The Bounty Hunter
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "The Bounty Hunter"Supernatural Bounty Hunter
30 total reviews
Comment from Erik McGinley
I liked that! Unexpected ending. :D
Not really supernatural so much as a good old fashioned cowboy western.
You'd probably like David Gemmel, especially the Jon Shannow series I think.
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I liked that! Unexpected ending. :D
Not really supernatural so much as a good old fashioned cowboy western.
You'd probably like David Gemmel, especially the Jon Shannow series I think.
Comment Written 07-Dec-2013
Comment from Tina McKala
Oh, this was very powerful drama, promising start of a story. Very well described action and remnants of the main hero's inner world.
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Oh, this was very powerful drama, promising start of a story. Very well described action and remnants of the main hero's inner world.
Comment Written 19-Oct-2013
Comment from Norbanus
Unique and outstanding. You've shown us a different bounty hunter than past depictions and laid out a course that could lead anywhere. Your exposure of the protagonist's character through introspection is excellent. This is an exceptional opening segment.
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Unique and outstanding. You've shown us a different bounty hunter than past depictions and laid out a course that could lead anywhere. Your exposure of the protagonist's character through introspection is excellent. This is an exceptional opening segment.
Comment Written 13-Oct-2013
Comment from eduff21
You have created fantastic imagery in this piece. I could see everything as if a movie playing my head. Great writing, can't wait for the next part. As you mentioned in your notes, I don't advocate the killing of children etc either. This is fictional and extremely well written. I can see a book being created here.
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2013
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You have created fantastic imagery in this piece. I could see everything as if a movie playing my head. Great writing, can't wait for the next part. As you mentioned in your notes, I don't advocate the killing of children etc either. This is fictional and extremely well written. I can see a book being created here.
Comment Written 12-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2013
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Thank you very much. I appreciate the great review. I hope you enjoy the next two chapters. I am working on Ch. 4 of 6 now.
Comment from Twilightspire
Excellent! Sheer wonderful, genius! The protagonist is instantly likeable and fun. His internal dialogue is sheer mastery. The plot is also unique enough to be highly readable and can stand on its own. I couldn't stop reading for a moment. The flash back and hi.t of backstory was well written and flowed seamlessly within the story. Excellent job! You get major cudos for setting it in my hometown, as well!
-T.J.
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2013
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Excellent! Sheer wonderful, genius! The protagonist is instantly likeable and fun. His internal dialogue is sheer mastery. The plot is also unique enough to be highly readable and can stand on its own. I couldn't stop reading for a moment. The flash back and hi.t of backstory was well written and flowed seamlessly within the story. Excellent job! You get major cudos for setting it in my hometown, as well!
-T.J.
Comment Written 08-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2013
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Thank you very much. I really appreciate the review and comments. I was thinking of continuing his story, to answer some questions.
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You should!!!! I can see a series of short stories or a novella come with this character. He kind of reminds me of Ghost Rider mixed with the Order stories I write! Let me know, I would love to read more!
Comment from c.e.mitchell
Wow, what a powerful story! I loved the personification of the Colt Revolver. I especially liked the way you described it drinking the souls of its victims. Did you use that weapon because Samuel was supposed to be from a different time? I picked up allusions to this when he talks about Lincoln ending his first slavery and his memories from 100 years ago. I know this is a short story so I understand why you didn't go into greater details, but suffice it to say I finished reading it wondering why Samuel had been enslaved to Azazel.
I also like the way you talk about evil in its different forms, because Samuel and the boys are in fact both evil in the story, but evil has manifested itself differently in them. I also like the subtle mention of God.
Here are the spots where I would suggest minor revision:
"But the eye could be deceived, if they were in town, storm clouds would soon envelop Chicago."
-- I think the punctuation/tense usage in this is a little confusing. Are you saying that the eye was deceived and that storm clouds were on their way? Or it was possible that the eye was deceived because storm clouds often came out of nowhere. (These are not re-write suggestions. Just trying to find out what you were conveying.)
"Briefly he remembered a time - long ago, when he believed nothing would hold his people back."
I don't think you need the "-" in this sentence. It breaks up the sentence a little awkwardly and I think the idea would be clearer without it.
"The Colt vibrated madly in Samuel's hand. It had come for one soul and consumed two extra, but it was far from satisfied."
At this point in the story, I think it had only taken one extra life, correct? (Only 2 people had been killed and it came for one.)
"A product of a corroded community the boy, did run from the figure. He knows what he sees is evil, but wickedness is a common sight for him."
