional

This is an excellent write, kiwisteveh! Perfectly penned all the way through with great imagery and excellent meter and rhyme. Quite a chilling story and yet a pleasant ending. A very deserving contest win - congratulations!

God bless,
Christine

 Comment Written 17-Nov-2013

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reply by the author on 19-Nov-2013

Christine, thanks for the kind words and the six stars - appreciated.

Steve

Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell

Excellent

That was so very deserving of winning the contest, it is brilliant. I felt a shiver go through me with the last line. Congratulations! xsx Sandra

 Comment Written 17-Nov-2013

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reply by the author on 17-Nov-2013

Thanks, Sandra.

Think I felt that shiver myself, as did a number of reviewers...

Steve

Comment from MissMerri

Exceptional

Yes! What a worthy winner of this contest. What a stirring, well-written, gripping poem! The story is moving and totally believable, the details make it spring to life in the reader's mind, and the rhyme and meter are simply perfect. I am not a bit surprised this was a blue-ribbon winner. (Sometimes I am. But not this time. ;p ) I loved every line. Great job, and CONGRATULATIONS! Are we all invited to the victory party?

 Comment Written 16-Nov-2013

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reply by the author on 17-Nov-2013

Thank you, MM I should definitely throw a party after all the whinging I did about successive second placings.

How many FanStorians do you think would make it to the remote wilds of new Zealand?!

Steve

Comment from Nekhranokth

Exceptional

That was stunning. It's clear that every word was chosen with intention and purpose to illustrate this beautiful story. I believe nothing could be done to improve on this, it's perfect as it is.

 Comment Written 16-Nov-2013

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reply by the author on 17-Nov-2013

Thanks so much for the kind words and the six stars - much appreciated.

Steve