Steve's Story-Poems
Viewing comments for Chapter 34 "Death of a Dream"A collection of my poems
62 total reviews
Comment from nelliesellie
I love the picture. I love the poem. Young boys can get themselves in a mess while trying to raise money. I think it is worse when they try with creepy crawly things. One of my sons tried to raise rats, until they escaped. This young boys adventure was in a different country .It made for an educations and fun read. Great work.
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2013
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I love the picture. I love the poem. Young boys can get themselves in a mess while trying to raise money. I think it is worse when they try with creepy crawly things. One of my sons tried to raise rats, until they escaped. This young boys adventure was in a different country .It made for an educations and fun read. Great work.
Comment Written 17-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2013
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Thank you for reading this slightly hyped up tale of my childhood.
Steve
Comment from DR DIP
very well written! would have given you a five except grammatically I would change the following lines maybe:
Us kids, we all wore hand-me-downs since Ginty's Mill had closed;
There were patches on our patches - that was normal, we supposed.
We had meats to eat on Sundays, but don't ask me what they were-
Though Monday's soup was greyish gloop of boiled-up bones and fur
probably nothing but some anal reviewer could pick up on this who finds it grammatically disconcerting.
dip
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reply by the author on 07-Oct-2013
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very well written! would have given you a five except grammatically I would change the following lines maybe:
Us kids, we all wore hand-me-downs since Ginty's Mill had closed;
There were patches on our patches - that was normal, we supposed.
We had meats to eat on Sundays, but don't ask me what they were-
Though Monday's soup was greyish gloop of boiled-up bones and fur
probably nothing but some anal reviewer could pick up on this who finds it grammatically disconcerting.
dip
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2013
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Thanks for 'dipping' into my portfolio (ha ha)
I think I explained in the notes that this piece uses colloquial language including grammatical errors to reflect the natural way of speech of the narrator - in this case a young, uneducated boy.
Steve
Comment from the blue pixel
It will come as no surprise to you Steve that this is my kind of poetry. I will even hazard a guess and suggest that like me, you actually find this kind of writing with all its internal rhyming, a challenging relaxation. feta/weta, seller/Rockerfeller, galoot/suit and heaps of others just as clever and then there is "I seek your assistance?" and "each one's sixpence" with the timing of the two sentences, sheer perfection. As with all good stories, this one has a beginning a middle and an end with also a moral question, poignancy and even a little child's bewilderment at their parents behavior and of coure, he become an absolute legend onnly to be shot down in flames. (Ah the best laid plans of child and weta). I even found a delightful Steinbeckism in the language you used Steve. I could quote you back to yourself Steve many many times, cherry picking every innovative rhyme but instead, I will just tell you how much I appreciated your undeniable skill in writing and in even garnishing my empathy for your little hero. I was unfortunately reminded of one night, 3 in the morning to be exact when something wandered into my ear only to learn that what I suspected was true; it was a cockrooach which was eventually extracted leg by furry leg in hospital hours later and for that awful memory, I don't thank you lol Best of luck in the contest Steve. I am so glad that I didn't waste my time entering a poem myself. xx Carol
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2013
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It will come as no surprise to you Steve that this is my kind of poetry. I will even hazard a guess and suggest that like me, you actually find this kind of writing with all its internal rhyming, a challenging relaxation. feta/weta, seller/Rockerfeller, galoot/suit and heaps of others just as clever and then there is "I seek your assistance?" and "each one's sixpence" with the timing of the two sentences, sheer perfection. As with all good stories, this one has a beginning a middle and an end with also a moral question, poignancy and even a little child's bewilderment at their parents behavior and of coure, he become an absolute legend onnly to be shot down in flames. (Ah the best laid plans of child and weta). I even found a delightful Steinbeckism in the language you used Steve. I could quote you back to yourself Steve many many times, cherry picking every innovative rhyme but instead, I will just tell you how much I appreciated your undeniable skill in writing and in even garnishing my empathy for your little hero. I was unfortunately reminded of one night, 3 in the morning to be exact when something wandered into my ear only to learn that what I suspected was true; it was a cockrooach which was eventually extracted leg by furry leg in hospital hours later and for that awful memory, I don't thank you lol Best of luck in the contest Steve. I am so glad that I didn't waste my time entering a poem myself. xx Carol
Comment Written 29-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2013
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Carol, thanks for the detailed and wonderful review.