Did you mean to say the boy "didn't" run from the figure because he was so accustomed to wickedness?
Great story! I really enjoyed the read. The message is heartbreaking but necessary. It made me want to know more about Samuel. Thanks for sharing!
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2013
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Wow, what a powerful story! I loved the personification of the Colt Revolver. I especially liked the way you described it drinking the souls of its victims. Did you use that weapon because Samuel was supposed to be from a different time? I picked up allusions to this when he talks about Lincoln ending his first slavery and his memories from 100 years ago. I know this is a short story so I understand why you didn't go into greater details, but suffice it to say I finished reading it wondering why Samuel had been enslaved to Azazel.
I also like the way you talk about evil in its different forms, because Samuel and the boys are in fact both evil in the story, but evil has manifested itself differently in them. I also like the subtle mention of God.
Here are the spots where I would suggest minor revision:
"But the eye could be deceived, if they were in town, storm clouds would soon envelop Chicago."
-- I think the punctuation/tense usage in this is a little confusing. Are you saying that the eye was deceived and that storm clouds were on their way? Or it was possible that the eye was deceived because storm clouds often came out of nowhere. (These are not re-write suggestions. Just trying to find out what you were conveying.)
"Briefly he remembered a time - long ago, when he believed nothing would hold his people back."
I don't think you need the "-" in this sentence. It breaks up the sentence a little awkwardly and I think the idea would be clearer without it.
"The Colt vibrated madly in Samuel's hand. It had come for one soul and consumed two extra, but it was far from satisfied."
At this point in the story, I think it had only taken one extra life, correct? (Only 2 people had been killed and it came for one.)
"A product of a corroded community the boy, did run from the figure. He knows what he sees is evil, but wickedness is a common sight for him."
Did you mean to say the boy "didn't" run from the figure because he was so accustomed to wickedness?
Great story! I really enjoyed the read. The message is heartbreaking but necessary. It made me want to know more about Samuel. Thanks for sharing!
Comment Written 08-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2013
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Thank you for the awesome review. I am happy to see the character was well received. Okay lets see:
"But the eye could be deceived, if they were in town, storm clouds would soon envelop Chicago."
-- I think the punctuation/tense usage in this is a little confusing. Are you saying that the eye was deceived and that storm clouds were on their way? Or it was possible that the eye was deceived because storm clouds often came out of nowhere. (These are not re-write suggestions. Just trying to find out what you were conveying.)
I THINK I WAS TRYING TO SAY THAT THERE ARE MORE THAN ONE FORM OF STORMS ( THE VIOLENCE THAT WAS ABOUT TO ERUPT AROUND THE HUNTER) THAN THE EYE CAN SEE.
"Briefly he remembered a time - long ago, when he believed nothing would hold his people back."
I don't think you need the "-" in this sentence. It breaks up the sentence a little awkwardly and I think the idea would be clearer without it.
PERHAPS, I WAS TRYING TO ADD A LONGER PAUSE
"The Colt vibrated madly in Samuel's hand. It had come for one soul and consumed two extra, but it was far from satisfied."
At this point in the story, I think it had only taken one extra life, correct? (Only 2 people had been killed and it came for one.)
HE KILLED TWO, THE DEALER AND THE FAT ONE. HE CAME FOR THE BOY.
I was thinking about writing five more stories for Samuel, to wrap things up.
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Glad you plan on writing more stories about Samuel. I look forward to reading them!
"But the eye could be deceived" -- THAT MAKES SENSE. I THINK I GOT CONFUSED AS TO WHO "THEY" WERE. YOU MEAN HIS VICTIMS. GOT IT.
"Briefly he remembered a time - long ago" IN TERMS OF THE LONGER PAUSE, I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN. IT JUST SEEMS TO SEPARATE THE SENTENCE IN A WIERD WAY SINCE THE THOUGHT IS CONNECTED. I DON'T THINK THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG WITH IT THE WAY IT IS GRAMMATICALLY. IF YOU WANT THE PAUSE, PERHAPS YOU CAN CONSIDER REMOVING "WHEN" SO IT READS "Briefly he remembered a time - long ago he believed nothing would hold his people back." IT COULD JUST BE A PREFERENCE THING. :)
"consumed two extra" GOT IT. I GOT CONFUSED BY THE USE OF "EXTRA" SINCE THE ONE IT (THE COLT) CAME FOR HAD NOT YET BEEN TAKEN.
