The Ripple Effect
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "The Leaning Piazza of Leigh"A couple's tour about England takes many turns....
7 total reviews
Comment from rivki1111
Hi hagar, (did I get that right) my name is Rivki and it was really pleasurable reading your book chapter and reviewing it also. It was a good read from start to finish...your dialogue was very believable. I worked for Avis for a while so it was interesting for me from that point of view as well. You had good character development. I gave it a four stars because I thought you could have been a little more descriptive. Well done, keep writing Rivki.
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Hi hagar, (did I get that right) my name is Rivki and it was really pleasurable reading your book chapter and reviewing it also. It was a good read from start to finish...your dialogue was very believable. I worked for Avis for a while so it was interesting for me from that point of view as well. You had good character development. I gave it a four stars because I thought you could have been a little more descriptive. Well done, keep writing Rivki.
Comment Written 27-Jul-2005
Comment from jkhudson
Very nice job on descriptions and settings. The POV leaves the reader a bit cold, not very involved, but I liked the dialogue and narrative. A nice job overall.
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Very nice job on descriptions and settings. The POV leaves the reader a bit cold, not very involved, but I liked the dialogue and narrative. A nice job overall.
Comment Written 27-Jul-2005
Comment from rufusstone1100
Heavy with good strong descriptions of the settings and the characters. Your opening paragraphs really set the scene and reminded me of some of the descriptions Scott-Fitzgerald had in "The Great Gatsby" when he described the garage where the girl lived that got run over in the story. Also, you have made an effective use of dialogue which to me is the hardest part of writing
I am based in the UK and it has been a nice change to read something set over here.
Where can I see the other chapters?
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Heavy with good strong descriptions of the settings and the characters. Your opening paragraphs really set the scene and reminded me of some of the descriptions Scott-Fitzgerald had in "The Great Gatsby" when he described the garage where the girl lived that got run over in the story. Also, you have made an effective use of dialogue which to me is the hardest part of writing
I am based in the UK and it has been a nice change to read something set over here.
Where can I see the other chapters?
Comment Written 06-Jul-2005
Comment from Thomas Raine
This was a good chapter. I like the dialogue and descriptions. You did a really good job on this. Nicely done.
- TR
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This was a good chapter. I like the dialogue and descriptions. You did a really good job on this. Nicely done.
- TR
Comment Written 05-Jul-2005
Comment from Kym Jade
This was a very revealing and fun chapter. It certainly showed McCail has his grumpy side. What a shame such a wonderful business has gone to ruin. We can't help wondering if Merlin had something to do with them ending up with such a beautiful car.
One obsevation, in Britain you can not get a learners drivers licence until 17. Well that was when I lived there 26 years ago. Oh and they weren't allowed in pubs until they were 18.
Best wishes and dreams.
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This was a very revealing and fun chapter. It certainly showed McCail has his grumpy side. What a shame such a wonderful business has gone to ruin. We can't help wondering if Merlin had something to do with them ending up with such a beautiful car.
One obsevation, in Britain you can not get a learners drivers licence until 17. Well that was when I lived there 26 years ago. Oh and they weren't allowed in pubs until they were 18.
Best wishes and dreams.
Comment Written 30-Jun-2005
Comment from Voirrey
A very long chapter to read on screen. This is the sort of thing to settle down with in front of a log fire, but then maybe I shold have just printed it and done that! My own stupid fault.
Good work, with an interesting plot and themes. A lot of narrative before we got to any dialogue, but that does not detract.
I enjoyed reading this, even though it was not my usual reding matter. Well, done you have obvious talent, and deserve to be recognised.
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A very long chapter to read on screen. This is the sort of thing to settle down with in front of a log fire, but then maybe I shold have just printed it and done that! My own stupid fault.
Good work, with an interesting plot and themes. A lot of narrative before we got to any dialogue, but that does not detract.
I enjoyed reading this, even though it was not my usual reding matter. Well, done you have obvious talent, and deserve to be recognised.
Comment Written 30-Jun-2005
Comment from GentleCloud
Hi your writing style is different. You use a distant POV which makes it difficult for the reader to feel deeply involved. There are no feelings expressed but a lot of matter-of-fact description of surroundings. Dialogue is the only one that flows naturally.
This chapter needs editing. Some are listed below.
Grabbing their backpacks and solo piece of luggage(,) the two bewildered and tipsy travelers (should be spelt travellers) walk through the doors of the Heritage Rental Yard.
The office/showroom is vacant of personnel, although footsteps can be heard shuffling about behind an oak-paneled wall.
Suggestion:
No one is in the office/showroom although footsteps could be heard shuffling behind an oak-panelled wall.
Spotless, free of dirt throughout its main showroom, it gives at first glance an impression of togetherness.
Suggestion:
At first glance, the main showroom is spotless, free of dirt, pulled together.
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Hi your writing style is different. You use a distant POV which makes it difficult for the reader to feel deeply involved. There are no feelings expressed but a lot of matter-of-fact description of surroundings. Dialogue is the only one that flows naturally.
This chapter needs editing. Some are listed below.
Grabbing their backpacks and solo piece of luggage(,) the two bewildered and tipsy travelers (should be spelt travellers) walk through the doors of the Heritage Rental Yard.
The office/showroom is vacant of personnel, although footsteps can be heard shuffling about behind an oak-paneled wall.
Suggestion:
No one is in the office/showroom although footsteps could be heard shuffling behind an oak-panelled wall.
Spotless, free of dirt throughout its main showroom, it gives at first glance an impression of togetherness.
Suggestion:
At first glance, the main showroom is spotless, free of dirt, pulled together.
Comment Written 30-Jun-2005