You may have found a thing or two in the poem that even I didn't know to be there and would venture to suggest that some of it is done subconsciously.
I did quietly sneak a line of Banjo Patterson's in there which nobody seems to have picked, but I would fascinated to find out what you thought was a Steibecism, because he is an author I don't know as well as I should....
I have been a bit frustrated lately with two second place finishes in site contests in the last few weeks and a third unplaced, any of which could have been a winner (in my slightly biased eyes) so I actually worked on this one over a week or so to try and get it right, rather tan my usual slapdash, chuck it all together at the last moment.
Sorry if it revived unpleasant memories.
Steve
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I was actually going to say you reminded me of C.J. Dennis (whom I love) so maybe, just maybe, I was confusing him with Banjo Patterson. John Steinbeck writes mainly of The Depression so that may confuse you as your poem was delightfully funny but Steinbeck writes much of his dialogue in phonetics and his characterization is so very real as was yours. The ordinary person can relate to his down to earth way of writing and I just felt a similar way with the way you wrote. As for contests Steve? I entered so many
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Whoops. Sorry Steve. Damn laptop is acting up. I was just saying that I used to enter the stories in a poem contests regularly and I think I came 2nd once and that was it. I kept entering the odd contest until I finally won one called "Who Do I Have to Dot Dot Around Here.." (or something like that) and after that, I vowed, never again. I don't know about these days but when I was a member before, I was told by various people that some members arranged via private e-mails to vote for each other and or, only tear jerkers or religious poems won and occasionally I would check out a winning poem and I wondered if there was some truth to these 'rumours'. In any event, I don't trust them and how it all works and I have kept my promise to myself not to enter another, at least, so far. I couldn't stand the frustration either Steve and I can feel yours. It also seems to me that poets with prominent profiles win these things over and over though I should say that I haven't really looked at them this time around. I am not just saying this, nor am I biased towards you in any way but I have never read any story in a poem that comes close to what you do and I really meant it when I said I am glad that I didn't bother. Believe me, the results of contests have little or nothing to do with talent and also remember that many people don't vote anyway. I don't know what to say to you to make you feel any better and maybe it could be said that I simply copped out but I don't feel that way, I just don't believe in the integrity of most contests. xx Carol
Comment from Sally Carter
Steve, your talent leaves me speechless. (Thank goodness I have a keyboard, eh?)
You are a master at so many forms of poetry, but this is surely the area in which you excel. SO well done - a feast of words, fantastic images, wonderful humour, meter, rhyme, clarity... What more can I say?
There are so many lines in this that made me stop and read again, or chuckle aloud, I couldn't list them all. But that weta gravy has to take the biscuit, lol. Surely, surely, this one has got to win???
Apart from the fun of the read, thank you for introducing me to a new creepy crawly.
Best wishes
Sally
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2013
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Steve, your talent leaves me speechless. (Thank goodness I have a keyboard, eh?)
You are a master at so many forms of poetry, but this is surely the area in which you excel. SO well done - a feast of words, fantastic images, wonderful humour, meter, rhyme, clarity... What more can I say?
There are so many lines in this that made me stop and read again, or chuckle aloud, I couldn't list them all. But that weta gravy has to take the biscuit, lol. Surely, surely, this one has got to win???
Apart from the fun of the read, thank you for introducing me to a new creepy crawly.
Best wishes
Sally
Comment Written 29-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2013
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Sally, thanks for the wonderful review and the six stars - yes, this is probably where I feel most comfortable.
Let's see what the committee thinks.