Comment from allborn66
This is a very interesting tale. Your characterization is good. I like the dialogue. The pacing is good. I like your voice.
Barbara
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2013
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This is a very interesting tale. Your characterization is good. I like the dialogue. The pacing is good. I like your voice.
Barbara
Comment Written 07-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2013
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Thank you, Barbara
Comment from Silent1rose
I know that by 'fanstory' I should give a 4 but this was great. It kept me in suppense all the way through. The descriptions was very well written. I could picture it all! This was a very good read!
Add the capitalized words.
"What you looking to buy, nigga?" The tallest of THE group took the lead. "You want a dime bag or a nickel?"
Returning his eyes to THE teens(,) he gauged their ages.
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2013
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I know that by 'fanstory' I should give a 4 but this was great. It kept me in suppense all the way through. The descriptions was very well written. I could picture it all! This was a very good read!
Add the capitalized words.
"What you looking to buy, nigga?" The tallest of THE group took the lead. "You want a dime bag or a nickel?"
Returning his eyes to THE teens(,) he gauged their ages.
Comment Written 07-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2013
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Thank you very much. I don't know how I miss those.
Comment from Selina Stambi
This was an interesting read. Fast-paced, high tension.
There was an interesting angle here - the demon-possessed revolver, and the Bounty Hunter wandering through Time.
Very creative, Lance.
All the best in the contest.
p.s. there are several missing commas, etc. (below)
Spags:
Mustang(,) Samuel scanned the heavens
would soon envelop (not envelope) Chicago
but on the south end of the city(,) a completely
Crossing 61st street(,) the Colt began to vibrate in its holster
himself served evil(.) (D)ecades of
hundred feet away(,) made no
The tallest of (the) group took the lead.
Returning his eyes to (the)teens
the fat stud in (the) middle,
Inside(,) his seventeen year old brother was clinging to life, (a) victim of a rival gang member's bullet.
That part was (not is) unknown
shadowy image he had seen in his own nightmares(,) advance on the boy.
(A)product of a corroded community(,) the boy did (not does)(not) run from the figure
slamming into his shoulder(,) spun Samuel to the ground
Coming towards him(,) the boy held his brother's gun
(The) vibration in his hand brought
With a speed few living men have witnessed(,) the hunter
Hearing the sound of sirens in the distance(,) the Hunter turned
it, (to) Azazel.
but the lesson he (had)learned in the alley(,) remained
debt had been paid(,) he was
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2013
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This was an interesting read. Fast-paced, high tension.
There was an interesting angle here - the demon-possessed revolver, and the Bounty Hunter wandering through Time.
Very creative, Lance.
All the best in the contest.
p.s. there are several missing commas, etc. (below)
Spags:
Mustang(,) Samuel scanned the heavens
would soon envelop (not envelope) Chicago
but on the south end of the city(,) a completely
Crossing 61st street(,) the Colt began to vibrate in its holster
himself served evil(.) (D)ecades of
hundred feet away(,) made no
The tallest of (the) group took the lead.
Returning his eyes to (the)teens
the fat stud in (the) middle,
Inside(,) his seventeen year old brother was clinging to life, (a) victim of a rival gang member's bullet.
That part was (not is) unknown
shadowy image he had seen in his own nightmares(,) advance on the boy.
(A)product of a corroded community(,) the boy did (not does)(not) run from the figure
slamming into his shoulder(,) spun Samuel to the ground
Coming towards him(,) the boy held his brother's gun
(The) vibration in his hand brought
With a speed few living men have witnessed(,) the hunter
Hearing the sound of sirens in the distance(,) the Hunter turned
it, (to) Azazel.
but the lesson he (had)learned in the alley(,) remained
debt had been paid(,) he was
Comment Written 07-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2013
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Thank you. How do you do it? I feel like I should go back to grade school and get my money back. Except it was public school.
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Just got a very sharp eye, I guess!
The more you write, the more you will have a feel for what's right.
Getting a refund from public school would pose a bit of a problem, I imagine!
Have a great evening, my friend. :)
Comment from bluedragon776
Wow, this is pretty amazing I think. I saw a few places were I think you may have left out some a commas, but I am not an expert at comma placement. I was wondering where you got the premise for this story. Good Luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2013
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Wow, this is pretty amazing I think. I saw a few places were I think you may have left out some a commas, but I am not an expert at comma placement. I was wondering where you got the premise for this story. Good Luck in the contest.
Comment Written 07-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2013
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Thank you very much. I really don't understand all the comma rules myself, but I am trying.