The Ripple Effect
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "Love is a Stranger"A couple's tour about England takes many turns....
9 total reviews
Comment from LeeCan
The one thing I know about you is that I will read some very good dialogue in your stories. This was no exception.
I saw no glaring errors or clumsy sentences.
Nice job.
dlanthis
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The one thing I know about you is that I will read some very good dialogue in your stories. This was no exception.
I saw no glaring errors or clumsy sentences.
Nice job.
dlanthis
Comment Written 29-Jun-2005
Comment from Kym Jade
I think Merlin is playing tricks on us. This is the third time we have seen this work. It is a fascinating chapter that builds a sound foundation for the wonderment that is destined to be ours. Fascinating story.
Best wishes and dreams.
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I think Merlin is playing tricks on us. This is the third time we have seen this work. It is a fascinating chapter that builds a sound foundation for the wonderment that is destined to be ours. Fascinating story.
Best wishes and dreams.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2005
Comment from hithereeveryone
This bopped around too much. You were prone to repeating yourself and I believe that a large part of the text was actually repeated. It seemed that they took off from the airport and went on one adventure, then took off again and went on a different adventure. The bit at the end where they all got out of the cab really got confusing and a little sloppy. There was no prelude to the woman peeing her pants and no reaction from the assembled group that it had just happened.
You have a decent technical skill with the language but you need to edit more carefully. This seems more like a first draft than a finished chapter.
I hope this is helpful.
Peace.
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This bopped around too much. You were prone to repeating yourself and I believe that a large part of the text was actually repeated. It seemed that they took off from the airport and went on one adventure, then took off again and went on a different adventure. The bit at the end where they all got out of the cab really got confusing and a little sloppy. There was no prelude to the woman peeing her pants and no reaction from the assembled group that it had just happened.
You have a decent technical skill with the language but you need to edit more carefully. This seems more like a first draft than a finished chapter.
I hope this is helpful.
Peace.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2005
Comment from writeurheartout
I like the way you portray the characters through their dialogue and the way you describe their way of dressing and acting. Maybe you tell the reader how each character speaks his or her lines. For example, when Mccail says, "I guess". Does Mccail say it in a confused manner, or as in complete agreement. Depending on how you say something, the reader might interpret it correctly or incorrectly. I also think you used the word "bewildered" too often. AVoid repeatin words, unless it's a characters quirk.
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I like the way you portray the characters through their dialogue and the way you describe their way of dressing and acting. Maybe you tell the reader how each character speaks his or her lines. For example, when Mccail says, "I guess". Does Mccail say it in a confused manner, or as in complete agreement. Depending on how you say something, the reader might interpret it correctly or incorrectly. I also think you used the word "bewildered" too often. AVoid repeatin words, unless it's a characters quirk.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2005
Comment from SweetMike
amazing nothing else in my vocabulary can explain what i think about this piece other than wow one of the best pices i have read yet.
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amazing nothing else in my vocabulary can explain what i think about this piece other than wow one of the best pices i have read yet.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2005
Comment from CarolinasAngel
In most long pieces there are a couple errors or so... However, I didn't see anything in here. Not even one punctuation error. This is a great one. It's well-written and presented. Good work!
:O) Candy
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In most long pieces there are a couple errors or so... However, I didn't see anything in here. Not even one punctuation error. This is a great one. It's well-written and presented. Good work!
:O) Candy
Comment Written 28-Jun-2005
Comment from Mastery
Hi Bill. Again, you have the nucleus of a terrific story here. This chapter is ripe with excitement in the genre you have chosen. I would like to offer some suggestions to get you closer to a five star piece, if I may: Probably the most important rule in writing, (I have found, and was taught) is to "SHOW. . . DON"T TELL" the reader. In other words use the five senses in telling your story. Let us smell, see, taste and hear things. Example of not: "Idle chitchat about the park fill in the moments before Ann arrives. It is lovely. The green is lovely. The music is lovely." Let us hear the chit chat...the banter. Tell me about something green. Describe it. What is the music? Rolling Stones, or Brahms? I know this is a bit farfetched but I trust you get the idea. Also, a bit of problem with sentence structure here and there: "The female of that species only swam." How about: The females didn't fly. They were swimmers." You know I only mean this as constructive criticism. Hope you take these things that I am passing along as such. Good luck...Bob
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Hi Bill. Again, you have the nucleus of a terrific story here. This chapter is ripe with excitement in the genre you have chosen. I would like to offer some suggestions to get you closer to a five star piece, if I may: Probably the most important rule in writing, (I have found, and was taught) is to "SHOW. . . DON"T TELL" the reader. In other words use the five senses in telling your story. Let us smell, see, taste and hear things. Example of not: "Idle chitchat about the park fill in the moments before Ann arrives. It is lovely. The green is lovely. The music is lovely." Let us hear the chit chat...the banter. Tell me about something green. Describe it. What is the music? Rolling Stones, or Brahms? I know this is a bit farfetched but I trust you get the idea. Also, a bit of problem with sentence structure here and there: "The female of that species only swam." How about: The females didn't fly. They were swimmers." You know I only mean this as constructive criticism. Hope you take these things that I am passing along as such. Good luck...Bob
Comment Written 28-Jun-2005
Comment from jockey
it is generally good, and an interesting idea, but you may consider proof reading it to sort out the small points. also, the change in point of view was a little strange. i did like the writing being in present tense, it added to the writer's feeling of confusion at the beginning
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it is generally good, and an interesting idea, but you may consider proof reading it to sort out the small points. also, the change in point of view was a little strange. i did like the writing being in present tense, it added to the writer's feeling of confusion at the beginning
Comment Written 28-Jun-2005
Comment from WistfulOwl
Quirky story a little too full of ellipses and needing some comma attention. Maybe I'm behind, but it took a bit to identify Wildhaber as the taxi driver.
Awkward:
>Mccail swallows and rubs his forehead thinking, What was it? I remember something about the way he moved. ?Then it comes to him.
>as they merge into a forest of cars
Interesting analogy :)
The POV change from Mccail to Merlin in the passage about the cab being stolen is a bit disconcerting...
Nice descriptions, particularly about the site-seeing.
Whoa! And then we do an edited repeat from the point their luggage was loaded!? Oops?
I like the pebble-spitting dragons ::lol::
Again, the change of POV in the last paragraph threw me off. All in all, though, an interesting and rather bizarre bit of story-work! :)
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Quirky story a little too full of ellipses and needing some comma attention. Maybe I'm behind, but it took a bit to identify Wildhaber as the taxi driver.
Awkward:
>Mccail swallows and rubs his forehead thinking, What was it? I remember something about the way he moved. ?Then it comes to him.
>as they merge into a forest of cars
Interesting analogy :)
The POV change from Mccail to Merlin in the passage about the cab being stolen is a bit disconcerting...
Nice descriptions, particularly about the site-seeing.
Whoa! And then we do an edited repeat from the point their luggage was loaded!? Oops?
I like the pebble-spitting dragons ::lol::
Again, the change of POV in the last paragraph threw me off. All in all, though, an interesting and rather bizarre bit of story-work! :)
Comment Written 28-Jun-2005