Steve
Comment from rhymelord
Dear Steve,
Only in New Zealand could this happen. Is the presence of a weta up a crack the reason why the All Blacks are so damned aggressive? Anyway, this is a frighteningly good entry, Damn you.
Regards
Reg
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2013
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Dear Steve,
Only in New Zealand could this happen. Is the presence of a weta up a crack the reason why the All Blacks are so damned aggressive? Anyway, this is a frighteningly good entry, Damn you.
Regards
Reg
Comment Written 28-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2013
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Reg, thanks so much for the high praise and the six stars.
I am frustratingly unable to win one of these contests and I am fully expecting this will manage second place for me yet again. I have begun to think up a poem about perpetual bridesmaids in anticipation.
Steve
Comment from Journey woman
Love the story! Kept me interested all the way through. You cleary describe for the reader the wetas invading the house and the calamity that ensues.
Well done,
Journey Woman
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2013
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Love the story! Kept me interested all the way through. You cleary describe for the reader the wetas invading the house and the calamity that ensues.
Well done,
Journey Woman
Comment Written 28-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2013
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Thank you, JW - glad you enjoyed.
Steve
Comment from tbacha58
Six thousand feet a-scuttlin' swiftly jolted me awake
As a tragedy unfolded and my heart began to break;
There were thirty in the pantry, there were fifty in the sink,
A hundred more hopped out the door before I'd time to think.
What a story, My God, how did yo do that? it gave me the creeps, but you wrote a very very nice story poem, the picture already is scary, and good luck. Terry
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2013
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Six thousand feet a-scuttlin' swiftly jolted me awake
As a tragedy unfolded and my heart began to break;
There were thirty in the pantry, there were fifty in the sink,
A hundred more hopped out the door before I'd time to think.
What a story, My God, how did yo do that? it gave me the creeps, but you wrote a very very nice story poem, the picture already is scary, and good luck. Terry
Comment Written 28-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2013
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terry, thanks for the kind words and the generous rating.
Steve
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very wel lwritten, kiwisteveh, you did an excellent job wiritng this poem about the business venture that went legs up and bottoms up, lol. i enjoyed reading it. it seems like i read it before and reviewed it but must have gotten lost.
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2013
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this is very wel lwritten, kiwisteveh, you did an excellent job wiritng this poem about the business venture that went legs up and bottoms up, lol. i enjoyed reading it. it seems like i read it before and reviewed it but must have gotten lost.
Comment Written 28-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2013
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Thank you, swj!
Steve
Comment from nomi338
Rarely have I been more entertained by a story more humorous than this wonderful tale. Extreme cases of greed often lead to mishaps such as the one experienced by the sad teller of this entertaining tale. One must plan carefully before one seeks to make his fortune, for wealth is not easily obtained or maintained or retained. Carelessness leads often to a backside that is sorely pained.
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2013
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Rarely have I been more entertained by a story more humorous than this wonderful tale. Extreme cases of greed often lead to mishaps such as the one experienced by the sad teller of this entertaining tale. One must plan carefully before one seeks to make his fortune, for wealth is not easily obtained or maintained or retained. Carelessness leads often to a backside that is sorely pained.
Comment Written 28-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2013
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Nomi, thanks so much for the kind review and the six stars.
I don't know if the message you discovered was one I intentionally included, but I can certainly see how you can draw that from the poem.
Steve
Comment from JonnyRhymes
This is a truly exceptional poem in which you tell an absolute roller-coaster ride of a story, one which had my attention and had me smiling from start to finish! Flawless rhythm, creative, funny, excellent rhymes, truly fantastic stuff. Well done!
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2013
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This is a truly exceptional poem in which you tell an absolute roller-coaster ride of a story, one which had my attention and had me smiling from start to finish! Flawless rhythm, creative, funny, excellent rhymes, truly fantastic stuff. Well done!
Comment Written 28-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2013
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JR, thanks so much for wonderful review and the six shiny stars.
Steve